Do you ever question "Why do I even bother doing it?"

[Jessica_Rose]

I have always been caught between pleasing everyone else and doing what is right for me. Everything just seems to get harder by the day for me right now. And all the while I am left feeling that if I took my own life not a soul in the world would even care. No one would ever miss me or even care that I am long gone. In fact in my darkest hours I feel the world would be better off if I just didn't exist. This is the unfortunate reality I have to deal with right now.

I am left questioning whether or not it's even worth transitioning. I can't shake the feeling of being a fraud in trying to be a woman. I feel even worse when my sister injects her comments and opinions into the matter.

Lisa

Lisa, you are a woman. The fraud you and I performed was trying to act like a man. We were born like this, and we have been trying to live up to other peoples expectations. Don't let others tell you who you are -- be yourself. Be the beautiful woman you know yourself to be. Be Lisa.

It took me over four decades to figure this out, as my anger slowly grew more and more intense. I didn't understand where my anger came from, I thought all men were like that. On one occasion I was so enraged that I was apoplectic (I had to look it up too). During that fit I actually contemplated taking my own life, along with the lives of my wife and daughters. I honestly don't know what stopped me. It was only about two years ago that I discovered the source of my anger, I had been hiding the soul of a woman behind the façade of a man. I knew the only path I could take was to transition, no matter what the cost. If I had continued down the path I was on it would not have ended well.

Someone loves you Lisa -- I love you, and I'm sure there are others. It is easy to be blinded by our own issues to the point we can't see what is right in front of us. It isn't easy, but life can be beautiful again. Find the strength to take that leap, ignore those who stand in your way, embrace the beautiful woman that you are, become who you were meant to be. A new world will open before your eyes, and you will find joy again.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Lisa89125]

Jessica, Your right. But I can't help the way I feel either.

I hate to go there but something comes to mind.

I like the 1950's streamliners. The EMD F7 model is very popular with rail buffs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMD_F7 The problem is parts are becoming a major problem. As a result the few operational examples are sometimes rebuilt with modern components and electrical systems from model GP38-2 freight diesels. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMD_GP38-2 The inside is all modern but the outside retains the classic body. I get the question asked, Is it a F7 or a GP38-2 masquerading as a F7?

I can't quite get beyond that same question about my own remodel.

In non technical babble I guess one could consider the wolf in a sheep outfit in the sheep herd.

Lisa

[Jessica_Rose]

Kind of like the Cadillac in the Johnny Cash song "One piece at a time".

One of my brothers has had both shoulders and a hip replaced, does that make him anything other than my brother? Is someone with an artificial heart no longer human? Our brain contains our soul, it is the essence of who we are. It shouldn't matter what the external housing looks like, our soul will always be female (or male for FTM). Unfortunately our souls were put in the wrong housings. Society defined us based on those housings, and all our lives we have tried to live up to their expectations. None of us should be controlled by the expectations of others, but we allow it to occur so we can feel accepted.

First we have to overcome that inertia of acceptance. We have to realize that to become who we were meant to be may very well cause us to, at least temporarily, lose some or all of the acceptance we crave.

Next, since brain transplants are not possible yet, we have to modify the parts we have so they match our souls -- we have to make our external shell match our perception of who we are so society will treat us accordingly. It is still our body, maybe a few parts are not exactly OEM, but we are not cars being scored on how many original parts we have -- all that matters is how smoothly we run, how comfortable we are in our own skin.

I woke up really early this morning and I'm getting tired. I hope this made sense!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Lisa89125]

Jessica, You've made sense to me.

I am at the point I guess of needing to just except I am a woman and move on and embrace who I am and do what I can to make myself more comfortable in my own skin.

When I was in high school I had on more than one occasion girls come to me in private and tell me I know your girl.

When I graduated I remember standing in my English class upstairs in the heat waiting for more than an hour to move to the football field for graduation. In that time a large group of girls that had never spoken to me or ever wanted to know me came over and said something to the effect,

If you were a little nicer to people, lost some weight, and had more school spirit that they would have excepted me as one of them and helped me transition to live as a girl. One heck of a revelation if you ask me.

I remember literally feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. I remember sticking my head out the very large window that was open and literally feeling dizzy, faint and about to puke.  I remember thinking to myself that if I fell out of the window and died that it would be less painful. about that time my brother and our friend came over and asked what was to matter? I never did tell.

I remember asking how they knew? The answer was girl intuition. They said they were surprised. I should have known that.

Honestly, I guess others have been able to figure me out before I have even been able to fully figure myself out.  I guess I am very reluctant to fully except the painfully obvious truth so fill my mind with doubt.

I guess a point must come to embrace who I am, Except that I am a woman and get on living my life as a woman.

No, I really don't have anyone who cares about me or loves me. I appreciate all the support and love everyone here as shown.

Hugs,

Lisa

[Jessica_Rose]

When I came out at work I sent the note to over sixty people, the subject line was 'I bet you never saw this coming'. I was right, no one had seen it coming. One or two people had commented about my hair getting longer, and a few had noticed that I was much happier, but no one expected me to transition. Two years ago I didn't see it coming either.

I don't understand why my wife stayed with me all of these years -- she says it's because she loves me. She may well have been the only person who could truly say that. I certainly didn't love who I was. My parents love me, but they are my parents after all. I'm honestly not certain if my daughters loved me, but I know our relationship is improving.

Since coming out I have had a few new friends tell me that they love me. Initially I found it strange and bewildering, but I am beginning to understand. One of our other members, @Arianna Valentine , has been including this line in many of her recent posts:

If you can't accept yourself,  how can you expect others to accept you?

A corollary to that is:

'How can you expect others to love you if you can't love yourself.'

When we don't like ourselves we tend to drive people away. We don't allow them to know us because we already know that we are not nice. My wife has commented many times about how much friendlier and outgoing I have become, I am no longer afraid to let people know me, and to let them into my life. I have made many new friends, some of them are among the best friends I have ever had. If I had not started this journey, I would never have met them.

It is hard at first, but once you start going down the right path it gets easier. Eventually you will make new friends, and some of them will love you for who you are, as I do. You have figured out who you really are, and once you become that person and allow her to shine a new world will open itself to you. Have faith in yourself.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Lisa89125]

Jessica, I enjoy reading your responses. They really make my day brighter. 

Lots of love,

Lisa

[Allison S]

Honestly, I guess others have been able to figure me out before I have even been able to fully figure myself out.  I guess I am very reluctant to fully except the painfully obvious truth so fill my mind with doubt.

Yes, but it sounds like they weren't very nice about it either... Are you transitioning now?

I feel even worse when my sister injects her comments and opinions into the matter.

Lisa

My sister is very cutting with her words too. I have so much to say about gender and feminism, but I wouldn't even know where to start. It's absurd to me and hypocritical...

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[Lisa89125]

Well, I was not very nice to anyone back then. A Tasmanian devil.    I am transitioning now. For me everything came to a head. Either I transition or I die. I couldn't deal with it anymore. There is nothing that can stop me from being who I want to be. It's time to stop believing the lies and start living as my true self.

I hope to start HRT in the new year. Even without HRT I have been presenting female for a full year. I am also out to almost everyone with a few exceptions.

I am putting off hormones because I need to loose some weight. I am like 270 lbs and most of that is fat. I want to get down to a normal weight for my height as a female.

I don't think they would even let me start estrogen without loosing weight? I've heard mixed reviews on this subject.

I am still alot happier as the fat chick vs my old self.

Siblings can be so mean some times. My sister believes because of the mental and physical abuse I suffered as a little kid that I never had a good roll model for a man or something. She did admit she just did a quick look on the internet and came to that conclusion.

To me it's more like she just can't except having a trans sibling and looked for anyway to discredit my existence.

Lisa

[Swedishgirl96]

Sometimes I do. But then I question life itself. I never ever thinking "oh it would be nice to be a cis male".

I just think its painful and wish it wouldn't be as painful.

[Lisa89125]

Amen.

Why does this have to hurt so much? 

Lots of love,

Lisa

[Swedishgirl96]

Amen.

Why does this have to hurt so much? 

Lots of love,

Lisa

I can't answer that but I can share this poem that I have thought of many times when life feels hard. Its called Of Course it Hurts by Karin Boye.

Of Course it Hurts

Of course it hurts when buds burst.
Otherwise why would spring hesitate?
Why would all our fervent longing
be bound in the frozen bitter haze?
The bud was the casing all winter.
What is this new thing, which consumes and bursts?
Of course it hurts when buds burst,
pain for that which grows

      and for that which envelops.

Of course it is hard when drops fall.
Trembling with fear they hang heavy,
clammer on the branch, swell and slide -
the weight pulls them down, how they cling.
Hard to be uncertain, afraid and divided,
hard to feel the deep pulling and calling,
yet sit there and just quiver -
hard to want to stay

      and to want to fall.

Then, at the point of agony and when all is beyond help,
the tree's buds burst as if in jubilation,
then, when fear no longer exists,
the branch's drops tumble in a shimmer,
forgetting that they were afraid of the new,
forgetting that they were fearful of the journey -
feeling for a second their greatest security,
resting in the trust

      that creates the world. 

[Lisa89125]

Thank you for sharing the poem. I can understand how it applies to everyone of us.

Hugs,

Lisa

[Lisa89125]

If the way I was treated by the girls in school was bad then how but this.

I did a couple business classes in HS. My teacher was a guy who I didn't like very much. He nominated me to present as Taylor Swift for the Red Cross woman less pageant. When I refused he wouldn't remove my name from the pageant nomination without putting up a heck of a fight. When I asked him later why? He said because I thought it would help you discover your inner self.   

That year I would also go on to be nominated by the home coming committee to be Home coming queen. To make it even more painful the king was a guy who I absolutely hated being around. Talk about cruel.  I didn't think I would be able to get out of that one. It almost took an act of congress.

I will admit I had a long history of trying to get on the cheerleading squad in a school that would not have it. I guess that coupled with my feminine emotions and feminine movement despite being very over weight and dressing like complete trash in tee shirts and sweat pants must have said volumes about who I really am inside. The whole time I didn't think I was radiating anything at all that would clue in anyone. 

Please don't ask about my complicated relations with the coach of the cheer squad. That would take up alot of space.

I can say though the whole thing was an elaborate act of discrimination that rambled on for a couple years.

I think it is safe to say I have been tormented and tortured alot in the past. At that time I was fully aware of my feelings but in complete denial.

Lisa

[DawnOday]

Most my thoughts are "why didn't I do it sooner.