Hello from Jessica

[Jessica_A]

Hello!

Jessica here, making my first post.

My story is pretty typical in a lot of ways I think. I started to realize that I didn't feel like "one of the boys" at around age 12, although in hindsight there were some signs before that. Started stealing clothes and cross-dressing at age 15. This was back in the 80s, living in a small, rural, everything-phobic town. There was near zero percent chance of understanding what was happening with me in that time in place. So I lived with it as best I could, dressing when I knew it was safe, and battling with varying degrees of depression. Pursuits of the mind became my refuge - reading, playing games, teaching myself how to program computers.

Fast forward to my 20s. Finished college, moved to San Francisco to begin my career. The public Internet was starting to take shape, which opened easy opportunities to buy stuff online to fulfill my cross-dressing habits. Such a happy day when I got my silicone breast-forms in the mail!  In an open place like SF and within the cover of the goth subculture, it was possible to partially express my feminine self publicly while maintaining plausible deniability.

I was also reading what I could find about transexualism (what it was usually called at the time) on the Internet. That provided a big leap forward in understanding myself. I knew I wanted a female body. I'd always tried to see myself as female every time I looked in the mirror. It helped that I have a rather androgynous body and face. I can only imagine how much worse my dysphoria would have been if I had more masculine features.

Still, not everything I read about transsexualism resonated with me. There were so few examples of what success looks like at the time. I didn't see an end-game that seemed right to me.

I broached the idea of experimenting with gender play (well, mostly me playing as female) with my long-time girlfriend. She was open to it and it was exciting and rewarding to both of us at first. Over time she came to understand that it was more than play for me; it was a fundamental part of who I am. That wasn't what she wanted and moved on.

So with the loss of my GF weighing on me, and no clear idea of how to move forward with any sort of transition to living as a woman, I decided to bury that side of myself, and purged. Ironically and sadly, not long after that I found a therapist to work with on other problems I was having in my life, but I chose not to raise the issue of my hidden self. I was ashamed, and I sold myself the narrative that once I solved my other problems that part of me would fade away. Of course that didn't happen, but I did manage to repress it for a very long time.

A few years later I met the woman who would eventually become, and still is, my wife.

Fast forward around 20 years. I'm 47 now. My wife and I have both achieved enough success in our careers that we are now semi-retired. In many ways those 20 years have been amazing and wonderful. But over time with so much focus on career, I'd become more and more removed from the larger world. Hobbies devolved into addictions. I now understand that I was surviving with high-functioning depression, and have been for most of my adult life.

Over the last 18 months or so, the house of cards I'd constructed for myself has slowly been coming undone, for several reasons. Discovering newer material on ->-bleeped-<- and in particular non-binary identities gave me the language to fully describe and understand myself in ways that I couldn't 20 years ago. Seeing heroic depictions of trans folks in the media helped me form a vision of what my life could be if I fully expressed myself (Nomi from Sense8 in particular - I can't even count the number of times I've quietly wept watching that show.) The house of cards finally and completely imploded in November when I read Mia Voilet's book "Yes, You Are Trans Enough."

For the first time ever after reading that book, I've felt fully at peace knowing what I am.

A lot has happened in the 6 weeks since then. I'll save that for a follow up post. Spoiler alert - it's all been good.

Thanks all for reading, and I'm excited to become part of the community here!

-Jessica

[Jessica]

Hi Jessica  🙋‍♀️ (Love your name) Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica too!
I am so glad you've found us, many here share your experience of the house of cards we can construct.
I too am in the SF Bay Area, fairly accepting place it is...

I see you're new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.


Hugs and smiles from another California girl

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[V M]

Hi Jessica 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Northern Star Girl]

@Jessica_A   
Dear Jessica:
    I am happy to see that you had signed up as a member of Susan's Place and that you have now posted in the Forums. 

    As you post here you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you mentioned in your interesting introduction post.

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.

    I see that our lovely member and California Girl  @Jessica  has already Officially Welcomed you.
Please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that  Jessica   included below her Welcome Message to you yesterday.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Jessica_A]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and the links!

On to part 2 of my intro!

It's been 6 weeks since that moment of peace and clarity about being transgender, and acknowledging that Jessica was no longer a part of myself that I could or would continue to bury. But how to begin?

First step - find a therapist. Easy enough to do through my healthcare provider. Went into his office for the first session and pretty much said "Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm transgender, and I need help". The key takeaway was realizing that there was only one major hurdle to cross before I could move forward, and that was telling my wife that I'm trans.

So, step two, which I did a few days later, was to tell my wife. It was probably the most difficult thing I've done in my entire life. It went about as well as I could have hoped. It helped a lot to keep reminding myself that the moment was about her, not me. I've had 35 years to come to terms with this, but for her it came out of nowhere. So lots of just quietly waiting, letting her process what she was hearing and answering her questions as they arose.

The two weeks or so after that were pretty rocky, but she's become extremely supportive of what I'm doing. It's still a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for both of us, and we're taking it day by day. I know I still need to give her time and space to process what's happening. Will our marriage survive? Impossible to know at this stage, but right now I'm feeling optimistic that it will.

And now there is so, so much to do to bring Jessica to life in the world. It's both daunting and exhilarating!

The major question in front of me is if/when to start HRT. At a deep, gut level I know that's what I want, but that doesn't alleviate the fear. And the logical part of my mind says that I should spend some time in the real world as Jessica before I make that commitment. There are some practical considerations as well. I've read that it's better to be at a healthy body weight before starting HRT. I've already cleaned up my diet and I'm dropping about 1.5 pounds per week. At that rate it will be about 4 months before my weight is back in the healthy range. I don't know if I want to wait that long though - at 47 years old I already feel like I've lost so much time. Maybe starting T blockers now and E later would make sense. I'd welcome input from my sisters here on that.

So for now I'm focusing on other practical matters, both big and small, to get Jessica out into the world.

I've starting building up a basic wardrobe. Started online, but now I'm mostly doing my shopping in the real world so I can try things on in the stores. That took some adjustment but it's starting to feel more natural. And shopping for clothes is 10x more fun than it was in guy mode!  I've discovered that thrift stores are my best friends for experimenting with different looks to see what works for me.

Most days now when I leave the house it's in my girl clothes. They're casual and somewhat androgynous so I don't think anyone notices, but to me it still feels great! With every new piece of clothing I buy and each old one that goes on the GoodWill pile I feel like I'm molting

Learning to do my nails. Clear on fingernails for now while they grow out a bit, purple on my toes Got my eyebrows threaded and tinted. Shaved most of my body hair off - thankfully there isn't much aside from my legs. Found an asthetician who's helped me setup a skin care routine, and have treatments scheduled to see if we can start to repair some of the damage I've done to my skin via neglect. I also have a few appointments scheduled to talk to some local laser and electrolysis providers to get that process rolling.

Have two other big appointments scheduled. One is with a wig specialist to help me pick something that works well with my face while my own hair grows out. The second is with a local makeup artist who's going to give me a few lessons to help me get started. For some reason I find makeup to be one of the most intimidating aspects of the whole transition process. I'm starting at square one.

The goal of all this is to be able to start going out for evening dates with my wife as Jessica in full femm mode - wig, makeup, dress, accessories, etc so I can see how that feels. I think I'll be at that point in a couple of weeks, and I can hardly wait!

If that goes well, then the process starts of coming out to close friends and family and presenting as Jessica full time.

Feeling fantastic about where I am right now and having fun, although still overwhelmed at times.  And I also know that this is just the beginning.

I think that's enough of a wall of text for one day. Thanks again all for reading!

-Jessica

[Zoey421]

Hi Jessica, wow, so much done in so little time. Congratulations. I hear similar strains in your story that I found in mine. At 54 years of age, I came to accept my feminine side and admit I'm transgender. I can relate to your comments about thrift shops and that shopping is so much fun ... but I also need to beware of that because it is SO FUN! I have shopped in retail and second-hand stores with success.

I have told my family, including my 20y son and 15y daughter. Unfortunately, my wife, while happy that I came to accept myself and wondering why did it take so long, doesn't see herself living with a transgender woman. It is not what she signed up for. I understand that and separating is difficult with coming out on top of that. But, I will manage. Our kids have asked good questions about presentation (are you going to dress as a Drag Queen - Answer = NO) and are you going to surgically or medically alter my body (Answer = maybe, not in the near future). I love them dearly and they seem supportive, yet cautious, for now.

All of the people on Susan's Place have been incredibly supportive. This has been a place to diarize my story and to receive support from my new friends. It's has been fantastic and I hope you find the same.

Hugs Zoey

[KimOct]

Hi Jessica - Welcome and I am glad you are here.  You are very excited about starting this journey and that is great !!
It feels good to start being honest with yourself and the rest of the world.   I transitioned nearly 3 years ago and I had everything planned out as a to - do list. 

Most of it was accomplished - some not the way I envisioned and some not at all but today I live full time as an openly transgender woman. My name, driver's license, birth certificate etc etc.  I have been on HRT for 2 1/2 yrs and had an orchiectomy in June 2017.

I think you have a good plan and are starting out the right way.  Regarding your wife I was happy to see you are keeping her feelings in mind - this is a lot to throw at her but so many people stay silent and hide the truth - it usually doesn't work well in the long run.

Also starting electrolysis is very positive - it takes FOREVER.  I have done 80 hours and could use more.

The one thing  I want to close with is to say even with all the planning and thought I promise this journey will be different than you think.  In some ways even better and in some ways harder.  If you ever have doubts about your therapist - find a new one.  The right one for YOU is very important.

Congratulations on finding the courage and good luck on your journey.  I wish you much happiness.

And as I always say - The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself.  - Learn to love YOU.