You know funny thing is, I used to be really anti the idea thinking it undermined that gender identity, that surely it should create massive dysphoria and be extremely difficult but that was before I actually started to question my own gender identity and realised that actually, not all dysphoria is how it's depicted in media and medical literature. It's not all wailing and anguish and not wanting to have anything to do with it and not everyone hates their female parts. For someone who's dysphoria isn't as intense, I can see how they could consider it. It's given me a whole new perspective on an issue I used to be REALLY uncomfortable with.
When I still believed myself to be Cis I had three children, at no point during that did my care ever make me feel dysphoric but then my whole life i've had a lot of gyno stuff so legs in stirrups in front of strangers is noooothing new.
I'm very very used to it.
Still, for me, I think had I worked stuff out earlier (and I am still in the process of working it out, still kinda half in denial) I think i'd have wanted to do the kid thing first before starting medical transition at all, a sort of last hurrah, a final "well lady body, let's use you for one last useful thing, get some actual purpose outta ya before we say goodbye"
I'm not sure if that's wierd but right now that's sort of how I feel about my own body. Like, I had three kids and that's amazing (I was told I couldn't have any) and I love and treasure them, but now I feel like my uterus and ovaries and all that have served their purpose. I endured them for all those years (they have NO made it easy with the constant pain and pcos) and got my babies but now they've done all I really ever needed or wanted them to do so can they just go away now?
I have no real attachment to them beyond their potential to bring life and they've done that and i'm not able to have any more (other half got the snip and i'm subfertile anyway) so you know.. see ya girls, nice knowing you (not)
But I think if i'd have begun transition it would be quite strange to then step out of my comfort zone and put that ol' "woman" costume on again. Some people can tolerate doing it but I feel like as a transman it's somehow even MORE of a sacrifice than it is as a cis woman. You aren't just giving up your body, you're giving up your identity for 9 months and sacrificing your own body image to do this.
I mean fair play to those who CAN do that but for me, I think that'd be just too much of an ask and would be a last resort after other options were explored. (We were considering the adoption process when I got miraculously pregnant with my second child, he was quite a surprise)
For those who ARE strong enough to say "you know, i'm okay with being a pregnant man and dealing with the social issues and the internal conflict" well good luck to you, it's going to be hard. Maternity services are extremely cis female centric, very very intensely female and as I learned, even fertility clinics are plastered with pictures of pregnant women and babies and use VERY gendered language. It's gonna be hard, if you've semi transitioned and present outwardly as male you're gonna get stares.
It's not something I personally could handle.
Part of me though always wanted to donate eggs, but with my cystic ovaries it's not actually safe. Which is a huge shame because there's all those eggs just going to waste and it makes me sad. I would have loved to try to donate eggs, just the once you know? Just to know i'd helped someone have a child, a sort of way to say thank you to the universe for giving me three miracles against so many odds.
I still love babies, so does my cis husband lol. We both coo over them but as I said to him the other day "it's not broodiness if I have zero desire to carry another one or have a newborn." because honestly the idea of getting pregnant again makes me feel a bit nauseous.
Even though I currently present as female, even though i'm still very much in the "not sure my gender identity completely" phase, the idea of another pregnancy makes me honestly just want to curl up and scream. *shudder*
Buuuuut that's less body dysphoria and more my last two pregnancies were massively and horribly traumatising and I still have PTSD (or so the hospital says) from the birth of my second.
Also breast feeding oh.. oh no... I didn't BF my eldest because the idea of having a baby suckle made my toes curl in horror but I was forced to with second child (oh look, another contributing factor to my trauma, they literally grabbed my breast and forced a baby upon it! It was so violating but I was to weak from blood loss to do much more than protest ineffectually) and the stubborn part of me eventually after recovery elected to breast feed on MY terms (because I didn't want my one experience of it to be this violation).
thing is, I produce a lot (and I mean a LOT) of milk, to the point I end up engorged and in agony. I swear the pain of engorgement was actually worse than labour and no pain relievers ease it.
Also the nurses are really unsympathetic and I got yelled at for sobbing in pain and begging for help because I was supposed to be "grateful I had any milk!"
Words cannot express how horrifically painful and awful engorgement was for me, it was legitimately hell and unlike labour which was 24 hours with a reward at the end, it went on for months...
I persevered purely because baby suction is way better than pump so gave me much better relief than pumping alone. Baby didn't need the milk so much as I NEEDED to be milked and ooo I hated it (gag)
When i think about pregnancy I can't help but think also of engorgement and the weeks it takes to go away if you don't touch your boobs at all which is what I had to do with my eldest who I formula fed (2... weeks... .of hideous pain and nothing helping because they won't give you medication to dry your milk up because it's "got a cancer risk". I was all I WILL TAKE THE RISK! gimmie a dang drug! but nooope. I swear they were just punishing me for not wanting to breast feed, it felt like punishment)
And that contributes to the all over full body cringe.
Of course not all people GET engorgement or produce enough milk to feed the whole damn maternity unit. But I do. it's the one "girl" thing my body is REALLY good at. (literally the ONE thing, WHY body? WHY?)
But for me it's reason enough to never ever ever ever ever want to carry another child inside my body again.
you know that and the morning sickness.
