I've been a member of these forums for a very long time and have had a very complicated time since. Finally in the last month and a half or so I've just been getting too down about it all, and felt that I really need to get the ball rolling now, while I'm still young.
First some context: I've had a complicated relationship with my mom in these regards. I first came out to her in early 2004. It was dismissed as a phase back then, and I was told I didn't fit the stereotypes for women - liking cooking and cleaning. I mean, she wasn't wrong, but it's not like my sister is much different so I was confused. I had only just recently learned that being transgender was even a thing, the years before I thought I was completely alone in my feelings and prayed desperately to God to just have me wake up the right sex the next morning all of the time. So... I had no means of really defending myself at this point.
In early 2009, I was feeling bolstered after having came out to my friends and even having a girlfriend who supported me, so I had the conversation again. I don't recall her being so dismissive this time around, but, I again, was inexperienced and didn't know what to say. She asked me "Well, what are we going to do about it?" and I didn't really have an answer. Of course, I really wanted to transition, but I was still stuck in a mindset of wishing deeply that somehow it could all be fixed with a magical pill instead of all of hassle of transitioning. I was too scared to do anything real. Since then, aside from random comments here and there where she was in control, the subject has not been brought up much at all. It really just got burrowed so deep that I thought my mom was intentionally in denial about it. She's not the only person I've had "forget" it except for bringing it up when it was convenient for them.
Anyway, only a little more context. I've been scared all of these years of saying anything. My mom and I have always been very close, this aside. One of those rare times I was assertive (saying I would prefer to get a pair of women's tennis shoes instead of men's) she cried. This led me down a path of thinking that even if she doesn't disown me from the family (which I couldn't see happening), me pushing further would hurt her, break her heart. She wanted a son, I am the only AMAB child for her.
My parents have done so much for me, paying for my community college years, giving me transportation (since I can't drive), even coming out and buying me groceries every couple of weeks when I lived in my own apartment to go to university (a whole hour or so away from home) for the last couple of years. Hurting, betraying them is just not something I could even think of, and I certainly felt like pushing forward is doing just that.
Enough context, now! The last couple of months have been really rough for me, and it was becoming harder for me to stay silent. The thought of actually going on HRT became something that just felt needed to me to be able to be okay. However, doing this behind my parents' backs would be pretty much impossible, and again, me pushing too forward behind their backs.
I've always been really bad about just hinting to my parents, friends, etc. about anything and everything, because I become very scared to be straight-forward about anything that might be awkward. I was trying these hints, but nothing was working, so (finally getting to the point! I ramble on a lot, sorry)... I sat my mom down the other night and just finally came out with it. I tried to take her feelings into account every step of the way. I began the conversation with "I'm sad, mom. I really don't want you to be sad, but it's becoming really hard for me." I then went on to establish so far that even if there was a way to stop me from being trans, I couldn't do it, because it would be taking away who I am. She said some very supportive things, that she knows that isn't anything that anyone would ever choose, that it is just the way we are, and that more than anything she doesn't want me to be sad. She said she loves me, and this will not change that at all.
I was so relieved! I didn't really have the heart to bring up HRT, though. I'll explain why in a second. I did tell her that the next step I really wanted to take was finding a therapist, and specified a therapist who understands this stuff and will not try to take it out of me. Because "therapy" can have multiple meanings... Yikes. Still, she expressed that she is scared for my safety and insisted that it isn't safe for me to present in public with where we live (a southern state in the US). I understood - there is a plan in my family to move Northeast, and she actually said "then, we can think about it". I don't think she understands how much I have already gotten away with, but I understand her concerns, and I'm scared to go out blatantly female mode, but I haven't ever even had the opportunity to go that far.
So with that in my mind, I haven't brought up HRT, but that is my plan. I know that going with low-dose HRT, you can manage to hide it pretty well in public for a very long time while the changes are still kicking in. I'm feeling like this conversation may have to come up after I've started therapy. But I REALLY want HRT, and I want it started ASAP. Maybe I can hide it while I'm here, but I'd like to be ready to be myself entirely when we move to the Northeast.
She is hesitant to call me by the female name that I've went with for friends/internally for years. She knows it's the name that she would have given me should I have been born biologically female, but she's still having some hold-backs with that. It is disappointing and all, but it turns out a "nickname" version of my given male name is actually gender-neutral. I've never associated it as such, but have done my research and saw that it actually is gender-neutral. She has insisted that "for now" she call me by that. I'm hoping that changes soon, but I'm going to give her some space. I know she's actually trying, because I heard her correct herself when talking to one of our dogs earlier today when I was in a different room and she wouldn't assume I was in ear-shot. She's actually trying, and even if I can't see the name as gender-neutral, it's something I have to appreciate.
So, some good news for once! I can not tell you how full of happiness I've been in the last couple of days. I couldn't even sleep the night after telling her because I think I was just too excited. Just a few days ago, it seemed like something that could not be done in my life at all. So much has opened up for me now and I'm so happy! I'm getting in contact with some of my transgender friends to see who is best to go to for therapy/HRT.
I never thought I'd actually get to have a happy post on this website. ^_^
