I haven't been on here in several months. I started transitioning earlier this year via prescription hormones. I was on HRT for a couple of months and all was going well. I felt amazing on E. It was an incredible difference. I felt calm. And between the estradiol and spiro, my male sex drive was starting to diminish, which was wonderful.
I won't lie, this has been a very hard year for me. Coming out to my wife was very difficult. She took it well, but it was still stressful. In March, my father died from cancer. On top of that, my parents had no life insurance policies and had spent all of their savings while my father was unable to work during the final months of his life. I ended up spending $10,000 to give him a proper funeral and burial. I know that I didn't have to do that, but he was quite clear that he wanted to be buried and it was my final chance to honor him.
It was around May when the stress of everything was unbearable. Dealing with all of that plus some anxiety regarding transitioning, I decided to stop indefinitely. It was a very hard decision to make, but for as awful as gender dysphoria can be, I find it less stressful right now to live as a man. It's well known territory for me, since I have had to do it my whole life. I'm not happy about it, but it seems like the safest option right now.
I am struggling with dysphoria as I always have. Life is hard right now. My wife just gave birth two weeks ago, and my stress level is off the charts. I really wish I could fully transition right now. Just blink or go to sleep and wake up and *poof* be fully female, inside and outside. And have everyone's memory of any male identity wiped clean.
But, for now, I am choosing to continue living as male. I wish things didn't have to be complicated.