Soooo yeah. I have been putting off introducing myself for a couple of months. My story is not as linear as a lot of the personal accounts I have read, and it was all I could do to tell my wife and therapist out loud. Writing it down is a whole new level for me so please forgive me if I wander a bit.
My name is Ricki, which is a nod to my childhood nickname. It is also short for Ericka which will be my legal name at some point in the next year. I will be 52 in February, and I am a transgender Female.
The weekend of October 13th and 14th I binge watched all three seasons of "South of Nowhere" twice. For those of you who have not seen it, it is a very cute show about small town girl moves to big city and finds out she is lesbian.
While I have enjoyed lesbian stories and "Chick Flicks" previously, something about this resonated deeply within me and I was attempting to figure out why at work on the 15th.
The thought process went something like this:
What is making this show so personal for you?It's a show about discovery and lesbians. You do like watching lesbians...Yeah but that is just because men believe if they just show up all that attention will be directed at themYou never picture yourself showing up but as one of the participants. And all of your online MORPG characters are girls, and all of your table top RPG characters are girls, soooooHoly SH!*!!!! I'm a girl!?!When you google "Holy Sh!* I'm a girl" you learn all about Gender Dysphoria, and Transgender, and the fact when you said at 16 that you were a lesbian in a man's body it was the truth. Or maybe it was me trying to get me to remember...
And the childhood memories bubbled up:
I knew when I was 5 I did not want to be a boy, and I expressed this to my mother who told me I did not have a choice. When I saw her taking medication in the morning one day, I asked her what it was for. She responded "This allows me to be a woman". Now, as an adult, I know exactly what she meant. As an almost 6 year old child who did not want to be a boy, those pills had just become the absolute "must get" in the universe. I waited for my Mom to pass out, and took 3 (yeah, I was self medicating as a pre teen. I am such a trendsetter
). I woke up the next day and much to my disappointment, "it" was still there. When my mom asked me about it, I told her I took them so I could be a girl.
Next memory - Older man in a white doctors coat, not yelling but obviously not happy, talking with my Mom, "Maybe next time just put him in a dress and take him to school." Looking in the mirror, I looked like a pirate with an eye patch on one side and a black eye on the other.
The next 45 years, being a girl never entered my conscious mind. I had this internal, almost panicky, desire to be "More manly" or "boys don't do that". My subconscious though...she was so working the system: 503 showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show doing the floor show as either Janet or Magenta. Going in Drag almost every Halloween. Almost getting my thespian letter in high school working makeup in theater.
At 15 I attempted suicide when I got caught wearing makeup and smoking some homegrown that turned out really well. Got my GED and joined the Navy at 20. The Navy calmed things down a lot. I knew where I fit, what was expected, and any deviation from that would more than likely lead to personal violence. Don't ask don't tell.
I got married, had two kids, got divorced. I remarried to my current and amazing wife, and got out of the military so I could stay in my kids lives. At this point I discovered online MMORPG's. I told people that "if I had to look at an ass for hours on end, it was going to be a girl's ass". Little did I know, my subconscious was hard a work again demanding an outlet where I could "be" a girl, to which I responded by having two more kids: there is nothing that says "I'm a guy!!!" like a pregnant wife. After that I wanted to make sure I did not have any more as I was concerned about having children after 40, and my wife's health, and only one of my children was pre planned. So I got a vasectomy.
Having kids was no longer an option to "prove" I was a man, I bought a gun, and then a motorcycle, and then I grew a beard. The time interval in between these acts was shrinking rapidly. Then Oct 15, 2018 happened. I knew I was a girl, and
I wanted shoes!!!!!!!!!I binge researched transgender/gender dysphoria and ticked off the boxes. I was able to correlate almost every major decision in my life, depression weathered, and the unexplained baseline rage I had felt my entire life to this lifelong effort to achieve the unobtainable goal to be a Man. To be fair to every therapist I had previously, they could not have known because I didn't.
I told my wife 5 days later as we had been married for 21 years and I really needed to know how she was going to take this. She took it rather well. An aunt and a few friends later things were still going well. I told my little sister (our Mom has passed) and that...that did not go so well. Turns out her brand of Christianity is "love the sinner, hate the sin". My kids, well my 3 girls as I have not spoken to my son in years, all took it in stride. The oldest girl 26, asked if she could still call me Dad, the 20 year old looked relieved that it wasn't something "serious", and the 16 year old smiled and has not said much.
My Doctor was OMG supportive and recommended me to the obgyn in the office who turned out to be a woman who looked 16. I started HRT on Nov 7, 2018. I had a blood draw today for my follow up on the 30th where I am getting the prescription for blockers. I took the "Do 3 months to see if you really want to go forward with this" option. The answer is "Yes" so I am thinking things are about to get exciting in the "Changes" category.
Estradiol is the best "antidepressent" ever. The amount of time I spend on computer games has dropped by 90%+, my libido has been cut drastically (I know this by the fact I can go for almost a full day without thinking about sex for the first time since I was 10. I was an early bloomer which was so not the norm in the '70's.)
After 10 weeks I think this feeling I am having is unadulterated happiness.
I have lost an entire shoe size (down to 8.5 Men's/9.5 women's), lost 8 lbs, and my chest aches and things are tender. I am looking forward to next week to see if I have lost any height. I have also had 6 hours of electrolysis on my beard and I have reached out to an orthodontist about braces.
Last night the wife and I went to the store and I got some girl jeans that are not "too" girly. For the record, women's sizes are a travesty of non conformity. Evidently for this cut from this designer I am a size 6. Tomorrow I am speaking with a Doctor about FFS to get some ideas and prices.
If you made it this far, thank you for your patience. To everybody who has posted before me: thank you for sharing your stories so I knew I was not alone. Having read a lot of intro's, I am not sure if I would have wanted to know my entire life, but on the other hand if I had I believe I would have transitioned much sooner. I can say that ignorance was NOT bliss.
In hindsight I am wondering if I never found my passion in life because I never really knew who I was? Maybe now I can figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Ricki
