Chapter 2: In Which Michelle_P lives her life post transition

[Jessica_Rose]

I am considering a type of stealth as well. As I mentioned in another thread, it seems life is much simpler if new acquaintances get to know me for who I am now without the knowledge of my past. I won't hide from my background, but I won't advertise it either.

[steph2.0]

I am considering a type of stealth as well. As I mentioned in another thread, it seems life is much simpler if new acquaintances get to know me for who I am now without the knowledge of my past. I won't hide from my background, but I won't advertise it either.

Exactly. With all the new women's groups I'm joining, there's no way I'm going to out myself. If it gets done by someone else, I can't do anything about it, but I can hope that by then I'll have the success Danielle has had. Fingers crossed.

[Anne Blake]

Greetings Michelle,

I am not sure on where I stand on this stealth or woodworking issue. Sure, it would be great to live life with no questions or issues as to my previous gender presentation. Deb and I are currently in Paris and no one has even taken a second glance and I love it. On the other hand, sixty seven years of my life were presenting in that other form and so many parts of it I don't want to hide or make up lies about. Much of it I am proud of and as for making up the lies, I just can't keep them straight that well any more. Plus, there is that altruistic part. There are a lot of guys and gals and inbetweeners out there that we are helping through their struggles. I believe that that option would be either removed or significantly diminished if I moved into the woodworking life style. I don't tell people when I meet them but I don't hide it if asked and I advertise it to those in need. Might change in the future but I don't see that happening any time soon.

If you can make it work for you, go for it and the best of luck to you. You do know that both Deb and I love you girl,

Tia Anne

[Donica]

I have been giving woodworking some thought. In the future, I will need to move to a new town for financial reasons anyway. I plan to complete my physical transitioning in place. It wouldn't make sense to move before the physical changes are finish. For now, I can continue to grow mentally and offer what little if any help to others.

Although most that know me are excepting, there are a few that seem to be a little uncomfortable. If they are uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable. Of course I would always want keep in tough of those close to me but the uncomfortable ones tend to drift off into the rare acquaintance lands, with little or not contact unless we initiate it.

As you have mentioned Michelle, there are many reasons why going stealth is very appealing. For me, realistically, it's still a couple years off. I do hope that those of us hear at Susan's will continue to keep in tough. I certainly will.

[Michelle_P]

@Anne Blake

Thanks for taking the time to reply while on your amazing vacation trip!

There is an appeal to just being able to live my life, and not have constant reminders that I am 'different' thrown at me by people who know me and know that I am trans.  Sometimes this really wears me down.  Dealing with 'allies' who think that I owe them personal 1-on-1 training because getting to that class was inconvenient.  Being misgendered by people who know I am trans, and are terribly confused about what that means, without malice (but perhaps a bit of early onset dementia).  Being 'that one';  "... and this is my trans friend, Michelle..."

The gotcha to attempting woodworking is that I would have to stay quiet during some very unpleasant conversations when someone has swallowed the propaganda, or try to take on the role of ally without outing myself.  There is also the risk of being outed, by anything from someone from my older life showing up, an unfortunate Google search, to a talkative dental hygienist!

Another, probably more practical path, would be to just live quietly, disengage from activism, and disassociate myself from groups where I am openly out; the Unitarian Universalists, the Rainbow Community Center, and so on.  I could just live quietly, and if pressed, "Yes, I am transgender, and could you pass the pepper, please?"

I have been actively trying to help others for some time.  This unfortunately tends to take over my life at times, to the detriment of my personal life.  That isn't good.

Ultimately, what I think I need is to disengage from being the anvil others hammer on, and find more ways to prioritize my own life over what others demand of me.  I also need to back away from situations that become exercises in futility, trying to get people unwilling to do the work to learn and behave well around marginalized folks.

@Donica
Sometimes it is best to just let go of those who are uncomfortable with us, or who make us uncomfortable.  I'm in this situation with a few people, who, frankly, have frightened me with their behavior.

[LizK]

................Ultimately, what I think I need is to disengage from being the anvil others hammer on, and find more ways to prioritize my own life over what others demand of me.  I also need to back away from situations that become exercises in futility, trying to get people unwilling to do the work to learn and behave well around marginalized folks.......................

I think this is a great way to get you on the road to where you want to be. I can fully understand what you are saying here and not that I am the biggest "activist" in my community I still attend a number of events for the simple reason to provide help and support for others....kind of pay it forward. I think there comes a time when the desir4e for a little normalisation in our lives is overwhelming.

[Dena]

There is a third option which I go by. I don't talk about my transition in my normal life but I am not worried if somebody asks or finds out. Much easer on the nerves because you assume that everybody knows but it's very rare that anybody ever says anything about it. This also allows me to be somewhat open about myself on Susan's. I don't provide my last name in public to avoid internet searches however if there is a need, I will share it in private with the site members.

In the end, it's what you're comfortable with. Should I meet somebody who is transgender, I don't out them because I don't know their status. If I know they are public about their identity, I am comfortable relating at that level as well.

[Michelle_P]

I've given this a lot of thought, and had a few interesting conversations on various aspects of the act of going fully stealth vs being out and open.  I've talked this over with friends, with my chosen family, in a few small groups, and online in a few places, and I have come to some conclusions.

Going stealth has short term advantages, but seriously soul-corroding long term disadvantages.

Being out and open is something that I find healthier for mind and soul, although considerably more dangerous.  One huge advantage is that among those who accept me and treat me with dignity and respect, that I know my nature is not an issue with them, and that we can have an honest, healthy relationship.

There will always be those who will be disrespectful, out of their own confusion, ignorance, or anger.  I will also know who they are, and will have less concern that someone I considered a friend might turn on me on discovering my past.

There is no reason for me to disclose my past history  to every person I meet.  I see no problem in strangers, store clerks, wait staff and such committing acts of assumption about my history and treating me like any other (white/cis/female) customer.  I am not trying to 'trick' them somehow, or 'trap' them.  They look, make their culturally conditioned assumptions based on what they think they see, and act on them.

Yes, I will disclose my history and nature to someone who I feel needs to know, such as a potential sexual partner, with all due care for my safety, of course.  This will let me weed out the dangerous ones, the phobic personalities, the people I really do not want close to me.

By being open and out, I think I will be in a better position to preserve my own mental health, and to oppose the prejudice and discrimination that the trans population faces.

With this decision reached, last Saturday night, I knew what I would be doing on Sunday.

[Michelle_P]

Sunday, March 31...  Trans Day of Visibility, AND I have Worship Associate duty,putting me on the chancel and doing a bit of speaking to the congregation.

The guest minister was building his service around "The Fountain of Age", by Betty Friedan.  Now, she was a woman of the 1950s and 60s, and even though a powerful and original feminist, she was also a person of that era.  NOW was still not admitting lesbians.  Transgender wasn't even a word.  Seeing me in the pulpit talking about her work would likely have given her fits!

Not that this would slow me down...

"Birth and death are the landmarks but it's the field between that's important."  OK, where was this advice 50 years ago when I needed it most?
...

Oh, the dress!

This is something special just for today.  These colors come from a flag designed by Monica Helms, the Transgender Pride flag.  I've learned that 70% of folks think they have never met a transgender person.  Now, none of you are in that 70%!   I wear these colors proudly as a transgender person today!

Read the whole thing over at my blog...

After two church services, and some running around and last second planning during Connection Hour after each service, I grabbed a salad for lunch, then headed for Walnut Creek's Civic Park for a little event.

Yes, more speechifying... Loudly out and proud, too!


OK, I guess I'm not woodworking today...

The speech was a riff on what I had said at the church, plus some rabble-rousing about the government military service "not a ban, just not allowed" thing, throwing all but a token set of folks under the bus or into the closet, along with some complaints about losing basic rights and freedoms.  The usual stuff these days, unfortunately.

I tried to keep the overall message positive, and wrapped up with this:

For my trans siblings, we who transcend gender have looked beneath the surface, and have seen depths that most do not realize even exist.  We know these depths within ourselves, these places that most may never encounter. We know the strength, the resilience, and the wisdom we hold deep within us.

Once everyone who wanted a shot at the microphone had said their piece, after we had all acknowledged each other's words, we headed to the sidewalk to show our colors to all the Sunday shoppers passing through Suburbia.



People were remarkably nice.  Not a rude gesture was seen, and there was much waving and horn-honking.  Our signs all held positive messages, and we all had on our big smiles, lots of positive energy all around!

And Monday I had a very quiet day, punctuated only by an hour of electrolysis, my maintenance every 6 weeks or so.

[Cindy]

I've given this a lot of thought, and had a few interesting conversations on various aspects of the act of going fully stealth vs being out and open.  I've talked this over with friends, with my chosen family, in a few small groups, and online in a few places, and I have come to some conclusions.

Going stealth has short term advantages, but seriously soul-corroding long term disadvantages.

Being out and open is something that I find healthier for mind and soul, although considerably more dangerous.  One huge advantage is that among those who accept me and treat me with dignity and respect, that I know my nature is not an issue with them, and that we can have an honest, healthy relationship.

There will always be those who will be disrespectful, out of their own confusion, ignorance, or anger.  I will also know who they are, and will have less concern that someone I considered a friend might turn on me on discovering my past.

There is no reason for me to disclose my past history  to every person I meet.  I see no problem in strangers, store clerks, wait staff and such committing acts of assumption about my history and treating me like any other (white/cis/female) customer.  I am not trying to 'trick' them somehow, or 'trap' them.  They look, make their culturally conditioned assumptions based on what they think they see, and act on them.

Yes, I will disclose my history and nature to someone who I feel needs to know, such as a potential sexual partner, with all due care for my safety, of course.  This will let me weed out the dangerous ones, the phobic personalities, the people I really do not want close to me.

By being open and out, I think I will be in a better position to preserve my own mental health, and to oppose the prejudice and discrimination that the trans population faces.

With this decision reached, last Saturday night, I knew what I would be doing on Sunday.

I do think about this at times.

None of this is meant to be flippant and it is rambling - so my apologies.

[Michelle feel free to remove this from your blog if you so wish.]

One of my most impacting confrontations that I needed to deal with as being TG in public was when I had my laryngectomy. My surgical and my oncology team knew me professionally and of course I was scared.  My thought processes were diminished and I had just had  9 weeks of radiochemotherapy. Looking back I doubt that I could have spelt TG.  I told them that I was frightened of being 'outed'. They were extremely sympathetic and said that the operation would not be filmed and etc etc. It wasn't until later that how ridiculous my concerns were. I was having my throat removed.
Why would filming my cancerous throat out me?


I sat today in some bushes photographing spiders - as is my want. There were a group of school kids having an excursion and of course they saw me. Giggles and school stuff ensued. The teachers saw me and I waved and walked out. I'm bedecked with a camera that most people can't afford - a badge of acceptance for being unusual. I decide on an education moment. I explain in my mechanical voice that I am taking pictures of insects. The kids are amazed and love looking at the pictures on my camera. The teachers, I think, are thankful that something interesting happened and no children are lost in the process. Little someone's son wants to climb a tree, little someone's daughter asks a question I cannot answer. I pretend to know.
No one mentions that I am TG.

I get home and there is a bill from the security company in my old male name. Do I pay it or ....
I pay it and yet again change my name on their records. Is this my problem? I could write a modification to their work processes that would stop this... but I'm retired. Do I care?

I get a text from one of the women in the the new group I'm working with. We are working to getting people speech and breathing aids to people who are disadvantaged, many can't communicate in any way beyond simplistic sign.
None have signed to ask if I am TG.
Her gorgeous daughter has just started as a tattooist and has come home with a full sleeve tattoo and she can't cope but has bought a bottle of gin and can I....

I go and drink coffee and she drinks gin and we talk about kids and we talk about stuff and we talk about fear and we talk about mutilation and we talk about those people in the paper and we love our kids and we....
No one mentions that I'm TG.

I come home and collapse, I'm not as strong as I pretend and I sleep for awhile.  I wake up and read Michelle's post and think, 'Did I live today for me or for others?' 'Why do I bother to keep being alive?' 'Does anything matter?'

It does matter. I live because I decide to live. I will be me because that is my decision. I will defend the weak because that is my right - I hope that I would have had the moral strength to have stood on the rail lines at Auschwitz and not let the trains in. I hope that I would have...

I am a human being and deeply flawed. However I owe no one an excuse for being me.

You owe no one an excuse for being you.

We talk about stealth, of woodwork or any other sort of acronym as a protection against what it is; being yourself.

Humans cannot hide, we are expendable and very biodisposable.
Being yourself is temporary.

I don't know how to finish my ramble and I get a text. I cannot talk on phones.. I live by texts.

'I'm getting my right arm done as a sleeve by my daughter.' "Why" 'Because she is my daughter and I love her.'

What am I trying to say?

We walk our own path and until we realise that then we walk someone else's.

Michelle, walk your path.

With love and apologies

Cindy




 

[LizK]

Michelle and Cindy thank you both for sharing such intimate thoughts. As a newly minted woman who often thinks about going "stealth" (if that was even possible for me)After reading both your posts find myself vehemently wanting to walk my own path and not jump into yet another box(stealth) as I have tried to get out of boxes my whole life.

Thankyou ladies for the insight

Liz

[Michelle_P]

Cindy and Liz, THANK YOU!

I think I have my path figured out.  Amusingly, I have already been 'criticized' elsewhere for 'doing it wrong'. 🤣  I cannot help but laugh at that. 

I'm just going to continue to do my own thing.  At worst, I'll learn which people in or around are toxic, and which are true friends should they happen to figure out my nature.  I'll just be me, and will disclose when and where it seems appropriate, to whom it might be appropriate. 

My life, my path.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Michelle,

I totally agree with all that you have said and both value and appreciate the way you (and Cindy) have so well voiced such a current and critical topic. Some years, following Tdor I run in fear of society around me and think of the wrongness of it all. These are similar to some of the reasons for considering Stealth. I am currently reading a great book, one that I highly recommend, "I know why the caged bird sings", by Maya Angelou. Her writings speak of growing up black in the deep south in the thirties and forties. Stealth was not an option, nor were personal rights but choosing to live the life she was dealt with dignity is teaching me wonders.

Please don't take this as any judgement or critique of choices, I just want to recommend a book that might teach us all about how to hold our heads high.

Tia Anne

[Donica]

I've given this a lot of thought, and had a few interesting conversations on various aspects of the act of going fully stealth vs being out and open.  I've talked this over with friends, with my chosen family, in a few small groups, and online in a few places, and I have come to some conclusions.

Going stealth has short term advantages, but seriously soul-corroding long term disadvantages.

Being out and open is something that I find healthier for mind and soul, although considerably more dangerous.  One huge advantage is that among those who accept me and treat me with dignity and respect, that I know my nature is not an issue with them, and that we can have an honest, healthy relationship.

There will always be those who will be disrespectful, out of their own confusion, ignorance, or anger.  I will also know who they are, and will have less concern that someone I considered a friend might turn on me on discovering my past.

There is no reason for me to disclose my past history  to every person I meet.  I see no problem in strangers, store clerks, wait staff and such committing acts of assumption about my history and treating me like any other (white/cis/female) customer.  I am not trying to 'trick' them somehow, or 'trap' them.  They look, make their culturally conditioned assumptions based on what they think they see, and act on them.

Yes, I will disclose my history and nature to someone who I feel needs to know, such as a potential sexual partner, with all due care for my safety, of course.  This will let me weed out the dangerous ones, the phobic personalities, the people I really do not want close to me.

By being open and out, I think I will be in a better position to preserve my own mental health, and to oppose the prejudice and discrimination that the trans population faces.

With this decision reached, last Saturday night, I knew what I would be doing on Sunday.

I believe Alaskan Danielle put it in a similar way when she came out to the folks in her small town. What both of you have said makes a lot of sense. After all, we have been hiding all of our lives, then we come out of the closet for a few years to transition and feel completely liberated and finely free, and then we go back into hiding?

I feel that closet closing in on me again by going stealth. I think I would feel better with a half stealth life style as you mentioned Michelle. Only disclosing the subject of being trans when asked and only to those I feel could intelligently understand.

But on the other hand, there is the fear of a tRump type falsely religious person in government declaring a bounty on trans people. We've all seen the ignorance and crowd mentality that would love to jump on that bandwagon. It could be the Holocaust all over again, just because of a few angrey words.

But all that is just that FEAR word again. As openly trans people, we are conquering that fear by simply being visible and proud. The liberation is almost overwhelming and certainly very gratifying.

[Rachel]

I learn so much on Susan's and this thread is one of those thought provoking threads where I learn so much, Cindy as always and Michelle too.

Somewhere along the way I stopped caring about what others think about me as far as being me. I think I do not pass. Others have express I do. At some point I just stopped caring most of the time. It has been my experience that people do not care. I do not hide who I am nor do I advertise I am transsexual.

When I go into the female locker room at the gym I look at the faces of the other woman to see any looks of surprise. Same when I go into the female steam room. There is never a look. I stopped caring at work and on the street a while ago. I would not give going into a female bathroom or clothing fitting room a second thought. I remember when I was so scared and now it is just normal.

If asked I would not deny my past. If I ever get serious with a guy I will disclose. Other than that it is not an issue.

[Michelle_P]

Saturday I led a hike for three people, from the San Francisco Ferry Building along the waterfront, across the Golden Gate Bridge, and ending at the Sausalito ferry terminal. This was some 27,000 steps or 10.5 miles. Stops for a brunch at the Buena Vista and a few other things were included.



The forecast high is 75 degrees F here, so I broke out the spring wear.

I had a good morning experience at the church, great sermon on love across differences, and some good conversations on random life. I also got some planning done, and refined details on some activity planned for our family homeless shelter, where I'm cooking one weekend.

Walking thru downtown I've had guys checking me out, had a very positive complement from a woman setting tables in an open cafè, and a fun interaction with a mom, dog, and 6 month old child.



Today, life is good



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jessica]

Saturday I led a hike for three people, from the San Francisco Ferry Building along the waterfront, across the Golden Gate Bridge, and ending at the Sausalito ferry terminal. This was some 27,000 steps or 10.5 miles. Stops for a brunch at the Buena Vista and a few other things were included.



The forecast high is 75 degrees F here, so I broke out the spring wear.

I had a good morning experience at the church, great sermon on love across differences, and some good conversations on random life. I also got some planning done, and refined details on some activity planned for our family homeless shelter, where I'm cooking one weekend.

Walking thru downtown I've had guys checking me out, had a very positive complement from a woman setting tables in an open cafè, and a fun interaction with a mom, dog, and 6 month old child.



Today, life is good



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm happy you've had such a great weekend

[Donica]

Life is good Michelle. Spring is here. Love your dress.

[Anne Blake]

Michelle, it has been over fifty years since I last walked across the golden gate bridge and it wasn't 75 degrees. It hasn't gotten that warm in either Paris or Marbella on this trip.

You are looking great and it sounds like you are living great as well! Way to go girlfriend.

Tia Anne

[Michelle_P]

I'm happy you've had such a great weekend

Thank you, Jessica.  I think I have been doing pretty well lately.  Normal ups and downs, the old self-questioning, anxiety, and depression gone now.

Life is good Michelle. Spring is here. Love your dress.

Indeed!  And thank you!  Another thrift store find.  Yes, we have some really good thrifts here!

Michelle, it has been over fifty years since I last walked across the golden gate bridge and it wasn't 75 degrees. It hasn't gotten that warm in either Paris or Marbella on this trip.

You are looking great and it sounds like you are living great as well! Way to go girlfriend.

Tia Anne

Thank you!  Crossing the bridge it was perhaps 60 at best, with intermittent sprinkles of rain.  I was a bit more warmly dressed for the 10 mile walk!

Thank you!  Life is good, and I am savoring it.  I spent a long dark time, decades essentially living while waiting to die.  Rather than rust out, the plan these days is to wear out, and I hope that takes a good long time.