I will never understand the fear that you'd somehow be an entirely different person, or lose an aspect of yourself, if you were cis instead. Perhaps my perspective is just different, though. From the other side of the looking glass.
I took that kind of pill (in a metaphoric/figurative sense) and literally all that changed was that my dysphoria went away, I connected to my female body, and began to think of myself as a woman instead of as a man. And I really love seeing myself as a woman. Like a scarred but beautiful warrior queen, of sorts. My personality is exactly the same, and so is the rest of my life. Except from having to bring up my detransitioning all the damn time, and people complaining about having to change what name and pronouns they use for me AGAIN.
Of course I don't really mean it in a literal sense that I "was trans" or "got my dysphoria cured" for all I know but... I did live my entire life hating and feeling disconnected from my female sex characteristics that I got naturally due to being bio female, until fairly recently. I still refer to that feeling as "dysphoria" but if it was actual gender dysphoria? Debatable. As a child I felt like I was neither male or female, but acknowledged my body was female. In my early teens I was conflicted and kept shifting between thinking I was either a guy or gender neutral. At 15 I figured I was a trans guy, transitioned from age 19 and thought of myself as a binary man consistently until my detransition this summer, shortly after I turned 29. I have only ever felt like I am a girl/woman for the past 6 months of my life. It's but a fraction of my entire time on earth. Something like 0,0014% of it. With that said, I think I can at least jokingly say that for a cis person, I've been very trans.
I unintentionally began to heal my bottom dysphoria with intense self-therapy (I was just trying to figure out if I really wanted bottom surgery or not) and in less than 2 months it went from severly bad dysphoria to absolutely loving that part of my body, for the first time ever. I could do the same with the rest of my remaining femaleness, which was essentially just my wide hips additionally, cause of being far into transition. And because I was far into my FtM transition... when my originial dysphoria healed away, it unfortunately got replaced with medically induced dysphoria from my transitioned traits instead. That was a bummer.
I can not heal that dysphoria away. I tried but unfortunately my attempts only exacerbated it instead. Something in my subconscious mind backlashed it at me. I'm at a point where I think I'll just try to get everything reversed, that I reasonably can, cause I've had enough of dysphoria for this life. Enough is enough. I guess it's just my hairline that I can't do anything about, and I don't know how upset I can allow myself to be about that. I've got enough sorrow.
But my point is, I was living as though I was a transsexual man, like there was no doubt. And now I'm living as the cis woman I apparently always was but didn't know until this year. Stumbling around in the world as a woman for the first time ever at almost 30... It feels a little awkward, admittedly, but I really like it and it feels very comforting that I actually connect with and love my natal parts. It kind of, in some sense, feels a bit like I've stepped out of a fog. Like I'm not sure who I was before, but whoever it was it wasn't me. But when I think about it I know it was me. And I wasn't all that different at all. People who know me surely recognise me just fine.
But as the question only barely applies to me if I twist and turn it around a few times... If I could go back in time and actually have an active choice in what happened, would I then have taken such a pill if it had been an option?
- Considering how I was thinking about such things back then, I would have refused it, too proud to be a man. But my current self would then like to whack my past self hard in the head and tell her to stop being such a misogynistic, paranoid, stubborn, insufferable idiot and just take the damn pill. And force it down my own throat if I'd have to. Okay, maybe I have changed a bit
Teen me would have wanted it. When I first discovered I was likely trans, I didn't want to transition or change my body. I wanted to just be rid of the dysphoria and then be fine with being a cis girl. If possible to travel that far back in time and give her that pill, I think that would be the best.
But now? Well, it's applicable to my medically induced dysphoria. Dysphoria is dysphoria, even my cisphoria. If there was a pill to get rid of that, I would take it. I'd still likely go for breast reconstruction and laser off my beard though, if not else so to feel more "normal" among the other cis, better looking (according to my own personal opinion), to possibly make dating easier (since I realised I'm a lesbian, my dating pool is more limited, I guess), and to not get
>-bleeped-< from other people about it in general. But it would be nice if I could like... walk around without my breast forms with my chest flat under my fem clothes and just be like "some women do have very flat chests, so what" and feel fine about that.
I mean, I see it as that such a pill would make me feel okay or even fine with the way I look in its current entirety, but that I could still feel insecure or get upset by people being rude or mean to me because of those male traits on my otherwise female body. And like that wouldn't be fun in the long run either. But also if such a pill would make me super fine with my body as it is currently and make me not even want those procedures anymore, that would be completely fine too! Honestly it would be a relief. It doesn't really matter how I look, me feeling good with my looks is my only real goal. And I think it would actually be pretty cool if I could be confident and feel beautiful with my flat chest and facial hair, etc, as a woman. Like that would be pretty striking. But alas... one can dream.
But as for "guy self" that I kinda was playing out as a trans guy, where'd he go? He's still around, but not as a separate aspect of me. He's integrated as a part of the whole me. He's some of my masculine aspects. He's my mood when I feel like I look like a drag queen but but like a hot drag queen. He's the aggressor in me when I shoot zombies in world of warcraft. He's in the anger I can't contain when I lose my temper at something stupid. He's the reason I hate crying in front of other people. He's in my walk when I swag instead of swinging my hips, and he's in it when I do both at the same time and try to imitate how night elf females walk in world of warcraft, cause it just looks so cool.
He's still around, but he's part of my womanhood, as a sharper spice to it. It's important to me that I don't suppress that aspect of myself as I previously did with my femaleness. He is and always will be an important part of me, cause he protected me when I was too scared and not yet ready to embrace my womanhood. I need to honour both of them and give both space to exist within me, and they can absolutely co-exist as one whole person and as one, binary female gender.
I don't need to look like him to carry him with me. He had his time, and all of me is at peace with that. So he's still around but integrated and part of a more whole "me" now. I learned that my gender actually had nothing to do with who I am as a person. I used to be certain I must have had a male brain, but apparently it's just a predominantly masculine female brain. How do you tell the difference? Could you even, if dysphoria was the only difference?
(I'm just giving you my perspective according to my experiences, not trying to push my beliefs or anything.)
