Sexual orientation?

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thanks, ladies! I love you! As a female, I've always been attracted to boys, men. I married a female to "cure" myself, but that didn't work. I currently date men.

Hi Beverly,
                    What is it about the male species that creates the magic?

Regards, Kirsten.

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[IAmM]

Not Beverly so I hope that I am not speaking out of turn.

Speaking for myself, it is everything. The smell of them, the strength, the way they feel inside of me, on top of me. More important, they are everything I am not. I don't understand men, not even a little, I do love how they make me feel when I am with them. Their desire takes me over the edge but their vulnerability makes me twist inside, the two together can be intoxicating.

Women never surprise me, men constantly do.

What is my sexual orientation? All of those years I thought that I was gay, I don't know, am I straight now? I do know it has always been men. I hate the quiet but love when they talk. I hate the macho but love when they open up and show who they really are. I never want to hear of the attempts to fix the dishwasher, ugh!, but I would die for how they curl up behind me and breathe into my ear as they are falling asleep how much they they love me.

Ever spend a truly crappy day with a man who has been trying to fix it since the beginning but the crappy day is stronger than his resolve? It is magnificent! When you are getting ready for bed and he is apologizing for how bad it was, all you can feel is how hard he tried and the world melts away.

I am probably not normal, but I love the half bro fest, half confusion of men. It is not that I dislike women or anything, men are just everything that makes my life better.

Hi Beverly,
                    What is it about the male species that creates the magic?

Regards, Kirsten.

[KimOct]

I had zero attraction to men pre transition - not hidden - in denial - just completely none.  But here is the weird part I fantasized about having sex with a man as a woman.  I could not figure that out for a long time.  Men did not interest me and the thought of interacting sexually with them turned my stomach to be blunt.

What I realized recently by reading a lengthy explanation elsewhere is that I did not want to have sex with a man in a body that felt wrong.  Having sex with a woman in a male body seemed fine - I would just fantasize that the roles were reversed.

Someone I know wrote the following - "the man desires the woman but the woman desires to be desired by the man".

That made a lot of sense to me.  I am still more attracted to women than men probably for multiple reasons - my only experience is with women - and my body is not as feminine as I wish it was.

But my attraction orientation is shifting.  I have been on estrogen since July 2017 - people told me that once I was on it I would become more interested in men.  I thought that was ridiculous - why would a change in hormones change who I am attracted to.  Well I had an orchiectomy also in July 2017 so I am only running on estrogen - the T is gone.

Is that part of the reason that my attraction orientation is shifting? IDK.  May be just feeling more female.

But I get it that the majority of transwomen are still for the most part attracted to women.  In the past on a scale if the number one was being attracted to men and women was a 10 then I was definitely a 10.  Today I would say I am a 7 or 8.  Will I ever have sex with a man or even kiss one? IDK  But then again I never thought I would transition so who knows?

[Linde]

I am still trying to look into me, why I feel that I am attracted to women only that is!

I have to consider that I was, to a very large extend, female all my life (biologically, not mentally that much), and that the only "real" male indicator of my body are my genitals (of which somebody decided look better on me than female ones), I basically was more or less a lesbian all my life.  I never was interested the least bit in any physical encounter with a male, that went further than shaking hands!
Here I am now,  trying to finally shed those stupid male genitals, and for sure do not want them back inside my body.  My orientation was always toward females, I think that males are not very attractive, and that penises look pretty ugly (when erected), or pathetic (when not).
I do not believe that any estrogen or surgery will change my sexual orientation, many decades did not do this, a few pills and some cutting (to make me the way I used to be), will not do it either.

I think it is very good that the human sexuality is spread over such a wide range of feelings, this makes us different again from the animal world who use sex only for multiplying the specis

[Allison S]

I remember around 12 or 13 I tried envisioning being with a female and honestly for me I always thought, why? In my head I could be the female myself so I wasn't interested in having one as a girlfriend.

I was a bit delusional thinking guys saw me as a girl, or at least feminine enough. I kept "clean cut" enough and guys in my school were already questioning their sexuality a bit at that time. I wasn't invisible to them, but sadly they never tried asking me out either...

Now that I think about it I did really like guys seeing me as a girl... Since transitioning, I think I'm closer to getting male attention as a girl than ever before.
Interestingly enough as I started getting older (began hrt at 27) I became hyper aware and sensitive when people naturally started gendering me male and man more and more.

Anyway, I always liked guys and I don't know why but I'm not complaining.

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[HappyMoni]

Michelle, what a well expressed explanation. Makes me think of things that I had not before. Thanks Babes, lol!

Kim, your quote gave words to something that I think I knew somewhere in this empty head of mine. lol

"Someone I know wrote the following - "the man desires the woman but the woman desires to be desired by the man"."
It may not apply to every woman, but to a lot of us.

Beverly Anne, thanks for starting this thread.

Ryuichi, one day I will learn to spell your name. lol I have stopped being surprised at how little cis people know about us. Fortunately, thanks to breeding programs carried out by scientists, the trans population is increasing. There is some thought that they may start releasing us out into the wild. A group once thought to be near extinction may one day be seen back on the prairie and not just in drag clubs and the occasional siting as the butt of a joke on situation comedies.
Of course, the repopulation program will only be successful if they can be somewhat isolated as it is well known that close proximity and acceptance may cause moral corruption.
I will now go and try to extract my tongue which is firmly nestled in my cheek.
Moni

[IAmM]

Michelle, what a well expressed explanation. Makes me think of things that I had not before. Thanks Babes, lol!

Kim, your quote gave words to something that I think I knew somewhere in this empty head of mine. lol

"Someone I know wrote the following - "the man desires the woman but the woman desires to be desired by the man"."
It may not apply to every woman, but to a lot of us.

Beverly Anne, thanks for starting this thread.

Ryuichi, one day I will learn to spell your name. lol I have stopped being surprised at how little cis people know about us. Fortunately, thanks to breeding programs carried out by scientists, the trans population is increasing. There is some thought that they may start releasing us out into the wild. A group once thought to be near extinction may one day be seen back on the prairie and not just in drag clubs and the occasional siting as the butt of a joke on situation comedies.
Of course, the repopulation program will only be successful if they can be somewhat isolated as it is well known that close proximity and acceptance may cause moral corruption.
I will now go and try to extract my tongue which is firmly nestled in my cheek.
Moni

   

[SeptagonScars]

I've had quite a journey figuring out my sexuality... and my gender. They were both damaged/complicated, and for basically the same reasons.

Short answer: I'm only into women, which makes me a lesbian.

However when I say that it's a slight simplification that is probably not gonna be popular here. Hence why I hesitate. I'll try to explain it as kindly as I can. It appears my sexual attraction only goes to other bio females. And that although there's a strong preference for cis women, on very rare occasion I do get attracted to trans men too. I'm sorry, but it doesn't make me bisexual or actually into men in general, because my attraction goes to sex, not gender. Trans guys simply slip into my radar occasionally because of their physical reality. I'll most likely only date cis women regardless (cause of other reasons), cause that's to whom 99% or more of my attraction goes, which is why I simplify my answer to those +99% in this particular post. Had it been my word choice I would have said females or afabs. My clumsy labeling is only meant for me to be true to myself over being kind to people I do not even intend to date. I do struggle to explain my newly discovered sexuality in ways that won't make it seem like I'm a total bigot, while also not stepping over myself to please others. It is my observation that I'm very exclusively homosexual and that can often to some degree slip into unpopular territory when it comes to trans people. I do try to be sensitive. And I don't want drama. But anyhow, let's move on.

It's been a very intense year in those two departments, gender and sexuality for me. As much as it has shocked me, I started this year thinking I was a gay trans man and I'm ending this year knowing I'm a lesbian cis woman.

My lesbian discovery was very recent and I'm still not sure if I can quite comprehend it. My past traumas that I left unprocessed for most of my life have really knocked me around, and since digging into them and sorting them out, I've been hit with one shocking realisation after the other, as I'm finally starting to put the pieces together and get somewhat of a full picture of myself. It's quite amazing to "see" myself getting put together like a puzzle and the clarity it brings.

All my life I simply assumed and took for granted that I was into men, and didn't even think to question it. But I kept questioning my attraction to women, over and over. I kept unsuccessfully suppressing my attraction to women, which made me switch between calling myself bi and gay as a trans man. In detransition however, I quite quickly started accepting and being fine with that I like other women, but struggled to accept myself as bisexual.

I was right to be skeptical about my presumed bisexuality, but I should have looked into and questioned both those attractions, and compared them more closely. Cause as soon as I did, a very clear pattern revealed itself and I didn't even need to go through everything until I realised that... no, I've never actually been into men, only women.

Considering I've only been in relationships with men, been sexually assaulted by men, lost my virginity by rape by a man, and spent the past 13 years trying to repeat those traumas with self-harming sex with men despite never actually having been into them (there were definitely signs of my lack of attraction all along, I just didn't get it)... eventually I just hit my breaking point and I got instantly repulsed by the thought of being sexual with any man.

And I'm being plagued by really nasty intrusive thoughts about men that are really just... flickering images and feelings of random men abusing me in various sexual ways. Very disturbing and upsetting, and it's every day. It feels like I unkowingly traumatised myself further through all those years (my entire adult life, from loss of virginity to a few months ago) and it finally caught up with me. I guess it's just hard to come to terms with.

However there is a strong positive side to this as well, which is I no longer have any wish to harm myself with sex, or with men, but rather only want to heal my damaged sexuality and start from scratch with it, but with women instead. I don't regret having "tried" it with men, as I'm sure that's a valuable experience to have, but I do kinda wish I had listened to myself sooner.

Also I'm fine with being a lesbian, like that's alright and I don't fight it at all. I really like it cause it feels like a long lost part of me that I've finally found and brought to my heart. It's hard for me to understand how it could have all gone so bad and how I can possibly repair all this damage, but my lesbianism in itself I can only think of as beautiful and good for me.

But I digress. Back on topic:
Since the gender/sex categories I belong to are detransitioners and women... I have noticed that most detrans women are lesbians, however as trans men they were (most of them) very masculine and seeing themselves as straight, and then in detransition reclaimed their butch lesbian identities. In a very over-generalising way, of course. If there is a common way to detransition as a bio female, my observations tell me it's most likely that. During earlier times, it was far less accepted to be gay or bi (and feminine) as a trans man, which perhaps kept more of them in the closet one way or another. That is of course related to how it then most commonly turns out for detrans women, as they come from having lived as and been seen as trans men.

My experience very much differs from what I can conclude might maybe be the "generic detrans woman" narrative. Most prominently I differ because I have "reverse" dysphoria (medically induced instead of the neurological kind, and previously used to have the trauma-induced dysmorphia kind; and it seems common that detrans women in general have some kind of dysphoria targetting their natal parts), but with my sexuality specifically I differ because I'm a femme and not butch, and I differ because I lived as a gay/bi man in my transition and didn't know about my lesbianism until after having begun to detransition.

And as a person in general I'd say my story became very overly complicated, as I went from thinking I was bisexual female to bisexual male, then back and forth between gay and bi male, then to straight female, to bisexual female, to homosexual female. That was quite a ride, I'm exhausted.

[TonyaW]

When I first mentioned transition to my father one of the first things he said was to ask if I was attracted to women. As if it was the obvious thing to assume. Other people have assumed the same as well - apparently a transman is commonly expected to be a straight man, like most of the rest.

Interesting.

I'm - practically speaking - attracted to men, so I suppose that makes me unusual, even though technically I would be bisexual in terms of what potentially is sexually attractive. It's curious how perceptions of trans people's attraction already exists out there even where people know next to nothing about the condition. If they accept you as the gender you say, then the general idea is that you're going to act and behave like the average member of that gender. I found this a bit weird, since the implication would then be that I spent 16 years in long-term relationships with people I'm not attracted to... for some reason. They seemed to forget all about that.

As another FTM man, I too find it weird that it is assumed that I'd "suddenly like women" by cis people. 

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

I am in a long-term relationship with my (possibly never transitioning FTM) male partner, and have been for over four years now.  Even though I find female bodies aesthetically pleasing at times to look at, it is cis males that I have always been sexually attracted to.  Actually, it took me months to get used to the man that I love having a female body, and during that time, our intimacy was almost at a standstill.  It was an honest case of "Its me, not you." 

We both still find men sexually attractive to look at, but I now am also more aware of exactly why a female body would be also seen as attractive, something I wasn't really aware of until I started transitioning. 

Unusual for me, I now can see the beauty in "fluffy" female bodies, something I also discovered after transitioning.  This is still something I am still thinking about, but the roundness of the female form, accentuated by extra pounds makes it even more pleasing in my eyes.  This is something that I never understood before transitioning.

Ryuichi

I got the MTF version of this.  Still one of my wife's fears that I will want to be with a  man.

No I don't, It's ladies only for this girl.

If anything, I'm more sure of that now and
I still have no idea what it is that makes ony guy more attractive than another.

Societal norms being what they were growing up when I did, I sometimes wonder that if I were attracted to men, would I have figured out that I was trans earlier than I did?

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[Linde]

Societal norms being what they were growing up when I did, I sometimes wonder that if I were attracted to men, would I have figured out that I was trans earlier than I did?

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I  think that you would have thought you were Bi or gay.  At least that is what I would have.  Bi and gay were orientations that were known to me (not practically, but theoretically). 
I had never even heard of trans or intersex several years back!  If I would have known 16 years ago that I would be intersex and  trans on top, I would probably have reacted differently than I did, and could have saved my marriage!

[TonyaW]

I  think that you would have thought you were Bi or gay.  At least that is what I would have.  Bi and gay were orientations that were known to me (not practically, but theoretically). 
I had never even heard of trans or intersex several years back!  If I would have known 16 years ago that I would be intersex and  trans on top, I would probably have reacted differently than I did, and could have saved my marriage!

I did not think I was bi or gay.  But I've always wanted to be a girl.  My thinking on that is that had I been attracted to men, along with my desire to be female, I may have made the trans discovery earlier in my life. 

We know of course that gender and sexuality are different things, but at the time I grew up there wasn't much information out there about such things.
I'm guessing all this would have led me to explore if I was actually trans well before I figured it out.

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[HappyMoni]

We know of course that gender and sexuality are different things, but at the time I grew up there wasn't much information out there about such things.

Agreed, different, not always totally independent though.

[Kirsteneklund7]

I've had quite a journey figuring out my sexuality... and my gender. They were both damaged/complicated, and for basically the same reasons.

Short answer: I'm only into women, which makes me a lesbian.

However when I say that it's a slight simplification that is probably not gonna be popular here. Hence why I hesitate. I'll try to explain it as kindly as I can. It appears my sexual attraction only goes to other bio females. And that although there's a strong preference for cis women, on very rare occasion I do get attracted to trans men too. I'm sorry, but it doesn't make me bisexual or actually into men in general, because my attraction goes to sex, not gender. Trans guys simply slip into my radar occasionally because of their physical reality. I'll most likely only date cis women regardless (cause of other reasons), cause that's to whom 99% or more of my attraction goes, which is why I simplify my answer to those +99% in this particular post. Had it been my word choice I would have said females or afabs. My clumsy labeling is only meant for me to be true to myself over being kind to people I do not even intend to date. I do struggle to explain my newly discovered sexuality in ways that won't make it seem like I'm a total bigot, while also not stepping over myself to please others. It is my observation that I'm very exclusively homosexual and that can often to some degree slip into unpopular territory when it comes to trans people. I do try to be sensitive. And I don't want drama. But anyhow, let's move on.

It's been a very intense year in those two departments, gender and sexuality for me. As much as it has shocked me, I started this year thinking I was a gay trans man and I'm ending this year knowing I'm a lesbian cis woman.

My lesbian discovery was very recent and I'm still not sure if I can quite comprehend it. My past traumas that I left unprocessed for most of my life have really knocked me around, and since digging into them and sorting them out, I've been hit with one shocking realisation after the other, as I'm finally starting to put the pieces together and get somewhat of a full picture of myself. It's quite amazing to "see" myself getting put together like a puzzle and the clarity it brings.

All my life I simply assumed and took for granted that I was into men, and didn't even think to question it. But I kept questioning my attraction to women, over and over. I kept unsuccessfully suppressing my attraction to women, which made me switch between calling myself bi and gay as a trans man. In detransition however, I quite quickly started accepting and being fine with that I like other women, but struggled to accept myself as bisexual.

I was right to be skeptical about my presumed bisexuality, but I should have looked into and questioned both those attractions, and compared them more closely. Cause as soon as I did, a very clear pattern revealed itself and I didn't even need to go through everything until I realised that... no, I've never actually been into men, only women.

Considering I've only been in relationships with men, been sexually assaulted by men, lost my virginity by rape by a man, and spent the past 13 years trying to repeat those traumas with self-harming sex with men despite never actually having been into them (there were definitely signs of my lack of attraction all along, I just didn't get it)... eventually I just hit my breaking point and I got instantly repulsed by the thought of being sexual with any man.

And I'm being plagued by really nasty intrusive thoughts about men that are really just... flickering images and feelings of random men abusing me in various sexual ways. Very disturbing and upsetting, and it's every day. It feels like I unkowingly traumatised myself further through all those years (my entire adult life, from loss of virginity to a few months ago) and it finally caught up with me. I guess it's just hard to come to terms with.

However there is a strong positive side to this as well, which is I no longer have any wish to harm myself with sex, or with men, but rather only want to heal my damaged sexuality and start from scratch with it, but with women instead. I don't regret having "tried" it with men, as I'm sure that's a valuable experience to have, but I do kinda wish I had listened to myself sooner.

Also I'm fine with being a lesbian, like that's alright and I don't fight it at all. I really like it cause it feels like a long lost part of me that I've finally found and brought to my heart. It's hard for me to understand how it could have all gone so bad and how I can possibly repair all this damage, but my lesbianism in itself I can only think of as beautiful and good for me.

But I digress. Back on topic:
Since the gender/sex categories I belong to are detransitioners and women... I have noticed that most detrans women are lesbians, however as trans men they were (most of them) very masculine and seeing themselves as straight, and then in detransition reclaimed their butch lesbian identities. In a very over-generalising way, of course. If there is a common way to detransition as a bio female, my observations tell me it's most likely that. During earlier times, it was far less accepted to be gay or bi (and feminine) as a trans man, which perhaps kept more of them in the closet one way or another. That is of course related to how it then most commonly turns out for detrans women, as they come from having lived as and been seen as trans men.

My experience very much differs from what I can conclude might maybe be the "generic detrans woman" narrative. Most prominently I differ because I have "reverse" dysphoria (medically induced instead of the neurological kind, and previously used to have the trauma-induced dysmorphia kind; and it seems common that detrans women in general have some kind of dysphoria targetting their natal parts), but with my sexuality specifically I differ because I'm a femme and not butch, and I differ because I lived as a gay/bi man in my transition and didn't know about my lesbianism until after having begun to detransition.

And as a person in general I'd say my story became very overly complicated, as I went from thinking I was bisexual female to bisexual male, then back and forth between gay and bi male, then to straight female, to bisexual female, to homosexual female. That was quite a ride, I'm exhausted.

Very fascinating story Laura!. I sometimes feel traumatised and exhausted reading your narrative.

My heart goes out to you. I am so glad you are getting to the bottom of of things. Wishing you resolution & peace as you go.

It seems maturity and core strength is coming to play these days.

Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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[SeptagonScars]

Very fascinating story Laura!. I sometimes feel traumatised and exhausted reading your narrative.

My heart goes out to you. I am so glad you are getting to the bottom of of things. Wishing you resolution & peace as you go.

It seems maturity and core strength is coming to play these days.

Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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Thank you! Sorry to traumatise and exhaust you with my messy life stories That gave me a good laugh though, cause it reminded me of how unbelievably tragic my life has been and for whatever reason that made me laugh.

I feel very relieved at how much I've managed to scrape up from the bottom of things and how many treasures have been hidden under my trauma-damage. And being able to connect to myself in really beautiful ways. It makes me feel like it's... almost kinda worth all the pain? I dunno, maybe a little too soon to say that with certainty.

I think you're right about that. At least I feel a lot of inner strength that keeps building up. And I keep being almost kinda revered like a guru in spaces I post about my discoveries, insights, journeys in life, etc. I dunno how to feel about that kind of very strong positive response. Like I don't feel worthy or I don't quite understand. Wherever I'm heading in life, I sense it's something big.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Love it . I think your offerings educate FTM& MTF alike even when responses dont come back with replies.

I bet you have already helped many with your interactions & humble advice you have passed on and that feels good for you too.

Kindest regards,  Kirsten.

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[natalie.ashlyne]

I used to be attracted to females and have flings with guys but now I realised that I am so way more attracted to guys it is insane the switch for me. But it is certain types of guys, but the is one female that still has my heart and I will always have it.

[Mary1]

I did not think I was bi or gay.  But I've always wanted to be a girl.  My thinking on that is that had I been attracted to men, along with my desire to be female, I may have made the trans discovery earlier in my life. 

We know of course that gender and sexuality are different things, but at the time I grew up there wasn't much information out there about such things.
I'm guessing all this would have led me to explore if I was actually trans well before I figured it out.

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Do you mean by explore,  trying different experiences including being with a male.?

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[Mary1]

I did not think I was bi or gay.  But I've always wanted to be a girl.  My thinking on that is that had I been attracted to men, along with my desire to be female, I may have made the trans discovery earlier in my life. 

We know of course that gender and sexuality are different things, but at the time I grew up there wasn't much information out there about such things.
I'm guessing all this would have led me to explore if I was actually trans well before I figured it out.

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"Led you to explore"   I'm assuming that means with a male.

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[TonyaW]

I did not think I was bi or gay.  But I've always wanted to be a girl.  My thinking on that is that had I been attracted to men, along with my desire to be female, I may have made the trans discovery earlier in my life. 

We know of course that gender and sexuality are different things, but at the time I grew up there wasn't much information out there about such things.
I'm guessing all this would have led me to explore if I was actually trans well before I figured it out.

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Do you mean by explore,  trying different experiences including being with a male.?

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"Led you to explore"   I'm assuming that means with a male.

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Not what I said at all.

IF I had been attracted to men, then that may led me to explore WHETHER OR NOT I WAS TRANS earlier than I did.

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[SeptagonScars]

Love it . I think your offerings educate FTM& MTF alike even when responses dont come back with replies.

I bet you have already helped many with your interactions & humble advice you have passed on and that feels good for you too.

Kindest regards,  Kirsten.

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Thank you. Yes, many have expressed gratitude to things I've said to them, advice, guidance, and just my general thoughts. It has been rewarding for me, but also overwhelming.