So I know ultimately I need to make the choice but I feel like having some input from others would be appreciated as well. I have a friend who recently started hormones and she gave me her doctors info. The thing is I haven't seen any psychologist or 'professional' to tell me that I am Trans and at one point I did try to get that done but money is very tight for me and $200-$300 to see a psychologist or the like for one session is just staggering for me as it is. I also tried to get insurance but honestly the insurances I can get do not help much with the cost.
That being said I am thinking about just starting hormones without seeing a psychologist or the like. I know it will still cost a lot especially initially as I have to check with the doctor with my doses but I believe that afterwards buying hormones will be more manageable.
My biggest issue is that I do not have many people to talk to about this and the good friends I do have are so busy with adult life. But I have had two of my close friends tell me honestly that they definitely think I am Trans and I talked with the seriously and truthfully. I have also had many aquaintances tell me I am def trans also, a few even told me that they could see it in my eyes and how I carry myself, saying that I have a feminine soul.
As for my background, since I can remember I have always felt fem and loovee girls/womens clothes. As a four year old I used to love wearing my moms blouses and high heels and I even carried myself naturally feminine (not even knowing it). But that all ended soon because my dad especially believes that it is wrong and I was told that I am not a girl and I am a guy and guys dont walk and act girly and especially dont wear high heels or girls clothes and my mom agreed with him.
That being said and especially as a kid I believed them and tried the best I could to repress these feelings and be manly. but I would end up getting in trouble a few times and getting 'caught'. Things like putting my moms panties and yoga pants on, wearing my sisters heels and painting my nails. amoung other things. being caught and scolded only made things worse. I became embarrassed and would try to be even manlier and prove to my parents and everyone that I am normal and I am a man. but it always comes back and I cant help myself. Especially when it comes to fashion. I love womens fashion and I love to be pretty and show off. I have become so depressed having to be hidden and repressed.
At around age 20 I dated a tgirl and I was a man. I was desperate to get with someone feminine to prove my masculinity but I was terrible with girls and so I broadened my horizons and thought my parents will never know my tgirl friend isn't a bio fem. It was a great relationship and my first and the feeling of being loved was very nice but I know that something was missing for me, as well as her (my submissive nature being an issue) so we broke up. Afterwards I realized that I should transition as well, this is where a huge step in my transition comes in.
After our break up. I grew my hair out (despite my dad hating me for it) stopped working out my upper body so that I can slim down and started buying clothes and shoes and heels. I went online and express myself and made new friends who accepted me. I also began to date guys more too. At this point I came out to my parents and told them I am trans girl and explained everything, or at least tried too with the constant ridicule. My mom seemed to want to try and listen but my dad was not having it. I began to present as a woman full time for several months, off and on. and the ridicule of my parents only got worse and more consistent instead of fading away as I had hoped that it would. So I went back into the closet and repressed myself specifically from them. At this point around age 22 my whole closet is soooo full of womens clothes, shoes, heels, accessories you name it but I only began to use it or dress up in private or with friends sometimes in public. hiding it completely from my harsh parents. I am 30 now
And during this time of limbo I guess I will call it I have been so confused. I dont know if I am a tgirl, androgynous or a man. I feel like I am just trying to please my parents and be manly and I have in a way re wired my brain. but I always end up breaking the cycle and dressing up and taking photos and flirting with men and going out with friends. It lately is really hitting me that I am 30 and still not on hormones. I also have anxiety and depression and I feel like hormones will make a little bit of that go away and finally start to live an authentic life of being myself. I just am so scared of my parents and what they will think when I cant hide my breasts for instance anymore (they dont even know I date men, although im pretty sure they know since I have taken guys home) also I always really been attracted to females but I think its mostly their outfits and me wanting to be like them, after I been with guys it just is really natural, im there sub gf and they are my dom man and I just love how I get treated by men when we date.
Anyway, im so sorry this is as long as it is but I wanted to provide some background and get some serious insights. personally at this point I want to start hormones its been too long and I dont want to regret it. I just hope it is the right choice. and I kind of made it my new years resolution too. I would love to live on my own but it has just been very hard and I have helped my parents out a lot too since they are in bad shape. I just dont know what to do when say I cant hide my breasts and need to start living as a woman. How things will be not just at home but in public 24/7 fem. I feel like I really need to do this and find out too though and hormones will be the push I need and the excuse to go full time.
Anyway, thank you so much everyone and I am really curious what you think with all the info I provided. Do you think I am trans? am I just like androgynous or a male crossdresser? hould I start hormones?
