Not sure what I even want out of life anymore

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Lately I've been feeling kind of off. I have an excellent career, I have a house, I'm starting to get into political activism, and I'm starting to be more social with the wider lgbt community. But lately I've sort of been wondering what exactly I want out of life. I'm a PhD level scientist, and I am currently working on what could be a really big and cool project. This is what I've wanted since I was a kid. Part of me wants to just get rid of it all and start over new somewhere else. But what would I do? I'd have to do a complete career change.

I think part of this stems from the fact that I started transitioning at 34 so I feel like I never really got a chance to be young. I know that it's common for trans people to change everything once they've finished transitioning, and maybe that's what that is. I hope this isn't a mid life crisis because I am not in any way ready to accept that I am at mid life, I'm only 36 and the women in my family all live to their late 90s.

I don't even really know what I'm asking,  an anybody out there relate?

[Northern Star Girl]

@AnamethatstartswithE
I also started transitioning when I was 34.... and had many of the very same feelings and similar situations that you stated about yourself.
Right out of college with my MBA and also a degree in Mathematics I went right into an executive accounting position with a mid-size company.  I had some of the same obligations as you with a house and a promising career.

Decisions about one's future life plans follow no set pattern and it is you that has to continue to ponder your personal and career situation and try to come up with positive decisions and actions that that will not sabotage your overall goals of having a satisfying career that you have worked hard and long for... and a gratifying life plan that will fit into your vision of where you are going in your transition journey as you head for your final goals.

I know that you have visited my personal threads so you already know my story and how I got to where I am now.  I also am aware that many transitioners can not do it like I did for a variety of good reasons...  but you have your own unique situation that obviously requires your own unique life decisions.

I am wishing you well in you formulating your plans that will allow you to reach your desired goals.
I will be eagerly following your future postings around the various threads to keep up to date with your life endeavors.

I am one of your biggest fans and I am definitely rooting for you.
Hugs and more Hugs,
Danielle

[ChrissyRyan]

Well, before you become a model with your good looks, or anything else, do settle in as a woman in your profession and work on your exciting project.   If this and other projects are unsatisfying or for you to just broaden your horizons, consider consulting a life coach, and otherwise explore what is out there. 


Sonny Curtis in his "Love is All Around"  (the Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song, starting in season 2)  states,

"Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can never tell, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can never tell, why don't you take it
You might just make it after all
You might just make it after all"


I think that you are going to make it, whatever you do.
-Chrissy

[Jeal]

Hi E

I am starting transition in my forties, but in my mid thirties I went through a similar experience. For me I was able to figure out how to make my job interesting by focusing on things about it I cared about. I became a bit of a Maverick. It paid off for me. I am starting to get recognition and really love my job and the fact that I contribute something unique and do it my way.

I also hear you on those missing teen years. I feel that vicerally.  Growing up is an exploration, and we missed that whole boat. I often say to those close to me that I am a teenager again, so be patient with me.

In a way, we have a great opportunity. We get to experience some of the excitement of those years with the perspective of a mature adult. That's what I try to think anyway, it makes me feel better!

Best of luck, I hope to find out how it works out for you.

[Ann W]

I don't even really know what I'm asking,  an anybody out there relate?

Somewhat. I'm alive after nearly 60 years of walking around in a dysphoric fog and I'm desperate to live, live, live. I'm just not sure what to do!

"Who can turn the world on with her smile?

I love this song. Sometimes I sing it to myself.

[Cindy]

@AnamethatstartswithE

I have had the privilege of supervising several PhD students and I transitioned during the supervision of my last three.
Firstly - congratulations Honey. Doing a PhD is a pretty awesome achievement and doing one when you are transitioning deserves a pretty massive hug. Big Hug.

It is perfectly normal that during a PhD that the student feels like - giving up. Changing direction. Taking up high risk sports such as BASE jumping, taking up a musical instrument (Tuba), drinking, smoking dope, completing their friends PhD, finishing off various Hons Projects, not writing papers, not writing grants, ignoring the supervisor, being pretty damn sure that the supervisor's PhD was on such a simple project that they never needed to study - in fact just about anything but doing their PhD (Some of the comments are flippant).

I would caution, as I did with my students to just take it easy. Continue, maybe take a break, maybe take up meditation, maybe help me supervise a student, maybe help me with some teaching, maybe come around on a Saturday afternoon or morning or whatever and help me with some gardening or maybe take a bush walk.

The key always was to allow you - the student to clear the mind, help distract from the whole thing and realise that there is fun and stuff and... stuff.

I would really caution against stopping and giving up for a new direction - just at the moment. I would suggest finishing this direction first.

Oh and I started my PhD when I was 36 and received it at 40. I wanted to give up from day 2.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

@AnamethatstartswithE

I have had the privilege of supervising several PhD students and I transitioned during the supervision of my last three.
Firstly - congratulations Honey. Doing a PhD is a pretty awesome achievement and doing one when you are transitioning deserves a pretty massive hug. Big Hug.

It is perfectly normal that during a PhD that the student feels like - giving up. Changing direction. Taking up high risk sports such as BASE jumping, taking up a musical instrument (Tuba), drinking, smoking dope, completing their friends PhD, finishing off various Hons Projects, not writing papers, not writing grants, ignoring the supervisor, being pretty damn sure that the supervisor's PhD was on such a simple project that they never needed to study - in fact just about anything but doing their PhD (Some of the comments are flippant).

I would caution, as I did with my students to just take it easy. Continue, maybe take a break, maybe take up meditation, maybe help me supervise a student, maybe help me with some teaching, maybe come around on a Saturday afternoon or morning or whatever and help me with some gardening or maybe take a bush walk.

The key always was to allow you - the student to clear the mind, help distract from the whole thing and realise that there is fun and stuff and... stuff.

I would really caution against stopping and giving up for a new direction - just at the moment. I would suggest finishing this direction first.

Oh and I started my PhD when I was 36 and received it at 40. I wanted to give up from day 2.

Thank you Cindy. I should clarify that I finished my PhD over 7 years ago, I'm actually in a permanent staff position now. That's part of the issue, these jobs are very difficult to get, so it's not like I can come and go as I please.

[KathyLauren]

I am in a different position, but I can still relate. 

I was already retired before I started transitioning, so I don't have to think about "what I want to be when I grow up."  I was in IT, and I was good at what I did.  I would do all kinds of techy-projects at home, and loved to tinker on hardware projects with a soldering iron or write fancy software.

Transition basically pulled the plug on that interest.  I can still do the stuff, but it bores me now.  I had a major hardware/software project I was working on when I started transitioning, and I dropped it for a couple of years, in spite  of the fact that it would have made my life easier, and made me more productive in my main hobby (which I still love).  I am getting back to it now, just because the need is still there and not having it done is an inconvenience.  But it is like work now.  It is not fun; it is a slog.

Transition can change our interests.  Perhaps some of the interest was really just compensation for the dysphoria, and as the dysphoria lifts, the interest declines.  Or perhaps something biochemical happens in the brain on HRT.  (Don't let the TERFs hear that one!)

Being retired now, I don't really care what it means.  I will not be looking for a new career.  My goal in life is just to enjoy being me in my remaining years.  But if I had woken up twenty years earlier, it would be a totally different story for me.  I might be looking for a new career.

Hugs.

[Colleen_definitely]

I just want what's good in life: to crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and listen to the lamentation of their women.

Of course surviving grad school would be pretty nice too.

[Jeal]

Transition can change our interests.  Perhaps some of the interest was really just compensation for the dysphoria, and as the dysphoria lifts, the interest declines.  Or perhaps something biochemical happens in the brain on HRT.  (Don't let the TERFs hear that one!)

Kathy,

This point is really valid to me.

I have noticed, just since starting social transition with no HRT, that my interests have changed.  I teach a Video Game Design program and I just can't get excited about the coding, or playing video games.  For me, video gaming was a distraction and even an addictive behavior.  Coding too, was a puzzle I could envelope myself into to stop thinking/feeling.  Now I notice after playing video games for more than 30 minutes I feel... bad.  Over stimulated, out of touch with my emotions.

I also felt like I should be good at building things, and learned how to do basic carpentry - built sheds and a green house, a couple chicken coups, some home repairs.  Now, the thought of using power tools is very meh.  I can do it.  It is a handy skill.  They are loud and I hate splinters and I'd rather hire someone else and paint, cook or sew.

In a way I am actually a better Game Design teacher now.  I used to get so wrapped up in my own ideas that I wasn't always available for the kids (I teach High School).  Now, I actually spend the whole time helping them and relating.  Maybe for you E, it is a chance to re-evaluate not the whole career, but how you approach it and what you want to bring into it.  Is there a way you can adjust projects or the role you play on research or in the teams?  Just a thought, I hope they are helpful ideas

I also really enjoyed reading Cindy's post and think it is valid for any point in our lives.  It is easy for me to get in a rut if there are not enough opportunities to play and get new experiences/sounds/sights.

[JudiBlueEyes]

I also transitioned after retirement and I had a serious and intense position that I actually loved.  But when I was home I put it all away and took a totally different direction with my diversions.  I truly had the best of both worlds.  I would look outside yourself as Cindy suggests.  Try something new and unexpected.  You appear to be comfortable enough in your work life to be able to take risks elsewhere.  Expand your horizons and your mind!   

[Kylo]

I'm kind of the opposite, I never had the career I wanted and I can see very clearly what I want right now and how to get it. But I get you on the not ready to accept mid life. My whole life up to this point was stuck in reverse gear, probably because of this damn condition. I don't feel like I'm having a mid life crisis because I want to change my direction... I feel like this is something I should have been doing at 16 but literally couldn't and have been trying to find a way out of the rat maze ever since. I haven't been able to grow up and have a normal life like everyone else. I'm surrounded at home with negativity and doomsayers and boredom and I just want out and to start over.

I guess it's true what they say... the 5 closest people to you, their personalities will reflect your life. If they're all depressive and boring, or otherwise toxic, they'll drag you down too. You'll become them. I think that's my main problem, I need to get out of that and into something I belong with.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi E,

As you mententioned what a great place to be at right now. So many options open now and the worst of transition is done & over with.
Are you considering s long term romance or starting a family? This can drive life decisions and bring much satisfaction as well.
Your life direction right now is interesting for me!

Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[Kirsteneklund7]

I'm kind of the opposite, I never had the career I wanted and I can see very clearly what I want right now and how to get it. But I get you on the not ready to accept mid life. My whole life up to this point was stuck in reverse gear, probably because of this damn condition. I don't feel like I'm having a mid life crisis because I want to change my direction... I feel like this is something I should have been doing at 16 but literally couldn't and have been trying to find a way out of the rat maze ever since. I haven't been able to grow up and have a normal life like everyone else. I'm surrounded at home with negativity and doomsayers and boredom and I just want out and to start over.

I guess it's true what they say... the 5 closest people to you, their personalities will reflect your life. If they're all depressive and boring, or otherwise toxic, they'll drag you down too. You'll become them. I think that's my main problem, I need to get out of that and into something I belong with.

At the risk of being off topic I think you are right K. It is the middle of winter and misery loves company. Time for some positive action!
Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[AnamethatstartswithE]

Hi E,

As you mententioned what a great place to be at right now. So many options open now and the worst of transition is done & over with.
Are you considering s long term romance or starting a family? This can drive life decisions and bring much satisfaction as well.
Your life direction right now is interesting for me!

Kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

In terms of romance, I haven't had a whole lot of success in that regard. According to multiple dating apps there are about 12 women looking to date women in my area, none of whom want to talk to me  . I am bi, but I'm still working through a whole lot of hang ups and fears around dating guys. I definitely have a drive to have a family, and I did preserve that possibility before starting hrt, but I worry that by the time I'm actually ready to do that I'll be too old. I'm basically a 36 year old teenager, which I think is part of my problem.

[blackcat]

I just wanted to express solidarity with the whole 14-going-on-40 crowd. 

Transitioning completely blew up my life. I'm fortunate that my career was the only thing that remained intact, and it suits me. But socially, I feel stunted.

I'm moving BACK IN WITH MY DAD because I have to pay for surgery out of pocket. And my fiance left me, and the lease on the place we had together is almost up. I feel like such a loser, and like I will never be able to stop living at home. If things weren't going so well with my job, I would probably be really depressed about this. At least I'm successful enough to almost kinda sorta break even with my medical bills in a few years while living at home.

I want a partner. I know I have so much to offer, as a person. I just have no idea how to get myself to the point of being given a chance.

I haven't done any creative writing since I started transitioning, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It was a really major part of my life. But everything I wrote was actually me wrestling dysphoria before I knew what it was. Me living the life I wanted in fantasy because it was impossible to otherwise.

Also on the subject of finally getting out and living, one of my biggest concerns with SRS is that I missed my youth. It's gone. I don't know how much time I want to spend recovering from surgery. I want to experience being physically active in the right body and building my physique, especially while I still have my 30s. So what is the best way to spend the time I have, considering I got a late start? (rhetorical question) Having the wrong body rips me up inside.

Seriously. I can't wait to awkwardly be someone's boyfriend for the first time. I am going to relish every second of the awkwardness. That is the one case of Teenage Feels I'm looking forward to.

[Cindy]

I reflected upon this post again over the weekend. I went to a Funeral on Saturday, there were about 500 plus people. It was for a friend and colleague who dropped dead at 58.
He was a fellow medical specialist and ran his Department. He had come up 'the hard way' and travelled with me as my friend and colleague as I transitioned. He protected me at times and stood up for me. He never ever let anyone get away with being slack or scientifically inaccurate but he could not abide bigotry and he would defend anyone against any such abuse.

Adele music was played about never finding someone like you. Stories were told about amusing instances in life and toasts made with a glass of his favourite wine.

He is gone.

Loved ones grieve and medical teams search for a replacement.

A half rebuilt Kawasaki 900 sits in a garage. A barrel of fine malt whiskey remains to be bottled. An overseas trip awaits .... and grandchildren are unborn.

He is dead.

Your dreams, your hopes, your ambitions are meaningless when you are dead.

Live for now and push yourself to enjoy your present. The future is never known and the past has gone.

Take risks and forget the mundane. Many of us have suffered pasts that don't bear looking at so forget that and take life by its neck and live it.

[JanePlain]

Lately I've been feeling kind of off. I have an excellent career, I have a house, I'm starting to get into political activism, and I'm starting to be more social with the wider lgbt community. But lately I've sort of been wondering what exactly I want out of life. I'm a PhD level scientist, and I am currently working on what could be a really big and cool project. This is what I've wanted since I was a kid. Part of me wants to just get rid of it all and start over new somewhere else. But what would I do? I'd have to do a complete career change.

I think part of this stems from the fact that I started transitioning at 34 so I feel like I never really got a chance to be young. I know that it's common for trans people to change everything once they've finished transitioning, and maybe that's what that is. I hope this isn't a mid life crisis because I am not in any way ready to accept that I am at mid life, I'm only 36 and the women in my family all live to their late 90s.

I don't even really know what I'm asking,  an anybody out there relate?

Humm... This is going to probably sound pretty awful and I don't intend to say it to insult anyone whose motivations and what they are interested on changed and happened around the same time as transition but I would like to suggest that I don't think we should blame HRT or GRS for it.  Or maybe just not automatically assumed this will cause a shift from things like engineering or being a doctor to typecast gender roles for female jobs etc. 

Ok, I've retyped this 12 times trying to say this is a way that doesn't sound like I'm a total jerk.  I read this and it didn't work so.....  Let me try a different way.

A personal hero of mine is Lynn Conway a trans women who went to collage and then went to work at IBM transitioned had to fight the "This is Man's work" mentality and came out of it with kudos for being brilliant AND a woman.  I can't and probably should speak for her but she was pretty safe just being a woman but is fighting that good fight so its not like it was when she transitioned and got fired for being TS (Insert foul language about IBM)  Then just became a entry level programmer and built her way up to being one of the greats both pre and post transition.  And is brave enough to be public now about this so others don't have to be second class citizens because they are female or TS.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would like to think we can get beyond typecast roles.   Girls shouldn't be in the Army because that is only for men.  Or whatever dumb sexist stuff you want to replace that with.  I have daughters one of which went against this kind of thinking and made me very proud (if a little terrified for her safety) by going into the military and into harms way. 

I'm going out on a limb because I'm not anywhere near as far down the line as most of you but....  I think maybe (sometimes) we try to be more female then females.  Understandable but I think it can easily turn into a weird sexist thing.  Don't you think?   

On the other hand I see why drinking beer with the guys and playing video games for 39 hours straight might not be of as much interest while your in the middle of transition but I think that probably should happen to anyone male or female at some point as they mature...   At least it should (Thinking of some men I know) 

[Kirsteneklund7]

In terms of romance, I haven't had a whole lot of success in that regard. According to multiple dating apps there are about 12 women looking to date women in my area, none of whom want to talk to me  . I am bi, but I'm still working through a whole lot of hang ups and fears around dating guys. I definitely have a drive to have a family, and I did preserve that possibility before starting hrt, but I worry that by the time I'm actually ready to do that I'll be too old. I'm basically a 36 year old teenager, which I think is part of my problem.

I didnt start a family until I was 40.Now Im 50 with young ones. I have much energy and kids get me out and about. 36 is not old.
I know your fitness is high- your family lives long lives- 36 is young.
Just grab life by the proverbials!

Kirsten x.
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[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you all for the kind words.

When I first stopped being in denial back in 2015 I had a sudden urge to get another degree (I already have 3) just so I could go through the experience again, this time not in a meat-prison. My interests haven't changed per-se, I'm still into science. I guess I just feel kind of trapped. I bought the house pre-transition, and it is everything I wanted, I had been dreaming of the exact home I wanted for several years and I found it. Now part of me wants to just go back to living in a crappy apartment somewhere like I did before. (Though part of that is just fear that if things get too bad here in the US I might have to leave, and this would complicate things).

Part of my problem on the romance side is that I kind of don't know how to date. When I was still trying to be a guy my approach was to find a girl that I could marry, have a couple of kids, and that would "fix"me. I'm glad that didn't work out.

Thanks for the replies everyone, and to all of my fellow Americans, be sure to take care of yourselves. Things are rough right now, but I truly believe this is just the last gasp of a dying way of thinking.