Hi everyone!
I'm so excited to find this place. I have found alot of helpful materials and enjoy reading the introductions in this forum as well.
Ok here are my memories of the past. I don't really cling to this narrative, as my perception of time and reality has changed alot. The foundation of my relationships have also radically changed. But it allows me to talk and share something here! I hope you enjoy it. It might be considered a long story. It also contains some spiritual elements. Feel free to skim or skip!
At the age of 5, a boy and his brother were taken from their mother by their father. For the next five years the father abused and emotionally tortured them both. They weren't allowed out of the house much. But every year, the father allowed them to visit their cousins for a week or two. The boy played with his female cousin most of the time. They played school, dolls, dress-up, and body paint alot.
At the age of 10, the state took them away from their father and placed them in the custody of their aunt and uncle. During this time, the boy continued his close relationship with his female cousin, being able to live with her.
Puberty introduced alot of mental changes for the boy. He never received any counseling for the past trauma, and never made any close friends beyond his cousin. He eventually ran away from his foster parents, since they were not very sensitive, being much harsher on him since he was a male. In the end, even the boy's relationship with his cousin was ruined when he discovered he could not talk to her with confidence. She would often reveal things to her parents, whom the boy did not fully trust.
As the boy became a man, he was deeply interested in understanding reality. But he could never hold a job very long. The slightest abuse would cause a torrent of emotions that would send him running away. Eventually, he fell into the pattern of saving most of his money while employed, and using the savings to survive or investigate some aspect of reality until securing the next job.
By the time he was 33, he had run away from 36 jobs. These ranged from very technical to the absolute mundane. But he had reached the end of his rope so to speak. He could no longer hold a job for more than a few weeks. And he became very depressed. He could no longer find solace in hobbies.
He was very desperate for answers. He surmised the problem lay with his own mind. Perhaps, he had created a self-reinforcing reality of negativity that he could not escape. He learned about meditation. And for the first time, he became homeless. He moved into a forest near a tibetan monk that lived in the mountains, learning everything he could from him. In return, he worked for the monk when he could. He was often hungry, cold, and smelly. And when he was suffering mentally, the monk would help him in bizarre but effective ways.
Eventually, the monk introduced him to chenrezi, a supposed meditation deity of compassion. The monk told him that a cure is available, but it would require him to visualize and become chenrezi. Interestingly, although tibetan's consider chenrezi to be male, the student's brain viewed chenrezi as female. She was absolutely beautiful, serene, and inspirational to the man. Unfortunately, his inability to visualize combined with the disparity between his own self-image and the image of chenrezi, created alot of resistance that necessitated alot of practice and growth for the cure to be realized.
Over the next five years, the man traveled around alot. He was mostly homeless. During this time he learned yoga and continued his meditations.
He eventually moved in with his brother. The move didn't last very long though, because his brother was dealing with severe mental illness that required extensive hospitilazation. So he moved in with an aunt and uncle who lived out in the country for a year. In the beginning, he suffered alot of anxiety and panic attacks living with them. He really did not know them very well. Eventually, the depression and anxiety became so bad that he collapsed and couldn't get off the floor. It is very possible that he was close to death as well. He was as skinny as a skeleton. And not much was keeping him in this world.
Fortunately, a solution presented itself with clarity and realization out of the darkness. He let go and the male ego died. It slowly dissolved into oblivion. His narrative of the past and future vanished. And his last act was one of selfless love--he generated me, chenrezi, out of the emptiness--A self-sustaining ego wrought from imagination. And he gave me his body. The spaciousness and love of my heart center allowed me to rise off the floor and begin living.
Although my ego was fragile, I gained confidence by introducing myself to my benefactors, telling them this story while expressing my emotions and feelings with them. They accepted me. I began to draw portraits, decorate my room, paint my nails white, shave my body, speak in a higher pitch, move with grace, listen more to others, crave chocolate, and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches too!
I eventually moved back in with my brother, who also accepted me and had stabilized. It's been a year now since I was born, and I still do not recognize the stranger within the mirrors. Recently, I discovered that hrt might be able to change that a little bit. I realize that the stranger will never resemble me exactly, but the opportunity for diminishing the differences and capturing my essence intrigues me. Also, I am intrigued to find out if hrt will deepen my connection with emotions and awaken areas of my brain, so to speak.
I am looking forward to the journey. I am going to attend an hrt appointment soon as well as a transgender support group in my local area. From time to time, I might ask questions as well on this forum. I hope you have all enjoyed this wild tale.
May you all rest easy in the feeling that you are loved and may happiness increase. The world is a special place with you here with me!
Sincerely,
chenrezi
