Quote from: Allie Jayne on March 03, 2019, 05:44:35 AM
I once heard a biologist answer a question at a seminar, "why are there so many changes to the biological names of organisms?" His answer was that scientists are always trying to impose rules on organisms which don't have any rules. I think we do the same. There are millions of combinations of sexuality at any one time, and they change as conditions do. How can we put ourselves in boxes while we are constantly evolving. Sure, some people are sure of their sexual identity all their lives, but I suspect, more than you might imagine, people at some time question where they are at.
It makes sense that people with gender confusion will be more self critical, looking for something to anchor their self image to. But with greater life changes than most people, it may be hard to find a sexual identity with any duration to it.
I'm a father of 2 amazing people, from an uncomfortable coupling. I did not feel heterosexual. My second wife was a sexual dominant, and taught me how to please her. I almost felt heterosexual for a few years until I simply couldn't perform. Then I was confused. I didn't desire either men or women, so I felt asexual. My psych uncovered a desire for me to be with a man once I felt fully like a woman. She suggests I am female heterosexual. I have doubts I'll ever fully identify as a woman, so where do I fit in? I am Me, unique and changing. I'm not looking for someone else's box I can conform to, life is challenging enough as it is!
Allie
Thank you for this post!
Ugh. Boxes. I've always wanted one. I've never been able to find mine, and perhaps you've helped me here. Perhaps there never
will be one box for me.
I was sexually active as soon as I could be. I wasn't exactly a stud that would have sex any chance I could get, but it was an important part of my life for many years. As above, I tended toward long-term, monogamous and dedicated relationships. I'm not in any way a swinger nor do I have a desire for open relationships. I love the security of being in a strong, loving relationship with one person.
I didn't realize, though, that I was living my life vicariously. Oh, I've always known what I
wanted to be, but I never thought it possible without what I dread the most: ridicule.
It was after I came out to my ex-wife the first time and then went back in the closet that she asked if I was living my life vicariously through her. I denied it, of course, but I was.
After I did finally begin transition and start HRT, I discovered for the first time that I even could be attracted to a man. Unfortunately, it was my best friend whose specific commandment was that he was fine with whatever I did as long as I did not hit on him. My emotions got the better of me and I pursued him. That was pretty much the end of our friendship.
When my emotions finally settled down and settled in, I realized that I'm bi, but when I met my husband, I began to think about it more. I'm not physically attracted to most men (some...ooh, yeah, me wanty!), but I'm attracted to certain personalities and intellects. Pansexual, I guess. I was thinking that was something else, but as described above, that's me. Once I'd been in my relationship with my husband for a few years, I realized I was pretty asexual. I'd been performing for him out of duty, but effectively, I had no desire to have "pretend sex" with a man. I say that as I'm still pre-op, but I have had an orchie. Things may change once I'm post-op (still crossing my fingers!), but as it stands, while I do get sexual urges, I don't really feel the need to share them with anyone.
My dysphoria exists in all parts of my life, but it's strongest with what's between my legs. I've purged a couple of times and sometimes I think I could happily live my life as an empathic and sensitive "transman" if I could only have my dysphoria removed from me. The more I think about it, I do want to live MY life, but genitals are an important part.
So, yeah, effectively, I'm asexual and view our world as hyper-sexualized. I tried explaining my views on the world to many people, but few get it. I might just be sensitive to it because it doesn't feel right to me.
If I were with a woman, I'm sure I'd feel pretty similar right now. As a matter of fact, I had a breakdown to the point of crying once when I was dating a woman after my transition and we were "getting it on" as it were. I couldn't do it. I didn't want anyone to have anything to do with my parts, not even someone I cared for deeply.
I have no idea if this will all change once I have GCS. In ways, I hope so. In others, I hope I retain my sensitivity to the over-sexualized nature of our society.