Rae turning 40, or 14, can't tell anymore, caring less each day.

[gracefulhat]

Well let's start with the good news. That's awesome about doubling your doses, bet you'll start to see some good changes soon. Also, that's great about the Lasik even though it's not healing properly yet.
So why can't you wear makeup? Is your skin shot because of laser? Or are you having a reaction to the makeup or...? That sucks about your hubby, hoping 3 weeks fly by for you. Also sucks about the voice therapist
About the 5 pounds, do you think it's hormone related? Just asking because right now the struggle is real for me 2, having gained almost 20 pounds since starting hrt.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, it WILL get better. Call me if you want to chat, have today and this weekend off. XO

Sorry.  Sometimes I need a kick. Actually it's been a pretty good week. I got my E and my Spiro doubled! Yay!! I'm ready to start actually making progress instead of just treading water. I got Lasik last week and get to ditch my glasses so that's nice and I celebrated my birthday this weekend with my mom and mom in law without any major catastrophe ensuing.  I'm calling it my 0 birthday since I'm starting over. I can't wait to be 1.
On the downside my insurance rejected my claim for voice therapy and left me with a huge bill that even if I could pay my therapist quit so yah, my right eye isn't healing like it should, my husband is leaving me for 3 straight weeks the day after his semester ends so I won't get him into the counselor until July, I gained 5 pounds last week, my skin is shot right now and I can't wear any makeup so the mirror is a worse enemy than usual, and I don't know if I'll ever get where I'm going.  I just feel like a staggering ogre in a girly sweater with a lot more against me than going for me.
I know mostly it's in my head but if you wake up and feel like the universe is against you... the struggle is real.

[Rae321]

Stacy- thank you. I think a 0 birthday is in order for anyone starting over this extremely. Keeping the positives in mind is the hard part for sure but I'm working on it.  I'm what I would describe as impatiently terrified.  I'm scared to death of what the future looks like after second puberty but I want it to be here 20 years ago so I can see. It feels like I'm driving up on a train wreck and just can't quite see the wreckage yet in the sense that I fear it's horrible but I can't wait to see it and I'm trying to drive faster to get a better view of it. I know it will be less than my hopes and more than my fears, but I can't help but imagine the extremes in the vacuum of the present. And yeah, it's back to the internet and free tips from youtube because after getting that bill I can't afford to even look another voice coach yet.  Not even the 70 dollar a session ones. It's going to be a while. I hear the rage sentiment too, although estrogen has tempered that quite a bit.  I'm more apt now to feel a genuine emotion rather than channeling it all into anger like i used to. I hope whatever it was has passed for now and you're doing well. and yeah-you caught me.  i really was kind of waiting until i had something good to share.

[Rae321]

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.  Let me tell you something girl. As upsetting as spending 4k and still not seeing clearly out of one of my eyes is I'm not even sure if I will let them go back in to correct the one a second time. This was the most terrifying medical procedure i have ever done. When they slip your corneal surface back to do the lasering and all you can see is a field of ripply ice on glass the blinking red light you're supposed to focus on turns to a pulsing red field of horror. So here's to hoping the right eye inflamation goes down and I don't have to go back.  On the plus side my surgeon must have watched your Youtube because he checked my medication profile and pro-actively asked me about names and pronouns and was really clear about making sure I set my own boundaries and wanting to know what those were. It was really sweet, I almost cried. But i can't wear any makeup near my eyes for two weeks so rather than have raccoon eyes i'm just going natural for a while.
The husband thing-a whole story in itself. He really doesn't talk to me much about what's going on. I've tried to check in with him a couple of times and he usually thinks it's 'not a good time' to talk about it.  Our love life isn't suffering but there's no talking about that particular issue. He had me schedule him flights to go back east and visit all the nieces and nephews and come to find out his vacation begins the day before he leaves so as soon as he has time off he leaves me and there won't be a single opportunity to get him to go to the counselor before then.  He knew i wanted him to come to the counselor too so it feels a bit suspicious, plus he'll be gone right through pride which has always been kind of a big deal for us. I'm being paranoid, but I can't seem to help it. He doesn't act like he's pulling away at all bu then these strange coincidences keep popping up. Ugh. I'm sick just thinking about it. Is there such a thing a Delusional Trans Paranoia? If so I think i have it. Gaining weight isn't exactly helping but now that my wisdom teeth are healing and the TMJ is passing I can stop living on mac and cheese so that should help me feel a lot better

[Quinn]

Rae be careful with the eye surgeries right now, it is recommended not to do any until you have been on HRT for about 5 years because the hormones have the ability in some people to change their vision, sometimes not at all, sometimes better and sometimes worse.

I was reluctant to post since you already have had the surgery but figured it was better to be informed and you can look into it yourself

[Rae321]

Rae be careful with the eye surgeries right now, it is recommended not to do any until you have been on HRT for about 5 years because the hormones have the ability in some people to change their vision, sometimes not at all, sometimes better and sometimes worse.

I was reluctant to post since you already have had the surgery but figured it was better to be informed and you can look into it yourself

That is what the surgeon told me. He advised that his wife's vision got worse during pregnancy and better after due to hormonal changes and that as my hormone profile shifts my Lasik could be shorter lived than expected or not as effective as expected.  Still i had a lot of FSA money from a previous employer that I'm not very fond of, 30 days left to spend it, and not a lot of other things that would have spent it (didn't know about the speech therapists bill yet) so I went ahead with it.  We'll see how well it goes over the long haul, at least if it doesn't last I'll know I didn't let my old employer keep the money.

[gracefulhat]

Rae,
You convinced me never to get Lasik, legit. That s#it sounds like a nightmare! About the video, actually had two nurses at work say they were offended by it... I dunno. But I'm sure that felt great for them to be so kind to you to ask about pronouns and preferred name. About your hubby, you know enough about me that I certainly can't give love advice. Sending you my love and thoughts 😘

[Rae321]

Rae,
You convinced me never to get Lasik, legit. That s#it sounds like a nightmare! About the video, actually had two nurses at work say they were offended by it... I dunno. But I'm sure that felt great for them to be so kind to you to ask about pronouns and preferred name. About your hubby, you know enough about me that I certainly can't give love advice. Sending you my love and thoughts 😘

Well now you know which ones to not trust!