Hello, I am currently referred to as Zac, I hope someday to be Zea. I've struggled sharing my goals of transition into something more feminine on one of the many axis's of spectrums that we call gender and finding strong support or paths to completing that goal. I am venting this story of my life so far in an attempt to find affirmation, support, and help in my life right now. If you do decide to read this, I apologize for the parts that I jump around and the parts that I ran on about. Here we go.
I was a very emotional child, and being able to communicate my emotions and thoughts was a important thing I needed to do to make friends. Upon entering school I quickly learned that that is not something easy for a boy to find. Other boys tended to take advantage of my sensitivities and emotions, using them to tease and manipulate me. Girls tended to segregate themselves from the boys in early school, however outside of school I found my friendships with girls seemed much stronger and developed easier, but being sheltered and limited in hanging out with friends outside of school, most of those friendships didn't last. Due to struggles to create friendships and excessive bullying, I made a promise to kill myself by the time I reached the age of 18. With that promise cemented into my head, I sort of just tried to move through the motions of life when in public. I began to admire the social circles that girls developed, I envied their beauty, and at night I would try on my sisters clothes, wishing that my body would shape to them. Into middle school as we learned anatomy, I was fascinated by the females ability to create life, nurture it as it grows within them and as well after birth, quickly making anatomy and reproduction into my favorite subject. My jealousy exponentially increased as puberty hit, as girls developed into the amazing beings that they are and I fell further and further from anything relatable to that glory that I wanted for my self. When my parents discovered I would occasionally wear my sisters clothes at night they expressed enough disapproval for me to avoid bringing the topic up with them. Into high school I was able to make lasting friendships with many girls. It allowed me to express my self in lots of ways, however I still experienced boundaries as they still treated me like a guy and not as a 'girlfriend', as well as hitting personal boundaries like how I felt awkward spending time with them as a friend while also internally envying and admiring them like one would a celebrity role model, that and male hormones didn't help either. My closest friendships became relationships which eventually fell apart as young relationships do, socially pushing me away from these friends that I would have just loved to stay best friends with.
After grade school, I struggled with college, my last relationship ended roughly and most of my friends, especially the ones I was close with on a emotional level, had moved to colleges out of town leaving me with little to no support. As well depression led me to fall behind in college and eventually lose my aid there. I fell into the social circles of my local game store which did help me a lot, but few of those relationships amounted to anything more then something of the level of a 'work friend' and with my parents consistently guilting me into working construction with my dad, I found less and less time to build those friendships. An attempt of suicide later and still being lost in a life I didn't plan to still be living in, I found the courage to move out and find a job separate from what my parents insisted. I was able to build stronger friendships like the one with my now current wife and mother of two.
Which brings me to life as it is now, I am happily married to a wonderful and supportive woman, with a 4 year old daughter I plan to adopt as my own(from wife's previous relationship) and a 1 year old son. My depression is being managed with the support of my family and medication, but I am struggling with medical coverage and probably won't be able to have insurance until late spring due to moving to a city with a better job/family service system. So I can't even think about officially transitioning or even talking to a therapist about it until I get coverage and adopt my daughter. I have purchased clothing for myself but my figure is not very feminine thanks to the binge eating of depression mixed with how men gain fat vs women gain fat as well as the muscle I have gained from work. My wife buys me makeup, but the artistry of makeup intimidates me and scares me no matter how much I may want to master it. I play with my voice as I sing to songs on my phone in private, but haven't recorded myself to actually see if I'm making any positive effect. I work a dirty and physically demanding warehouse job, so it is scary to think of transitioning while working there and support from the few coworkers I have opened up to is minimal. My wife is supportive but also cautious about the topic, as well I haven't opened up to most of our friends because they seem to be very critical people, even though I know they could be very supportive. I feel as if I am in a daunting stalemate with life, whenever I find the comfort to explore myself I run into a roadblock or become intimidated with this fear of being judged for my mistakes that I developed from being bullied throughout childhood. I feel trapped, locked in place, sometimes even defeated, not knowing what I can do to move in the directions I want to or even just feel positive about myself until I can start moving.
So yeah, that is my mess, I'm sorry I told it in such a messy way, whether or not you read this, I am hoping that venting this all into words and throwing it out there will help me with my problems. Thank you for your time and may your times be wonderful. ^_^
