Hi everybody,
My name's Monica, I'm 43. I work with financial technologies. I feel like I'm pretty new to all this, and still trying to wrap my head around some of it, so apologies in advance if I come off sounding uninformed. I'm working on learning and growing.
I've had hormone problems almost my entire adult life. Huge rapid weight fluctuations in both directions, moodiness, the manic highs, and lows that go on for months, or even in some cases, years. I didn't know what it was until fairly recently. I always figured that I was young, and verile and healthy until I was in my late 30's and my wife insisted I see a doctor, and get myself looked at.
The doctor said that all my sex hormones were dangerously low, and prescribed me testosterone injections to get everything back on track. The idea being that it would jump start my body back into balance, and I would feel better. The brain fog and atrophy that comes with not producing enough sex hormone is pure hell. The slowness, lack of motivation, all of it. Not fun stuff. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I like.
So I took the medication for about a year. And, really, honestly, I just went from one kind of sick to another. The injections had a short half life in my system. I would take T, and get hot flashes, then I would feel amazing for about a week. And, then I would have to suffer for the next three weeks until my next injection. Rinse, repeat. The crashes on it were terrible. When I was coming down, I would feel completely alone, shaky, depressed (and I'm usually a REALLY happy person), and dejected. Completely without hope.
I gave up on it. Stopped seeing the doctor about a year after I started. And I was good for about a year and a half as I went back to my old habit of never seeing a doctor unless I think I'm dying.
This year, I decided to do something interesting with my career. I bought an RV, and started travelling around to the job sites I work at. And it's been a great time. I'm saving money. I love the freedom. I should be thrilled, and excited that my projects are going well, and that my clients love me.
But I've been having another episode for the last year and a half or so. This has been the worst yet. After we figured out that this whole thing was about defective hormones, I learned to listen to my body. Pick up on what it's trying to tell me. The way you might examine the error logs of a computer program to figure out what's wrong. So, that way, I could work backwards, and maybe figure the whole thing out.
It got so bad the other day, that I called in sick on my project, and just lay in bed with no motivation to do anything but look at the ceiling. Anything else was painful. It's difficult to describe what I mean by that, but if you've ever been through something like that you'll know.
By this time, my testicals had been in constant pain for about eight weeks. It's sort of like getting punched, but it doesn't really start or stop. It's just a dull, cruel, pain that doesn't let up. I had started to grow breasts, and one of the guys at work said something about it. I jokingly referenced fight club, and he awkwardly walked away, never bringing it up again.
Around the same time, I had mostly stopped wearing men's clothing, other than the baggy t-shirts and button downs I needed to avoid these uncomfortable conversations with my co-workers. I mean, yeah, girls clothes are more fun. But for me, it was kind of a matter of necessity. If I tried wearing my boy clothes, nothing fit. Even if it's in the right size. My body just isn't shaped that way. And, I look like an overweight redneck if I even try. It's disgusting. So, I was pretty careful to do it subtly. Even in liberal states, you have to be courageous if you're going to be over the top with anything even the slightest bit unusual. Truth is, I'm a coward, not really an activist.
You know, when I was in my early 20's, I was pretty. Not in a masculine way, either. Some of the gals I would hang out with would tell me that I would look better as a woman than they did. That's probably true. I've never been against the idea. It was a good time, I felt great, my body was in balance. I couldn't lose at anything. Then I got distracted with a career that involves sitting down for eight hours a day, and by my mid 20's my body started to change. It got straighter, less curvy. I gained 100 lbs, I got hairier.
And, I'm thinking about this, nine hours into my stare at the ceiling session. Then my brain went into problem solving mode. I shovelled myself out of bed. It took all the strength I had, and my first inclination was to get online, and see if I could get my hands on anabolic steroids. Turns out, it's not hard to do... as long as you're willing to wait 10 weeks. I did some research on them. I almost put my money where my mouth is, and came really close to getting some.
The source material on the internet for this sucks. There's a lot, "dude, you'll get so ripped," and not really a whole lot of useful material for anyone in my situation. Then my eyes roll across the fine print. "This one's five times stronger than T." And it hits me, mainly because I must be stupid and slow.
All this time, I've been trying to feed the wrong system.
What my body is telling me is that I'm low on hormone. Not which hormone will make me feel better. I wish my body had a better debugger sometimes. I wish those logs were easier to read. What it should be telling me is that I need estrogen. So, I tried to figure out how to get my hands on some. Any kind. And, the easiest thing to get was phytoestrogen supplements from GNC. I couldn't get out of that place fast enough. The guy behind the counter really wanted to sell me bodybuilding supplements, and I was having none of it. Got to the car, tore open the bottle, and sucked down probably about nine pills.
The stuff acts fast. Right then and there, about 20 minutes later, I felt great. My head cleared up. It initially really spun my starving estrogen receptors. And, wait a minute, I remember this. That's what I'm supposed to feel like. For lack of a better way to describe it, it sort of felt like falling in love. Or remembering it... intensely.
I had some trouble with it though. It got me through the episode, but take too much of the stuff, and it makes your heart pound. Also, this morning (almost 5 days later) I woke up feeling like my testosterone levels were higher, which honestly, makes me a little uncomfortable. My breasts have stopped swelling though, nipples have softened, and my testicals don't hurt quite as much, which is nice.
So, now that I've learned something, I think I want that balance again. I think I want to do a full transition. I really have little or no emotional investment in masculinity as a concept. I could take it or leave it. If it screws up my quality of life, it's not worth it. There are aspects to transition that I find scary, but I'm up to it. There's no listed side effect anywhere, that I haven't already experienced some degree of.
My wife is probably terrified. She's says she gets it, and she's really trying to be supportive. She's worried that my penis will go away, or shrivel up and not be useful. I tried to explain girl dick to her, but she wants to hear it from a doctor.
To make her feel better, I told her that I wouldn't start treatment until June when I get back to town. That makes her feel better, I think. Just ordered some Progynova and Spiractin tonight though. I need some long term relief. I need it as soon as possible. I figure, when I do come clean with her about it, she'll understand.
Anyway, that was wordy.
Sorry. Just wanted to get it out. I wanted to thank everyone here. This seems like a really accepting group, and I found a lot of the topics here really useful and insightful. I can't tell you how much I've learned, and how this board really helped me feel better about making my decision to begin HRT.
You're all beautiful.
Thanks.
