Rae turning 40, or 14, can't tell anymore, caring less each day.

[Rae321]

I've been watching other girls progress diaries on here and thought i should have one of my own.  The paper diary is nice but it doesn't provide the feedback that the one on Susan's does.

So it's day 14 on Spiro and day 7 on E.  Very basic super low doses that barely affect me at all physically but even at that i feel a definite difference.  Where I use to cry I now get excited, and I feel a world of possibility opening up in front of me. When I saw other women's figures i would get sad and think about how I 'should' have that. Now I wonder if I 'will' have that.  When I would think about a hypothetical (like while watching a movie) I would always try to decide what Scotty would do and it never felt natural and the choices seemed arbitrary and role filling. Now I can think of what 'I' would do and it feels much less arbitrary.  I can imagine what I would actually do and not feel hypothetical shame because it wasn't appropriate or didn't make me a 'real' man. Crying is not easier yet, but when I have cried over the last week I wasn't left with a queasy combination of distraught and emotionless afterwards.  And I didn't need to go to sleep immediately after in exhaustion. It wasn't wildly different, but it has a tangibly different quality.  More than anything I really feel like I've been reading about this breathing thing for a long time and I just took my first breath. The oxygen is setting fire to all my cells and they vibrate with a vitality that I haven't felt in a long time, if I've ever felt it at all.

I pragmatically know that this is an artificial high of suddenly taking steps to release myself and it will fade to a more even state, and maybe even a depressed one.  I also know that having only just recently come to terms with who I am inside and how much I've been hurting myself all these years that there is a lot of work and long hard road ahead.  I'm not truly prepared to take this journey, but I've never started a journey of any real value when I knew exactly what lay on the trail before me and I already know what lies up the other fork in this road.

I have already started seeing physical changes on the light side. My skin is already softer and less oily, my pores visibly decreased within days and amazingly I went from needing a shave by nightfall every day to not noticing my hair poking out until noon the next day.  I don't know if that's supposed to happen that fast (it happened around the 4th day) but these little changes create an excitement in me that's palpable. My sex drive has dropped off a little bit which is really nice and my dreams have become much more vivid (probably a temporary effect of the hormones shifting). 

I had a dream the other day that I was a woman, and I didn't even notice.  The dream was about me as a hyperactive, bouncing off the walls, journalist chasing a conspiracy theory about hidden solar systems and it was my focus.  I didn't even notice that i had been a woman until I woke up. I've dreamed I was a woman before but it was like dreaming of a lot of money.  I always noticed it right away and became so excited that it often disrupted the dream, but now it just felt natural and right.  Like 'of course I was a woman, what else would I be? A wildebeest?.'

In all reality I'm a little overwhelmed but I'm taking my toe out of the water and sticking both feet in. Please share your admonishments, warnings, advice, insights, wisdom, and thoughts here.  That's why I'm starting this thread.  Talking about myself is helpful, but I have a journal for that and this rabbit hole is really deep so I'm betting it's better with girls to discover it with and girls who've been down it further and know the traps.  This post is getting long so I'm going to stop now. More to come. <3<3<3

[KathyLauren]

Rae, I am happy for you that you are feeling "right" with your first experiences of HRT, and that you are experiencing physical changes already.  Woo-hoo!  You are on your way!

[Rachel]

Congratulations.

I am happy for you progress. Keep us informed of your progress. It is a very exciting time.

[Rae321]

Kathy, Rachel,
Thanks! It is an exciting time and it feels REALLY right. I get why people have trouble putting words to this feeling.  They don't do it justice.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Rae

I am so glad that pursuant to visiting your GP, you wisely decided to start HRT at the beginning of April. You'll remember taking your first tablet(s) and/or applying the first patch forever!

All I can do now is repeat what I stated on your thread on HRT Board on March 29th to refresh you on some of my early feelings:

I have been on HRT 14 months and after one month I recall I felt so calm and peaceful. Shortly thereafter I realized I could both cry and laugh easier and for longer periods. My aggravation diminished. My depression reduced but remains to some extent even after 14 months.

After 3/4 months I knew I was on "the right fuel" and on the transition road.

I am publicly transitioning in Summer.

I wish you happiness and success on your transition journey.

Hugs

Pamela  xx   

[Rae321]

Hello again Rae

I am so glad that pursuant to visiting your GP, you wisely decided to start HRT at the beginning of April. You'll remember taking your first tablet(s) and/or applying the first patch forever!

All I can do now is repeat what I stated on your thread on HRT Board on March 29th to refresh you on some of my early feelings:

I have been on HRT 14 months and after one month I recall I felt so calm and peaceful. Shortly thereafter I realized I could both cry and laugh easier and for longer periods. My aggravation diminished. My depression reduced but remains to some extent even after 14 months.

After 3/4 months I knew I was on "the right fuel" and on the transition road.

I am publicly transitioning in Summer.

I wish you happiness and success on your transition journey.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

It does feel kind of poetic; spring and i'm finally becoming an authentic me!   I'm hoping for a two year timeline, and preparing for 5+ year timeline, but I'm feeling more relaxed and confident than I ever have. That's awesome that you're feeling ready to go full time inside 2 years. I hope it makes your summer fantastic. <3<3

[Stacy]

You are that spring flower Rae! You seemed to not be sure of who you are in your intro, but since you have decided to do HRT, I think you know and you probably always known. While your body will slowly change, pay attention to all positive feelings about feeling more yourself. I know that it feels risky for your partner, but that's why I talk about inner feelings. Your true self should be your priority because you will be who you are all your life, feeling bad and sad cannot be what people love you, want you to feel and be, if they understand you. But I'm badly placed to talk about changing, you know it, I just share what my heart feels so take those words as you wish. I will watch you.

[Rae321]

You are that spring flower Rae! You seemed to not be sure of who you are in your intro, but since you have decided to do HRT, I think you know and you probably always known. While your body will slowly change, pay attention to all positive feelings about feeling more yourself. I know that it feels risky for your partner, but that's why I talk about inner feelings. Your true self should be your priority because you will be who you are all your life, feeling bad and sad cannot be what people love you, want you to feel and be, if they understand you. But I'm badly placed to talk about changing, you know it, I just share what my heart feels so take those words as you wish. I will watch you.

I always wanted to be the beautiful spring flower.  Thanks, now im crying.  ,;).  I feel like this is a journey i take alone and i wish we all took it together.  Though in a way i guess we do.  I feel a lot less lonely with the spirits i find here on Susan's and this place has been a big influence in realizing that im valid and i can't shut myself out forever.  Ive learned so much in less than a month it's hard to fathom.  I hope someday i get to hear your voice.  Your words mean so much. Have a hug wherever you are, sister. <3

[pamelatransuk]

It does feel kind of poetic; spring and i'm finally becoming an authentic me!   I'm hoping for a two year timeline, and preparing for 5+ year timeline, but I'm feeling more relaxed and confident than I ever have. That's awesome that you're feeling ready to go full time inside 2 years. I hope it makes your summer fantastic. <3<3

Thank you Rae for your kind words. Sending Love and best wishes.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

[Stacy]

I always wanted to be the beautiful spring flower.  Thanks, now im crying.  ,;).  I feel like this is a journey i take alone and i wish we all took it together.  Though in a way i guess we do.  I feel a lot less lonely with the spirits i find here on Susan's and this place has been a big influence in realizing that im valid and i can't shut myself out forever.  Ive learned so much in less than a month it's hard to fathom.  I hope someday i get to hear your voice.  Your words mean so much. Have a hug wherever you are, sister. <3

Crying is good when it's this way! You know, whatever your body shows, your soul is that flower, and it can be seen too, I see it in you. Of course we want everything, but we are already our true self deep inside, and this place needs no change, no fight, no proof and will always be the source of everything we really are. It's the seed of the flower we are. Of course I encourage you to bloom, to get to a happier level, to get everything you need, but I just say that I already see your true self, I see your heart. And if you want to hear my voice you will have to wait that I can transform mine correctly ahah! I hope it's possible for me, I'm just starting to try to figure out how to do it. I would be proud to show you if I can do it one day. It would change my life and you and Jeal would deserve my first female vocal "thank you". And if you wonder, I live in eastern Canada so you know where to send your hugs now! I hug you too, sister. ---<-@

[gracefulhat]

Rae you are so descriptive with your words, loving it! I'm bookmarking your page and am excited to travel with ya girl

[Rae321]

So I'm fresh from the oral surgeon where I had two impacted wisdom teeth pulled and I'm as high as a kite still.  Bear that in mind if I make no sense here.  A couple weeks in and I've never felt better about where I'm at.  I do wonder if I'm supposed to feel intoxicated from the estrogen all the time but I'm betting that I'd feel intoxicated if I were taking testosterone supplements too, just in a different and ragey way, and I'm sure it will taper off with time.  I went to my first meeting with a support group here in town (the only one) and it was... OK.  I think I basically related to one person in the room and that was the cis girl who was just there to get background for her lgbtqi class in her counseling degree. They were all great I just didn't click with any of them. To be fair how much you can get to know and connect with people in an hour and a half is pretty limited and I did get some great advice from the older girls there so I think I'll keep going for now but it wasn't the most awesome experience it could have been.  Maybe I made it into a group therapy session in my head. IDK but I haven't found where it fits in my world yet.
Process wise things are going great. My husband let me move my makeup station to the vanity in our bathroom and that was really great. My voice is coming along acceptably.  I still sound like a fem man and I really would like to sound like an actual woman but I'm very happy with my progress and understanding of the process. I bought myself some cute new boots to celebrate how good I've been feeling and that was really fun.  I get fitted for my braces next week and I have lasik in a couple weeks (not transition related but those are nice) and I get to start my laser hair removal next week!  Once that's under way the electrologist cant start attacking my salt and I can say goodbye to my beard.  Hopefully forever! My husband and I went dancing last weekend and had actual sex for the first time since coming out and it was absolutely, mind blowingly, purple faced fantastic compared to before.  It wasn't a crazy marathon, we didn't do different things, but everything about it was just different.  He was more attentive and soft and connected with me differently.  And I experienced everything differently and it was better than I ever remember it being (almost like i was on some psychotropic drug without the weirdness).  Everything he would have normally done was brand new and felt like I had never experienced it before. After I couldn't walk because my limbs were tingly jelly for an hour.  I'm not missing Ts affects at all!
This all sounds great right? I'm making good progress at the beginning, my friends are behind me, my husband is not recoiling, my happiness is high, my sex life is improved, my vision of the future is opening wider than ever, I like the changes I'm seeing so far. Then why have I spent the last 3 days riddled with self doubt? I'm terrified of the most beautiful future I've ever seen and I can't even understand why! I'm being TERF'd by a transphobic little voice in my head who doesn't make good arguments and just makes me feel ugly and bad. I had to sit down and stare at myself for 30 minutes yesterday to remember that I don't actually recognize that guy. Eventually it settled down and i could see how he's great (save for the transphobia), cute even, but his success and life aren't mine as long as I live in his skin, and my time is way overdue. He's not going to stop me from being free but I wish I knew how to shut him up.
Now I'm rambling. It's probably the norco. I'm going to go back to chewing on my cotton balls and sleep for a while. Good night new post, sleep well, I'll most likely delete you in the morning.

[gracefulhat]

Rae, super jealous of the whole sex part, just saying😁. It also sounds like you are full steam ahead. I have that pesky voice every day, actually really bad tonight, but it's BS. We've been down that road and we know the outcome.

[Stacy]

I'm so happy for you! It looks like things will go better than what you thought with your husband. I think it's normal to still be afraid and not knowing why, you are in the middle of big changes. Also, when things are going too good we may not believe it and fear that it's an illusion, especially if it's good that big. Just don't listen to those thoughts too much. When the sun is shinning on you, don't seek cover, let it be! Getting rid of beard must be awesome. I'm looking forward hearing you about how you feel it when it's done. Always have a soft skin and never have to shave anymore, just this is already wonderful. I'm almost as excited for you as if it was for me! You have a lot of good things to come.

I know you do it, but don't forget to show your happiness to your husband, it may reinforce his will to be all with you. Happiness is contagious and powerful. You are also spreading it here, and hope as a side effect. And it's ok to feel like rambling, I feel that I do it often. Don't delete anything, it only make your way more authentic and we never know how good it can do to others, I would not know you if it was not for my often weird posts.

[Rae321]

Thanks girls.  Im feeling a little better today. Though im not getting dressed and im only pretending to go to work.  I look and feel like ive been kicked in the face by a mule. Thankfully i work from home and won't have to talk on the phone until tomorrow.

  And Stacy,  if you find the time i highly recommend watching "The Princess Bride" as it is quite possibly the best and funniest romance ever filmed in the American movie market. Im not really deleting it, it's just an Easter egg in my personality.

[Charlie Nicki]

Rae! So glad things are going great for you . Looking forward to your updates.

[Stacy]

Rae! I have time, I watched the movie you said. You're right it's very funny! And familiar but I don't remember even after I watched it. It's simple and good at the same time, I like the absurd humor and the fights. And I love any medieval and castle stuff, I can't but imagine being a princess too seeing all this. It's very cliché but I don't care, it would be awesome to live it even just in a dream. I'm not into guys but the story would be easy to fix for my taste. Thank you for the fun

I hope you are still doing good. You know you can just don't care some days, you don't have to be top shape everyday if you don't feel it. I think it's rude and not realist to force girls to be fully setuped each day. Also I've alternate styles that don't seem so girly that I still love. All this don't make us less girls, we are not just dolls, we are females and all different. I'm just saying, you are ok whatever you may feel, and have the right to not care much sometimes or not be girly if you feel wanting something else.

[gracefulhat]

Where are ya girl? I need an update!!!

[Rae321]

Where are ya girl? I need an update!!!

Sorry.  Sometimes I need a kick. Actually it's been a pretty good week. I got my E and my Spiro doubled! Yay!! I'm ready to start actually making progress instead of just treading water. I got Lasik last week and get to ditch my glasses so that's nice and I celebrated my birthday this weekend with my mom and mom in law without any major catastrophe ensuing.  I'm calling it my 0 birthday since I'm starting over. I can't wait to be 1.
On the downside my insurance rejected my claim for voice therapy and left me with a huge bill that even if I could pay my therapist quit so yah, my right eye isn't healing like it should, my husband is leaving me for 3 straight weeks the day after his semester ends so I won't get him into the counselor until July, I gained 5 pounds last week, my skin is shot right now and I can't wear any makeup so the mirror is a worse enemy than usual, and I don't know if I'll ever get where I'm going.  I just feel like a staggering ogre in a girly sweater with a lot more against me than going for me.
I know mostly it's in my head but if you wake up and feel like the universe is against you... the struggle is real.

[Stacy]

I know mostly it's in my head but if you wake up and feel like the universe is against you... the struggle is real.

I wake up each morning with this feeling. I know how it is. I feel like if I've lost life's lottery: heads or tails. I almost destroyed something in rage about this today.
Just to say, you're not alone.

You had a really good idea about birthday zero, I really like it. Give you some time. Remember the positive stuff you talked about not long ago. Try to focus more on this. I'm happy anyway to have news from you, I was wondering me too how it was going for you. I'm sorry for the voice therapy bill. I'm still trying to figure it out free, but I'm still not there. I feel like you was avoiding to post until you feel better? I tend to do this myself. Anyway, I wish you the strength and courage that you need, and give you time, take this smoothly.