The Journey of Katie Ellen

[Katie Ellen]

So I've been around this site for a little over a year now, but only a very few of you will know me. 2018 was a very hard year for my wife and I. She went through breast cancer treatment and is just starting to get back to normal. I went through skin cancer and kidney stone surgery. The good news for me was I started HRT (with my wife's approval).

I thought that the start of a new year would be a good time for me to finally start tracking my progress.

Like a lot of you, I've known my whole life that for some reason I wanted to be a girl. I won't go into depth now, but I kept it hidden and actually had a pretty successful male life. In December of 2017 I finally did something about it and contacted a gender therapist. I really just wanted to hear someone else's opinion on whether or not I was possibly trans. She pretty much knew from day one that I was, although she didn't really say it until about the 3rd session. She has helped me immensely and has also helped me find the proper medical help to ease my anxiety and dysphoria.

I started a very low dose of Estradiol and Finasteride in the middle of May (2018). About 6 weeks later my doctor doubled my dosages and I stayed on that for about 3 months. It was raised again in December.

I haven't really noticed a lot of physical changes so far. I just turned 69 at Christmas, so I had kind of accepted the fact that I had just waited too long to get started. I have seen a reduction in body hair and slowly have developed breast buds which pretty much hurt daily.

I did take pictures before I started HRT and have taken some periodically since. I've never really seen anything remotely female in any of them. I just "looked like a guy"! It has been about 3 months since I've taken any though.

So today I took some just for the record. I took some with no top just to compare. I was shocked to see how much my chest has changed. Although I definitely don't fill an A cup bra yet, I saw small female breasts! There's no way I can go without a shirt now. Although I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable presenting female in public, I guess you never know!

So I'm officially starting this log today. I'm sure that there will be ups and downs, but hopefully when I may need help or advice those of you with more experience will help me through. I look forward to this journey and any new friendships I may make along the way.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Katie Ellen
Dear Katie:
I think it is wonderful that you started your own personal thread.  It will not only allow you to track your progress but your personal thread will be in effect your personal transition journal.   Just writing details out like you have is not only a good recap for your readers and followers but it also can be good personal therapy for you as well. 

As you might already be aware, I have my personal transition thread here on the Forums but I also keep a personal pen & paper journal at home complete with colorful doodling and appropriate snapshot photos.  I have kept a personal journal since I was in Junior High School... we called them "Diaries" back then.
I find that when I have difficult issues that I am working through that writing down my thoughts helps me to ponder and to formulate positive solutions.    When things are going well, I certainly write about those things as well.

As your thread develops more regular readers and followers you can expect joyful and congratulatory responses to your good news and when your news is not so good, you will find your readers and followers offering their ears to listen and their shoulders to lean on.

On cold and rainy nights when I am staying in, I often find myself in my comfy chair in front of my fireplace thumbing through and reviewing my journals, that is when I can gain insights as to what I need to do to overcome future difficulties and to see how to avoid future problems....  I can spend hours just reminiscing about my past life events.

I have carefully read and digested your very first posting here on your new thread and am very happy to see that you have overcome many obstacles with your and your wife's health situations.... plus you have big advantage that many other transitions continue to seek....  the approval and acceptance from your wife.  Count yourself very fortunate in that regard.

I will be eagerly following your new thread, please, if you will, continue to keep it updated as you feel comfortable doing.   
Here on the forums you will certainly come across many like-minded members here, some can become very good friends as you share your thoughts with one-another on the various threads around the Forums but also in Personal Message exchanges.

Thank you for posting your new personal thread....
...you will find it quite beneficial to you and perhaps it will provide help and encouragement to others that read it.

HUGS and well wishes,
Danielle

[JulieA]

Great post,I am also older, and have dealt with the hormone issue for over 40 years.  I found a great doctor when I was in my late 20's, and after much testing, was even offered a sex change option---that did not feel right to me, but my hormone levels were so unusual, and I started on that regiment, and don't regret a day of it.  My high and low swings settled down, and I look more androgious. I had my stylist make my hair so that it passes either way, and that really helped.  My hormones finally leveled out when I was in my 60's and I only had to use the hormones if needed for a period of time (usually related with high-stress in my life.
I am about to resume my hormone regimen to once-again balance myself out.

Hormones can really confuse your emotions, so I am delighted you have such a great Dr.
My only suggestion from your  picture is to talk and work with your stylist for a more male/female balanced style---I have been called a lady and a man, and I don't comment, I just enjoy that my female side gets and outing.  Almost all of my styles are women's clothing, and no one has ever commented ( I do use restraint is I want to use in "neutral territory."

I hope you keep going and just know that there are lots of fellow people out there to help!
Have a Terrific New Year and enjoy having the feminine side around.
Hugs
AJ

[BlueJaye]

You may never feel comfortable presenting as female in public, but you look passable in your avatar pic. In fact you look very much like an older version of my cis female cousin (she's about 50).

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Katie

As you know we have had a few posts between us previously including when we both joined Susans' a year ago and I recall your and your wife's health problems which thankfully are now almost resolved.

It is wonderful to read of your helpful gender therapist and your HRT progress since you started in May. I am glad you felt the breast buds which have now developed into small boobs.

You may remember that I also sought therapy in 2017 aged 62 followed by HRT which started February 8th 2018 and you may wish to read my story which is on the HRT Board and copied below and which I shall update mid-January.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241374.0.html

We are permitted to post our Blood Test Results of E&T and you may post yours after 3&6 months but only if you wish to of course.

I wish you and your wife good health and I hope and expect to witness more of your wonderful subsequent progress on HRT.

Hugs

Pamela

[Katie Ellen]

Thank you all for reading and responding.

Danielle - I don't keep a diary, but I do keep a calendar that I log milestones that I reach, dosage increases, and projected goals (hopefully). I also keep a spreadsheet with my body measurements before I started HRT. I haven't notice a whole lot of change yet so I haven't added much lately. But I will. Just slowly.

AJ - Unfortunately my real hair is only about an inch and a half long right now. I've had it up to about 4" in the last year, but cut it last summer and before Christmas. Just because of a couple of social situations that I didn't want to confront. I'm lucky to have a pretty good hair situation though for my age. My hair is very fine and I was getting a little thin on the top. The Finasteride has eliminated that issue almost entirely. I believe it will grow in pretty good eventually.

BlueJaye - Some of my photos turn out pretty good, others pretty bad! I won't be able to pick and choose like that in the real world. I do know that I am my own worst critique though (as most of us are). I do wear female clothing to my therapist and doctor visits, but no make-up. I have shown my therapist some of my better photos and she would love for me to come in fully presenting. But she never pressures me. I promised her someday I would surprise her.

Hi Pamela - My 6 month BT were 150 E and 362 T. Both U.S. I don't take spiro due to my higher potassium levels, so my doctor says my T level isn't a good indicator of my progress. I guess it will lower though as Estrogen becomes more dominate. I will send you my 9 month results when I get them next month.

Thanks again. Take care.

[pamelatransuk]

Thank you Katie for the BT results and wishing you future happiness.

Hugs

Pamela

[christinej78]

So I've been around this site for a little over a year now, but only a very few of you will know me. 2018 was a very hard year for my wife and I. She went through breast cancer treatment and is just starting to get back to normal. I went through skin cancer and kidney stone surgery. The good news for me was I started HRT (with my wife's approval).
.
. <Snipped to save space>
.
So I'm officially starting this log today. I'm sure that there will be ups and downs, but hopefully when I may need help or advice those of you with more experience will help me through. I look forward to this journey and any new friendships I may make along the way.

Welcome Back Katie,                            06 January 2019

I've really missed you and your posts here at Susan's. I'm very happy that things have turned positive for you and your wife.

I wish you both a Blessed and Healthy New Year and Every Year Thereafter.

Looking forward to seeing and reading more of your posts. I still think you pass 100%.

God Bless you, your wife and family. Take good care my friends and stay warm.

Best Always, Love
Chris

[Jenny1969]

Katie

I'm glad your and your wifes medical issues are in check. That's a big deal on a lot of fronts, mentally and financially. Its great that you chose to share your journey her with all of us. I cant really offer any substantial advice as I myself just started my transition. As for "passing" I dont really care what others think of my ability to "pass"  When I am dressed as me, female, I am comfortable. For the first time in many many years I am comfortable in my own skin, I am happy, I am carrying myself more confidently. I am finally me........so who cares what everyone else thinks.......I'm finally free of my charade. So my suggestion to you is go out and be YOU!!!   Pass or no Pass its what makes you feel right. I hope I am making sense here.

[Katie Ellen]

Hi everyone,

I had a therapy session last Thursday, just before the site went down. I was thinking that posting some of my thoughts from my sessions would be a good way for me to keep track of how each session went and what was discussed. I tend to bounce around on subjects sometimes, so maybe this will help me stay better focused.

I think the main thing that came up last week was that I'm probably my own worst enemy. I tend to believe that I can only be my true self if others let me be. This could be anything from my family and friends, to my actual doctors. Including my therapist. The latter being ridiculous.

On my 1st visit I thought she'd never evaluate me to be trans (I was sure that I was). But she did. I never thought that I'd be approved for HRT. But I was. I never thought I could go out in public. Sorry, still haven't done that. Too worried of others approval.

I do wear women's clothes to my sessions, but I'm not truly presenting female. No make-up or wig. I'm also able to cover up my top with a jacket this time of year. Probably the boldest I get is wearing women's boots or shoes. I know she probably wishes that I would let go of that fear and come in at least one time fully presenting. Not for her, but for me.

So I've decided two things from this session.

1) I'm going to work on my make-up skills so that I can go fully presenting in the near future. Without looking ridiculous!

2) Not to be afraid to admit that my ultimate goal is to get GRS (zero depth). I've been afraid to admit that. Like I don't deserve to be happy. It may not be possible, but it won't even have a chance if I don't tell anyone.

Hopefully, just writing these things down, will help me pursue them. Maybe if I don't talk about these goals, some of you will question me on whether or not I'm avoiding them?

Next session in two weeks. Update then.

Wish me luck!

[christinej78]

Hi everyone,

I had a therapy session last Thursday, just before the site went down. I was thinking that posting some of my thoughts from my sessions would be a good way for me to keep track of how each session went and what was discussed. I tend to bounce around on subjects sometimes, so maybe this will help me stay better focused.

I think the main thing that came up last week was that I'm probably my own worst enemy. I tend to believe that I can only be my true self if others let me be. This could be anything from my family and friends, to my actual doctors. Including my therapist. The latter being ridiculous.

On my 1st visit I thought she'd never evaluate me to be trans (I was sure that I was). But she did. I never thought that I'd be approved for HRT. But I was. I never thought I could go out in public. Sorry, still haven't done that. Too worried of others approval.

I do wear women's clothes to my sessions, but I'm not truly presenting female. No make-up or wig. I'm also able to cover up my top with a jacket this time of year. Probably the boldest I get is wearing women's boots or shoes. I know she probably wishes that I would let go of that fear and come in at least one time fully presenting. Not for her, but for me.

So I've decided two things from this session.

1) I'm going to work on my make-up skills so that I can go fully presenting in the near future. Without looking ridiculous!

2) Not to be afraid to admit that my ultimate goal is to get GRS (zero depth). I've been afraid to admit that. Like I don't deserve to be happy. It may not be possible, but it won't even have a chance if I don't tell anyone.

Hopefully, just writing these things down, will help me pursue them. Maybe if I don't talk about these goals, some of you will question me on whether or not I'm avoiding them?

Next session in two weeks. Update then.

Wish me luck!

Hi Katie,                                   15 January 2019

Happy New Year and it's great to see you. WOW, you look terrific in your new avatar. I am envious.

I don't think I have an answer on how to go about this transition business as I don't have much experience and medically, I haven't been at it a full year. All I can do is relate my experiences.

I have been fully wearing women's clothing for 7 years. Granted I haven't ventured wearing a dress but everything else is 100% female. I wear a lot of pink, I get lots of positive comments from women. I am enjoying it and I have commented to Dena that I think I am enjoying transition too much. I do not wear dull colors, I go for the bright female colors and I love it.

I do not care what anyone else, other than Dena, thinks. I am enjoying life, which we all have a right to do and to be happy, which we have an obligation to be. I gave up a long time ago worrying about what others think. I can't control what they think and as long as I'm not harming someone else, it's no ones business what I do.

I'm here in the Fort Worth / Dallas Metroplex, noted by some as the Bible Belt and Redneck territory, which I think is overblown. I have not encountered a single issue or problem in all this time. I out myself to almost everyone I have a conversation with. No problems and a lot of congratulations, especially from women.

Katie, you are a success and are a beautiful Woman and Lady.

Tell your wife I said hello and wish her the best.

God Bless you both, your family and friends.

Thank you for your friendship.

Keep warm.

Best Always, Love
Christine 

[Katie Ellen]

Chris - You are too kind!

[KathyLauren]

Katie, it sounds like you are getting some good self-awareness from your therapy sessions.  That is great: it is what therapy is all about.

Don't be afraid to push the boundaries of your comfort zone a little bit.  Making big changes all at once is scary so we back away from them.  But not making changes reinforces the status quo.  So aim for little changes, just a tad farther than you are comfortable with.

I started out going to my therapy sessions in full male mode.  I gradually worked up through androgynous fem-ish male to full femme.  Support groups offer a similar safe space to try out your presentation and work on your self-confidence.

Don't be afraid to share your new awarenesses with your therapist on your next session.  That will give tham a better idea of your thought processes and what kind of internal progress you are making.

[Faith]

Katie, I'm glad to see you with your own topic. Now you can inspire others with your progress.

Pushing the boundaries of comfort can be a big help. Once you push forward and settle back a little, that's the new normal. Time to push forward a little further. I look forward to reading more.

Kathy ... why is it that no matter when I log on or what I want to post, you're already there using my words??

[KathyLauren]

Kathy ... why is it that no matter when I log on or what I want to post, you're already there using my words??

Great minds think alike?   

[Katie Ellen]

Had to cancel my therapy session for today due to a snow storm. I drive 50 miles one way to it, so it would have been a long, slow, nail biter! Not the end of the world. I'm doing OK, just a little disappointed.

Living in the mid-west US can really suck sometimes. It's been a pretty mild winter up until last week. Thursday evening we had ice that formed from rain during the day, and I slipped and fell on my down slopping driveway that was covered with black ice. Back has been pretty sore ever since. I'm sure it's just a muscle, but you don't recover as fast when you're older.

Now this snow and bitter cold to follow. Oh well. Glad I'm retired!

[AnneK]

I haven't really noticed a lot of physical changes so far. I just turned 69 at Christmas, so I had kind of accepted the fact that I had just waited too long to get started. I have seen a reduction in body hair and slowly have developed breast buds which pretty much hurt daily.

I'm 65 and should be starting on Estradiol shortly.  I'm also wondering about the changes to expect at my age.  However, I don't have a therapist.  I just told my doctor I wanted hormones and was given a referral to an endocrinologist.  In Ontario, where I live, hormones are on informed consent.

[christinej78]

Had to cancel my therapy session for today due to a snow storm. I drive 50 miles one way to it, so it would have been a long, slow, nail biter! Not the end of the world. I'm doing OK, just a little disappointed.

Living in the mid-west US can really suck sometimes. It's been a pretty mild winter up until last week. Thursday evening we had ice that formed from rain during the day, and I slipped and fell on my down slopping driveway that was covered with black ice. Back has been pretty sore ever since. I'm sure it's just a muscle, but you don't recover as fast when you're older.

Now this snow and bitter cold to follow. Oh well. Glad I'm retired!

Hi Katie,                       28 January 2019

Sorry you had the "slip-on" with the black ice; that stuff is sneaky and dangerous. If Your back isn't better in a couple of days, you might want to head for the ER for a quick check. I lived in Ohio, Akron and Cuyahoga Falls, for many years. The only place I like to see snow is on mountains and in pictures. I hope when I get to Phoenix I never have to experience it again except in the aforementioned places.

Take care of yourself, tell your wife I said hello. Wishing you both a Happy and Healthy everyday.

Best Always, Love Always
Christine

[Katie Ellen]

So a little bit of an odd feeling yesterday.

My regular GP, who is part of my HRT team, is on maternity leave. I decided to go and have my back looked at just to make sure it wasn't anything more than a muscle bruise or strain (I recently fell on the ice). The doctor who is handling her patients in her absence was able to see me. I've seen her once before, but it was for my kidney stone and I didn't discuss anything about my dysphoria. She is very nice and my gender issues are clearly written on my records.

Anyway, there was a student doctor (this is a a major university) who was working with this doctor yesterday. He was very nice. They had him do an exam of my back before the regular doctor would come in, I guess to compare his opinion to hers.

He asked me if I felt comfortable taking off my shirt for him to examine my back. Now, I present totally male and I guess I'm just so used to it, I didn't hesitate to say it was OK. He worked mostly on my back and was very professional. As he left the room to discuss his diagnosis with the regular doctor, he said I could drape my shirt over my shoulders if it made me feel more comfortable.

That's when it hit me. I have very small breasts, if any at all, but my nipples are becoming noticeably larger and protrude somewhat. I see them everyday, so changes aren't as obvious to me.

A few minutes later he came back in with the doctor. She did the same exam, plus some additional tests. As she was discussing with me her findings, I realized that I indeed felt a little uncomfortable standing there with no shirt.

They are doctors, so it doesn't really bother me. I just want to feel better.

But I think I really need to realize that things are changing and understand that I'll be treated differently then I've been used to! It actually made me smile afterwards.

[christinej78]

So a little bit of an odd feeling yesterday.

My regular GP, who is part of my HRT team, is on maternity leave. I decided to go and have my back looked at just to make sure it wasn't anything more than a muscle bruise or strain (I recently fell on the ice). The doctor who is handling her patients in her absence was able to see me. I've seen her once before, but it was for my kidney stone and I didn't discuss anything about my dysphoria. She is very nice and my gender issues are clearly written on my records.

Anyway, there was a student doctor (this is a a major university) who was working with this doctor yesterday. He was very nice. They had him do an exam of my back before the regular doctor would come in, I guess to compare his opinion to hers.

He asked me if I felt comfortable taking off my shirt for him to examine my back. Now, I present totally male and I guess I'm just so used to it, I didn't hesitate to say it was OK. He worked mostly on my back and was very professional. As he left the room to discuss his diagnosis with the regular doctor, he said I could drape my shirt over my shoulders if it made me feel more comfortable.

That's when it hit me. I have very small breasts, if any at all, but my nipples are becoming noticeably larger and protrude somewhat. I see them everyday, so changes aren't as obvious to me.

A few minutes later he came back in with the doctor. She did the same exam, plus some additional tests. As she was discussing with me her findings, I realized that I indeed felt a little uncomfortable standing there with no shirt.

They are doctors, so it doesn't really bother me. I just want to feel better.

But I think I really need to realize that things are changing and understand that I'll be treated differently then I've been used to! It actually made me smile afterwards.

Hi Katie,                  30 January 2019

That a Girl; smiles work two ways, one for them and one for you. I'm probably a bit different, ok, a lot different than most. Having been a nudist I could walk down the street "neked" and it wouldn't bother me; can't say the same for anyone else that might happen by. I'm proud of what little I have up and down so I'm not shy about anyone in the medical environment seeing me.

On 04 June 2018 I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy. When they took me to the make ready room, they handed me a gown of sorts, you know the one that leaves the backside completely open for viewing. I told the nurse I wasn't going to wear that thing. I said I am a nudist and I don't need it so I walked out "neked" as when born, just a bit larger. She made me wrap the thing around my bottom half until I got to my draped off stall. As soon as I got there I ditched it and climbed onto the bed/gurney. She was kind enough to bring me a pile of heated blankets which I appreciated. I don't like being cold, a problem nudists sometimes encounter.

How's your back? I'm assuming it's fine. I'm glad you went to the Doctor for a checkup, which also seems to have been a double affirming visit.

Please take care of yourself my friend. Stay warm; I think they may have moved Southlake to somewhere north of where I remember it being when I moved here 40 years ago; It is cold. Hmm, maybe I should put some clothes on.

Best Always, Love
Chris