I was raised in an agnostic/atheist home (depending on who you asked), but always had spiritual/religious questions that my parents' lack of faith couldn't answer for me. Transitioning helped me come to terms with being myself, instead of just being my parents' child, and my desire to find my faith followed. I'm... Still not there yet, unfortunately.
It feels like I'm standing in a long hallway with countless doors, most of which are locked or barred or buried beneath things I don't understand. A few of the doors are unlocked and clearly labeled, the "named religions" with large followings and longstanding traditions. I'm drawn to a few of the unlocked doors because I can learn about them without looking too deeply inside myself, or without diving headfirst into the unknown. They feel easy and simple, but I'm not sure they feel right. One is so, so close, but then I look down the long, long hallway, and I'm not so sure anymore.
The locked, barred, and buried doors are different. I have no religious texts, no generations of worship, no personal gnoses to go off of. I just have my gut, and I'm still learning how to trust it as I transition. How do I know which door to pick? The one with the most audible whispers, spoken in some ancient, forgotten tongue? I press my hands into the dirt and something speaks to me, younger than the land itself, but much, much older than me. How do I answer?
When you believe every religion, every spiritual practice, has to hold some sincere and genuine truth... How do you even begin to choose? Honestly, I think transitioning has made my physical life a lot easier, but my metaphysical life a lot trickier. That's not inherently bad, but it is daunting. I just wish I knew which door to pick.
It's a small start, but I went to a Unitarian Universalist service a couple of months ago. It was very nice, and I hope going to more services will help me better connect with spirituality/religion in general. It doesn't matter if I see one door or a thousand doors; if I only ever read the signs outside, or stare at the rubble blocking my path, I'll never be able to leave the hallway.
Just like I needed to come out and talk to people about my transition, I need to enter a door and talk to people about finding my faith.
- Alexander