Possible to brute force de-transition thoughts out of me?

[krone6]

I just passed my 1 year mark on HRT and since month 6 I've had thoughts of de-transitioning since it's taken away so much of my happiness, made me MUCH more depressed, caused pretty severe dissociation, realism, and de-personalization (along with DID symptoms), and dumped a hell of a lot of stress on me I don't even want.

My question is if it's possible to brute force transition so we can finally move on and stop wanting to de-transition? Personally if I could be either binary gender I'd gladly be a guy any day as it seems much more fun and me, but I'm most likely trans and might be too far in as I already had a type of bottom surgery and voice surgery.

I'm also wondering if perhaps it's because I'm in-between still? Early on HRT and not quite on either side yet? Maybe after GCS and FFS I'll be more comfortable and move on?

For context my oldname is a guy and Riley (me) is a girl so that may also be getting in the way. Extremely TL;DR on what's going on but it's enough for now.

See my signature for more details. Thanks.

[SailorMars1994]

So I'm assuming you're amba. I can't really say much in your regard as I haven't walked your shoes. I did a semi detransitioning in 2016 but waffles back and forth until spring 2017nwhwn I went full time again and even more so then on my first attempt.

For me I didn't feel like two separate people, but rather feeling I have some "obligation " to live out as a male while being female brought me more happiness. For me my issues stemmed from being stuck in the last with old thinking dominating me and intense internalized transphobia. I never felt  happier as a male or felt it was me. Being a male just felt like a mask to run away from asking true questions l. It was a script, but for me the stage turned out to be more of a horror than a romance or comedy.

I used to dwell on how much of a failure I was and used to have a plan that if I was a "fake@ how I would live shortly as a male, run away and hopefully die soon in the process. The one thing that struck me hard the the knowledge that when I doubted myself it killed me on the inside, and my hatred for being born male only grew and I would rather give up on myself then keep trying to spin the wheels trying to make some "man" life work. I completely stopped giving the idea of detransitioning, or in my case running away from myself, up in June this year. Consequently my mental health has gone up dramatically since then in a positive note. So much so I don't even feel like a "male" even when dysphoira triggers trybto come up.

You and I could share that? But I'm sill concerned that you say you were happier before hrt, that if you could chose to live as a man you would. For me I am the polar opposite. Testosterone was horrible and I wouldn't trade my womanhood for the world. Perhaps you wrote it differently than you meant it but that's what I read. I'm not necessarily doubting your transition or anything but you should talk to someone if you are not already.

In any case go see a therapist . Much love

[KathyLauren]

It sounds like transition so far, for you, is not working.  You are depressed, less happy, you would rather be male.  What reason would you have for wanting to continue transition?  You say you are probably trans, but why do you think so?  Maybe you aren't.

[Janes Groove]

My 2 cents for what it's worth is never brute force anything.  Go with the flow. Follow your instincts. That's what they are for.  Going against them is only going to bring grief.

Just like it's never too late to transition, it's never too late to de-transition.  Do what you know.

[SailorMars1994]

It sounds like transition so far, for you, is not working.  You are depressed, less happy, you would rather be male.  What reason would you have for wanting to continue transition?  You say you are probably trans, but why do you think so?  Maybe you aren't.

This is a much shorter more blunt way of saying it lol! Still I think the OP should seek therpay asap. Brute force is a for sure way of failing and said person needs to really understand what they are feeling. If one is depressed being trans than they need to figure out why. Is it they are not or are they under external influences. You're post was rather bang on tho Kathy, as always!

[Beverly Anne]

I thought about being analytical and nurturing in my response, but no. You're not trans. Big mistake. Go back. Be the man. Seek therapy.

[HappyMoni]

It is a little confusing reading your post. (I can imagine how it is for you.) I guess if I had a clarifying question, it would be this. Are your troubling thoughts centered around being female or with the process of transition? Is it the stress of transition at the root of this or is it lingering desires to be male? Is something drawing you to the male side of life? Any pleasure in being perceived as male? Are you stressed at the multiple adjustments that must be made to jump between genders? It can be stressful for sure. I tend to agree with Jane that there is no forcing. Sorry for your distress.

[JudiBlueEyes]

There is that uncomfortable and awkward period of time when transition is at its most difficult, when we go between both genders.  I do agree that additional therapy would be called for.  I got much more happier once I fully committed to living full time.  Also I felt depressed about losing parts of my (male) life that I thoroughly enjoyed.  What I have figured out is there is no reason for me to give up anything.  Women can do anything they want. 

As for your name, Riley could be used by either a guy or a gal.  Don't fret. 

My best to you.

[JudiBlueEyes]

I've just read a number of your recent posts and I'm not convinced you want to de-transition.  You've come so far and just need a little more confidence in your progress.  You have come so far!  Take a new look at your life and re-dedicate yourself to moving forward.  You'll be fine. 

[AnonyMs]

I stopped hrt a few times in my first year, due to family pressure. It was an incredibly bad experience each time, and learned that I can't survive without it. The really good thing from that experience is that I never have doubts about being trans. I'm still not entirely clear if I'm binary or not, but "detransition" is an impossibility. I'd not survive.

I've been on hrt for 10 years now without social transition.

The point being that you could try it and see what happens. I'd guess it would go badly, but it's not permanent if you change your mind and you can experiment to find what works best. If you do that be careful you can handle the extra depression that it's likely to bring.

[Dani]

For all of us with any doubts about transitioning, we need to talk to a therapist immediately. You and your therapist can discuss the pros and cons of transition with an eye on what is best for you.

We can help somewhat here at Susan's Place, but there is no substitute for face to face counselling.

[krone6]

There is that uncomfortable and awkward period of time when transition is at its most difficult, when we go between both genders.  I do agree that additional therapy would be called for.  I got much more happier once I fully committed to living full time.  Also I felt depressed about losing parts of my (male) life that I thoroughly enjoyed.  What I have figured out is there is no reason for me to give up anything.  Women can do anything they want. 

As for your name, Riley could be used by either a guy or a gal.  Don't fret. 

My best to you.

It's interesting how unconsciously my mind knew a gender neutral first/middle name would work better than very fem ones. As illogical as it sounds my end goal is to surgically alter my entire body so it's so fem I'm more able to just be a tomboy and return back to a middle ground with masculine styles on most days in order to satisfy both sides of me, though who knows why I think this way. It certainly doesn't make sense why as isn't the goal of us in this journey to just be a girl and move on?

I've just read a number of your recent posts and I'm not convinced you want to de-transition.  You've come so far and just need a little more confidence in your progress.  You have come so far!  Take a new look at your life and re-dedicate yourself to moving forward.  You'll be fine.

Thank you. Perhaps it's more just the stress of so much so fast all at once from every angle possible. Prior to HRT I sheltered my life and didn't bother exploring. And then to go straight from a major bottom surgery I didn't really want into testosterone replacement followed by estrogen next which began my social AND medical transition at the same time and led into a 4 hour bottom revision then VFS in the same year along with a hell of a lot of changes which brought along severe dissociation I guess I can see how all this would leave doubt to just return back to safer times.

If it means anything to anyone here I surprisingly experienced gender euphoria last night with no depression the day after which is a first. Jan 8th is when my main therapist comes back from a 5 month maternity leave and it's not been an easy 5 months for sure.

[JudiBlueEyes]

"Perhaps it's more just the stress of so much so fast all at once from every angle possible."

Yes I believe this could be it.  Slow down for a while and take stock in how far you've gone.  In the beginning we tend to want to shed all vestige of male life and maybe this is a good way to learn our way as a female.  Sort of like full immersion!  But eventually we will see that we can have a balanced life where all manner of activities and preoccupations  can be enjoyed. 

[DawnOday]

Vacillating between black coffee and coffee with cream is a decision we can all make. Vacillating between genders? Not so sure we can handle that on our own. I am sorry you feel this way as it is not an easy subject to embrace. Especially after so much effort has been expended dealing with your first decision. Personally I have not been so happy in a long time even though there are restrictions on my ability to present full time.  I attend my support group meetings and after meeting dinners etc. all dressed up.  But on the other hand I have a 35 year old relationship with my wife to protect also. She has not put any restrictions of me dressing...outside the home. At home, it is not taboo but I do have to choose my time. I can live with that because for 60+ years I was not allowed to do anything in public. If I were able to come out in my teens I am sure I would have a whole other outlook and handle things differently.  I have never had doubts but I did have about 35 years when my situation did not have a name other than mentally impaired.

[Dani]

I have never had doubts but I did have about 35 years when my situation did not have a name other than mentally impaired.

Same here.

Over 50 years ago, I knew I was different, but the psychologists of that era were convinced that I just needed a more positive role model.

That did not work out so well. So, here I am with Plan B, also known as an older transitioner.

[krone6]

"Perhaps it's more just the stress of so much so fast all at once from every angle possible."

Yes I believe this could be it.  Slow down for a while and take stock in how far you've gone.  In the beginning we tend to want to shed all vestige of male life and maybe this is a good way to learn our way as a female.  Sort of like full immersion!  But eventually we will see that we can have a balanced life where all manner of activities and preoccupations  can be enjoyed.

How long is a while in this case?

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[Athenajacob]

How long is a while in this case?

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I don't know much, but I know it sounds like you have a lot to figure out on your own here--and time is relative, but it sounds like you need quite a bit of it depending on how much therapy you can fit in your schedule. You may also want to consider that the depression and even yes the euphoria could be due to something unrelated to your transition and possible detransition.

For example, do you have a significant other? Are you actively dating (or alternatively have you committed to not date)? Do you have a support network? What's going on in your career? And so on, negative feelings are unlikely to be mono-causal. It sounds like you did a whole lot very fast and that you may not be processing yet.

Just like you feel you made a decision to transition perhaps too quickly I would recommend not making a similar hasty decision in deciding to detransition quickly as well.

Longwinded way of saying--if it were me--at least a year or more; but again, I don't really know anything--only you know what's best for you!

[krone6]

I don't know much, but I know it sounds like you have a lot to figure out on your own here--and time is relative, but it sounds like you need quite a bit of it depending on how much therapy you can fit in your schedule. You may also want to consider that the depression and even yes the euphoria could be due to something unrelated to your transition and possible detransition.

For example, do you have a significant other? Are you actively dating (or alternatively have you committed to not date)? Do you have a support network? What's going on in your career? And so on, negative feelings are unlikely to be mono-causal. It sounds like you did a whole lot very fast and that you may not be processing yet.

Just like you feel you made a decision to transition perhaps too quickly I would recommend not making a similar hasty decision in deciding to detransition quickly as well.

Longwinded way of saying--if it were me--at least a year or more; but again, I don't really know anything--only you know what's best for you!

Hi there,

So no, I don't have a significant other as I need to figure myself and other things out first before I bring another boy into the crazy world of Riley; the most pressing one is getting my alters/dissociation under control so I remain consistent. For now I have a really nice best friend I met a year ago who filled in that dad role to allow me to effectively safely grow up again as a girl since I did this so late in life at 25 but each week I get closer to that light and due to how incredibly hard headed and strong minded I am I know I'll make this work. I must as there's no turning back. Plus without voice therapy my voice won't really sound like a guy's anymore even if I try to. The male register was taken away so it'd need to be driven through psychological methods and each day I slowly shift towards how a girl talks.

It's probably just some stress that triggers it from what I'm learning. My consults are done with FFS, I have a preference in mind with backup plans, a plan moving forward, work situation going incredibly well, a financial plan to pay for all this, bottom surgery consult coming up, and some minor body mods I've wanted and was too scared to get years ago. So all in all my life's fine, I'm just a scared, weak girl doing her best to make the best of this life as my prime was lived as a guy and the rest will be lived as a girl.

The way I see it is Riley's in there scared and post FFS she can show herself and shed this masculine shell for good while SRS will help solidify internally to the self-image and self-identification I cling to so desperately. In-between genitalia is quite a strange sensation and not knowing if you will ever get a vagina OR even a working clit is extra stress that's not needed.

In summary, it'll all be fine. It has to be and it will be.

In one year I did this: https://photos.app.goo.gl/CxssQFudi9AiziJS7

[SoupSarah]

Hi riley,

In your last post you mention DID and alters. I wonder if you are having therapy for this? or gender therapy. You see, I am diagnosed DID, have strong male and female alters and (I know now) I am not trans. From our perspective dealing with trying to sort out the trauma behind the DID is now more important as to what actual gender we will be when over this. There is no way I could tell you what our actual gender is at the moment. I know I am female, I always have been. But my other main part (alter) is male, and sure of it. Whilst he does make consesions for me, such as androgynous clothing, long hair and HRT - he is still totally convinced he is a male.
In fact I have spoken too over 2 dozen DID sufferers from all walks of life, AMAB and AFAB and every single one has had alternate gendered parts. To treat one part is to damage another, until you can get a system that works. You all need to be able to make the decision (or better all need to integrate) to be able to make any decisions as permanent as SRS. That will only come about with detailed and lengthy therapy to work out the underlying trauma.

In your first post (and the reason I carried on reading the thread) what you described was almost exactly the feelings we have: I strongly suspected DID, but it is such a emotive subject on here I feared posting.

Overall, I just want you to know, I "get it", I understand a little of what you are going through. I hope you can get the proper therapy and be able to make the correct choices in the future. But as others said, brute-forcing anything could end up putting you in a LOT worse situation than you are now.

Please take some gentle care of yourselves, and go gently.

Oh and I know you think your old, but as someone who is staring at 50, I can assure you, you are not and have PLENTY of time!.

Sarah x

[Wednesday]

You're only 1 year in, you know, you're just beginning.

Even if you sort out all your surgeries, treatments, documents and all the stuff needed, at once and in a pretty small space of time... This not going to change things that much: it's still gonna be a proccess.

In my opinion, and from my experience and reflections, it's a very common mistake to take transition as just a ta-dah, finger snapping, sudden paradigm shift and you're done like you crossed the rubicon and today is gonna be the first day of the rest of your life...

Nope. Not even close. It's a proccess. Takes time. Most people arrive to transition with years of emotional baggage. Those're not likely to dissappear in the mist magically. It takes time, takes healing, takes personal growth, takes self knowledge... and it's not gonna happen overnight no matter how much money, beauty or support you can get. And girl, you can bet on this one.

Many of the emotional wounds, the distress, the trauma (if you wanna name it that way) is stuff that needs to be addressed regardless of transition. You have to be aware that physical transition is what it is. No matter if you look like a goddess or just like a very modest plain jane, you're sculpting your physique and having some general readjustments done. That's all. There's still a lot to do.

Please don't neglect your emotional and mental health. Specially if as like you're saying you're suffering from anxiety, dissociation, and other significant issues (yea, they are). Surrender yourself of good friends, family and nice people in general. Make use of therapists: they exist because a reason, and despite what many people would say, there still are some really good therapists out there (btw they don't need neccesarily to be transgender-care specialists) and again, please remember that this is gonna be a trip, and you're barely giving your first steps.