Quote from: amandam on December 15, 2018, 01:45:09 PM
My regular doc who used to handle trans issues for the VA, upped my Prozac because of symptoms I was describing. I am now sleeping better, feel more calm, etc.
And, my dysphoria has gone down. I'm starting to think that my dysphoria goes up with my depression/anxiety and isn't in-itself the root of my problem. I think that my depression/anxiety and dysphoria have been feeding off of each other.
My therapist said I'm not "transsexual", i.e., needing to transition, though I have strong dysphoria at times. Key word - "at times".
Any opinions?
My experience is that I am going through a process of opening and contraction, meaning, I will feel really %100 sure, and then I tend to feel good - almost no social anxiety, emotions flowing freely, at ease with myself. Then after a few hours or days I get really unsure. My inner critic gets loud and nasty and I withdraw. Anxiety and social anxiety come raging back.
Now, for me in my journey every cycle leads me a little deeper down the proverbial rabbit hole, closer to comfort with transition. I should note, before opening up to this journey a year ago I was seriously emotionally frozen, anxious and depressed and I even only started looking at gender identity when I was convinced I would kill myself. I hit the veritable bottom, very primed (and desperate) for self acceptance.
It could be you are going through cycles like this in a more extended period, or maybe you are just more genderfluid. In the end, I think for me the biggest obstacle to my clarity is the years of dominant cultural messaging, and my internal perception of being transgender as being dangerous/shameful. That's my theory on why I end up rebounding so hard - the super ego trying to re-assert itself fearing annihilation (my therapist agrees
).
In the end, I know that when I am my happiest, it is when I am looking forward to transition, so that is clarity for me. Even with that, I get into a super funk when in contraction.
I also have other issues that prevent clarity, so, for me continuing therapy is a must. I know transition will not 'cure' me, but it will(hopefully) lay a foundation where I feel like I can finally address the other wounds.
The best of luck to you on your journey!
Love,
Jael