Quote from: HappyMoni on March 09, 2019, 04:34:59 PM
Hi HM,
Please excuse my silliness, but your initials immediately made me think of Hannah Montana. You aren't the Hannah Montana are you?
Okay, so reading your post, it seems pretty clear that your partner doesn't understand what this is all about. I am in no way bad mouthing her, but to say what she said about this being wrong leaves me thinking she thinks you are trying to do something immoral. Either that or she is trying to steer you away from feminine behavior in any way she can. I imagine you realize there is no off switch to this. I hope you also know that what you are drawn to do is not wrong. I am moved to write to you because my female (feminine) self was caged or contained for many years. I remember the guilt trip I imposed on myself. I had a partner who didn't care if I 'expressed myself' and I still couldn't do it from guilt. Damned upbringing!!! Part of my problem (not implying you are the same) was that all I had available to me in my life then was being a crossdresser. I am not a crossdresser (old term transvestite) and never have been. Hence me wearing women's clothes in a locked room caused me self esteem issues. One day the craziness of my dilemma became so great that I started looking at stories of trans people. I started finding that trans people who transitioned, despite what I had heard, could be happy. I started to think it was possible. Long story short, I did transition, and am beyond happy I did. At this point, it sounds like you are unsure where you stand. I completely applaud your efforts to go out and to learn more about yourself. What a wonderfully positive thing to do. I just hope you genuinely know that if you are a transgender person who is okay with dressing sometimes or need to fully transition, you are you. You are not bad or immoral, or deviant, or any other negative thing someone wants to throw at you. Of course, you may need to explain that to them.
Moni
Thanks, Moni, for your wonderful comments!
First of all, don't worry, I am not
the Hannah Montana (LOL), neither real nor fake! I'll let you know my real name via PM, since I am not comfortable having it on a public forum since I am not out yet (except to my wife).
I think my wife is in the Denial stage of the 5 stages of grief, while I have already reached some level of acceptance, although I am still trying to figure out how far I am leaning towards transitioning. And she tries to convince me to join her in the denials, hence her efforts to steer me away from the trans crowd. I can say that I don't feel any guilt anymore over dressing female and those steering efforts don't really work (my parents tried that too on various topics when I was young (although not trans-related as they don't know about this aspect of my personality), but I would just say yes or nothing at all, maybe nod with my head and then do what I wanted to do while making extra sure I didn't get caught not following their advice).
I just came back from the support meeting I attended and she didn't want to hear much how it went. Yes, I was able to tell her that I was the best dressed woman there (in my not so humble opinion) and that I got lots of compliments for the scarf she brought for me from her overseas trip, but as soon as the topic turned to trans-specific issues she dialed out. I guess I need to start talking daily about how I feel and why I need to present female and over time I hope this will sink in. Unfortunately I am not a very talkative person and usually keep everything to myself, which leads both of us avoiding talking about the issue as much as we can and the elephant remains in the room.
Another fun detail was after I came home and we spoke a bit my wife asked me if I wanted to switch into something more comfortable. She usually does this like when I am coming home from work to invite me to don the formal clothes and switch into something less formal and since I was somewhat formally dressed from the meeting (skirt, pullover, scarf, nylons & heels) she said the same thing without any bad intentions. However, I had to point out that I was indeed
very comfortable in the clothes I wore. And she answered that she doesn't want to hear about it.
So, all in all it is going to be some rough weeks or months ahead of us. I hope I can convince her to come with me to my next therapy session in about a week. In a few months things are really going to get rough when our kids come back from college for the summer holidays from mid July to mid September. We haven't told them and my wife doesn't want to tell them (probably because she hopes the entire thing can be contained to just crossdressing at home while the kids are not here, however I don't think this is going to work because the woman in me wants to go out and spread her wings). Well, there is still time to figure out what to do...
Thanks again for your supportive answer!
Hugs,
HM