Just for a little bit of context, I'm not out yet to either of my parents, and I have a trans male cousin who has been effectively cut out by a good portion of my family after coming out as trans. Also this is going to be a stream of consciousness rant, so apologies in advance.
This past weekend I drove out to Arizona to spend some time with my father and my uncle. Now, I didn't really want to to begin with. Both of them are growing more and more homophobic and racist as time goes on. Not really the kind of crowd I want to spend time with. However, they're still family. I've had more good times with them than I could count. But more and more I feel that is coming to an end.
If I really felt I had a say, I wouldn't have gone out there. But something inside was telling me that this may very well be the last time I'm welcome in their house. When my cousin came out as trans four years ago, almost the entirety of my father's side were pretty quick to distance themselves from him. Ever since then, no one in that half of the family will ever mention my cousin, except to say they'll "grow out of that phase in time."
Not only does this bother me pretty badly, but it makes me even more concerned for when I finally come out to my family. I'm not too worried about my mother; she's been supportive of everything I've ever done. My father, on the other hand, has made it entirely clear that he has no respect for the LGBT+ community as a whole. And considering the number of "he-she" jokes he dropped in the span of two days, I felt particularly distanced from him for the first time in my life.
Already before this weekend the day I come out is already the most dreaded day of my life. Right now I feel almost certain I'm going to lose a large portion of my family. Part of me wonders just long I can go without ever telling them, but at some point they're going to find out. And I fully expect nothing but negativity from them, my father in particular.
So this puts me in a less than enviable place. I need to do what I need to do for myself; I've already spent a number of years trying to be what my father wanted me to be. But now I need to live for myself. I feel that the future ahead of me is worth losing family and friends over. It's not going to be fun, but I believe ultimately worth it in the end.
What I have tentatively in mind is that when that day comes when I tell him, I'm going to offer him one chance. Only one. All I ask is that he treats me with respect. That's it. But if he acts anything like he has towards my cousin, then maybe I don't need him in my life. He's my father, he's helped my through countless struggles in my life, but I truly feel that if he decides to treat me as anything less than he's ever treated me, then he's made the choice for me.
Anyways it's been a rough few weeks for me. I'm tired. Sorry to anyone who actually read all this.
