there's something wrong with me.
straight, single, white, male, 38, ohio, aspergers, fat.mainly, i want to be the male and hetero-normative 1/2 of a married couple (at least this is what i keep telling myself). (i was married from 2001-2003, but that was dumb i was only 19. she was a cheater.)
but also, for at least since age 12, off and on, but more frequently now: i find myself being attracted to so-called "traps". when i first got the internet around age 18 i found hermaphrodites and thought that was ok since they were chicks (had vaginas but also a penis) and thus, not gay. i learned shortly after they were prosthetic cocks. but i was already hooked. i got into
>-bleeped-<s. this was mainly a porn preference, but i later started looking for real TGs online. had a few dates, but no relationship materialized. this seems to be some slippery slope. 2 years ago i started taking hormones i bought via import pharmacies. after a while i stopped. not sure why. NOW i am now finding myself considering going back on them, but permanently this time. i;ve been practicing keeping limp. i can orgasm by thought and not even get hard. can orgasm from nipple play too.
i know i will NEVER be passable. so i probably won't outwardly present as female in public. at best maybe underwear fem, but outer clothes masc.
i would NEVER find a MASCULINE person attractive.
the only dick i would/could 'take' would be from another very fem and passable MTF.
(i THINK that if i had a CIS girl wife and got regular sex i would likely abandon all this trans silliness).
used to be that after i cum, i hate myself for the perversion. "what's wrong with me? i am a MAN! i'm not a faggot!" - but now, even though those thoughts remain, it seems i don't have a choice. do i keep fighting the good fight? or do i see the writing on the wall and accept things the way they are? (like i accepted that "i will never be one of the cool kids in school, cool. move on. do your own thing.")
idfk. need some feedback.
i can NEVER come out to my family.
so i may wind up moving away and never speaking to them again.
but more likely is that i would just continue keeping it secret.
