Boss smack talking me

[SailorMars1994]

Last night I heard something from someone of a nuetrual source. A source I do trust however. This guy went home Thursday night/ early hours of Friday and greeting him was his roommate (a coworker of ours) and our boss. This guy is a masculine gay male. Suddenly apprently my boss asks him if he ever wanted to be a girl (based on him being gay) and then my name was brought up. My boss told my coworker that I told him I was transitioning for "social benefits" (which I'm of course not and obviously never said to him) and that both he and that roommate feel uncomfortable around trans people and then they began to obsess over how surgery was "mutilation/cutting".

This makes sense and deep down I knew boss was talking less then great about me for a while but I never had proof. I liked my job but recent events have made me lose respect for this place.

[Gertrude]

What are the hr policies regarding this ?


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[NatalieRene]

What are the hr policies regarding this ?


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It doesn't matter unless it can be proven. If it comes down to a persons word against another it generally goes very badly for the accusing party.

My suggestion is to record the conversation. Technically legally there are some legalities and some companies would fire you for it but if you play your cards close to your chest and get the guy to do something like you can't handle the truth then you can go to hr and they either fix things and pay a nice settlement or they face a very public and damaging law suit with the inability to retaliate meaning firing you would be another suit for wrongful termination.

Whatever you do don't go to hr half cocked because they will protect the company not the employee.

[SailorMars1994]

I suppose you're right. But HR doesn't seem very effective at my job.

There wasn't another incident where that same manager made out with a bartender one night and I guess she was talking smack about him saying he "kisses like a potato". When he found out he purposely went out of his way to make her life as miserable as possible. It is never smart to smack talk your boss but seeing how he made two major no no's (abuse of power, in most establishments including these a supervisor can't have sexual relations with a subordinate and harassment for going out of his way to put her down) and everyone knew of this and nothing was done gives me little coincidence my issues would be addressed.

[Marcie237]

mods: this is a personal opinion. delete if necessary.
Personally, I have found that I just need to avoid most gay guys (that I have encountered) as they insist, loudly, that I am the other gender.  I do not know why for sure. To feel secure? It seems to promote a situation/feeling of fear where "I" know that none need exist. To me they're just people. Long ago I found one to be curious but wanting to have sex with my previous form. Another bought me lunch at the Ritz until later he found I had boobs - then he kicked me out (said "I don't know what you are")(I giggled). Perhaps the idea of changing/becoming produces fear. Everyone is different. Their choice for themselves is okay by me. (just don't impose it on me!) But I find I have to be careful whom I mingle with. Doesn't seem to affect my life much, but I sure understand where it did just affect your life/job, and I wouldn't look to HR to "fix" anything. Hugs if okay.

[KathyLauren]

From what I understand, the interactions you talk about happened away from the workplace, in an apartment.  As such, it is unlikely that HR could get involved.  Still, document anything that happens, whether in the workplace or not.  If something does happen that is within the purview of HR, all of it will be relevant.

I am sorry to hear that you have to put up with this crap.  I thought you liked this workplace, so it must be disillusioning to have this going on.

[Rachel]

I am sorry this is happening to you.

I would document everything that was said. I also would keep a journal of all other issues.

I understand how it is to have a supervisor that is discouraging and disrespectful. Remember you are a good person and do not let him get you down.

[HappyMoni]

Stay strong Girl. Don't let the idiots get you down. You know who you are. Hugs
Moni

[SailorMars1994]

mods: this is a personal opinion. delete if necessary.
Personally, I have found that I just need to avoid most gay guys (that I have encountered) as they insist, loudly, that I am the other gender.  I do not know why for sure. To feel secure? It seems to promote a situation/feeling of fear where "I" know that none need exist. To me they're just people. Long ago I found one to be curious but wanting to have sex with my previous form. Another bought me lunch at the Ritz until later he found I had boobs - then he kicked me out (said "I don't know what you are")(I giggled). Perhaps the idea of changing/becoming produces fear. Everyone is different. Their choice for themselves is okay by me. (just don't impose it on me!) But I find I have to be careful whom I mingle with. Doesn't seem to affect my life much, but I sure understand where it did just affect your life/job, and I wouldn't look to HR to "fix" anything. Hugs if okay.

Oops. Sorry I think I butchered my own words. The gay male is the one I trust and informed me of what was being said. My supervisor is not gay at all

[SailorMars1994]

Thabks everyone. I guess I'm still stunned that it will be 2019 in just over two weeks and yet, I feel somewhat (in regards to supervisor and the one bad mouthing co worker) as if I'm going into 2009 where I am not seen as an equal but rather this thing to be viewed at suspiciously.

[Allison S]

That's terrible... It's my fear to find something out like this although I already do have my suspicions. I think if you can get proof it would best to have the upperhand.

I also think since you have the job and I would imagine you need it- then there are other ways to overcome this without proof.

First, realizing that what your gay friend told you maybe not be exactly 100% the way it happened. I'm not saying he's lying or you should be oblivious, but you also weren't there. Second, accept that people will have very awful opinions and yet they are entitled to them... I'm not saying they're right at all, but there's no way to really change peoples views sometimes. Or maybe they're questioning things and this is a weird way they're going about it... Seems like your boss is corrupt and it'll all backfire on him anyway.

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[Marcie237]

Oops. Sorry I think I butchered my own words. The gay male is the one I trust and informed me of what was being said. My supervisor is not gay at all

Or I misread/misinterpreted it? Many thanks for that. I would like to think that gay guys are supportive of trans!

[SailorMars1994]

Haha np. I did end up feeling a bit better tho. I told a trusted co worker about this as one of many reasons I am thinking of moving to city. She just shook her head and said "for everyone of them, there is 5 of me what see you for who you are, I want to see you compete this and I can't wait till you get your surgery. You're a beautiful B-word" . That warmed my heart up a lot ^.^.

[Marcie237]

Haha np. I did end up feeling a bit better tho. I told a trusted co worker about this as one of many reasons I am thinking of moving to city. She just shook her head and said "for everyone of them, there is 5 of me what see you for who you are, I want to see you compete this and I can't wait till you get your surgery. You're a beautiful B-word" . That warmed my heart up a lot ^.^.

yep! Nice!!!

[Paige]

It's interesting that they feel uncomfortable around you.  I wonder if they have an attraction to you and it bugs them.  Do you think their uneasiness will result in some sort of negative action against you?

I like what your friend said.  She sounds like a sweetheart.

Take care,
Paige

[Em21]

SailorMars1994
I had a problem in the work place once. My advice, contact a lawyer and arrange a consult before you do or say anything to anyone! Find out what your rights are legally. Make sure you protect yourself. Keep a record of any and all incident(s). You should only share information with your lawyer and no one else. Not even a close friend. You need a job to transition no matter how uncomfortable it is. Good luck!

Em....

[NatalieRene]

It's interesting that they feel uncomfortable around you.  I wonder if they have an attraction to you and it bugs them.  Do you think their uneasiness will result in some sort of negative action against you?

I like what your friend said.  She sounds like a sweetheart.

Take care,
Paige

Oh most assuredly. I had a similar run in and it got down right nasty.

It started with sexual harassment. Then my boss found out I am trans through paperwork and then he called me on my personal phone in a rage. From there on out he was gunning for me. Ultimately he trumped up a reason to fire me and tried to black ball me. However I had documented everything and recorded phone calls between us including most of him raging and his  spiel about why I was fired. I got a nice settlement out of the company and they went out of business.

I'll say this once more, don't go to HR. They will fire you within 30 days if you do. The only time HR helps an employee is to avoid getting sued. Unless of course you're in a government position where the dynamic is slightly different. Instead of firing you they will simply move you and make your life hell until you quit.