Stopped transition

[BlueJaye]

I haven't been on here in several months. I started transitioning earlier this year via prescription hormones. I was on HRT for a couple of months and all was going well. I felt amazing on E. It was an incredible difference. I felt calm. And between the estradiol and spiro, my male sex drive was starting to diminish, which was wonderful.

I won't lie, this has been a very hard year for me. Coming out to my wife was very difficult. She took it well, but it was still stressful. In March, my father died from cancer. On top of that, my parents had no life insurance policies and had spent all of their savings while my father was unable to work during the final months of his life. I ended up spending $10,000 to give him a proper funeral and burial. I know that I didn't have to do that, but he was quite clear that he wanted to be buried and it was my final chance to honor him.

It was around May when the stress of everything was unbearable. Dealing with all of that plus some anxiety regarding transitioning, I decided to stop indefinitely. It was a very hard decision to make, but for as awful as gender dysphoria can be, I find it less stressful right now to live as a man. It's well known territory for me, since I have had to do it my whole life. I'm not happy about it, but it seems like the safest option right now.

I am struggling with dysphoria as I always have. Life is hard right now. My wife just gave birth two weeks ago, and my stress level is off the charts. I really wish I could fully transition right now. Just blink or go to sleep and wake up and *poof* be fully female, inside and outside. And have everyone's memory of any male identity wiped clean.

But, for now, I am choosing to continue living as male. I wish things didn't have to be complicated.

[HappyMoni]

Big hugs for you. I'm sorry things have been so hard. You must do what is right for you. Hang in there Hon.
Warmly,
Moni

[Kirsteneklund7]

I haven't been on here in several months. I started transitioning earlier this year via prescription hormones. I was on HRT for a couple of months and all was going well. I felt amazing on E. It was an incredible difference. I felt calm. And between the estradiol and spiro, my male sex drive was starting to diminish, which was wonderful.

I won't lie, this has been a very hard year for me. Coming out to my wife was very difficult. She took it well, but it was still stressful. In March, my father died from cancer. On top of that, my parents had no life insurance policies and had spent all of their savings while my father was unable to work during the final months of his life. I ended up spending $10,000 to give him a proper funeral and burial. I know that I didn't have to do that, but he was quite clear that he wanted to be buried and it was my final chance to honor him.

It was around May when the stress of everything was unbearable. Dealing with all of that plus some anxiety regarding transitioning, I decided to stop indefinitely. It was a very hard decision to make, but for as awful as gender dysphoria can be, I find it less stressful right now to live as a man. It's well known territory for me, since I have had to do it my whole life. I'm not happy about it, but it seems like the safest option right now.

I am struggling with dysphoria as I always have. Life is hard right now. My wife just gave birth two weeks ago, and my stress level is off the charts. I really wish I could fully transition right now. Just blink or go to sleep and wake up and *poof* be fully female, inside and outside. And have everyone's memory of any male identity wiped clean.

But, for now, I am choosing to continue living as male. I wish things didn't have to be complicated.

Is it possible that HRT can help you even without transitioning?
I personally run on full dose HRT - go to work as a man. I haven't transitioned and my life is very good.
The mental relief from HRT works for me.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[Maid Marion]

Great to hear that works for you Kirsten. 

Breasts on men aren't than unusual these days.  It is a known side effect on a number of meds, including those for cancer and attention deficit disorder. 

[BlueJaye]

Great to hear that works for you Kirsten. 

Breasts on men aren't than unusual these days.  It is a known side effect on a number of meds, including those for cancer and attention deficit disorder.

The mental effects were great, and I really miss it. But the physical effects were happening quickly. I discovered that my body reacts strongly to estrogen. Even at just two months at a low dose, I had noticeable nipples and puffiness growing in my breasts. As much as I would have liked to keep going, it wouldn't have been very long before I had not just man-boobs but shapely feminine breasts.

[LizK]

Hi BlueJaye

You are the best judge of what is right for you. It's a tough choice to have to make and maybe given some time you will be able to start again. Problem being is how do you maintain your sanity and be the best parent you can be whilst struggling with GD...I don't think there is a "one answer fits all" solution.

I hope you are able to manage till you can get some "GD Treatment" sooner rather than later as it tends to have a  destructive effect on your lives

Take care

Liz


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[BlueJaye]

Hi BlueJaye

You are the best judge of what is right for you. It's a tough choice to have to make and maybe given some time you will be able to start again. Problem being is how do you maintain your sanity and be the best parent you can be whilst struggling with GD...I don't think there is a "one answer fits all" solution.

I hope you are able to manage till you can get some "GD Treatment" sooner rather than later as it tends to have a  destructive effect on your lives

Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thanks. It wasn't an easy choice. It came down to knowing that dealing with GD is a known thing for me, I have been managing mostly okay with it my whole life. Transitioning on the other hand offers many unknowns at a hard time in my life. I chose for the time being to just continue dealing with what I have always dealt with rather than introduce many new conflicts.

[BlueJaye]

Great to hear that works for you Kirsten. 

Breasts on men aren't than unusual these days.  It is a known side effect on a number of meds, including those for cancer and attention deficit disorder.

It wasn't just a little bit of breast development that was problematic. It was becoming very difficult to continue without wearing a bra. The size of them wasn't really an issue yet (although I couldn't wear a thin t-shirt in public because my nipples were becoming noticeable). The problem with my breasts was that they were very, very tender and sore. Even the lightest touch from anything was painful. I don't think I could have kept going without a bra to act as a barrier, and probably a padded one would have been nice. I know that many on here have worn bras while presenting as male, but I just didn't feel confident that I could pull it off.

[Maid Marion]

https://www.liveabout.com/all-about-t-shirt-bras-2175962

Consider wearing a T shirt bra.
No Bra Lines: T-shirt bras are designed to be worn with the clingiest tops, and won't ever show a line. The seamless cups will look invisible under clothing.

[ChrissyRyan]

I haven't been on here in several months. I started transitioning earlier this year via prescription hormones. I was on HRT for a couple of months and all was going well. I felt amazing on E. It was an incredible difference. I felt calm. And between the estradiol and spiro, my male sex drive was starting to diminish, which was wonderful.

I won't lie, this has been a very hard year for me. Coming out to my wife was very difficult. She took it well, but it was still stressful. In March, my father died from cancer. On top of that, my parents had no life insurance policies and had spent all of their savings while my father was unable to work during the final months of his life. I ended up spending $10,000 to give him a proper funeral and burial. I know that I didn't have to do that, but he was quite clear that he wanted to be buried and it was my final chance to honor him.

It was around May when the stress of everything was unbearable. Dealing with all of that plus some anxiety regarding transitioning, I decided to stop indefinitely. It was a very hard decision to make, but for as awful as gender dysphoria can be, I find it less stressful right now to live as a man. It's well known territory for me, since I have had to do it my whole life. I'm not happy about it, but it seems like the safest option right now.

I am struggling with dysphoria as I always have. Life is hard right now. My wife just gave birth two weeks ago, and my stress level is off the charts. I really wish I could fully transition right now. Just blink or go to sleep and wake up and *poof* be fully female, inside and outside. And have everyone's memory of any male identity wiped clean.

But, for now, I am choosing to continue living as male. I wish things didn't have to be complicated.

I am sorry for your loss and the hard times.  Hang in there.  Big hugs.

Chrissy

[BlueJaye]

https://www.liveabout.com/all-about-t-shirt-bras-2175962

Consider wearing a T shirt bra.
No Bra Lines: T-shirt bras are designed to be worn with the clingiest tops, and won't ever show a line. The seamless cups will look invisible under clothing.

Wow, I didn't even know this existed!

[Paige]

Hey BlueJaye,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time right now.  It seems so unfair that you are doing so well and then all these roadblocks get in the way. 

One thing you might try is Spiro.  You probably won't get the breast growth, but it will stop the ravages of T on your body.  Your body will probably just get androgynous looking.

Just curious do you have anyone like a therapist or group to talk to about this.  This may be one way to ease the dysphoria.  What does your wife think about you stopping transitioning.  Does she realize that you're still struggling?

You may not be able to transition now but that doesn't mean you have to give up on the idea.  I've postpone moving forward numerous times in my life.  I wish I was able to those times but something always stopped me.  I've always thought one day I would do it. I'm in my 50s now and it's looking more and more that I'll probably do it soon.  I guess what I'm getting at is you sound like your young and you may have to wait for a few years but there's no reason you can't transition later.

All the best BlueJaye,
Paige

[Maid Marion]

Wow, I didn't even know this existed!

Happy to help out! 

[Dany]

I'm glad you found something that works for you, even though it's not what you really need, it's what you can have for now. I'm sure better days will come, for all of us.

For me personally I thought in the beginning I'd be able to do it like that, you know I had my fears and all. Not quite the situation as I started passing without trying in 2 weeks. No make up and wearing mostly male clothing I passed easily...people probably thought I was lesbian.

[DawnOday]

Blue. Take a deep breath and relax. I can only tell you what I know. I too have known I was different from pretty early on but I covered it up because it was taboo to be that thing that didn't even have a name yet. I had a period of time similar to yours.  1980 my divorce was final, 1982 my Mom was killed by a drunk driver 1983 My father died of heart failure. 1984 I remarried not because I was wanting sex but because I didn't like being lonely. My wife and I got married in 1984.  I had started self medicating my depression with all the wonderful drugs President Ronnie was having the CIA smuggle in. The next three years were hell. Between the drugs and the booze I was a real jerk. In 1986 my son was born. I didn't pay much attention his first year but shortly after his birthday he started walking, not much later he started talking. One evening we went to the beach for a campfire and singalong. That night my son took off down the bike trail and I chased along after him. I took him in my arms and told him not to do that again. That is when I made the discovery. My boy meant much more to me than I was willing to express. It was that day I decided he was my Higher Power and I stopped the booze, drugs and I threw in cigarettes for good measure. Over thirty years later, my wife and I are still together. My son shares our home. I have since had a daughter as well. I can tell you. Those kids saved my life and I am here today because of them. Luckily when I came out almost three years ago my kids gave me approval. My wife has too but with stipulations.
I love the way I feel now. I no longer suffer depression, I am starting to socialize and make friendships. I have met some really great people along the way. I know the temptation and I was willing to live by myself if I could not proceed at home.  My wife still does not understand even though I have explained several times that this occurs because of a complication in the birthing process. In my case it was use of DES to treat miscarriages that my mother was prescribed. I have not gone full time. I am still seeing a Psychologist and we are currently discussing why I have not transitioned full time yet. I want to but I also want to honor my vows that I broke with my first wife.  Regardless of anything else make the baby your focal point as nothing is going to give you as much satisfaction as watching them grow.
As it is I go to my support group meetings and social events dressed as a woman. On a daily basis I wear panties and a bra to remind myself of who I really am. When out of the house in male mode I wear a binder to keep them tucked in. Especially when wearing a sweatshirt is impractical. I am probably much older than you are, so I had a career for 40 years and didn't have to worry about my job.  Aside from that, life was at times very painful. I too prayed to wake up female. I wanted it with all my heart. I started going to therapy in 1984 and I wanted to out myself then but there were no gender therapists at that time. Transgender was not a word until the end of the eighty's. So I told them I was under stress and six times they sent me to stress seminars. I finally decided to out myself after having a breakdown at my sisters three years ago. So at the age of 64 I started HRT.
I hope you all can work through it. I understand the disappointment that our mates feel as they really did not sign up for this. But I felt either I transition or our marriage was not going to last anyway. One plus is that my wife knew I crossdressed before we got married. 

[Kirsteneklund7]

Great to hear that works for you Kirsten. 

Breasts on men aren't than unusual these days.  It is a known side effect on a number of meds, including those for cancer and attention deficit disorder.

I actually love having breasts as well!

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[AnneK]

I actually love having breasts as well!

Me too.  I'm currently a 38A.  I've been on dutasteride for a couple of years and think that may have helped a bit, but not sure.  I'm waiting to see an endocrinologist to start HRT.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Me too.  I'm currently a 38A.  I've been on dutasteride for a couple of years and think that may have helped a bit, but not sure.  I'm waiting to see an endocrinologist to start HRT.

You will love HRT!

Kirsten


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[AnneK]

You will love HRT!

Looking forward to it.

[BlueJaye]

After a long discussion with my wife about where I am at emotionally, we decided it is best for me to resume HRT. I am going to call my endo today to see if we can get things going again.