Hi! I've joined because I've been in a pretty upset state for a couple of days. I was chatting with a very good friend, mostly about my past and somewhat about my sexuality and he brought up costumes for a halloween party that a mutual friend puts on every year. He suggested I cross dress for halloween since I enjoy buying girl stuff (not clothes, just things that are considered feminine, such a recently a string of pink hippo lights, unicorn lighter, etc, etc).
A strange feeling came on where I suddenly associated a long lifetime of choosing typically flamboyant options with cross dressing and gender identity. I realized that if I step over that line there is a strong chance I won't want to stop cross dressing, which led further to me questioning my gender.
I'm 40 years old and male at this point and in a situation where, for the first time in my life, I feel I can make my own decisions. Yes, that's pretty late in life to finally be there, but when you read my story I think you'll see how it ended up that way. I recently came out to my wife and a couple of close friends as completely bisexual.
I was adopted at birth to my parents, who were born in the early 40s in England, but moved to Ontario, Canada. As a child I was socially awkward and bullied constantly. My parents were (and still are to some degree, though age has helped them mellow) anti-gay and my dad recounted a personal "horror story" of falling for a trap at a bar so I'm certain he is and remains anti-trans. I attribute this to the time they were born into and their birth city basically being considered the hick armpit of England. I went to three schools, the first of which was rather conservative to the point of continuing religious education until the government made that illegal in public schools. I spent a few more years at a private Christian school (though not extremely so) where I was religious enough to be "chapel sacristan". My last few years of high school were spent at a public school in the country where many students were farmers or Mennonites. During that time I was an altar boy. Once I finished high school I quit the church and have been Agnostic ever since. This experience meant my education had very limited space for even lesbian/gay issues, and transsexualism was absolute not discussed.
I was never much into toys intended for boys as a child and stuck to generic things like legos. I was fortunate enough to get a computer at 5 (which was a rare feat for a kid in 1983) and was instantly hooked, to the point where IT has been (mostly) my career ever since. The one toy preference that I've kept into adulthood is stuffed toys. I have what most people would consider an impressive number of them and was embarrassed to admit to it until a few years ago when the wife basically took me shopping for some as a bit of shock therapy, I suppose. When I was a child my parents decided at some point (i'm guessing around age 10?) that stuffed toys were inappropriate for boys and had forced me to get rid of them.
In school my friends were typically either people with mental health problems, boys who would be considered 'emotional', girls, or guys who I much later found out to be in the closet. In fact later on in high school a very good friend made what, 20 year years later, I realized was multiple passes to the point that I never realized just how dull I was sexually to miss them (we even watched porn tapes in his locked bedroom at one point---that hard of a pass). He came out in college. I do regret not realizing my sexuality back then and no having taken advantage of the opportunity. I hated phys ed class and always felt incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed in the locker room.
I lived with my parents until age 27. At that point a woman, who is now my wife, offered to split an apartment with me. The relationship was intended to be purely business, however, after two or so months she made a pass on me to the point I actually noticed it. Years later she told me she spent a month sending out signals and wondered if I was just gay or sexually dead or what. She basically grabbed my arm and said "mind if I hug you?" That's what it took. I just about burst with mixed emotions at the time feeling happy that someone actually wanted me but also feeling undeserving at the same time. We had sex after a few months of relationship, the first time ever in my life. It didn't go well because the same mixed emotions came over me and it took multiple tries for me to get to the point of actually letting go of the undeserving feelings to make it work. I've also had a phobia about being touched ever since puberty which made things awkward, but she worked around it and realized it would probably never be a very physical relationship, but more emotional. This year I finally managed to rid myself of that phobia at the same time as coming out of the closet, and that's been great.
Well, we married about 3 years later and had a girl a year after that. I have come to find my wife is rather masculine in what she likes to do and her appearance and always wants to be part of any activities that would normally be socially reserved for men. She's also bisexual and has pushed to go to strip clubs with me and even had my try to buy her a lap dance (the club refused as a matter of policy---quite embarrassing, but whatever, I rarely go to such clubs anyways). I asked her if she ever considered transitioning and told her I would love her and remain her husband no matter what her answer was and she said no, she was happy as she is. She also told me, and has recently stressed, that she feels equally if I had the same feelings.
Frankly, coming out to her was easy and she reminded me that for the past 10 years there's been such obvious tells she already knew. She did ask if I was coming out because I wanted to date men, and I told her no, I was coming out because my wife deserves to know things like this, but that if she ever widowed me I would probably date men as I haven't explored that side of me except through porn and some personal alone time activities.
As an aside, I was diagnosed officially with major depressive disorder with anxiety issues more than 2 years ago and that diagnosis came pretty late since I hardly ever go to see a doctor. I've likely had depression issues ever since school. The only reason I decided to seek a diagnosis was because my depression got bad enough it was making life unmanageable and my stress was being transferred to my daughter. My wife basically told me I absolutely have to do something. She has had depression issues most of her life and wanted me to seek therapy/medication to treat my issues. I took SSRIs for half a year but hated how they made me feel emotionless. I'm presently seeing a psychologist twice a month and that's been helping much more.
I did some light reading on gender dysphoria and realized I check a lot of boxes when it comes to that, including paraphilia (I am loathe to discuss that. The only person who knows is my wife, as of last night. Be assured, it's nothing illegal, but would certainly be classed as deviant.)
I honestly don't know what to think at this point. I talked with a trans woman last night and she explained her experience, listened to some of my story, and suggested I laser the hair off my face to start with (I have never desired to grow a beard/mustache and have shaved religiously because I hate the feeling if it grows more than 2 days. I am certain that I will never want to grow either in the future.) and ask the wife to take me to a fat girls store (I'm 300 lbs... so is she) and buy some women's clothes to enjoy at home after work/weekends as a start to see how I feel about it. My wife is happy to take me and pretend to be the one shopping so I don't have to feel nervous. Frankly, the only thing that won't be easy is shoes since she's several sizes smaller.
I'm going to do both those things but my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know if I'm ready for this or even if I'm sure it's what I want. I feel comfortable as a man, or at least I think I do, but I'm tired of pretending I don't want to do and enjoy girls stuff. Hell, I use messenger bags and laptop bags anytime I go out because it's the closest socially acceptable thing to a purse for a man.
Any advice would really be appreciated. Seeing a doctor is particularly difficult in my present situation since I'm working in Quebec but my primary residence is in Ontario (where my wife and child live). That does mean for 5 days or more a week I'm in my own apartment, which would seem to be a strain on the marriage but in fact it's only made it stronger. In Canada it is impossible to receive medical care outside of your home province for more than a few months without officially changing residence (thus making medical care in the other province invalid, and requiring moving absolutely everything government related along with it, which is impractical since my family lives in Ontario driving "my" car), but that makes no sense in my case since everything I care about is in Ontario and I'm literally just here on a year long contract.
What do I do? Where do I go from here? How can I stop beating myself up over this? Do I actually have gender identity issues? As you can see from what I wrote, I'm absolutely useless at self-reflection and introspection.
As for my parent's reaction, at my age I've decided I just don't care. I don't need them in any practical way other than emotional support. I don't want to hurt them, but if they decided to estrange me over this I would not care. I have discovered most of my friends are far more tolerant than I expected so while a select few might feel uncomfortable at first, I don't think it would end any friendships.
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