Wish I had the courage....

[Jen61]

To kill myself. I know I will never  have a successful transition. There are too many things against that. I wish I had the courage to end it all but am too afraid to do it. Another year is about to start and I don't want it to be the same old thing. I'm sick of losing time where I could be happy living as myself. I remember being 18 and saying next year will be the year. Now I'm 46 and..... Just a rant. No need for anyone to reply.

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[jill610]

Hi Jen, I totally understand the frustration, but ending your life doesn't help anyone. Why do you think you will never be successful?

[Northern Star Girl]

To kill myself. I know I will never  have a successful transition. There are too many things against that. I wish I had the courage to end it all but am too afraid to do it. Another year is about to start and I don't want it to be the same old thing. I'm sick of losing time where I could be happy living as myself. I remember being 18 and saying next year will be the year. Now I'm 46 and..... Just a rant. No need for anyone to reply.

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@Jen61
Please know that many transitioners here on the forums have experienced many of the similar emotions and feelings that you expressed. 
I encourage you to take some time to read many of the threads and postings here on the Forums, you will then read how many of our members have dealt successfully with their own situations and their transition issues.

At 46 years old you are among many of the younger and young middle-aged transitioners here on the Forums.  There are many older 60 and 70 year old members here that have just started their own transition journey.... so for you to say that you know that you will never have a successful transition is very premature... there is always hope but that needs to start with your own attitude and actions... 

I hope that you have had some sessions with a gender therapist or another therapist that you can talk with and explore your feelings and future plans.   Also have you discussed your gender transition feelings with your doctor?   

I trust that you will keep us all updated with your plans and progress...  Never give up, never surrender.  Please post again soon.   Here on the Forums we are your biggest fans and we are all rooting for you.
Hugs and wishing you well,
Danielle

[NatalieRene]

To kill myself. I know I will never  have a successful transition. There are too many things against that. I wish I had the courage to end it all but am too afraid to do it. Another year is about to start and I don't want it to be the same old thing. I'm sick of losing time where I could be happy living as myself. I remember being 18 and saying next year will be the year. Now I'm 46 and..... Just a rant. No need for anyone to reply.

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If I may ask, why are you not starting transition? How do you know if you do not even try? Killing one's self doesn't take courage especially if the issue hasn't even ad a attempted resolution. Do you have the courage to live? Do you have the courage to start your transition?

I think you do since you have cried out. You are among friends, you are not alone.

[GordonG]

@Jen61
Hey, I've been there and got 1/2 way through a suicide attempt. GD didn't trigger it, it was other personal stuff as I had battled depression almost my whole adult life. I'm on the other side of that now and am very glad I didn't succeed. Life has become fuller, richer, and more loving. I've been through about 6 counselors during all that depression time, the last one I was with after the attempt changed my thinking. Or at the least I was ready to hear it. Remember that depression is all in the head, a real head trip! The only thing that will get you out of it is to learn to control what you are thinking.

Above all else, "Don't believe everything you think!" Think of something that your grateful for. Everybody can think of something, your last good meal, a good nights sleep, a roof over your head; something. And try to do this as you fall asleep, think good thoughts and push the bad ones to the back. Say to yourself, "I don't need that right now." Your inner self becomes the gate keeper, the watcher, of your thoughts.

When you wake up, again think of 3 things you're grateful for. This will start your mind on the right path for the day. Look at the good in everything. Ignore the bad, yes it is possible with practice, lots of practice. Have faith that the day will be a good one. Again, practice, practice, practice. You didn't learn to walk overnight, or ride a bike. Like almost everything worthwhile in life it takes practice to become proficient with it.

The mind needs training to not let it wander willy nilly. I know this from very deep and long personal experience.

Learn to meditate. This too take practice. It's not some kind of magical mind trip. It's a way of controlling your thoughts. I've been doing it for years now, and can really look back and say that it is helped me immensely. Google "meditation" and do some reading.

I know you can do this. Maybe not by yourself, a counselor is a good choice, find one that you are comfortable with. I think most will accommodate a free "get to know each other" short visit.

And you are invited to PM me anytime you want to ask a question.

[Nina]

Many of my friends have said it took courage to transition. I'm always quick to correct them. In my case, it wasn't courage, but more of a selfish attitude. I was tired of not being me, being what others think I should be. In the end I said "f it." It's time for my life to begin on my terms.

[Jen61]

I am a big guy by guy standards, I am legally blind and I don't have the financial means to have surgeries that would be required to even hope to pass. I started transition 8 years ago. After 2 years I quit because of these issues and a self made rough patch in life. All of my siblings and about 15 people know I am transgender. I've actually had pretty good support. With all that good stuff, I would still require too much help. It's one thing to push yourself to make things happen. Needing other people is another thing.

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[Jen61]

I forgot to say thank you to everyone for your support and advice.

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[Dena]

Address one thing at a time. I am 6'2" though there are others who are larger on the site. As for passing, not everybody does and I don't sometimes. People are pretty tolerant and will still treat you properly when you don't pass. I would agree that it's nice to always pass however it's not required. As for surgery sometimes bottom surgery is available to those who are unable to afford it. The other possibility is you might be able to afford one surgery, the one that you desire the most.

The function of this site is to help so start out with your first goal and let us work on the first item on your list. The transition can be slow but if you work at it, you might accomplish a great deal given a little time an effort.

[Linde]

Age wise, I could be easily your parent, and I am transitioning!  And you know what,it is lots of fun and I have a ball doing it.
It makes me feel way younger, and I am taking better care of myself now, because I want to enjoy my new life for a long time to come!
I am 6' tall, not much shorter than you!  So what, I am just a tall old broad and love it.  My best friend is short (about 5') and African American, and when the two of us go out to town, everybody looks at us, and we have fun.  The blond, pretty Nordic looking tall girl, and the black haired, pretty dark looking short girl! 
Life can be good, you just have to give it a chance!

[Sky1090]

Jen, though I am younger by a few years, I can tell you honestly I have been in your shoes. My story is sketchy and the equivalent of riding a unicycle along a rocky cliff with a mile long drop on either side. Four years ago, I did attempt suicide. 3 times. I saw it as my only way out and like you said I can never make a successful transition. Each time, something saved me.

My saving grace the third time was looking in the mirror with tears in my eyes realizing that if I end it all right now, I'd never realize my full potential. Something or someone once again held a grip on me and pleaded with me to do what I needed to do to survive, and I can't tell you how glad I am.

Coming from someone 18 years younger than you, this may not mean a lot but you are so young still. You have so much time ahead of you and you deserve to reach your full potential and see yourself for who you are. Forget people's opinions. They're like sphincters. Everyone has one but everyone else doesn't want to see it.


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[Zoey421]

Jen, suicide is not a solution. I understand how all hope may be lost, happiness too far in the future. There are many good suggestions in the responses to your post. Seeing a therapist is very important, someone trained to support your gender questioning and the underlying mental health issues pointing you to suicide.

I recently had thoughts about suicide, a byproduct of my general anxiety, when my wife informed me we were to divorce. I talked with a best friend of mine and she was insistent that I place two (2) numbers on my cell phone quick dial list: suicide hot line and mental health crisis hotline. I suggest you do this. I'm sure there are similar 1-800 numbers for these services where you live.

Reach out immediately when these feelings arise again within you.

I had a major depressive episode 13 years ago. For the past 13 years, I have been on medications to help my anxiety and worked very hard to understand my behaviours and actions that lead to depression and anxiety. I lead a successful life. I was able to come to terms with my gender identity after losing my job in April 2018. Why? Because I was able to shed the stress which allowed me to see and accept who I am. I am happy.

I don't know where my gender identity will take me. I suggest you take small steps, make small goals that are achievable. Breakdown your journey into little trips with rest stops. That is what I tell myself to do every day.

Jen, you will find peace. A first small step is to seek professional help. You will find happiness. You have the courage inside you.

Hugs Zoey

[Janes Groove]

First of all thank you for posting this.  The holidays can be a pretty tough time for transgender people and I know that from experience.  Reaching out to others for help like what you are doing right now is not weakness but strength.  You are showing great strength by reaching out like this.  I myself reached out for help 4 years ago back when I was pretty deep in the closet and I never would have dreamed in a million years that I would ever come out of the closet.   I thought I would take my secret to the grave with me.  But things changed. The world changed.  I changed.  And now I've been living full time as my preferred gender for over 3 years now.  Depression is no joke.  Especially for transgender people who are at much more risk than other populations for depression and suicide. The next step is to seek professional help which would involve talking to someone and being completely honest about what you are feeling.  I needed anti-depressants. You may too. Please. I urge you to continue reaching out and talk to a counselor.  There is no shame.  You were born this way.

[Jen61]

Thank you all for your advice. I am listening. I'm not very much of a talker though.

I was seeing a therapist and on HRT for 2 years. I wish I had never stopped. It was a tumultuous time in my life and I didn't really get to enjoy it. I do still have hope of resuming my transition. The before and after pictures here are inspirational.

Thanks again

Jen

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[Jessica]

Jen61, I do hope you are feeling better by all the supportive comments.  Challenges are real for many of those transitioning.  I am heartened by your thoughts that therapy is something that should not have ceased.  I hope you do feel starting it again may be in your future, along with continuing transitioning.

Hugs, Jessica

[Sky1090]

Thank you all for your advice. I am listening. I'm not very much of a talker though.

I was seeing a therapist and on HRT for 2 years. I wish I had never stopped. It was a tumultuous time in my life and I didn't really get to enjoy it. I do still have hope of resuming my transition. The before and after pictures here are inspirational.

Thanks again

Jen

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Jen, I hope you do find it in you to go back to therapy. I was in a forced therapy directly after my suicide attempts. I quit shortly after as I was not enjoying it and things were getting brought up that I did not want to talk about.

Therapy affects everyone differently. I interviewed therapists for a few weeks before finally deciding on one that I felt I had a connection with and who understood what I needed to talk through. For the first few weeks of therapy, the day after my appointment was the hardest day of the week. I hated therapy for how it made me feel afterwords. After we started getting to the root of my issues, I am now enjoying my sessions. The week in between still sucks but the best day of the week for me now is therapy day when I can release my thoughts and feelings to an unbiased source.


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[CarlyMcx]

Hi Jen:

I am on my fourth attempt at transitioning and I started this current attempt at 53.  I'm not that big, but I'll never be passable because I have hands and feet that were big for a man my size, and cartoonish on a woman my size.  I also can't have FFS due to a chronic sinus infection that none of my doctors have been able to get rid of.

But I am not going to let any of that stop me from living my life as a woman.

I've been a car enthusiast for a lot of years.  Car guys have a saying about project cars:  "Do one thing every night, even if it is just tightening one nut on one bolt."  It's their way of stopping the project from being stalled half built, forgotten under tarps or sold incomplete.

Even if I can't do anything else, I'll scrape up a few bucks for a visit to the electrologist, study new makeup techniques, experiment with outfits and presentation.

And hormones are important.  Too low and I get depressed.  High enough and I stay happy and motivated.

Wanting for what I cannot have is futile and wasteful,  Doing what I can with what I have defines me and makes me who I am.

I am sorry for your troubles, and I really think you need to see a therapist ASAP, because there is a road to happiness...but I think you need to look up and follow the signposts along the way.

[Linde]

Hi Jen:

I am on my fourth attempt at transitioning and I started this current attempt at 53.  I'm not that big, but I'll never be passable because I have hands and feet that were big for a man my size, and cartoonish on a woman my size.  I also can't have FFS due to a chronic sinus infection that none of my doctors have been able to get rid of.

I don't know in where you live, but I am sure the right specialist can cure your sinus infection!  My field of medical specialty is infection control & prevention, and I have yet to see an infection that cannot be cured given the right means and efforts are applied.

If you live near a Mayo Clinic subsidiary, I would start to talk o them.

[krobinson103]

I lived for 30 years knowing what I should have done and not having the courage to do what was needed. It almost all ended in suicide and I was an instant from death. Something wouldn't let me. I still don't know what it was... god I spose for lack of a better explanation. The fact is... suicide IS NOT the best solution.  I worked through my issues, lost my wife but all in all life is sooo much better than it was its not even comparable.

Never ever give up, face your issues one by one and if you do need others and help swallow your pride and ask for it. If you end up 'passing' great if you don't - does it matter? You live as you... and thats what matters.

[Jen61]

Just wanted to let you all know that I am reading your replies. As I said, I'm not really a talker. Thanks and Merry Christmas to everyone.

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