Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and the links!
On to part 2 of my intro!
It's been 6 weeks since that moment of peace and clarity about being transgender, and acknowledging that Jessica was no longer a part of myself that I could or would continue to bury. But how to begin?
First step - find a therapist. Easy enough to do through my healthcare provider. Went into his office for the first session and pretty much said "Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm transgender, and I need help". The key takeaway was realizing that there was only one major hurdle to cross before I could move forward, and that was telling my wife that I'm trans.
So, step two, which I did a few days later, was to tell my wife. It was probably the most difficult thing I've done in my entire life. It went about as well as I could have hoped. It helped a lot to keep reminding myself that the moment was about her, not me. I've had 35 years to come to terms with this, but for her it came out of nowhere. So lots of just quietly waiting, letting her process what she was hearing and answering her questions as they arose.
The two weeks or so after that were pretty rocky, but she's become extremely supportive of what I'm doing. It's still a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for both of us, and we're taking it day by day. I know I still need to give her time and space to process what's happening. Will our marriage survive? Impossible to know at this stage, but right now I'm feeling optimistic that it will.
And now there is so, so much to do to bring Jessica to life in the world. It's both daunting and exhilarating!
The major question in front of me is if/when to start HRT. At a deep, gut level I know that's what I want, but that doesn't alleviate the fear. And the logical part of my mind says that I should spend some time in the real world as Jessica before I make that commitment. There are some practical considerations as well. I've read that it's better to be at a healthy body weight before starting HRT. I've already cleaned up my diet and I'm dropping about 1.5 pounds per week. At that rate it will be about 4 months before my weight is back in the healthy range. I don't know if I want to wait that long though - at 47 years old I already feel like I've lost so much time. Maybe starting T blockers now and E later would make sense. I'd welcome input from my sisters here on that.
So for now I'm focusing on other practical matters, both big and small, to get Jessica out into the world.
I've starting building up a basic wardrobe. Started online, but now I'm mostly doing my shopping in the real world so I can try things on in the stores. That took some adjustment but it's starting to feel more natural. And shopping for clothes is 10x more fun than it was in guy mode! I've discovered that thrift stores are my best friends for experimenting with different looks to see what works for me.
Most days now when I leave the house it's in my girl clothes. They're casual and somewhat androgynous so I don't think anyone notices, but to me it still feels great! With every new piece of clothing I buy and each old one that goes on the GoodWill pile I feel like I'm molting
Learning to do my nails. Clear on fingernails for now while they grow out a bit, purple on my toes
Got my eyebrows threaded and tinted. Shaved most of my body hair off - thankfully there isn't much aside from my legs. Found an asthetician who's helped me setup a skin care routine, and have treatments scheduled to see if we can start to repair some of the damage I've done to my skin via neglect. I also have a few appointments scheduled to talk to some local laser and electrolysis providers to get that process rolling.
Have two other big appointments scheduled. One is with a wig specialist to help me pick something that works well with my face while my own hair grows out. The second is with a local makeup artist who's going to give me a few lessons to help me get started. For some reason I find makeup to be one of the most intimidating aspects of the whole transition process. I'm starting at square one.
The goal of all this is to be able to start going out for evening dates with my wife as Jessica in full femm mode - wig, makeup, dress, accessories, etc so I can see how that feels. I think I'll be at that point in a couple of weeks, and I can hardly wait!
If that goes well, then the process starts of coming out to close friends and family and presenting as Jessica full time.
Feeling fantastic about where I am right now and having fun, although still overwhelmed at times. And I also know that this is just the beginning.
I think that's enough of a wall of text for one day. Thanks again all for reading!
-Jessica
