Getting recognized in public

[Lynne]

Something happened today which reminded me that I have forgotten to add one thing to my post. I have worked with so many people in the last decade and people seem to remember me because I don't really fit in as a guy. The problem is that sometimes I have a hard time remembering the faces of people I've met a long time ago. So there is a chance that I've come across some people who remember me but I don't remember them.

I was coming back from the shoe store en femme and I was waiting at a red light and there was this guy at the other side of the road, looking and smiling at me. I did not recognize him and I just didn't know if he liked me or I was clocked by him or he recognized me as the guy he knew from somewhere or if there was something wrong with way I dressed. The same thing happened a few weeks ago but it was a young woman who smiled in my direction and I just don't know what to make of it. It's perfectly possible that I forgot a lot of people and now dozens of them saw me dressed like that already and nobody says anything about it to my face.

[RobynD]

I came out organically without any announcement to family, eventually, I had to speak with employees and contractors at my company but they basically knew before that. I just talked to people ad-hoc as the conversation came up. I live a city of 50K people, so I see people I know all the time and I live downtown, so that anyone who comes downtown to shop or eat is bound to run into me.

I never really understood or cared very much about what was going on behind my back. Indirectly it probably cost me money as people judged me and decided to go arm's length on business relationships etc, but thus far I have continued to support myself.

It's been a bit confusing for some (even some friends) as to how I present myself sometimes changes pretty drastically. Last year it was getting more and more feminine, this year it is on the masculine side of feminine or more androgynous. I transitioned to alleviate mainly social dysphoria and that mission has been accomplished, and now 4 yrs into the future I have to make my way in the world. As a trans person, that includes wearing what I want to wear or not wearing that which I don't.

The thing is is that I am the same person I've always been, I never considered my gender presentation to be that important in the grand scheme of things and the fact that some people are uncomfortable with this change in society with more openness, more acceptance and more fluidity, the fact that it challenges categories and understandings about the world that they grew up in, is not my issue. It's their time to catch up not mine. I'm sure there will future changes in the world that I will have to deal with too.

To those struggling with stepping out, I really do have empathy. More so, I have some disdain for some parts of the world/culture that makes people feel fearful and not fitting in. My advice to others is to plow through and be the person they are, everywhere.

[Michelle_P]

...
I was coming back from the shoe store en femme and I was waiting at a red light and there was this guy at the other side of the road, looking and smiling at me. I did not recognize him and I just didn't know if he liked me or I was clocked by him or he recognized me as the guy he knew from somewhere or if there was something wrong with way I dressed. The same thing happened a few weeks ago but it was a young woman who smiled in my direction and I just don't know what to make of it. It's perfectly possible that I forgot a lot of people and now dozens of them saw me dressed like that already and nobody says anything about it to my face.

I don't know about the guy, but women seeing each other on the street often smile at each other.  While walking, women tend to look at others with a quick 'foot to head' sweep, and then smile, as if to say 'all is well' with appearance.   One of the more interesting experiences is for another women to notice something out of place, such as a collar tag poking out, or blouse collar poking out awkwardly, and then just reaching over and fixing it on oneself.

[Dena]

It happens and all you can do is trust your ability to improvise.

My story starts before I was full time and I had just come out to my boss and my boss's boss. Within a few weeks I was a part of a layoff. Was I laid off because of coming out or because they needed to cut me, I can't prove it one way or the other.

As I needed a job, I decided there was no time like the preset to go full time so I did and I found a job about 10 miles away from the old one as the crow fly's. After I had been there for over a year, I knew the company was hiring so I wasn't surprised to see somebody waiting outside my boss's office. What did surprise me was to see that it was my boss applying for work. I talked with him for a few minutes and life went on.

Another day, the receptionist said she left her glasses at home and her husband was bringing them to work. To my surprise, it turned out to be my boss's boss. We didn't talk but I wonder what the conversation was at home after work.

It's possible that one of the above blew my cover and that's part of the reason I lost that job as well. I will never know but one thing comes to mind and that's the movie 9 to 5. The panic that happens inside when something goes wrong but yet the need to maintain a cool exterior. The world doesn't end as long as you keep your cool and life goes on.

[Iztaccihuatl]

Why do you say you are very noticeable?

I am VERY tall. I constantly get asked if I am a basketball player. No matter how I am dressed (male or female), I just can't blend in with the crowd. A couple of years ago I visited a National Park in Zhangjiajie in China in boy mode and you won't believe how many people asked to take a picture with me! Now imagine a woman of that size. I know there are very few cis-women who are as tall as I am, but they stand out the same as I do.



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[pamelatransuk]

The thing is is that I am the same person I've always been, I never considered my gender presentation to be that important in the grand scheme of things and the fact that some people are uncomfortable with this change in society with more openness, more acceptance and more fluidity, the fact that it challenges categories and understandings about the world that they grew up in, is not my issue. It's their time to catch up not mine. I'm sure there will future changes in the world that I will have to deal with too.

To those struggling with stepping out, I really do have empathy. More so, I have some disdain for some parts of the world/culture that makes people feel fearful and not fitting in. My advice to others is to plow through and be the person they are, everywhere.

Hello Robyn

This summary is so true. I agree precisely.

As I said previously, I am technically still in the closet and have been out only locally several times. However I am definitely transitioning in Summer and will bear your advice in mind.

Hugs

Pamela

[AoifeB]

I've had this happen three times, twice with the same friend, and one close call. While my girlfriend was pregnant one of the only things she could keep down was fountain soda. Driving home one night, she stopped at a gas station and asked me to run inside. I'd completely forgotten that one of my friends worked there, until I walked up to the counter to pay. He didn't seem to catch on, and we chatted for what seemed like forever as I waited for the card reader to finish. Saw him in guy mode the next week with no comments. Happened again a month or so later.

The other incident I bumped into a friend of a friend who'd I'd talked with a few times, enough for him to recognise me, or so he thought. He did a double take and said, "sorry, I thought you were someone else."
"Oh, I get that a lot, dont worry," and I hurried to a different aisle.

So in my experience as well, people may not recognise you.

[V M]

That's hilarious! That story made my day.

Hugs 

[HappyMoni]

First of all, I love your approach of figuring out where you fit on the trans spectrum by going out and getting real life experience. I went to a different city for my electrolysis and first exploits in presenting female to avoid my story getting out before I was ready. I luckily was not seen by anyone. If I had, I would have talked to them and asked for them to hold that information. With my coming out I wanted to control the way I presented the information about my transition.
I have a story about how you think folks perceive you and how it can be totally wrong. It happened yesterday. I went to a Bob Evans, sat down facing the kitchen. I usually am not clocked in public (as far as I can tell) but I looked at this guy looking my way from the kitchen. He bent down some to get a clear look and  he was smiling, kind of giggling. I thought this was some kind of idiot who thought me being trans was a joke. So we leave the restaurant and I tell my partner. She then says, "I guess you didn't see the guy behind you?" It turns out there was a roughly 70 year old man with a Mohawk with bright blue hair sitting right behind me. Point of the story? Ya never can tell what is in people's minds. When I first came out I thought everyone was staring at me. I decided to wear dark sunglasses to hide my eyes so I could see other people's eyes. It turns out, people weren't staring at me, they were just going about their lives just like before.

[krobinson103]

I am VERY tall. I constantly get asked if I am a basketball player. No matter how I am dressed (male or female), I just can't blend in with the crowd. A couple of years ago I visited a National Park in Zhangjiajie in China in boy mode and you won't believe how many people asked to take a picture with me! Now imagine a woman of that size. I know there are very few cis-women who are as tall as I am, but they stand out the same as I do.



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I've made my peace with standing out. I'll never blend in anyway. I know I 'pass' so most of the noticing is just that... I look a bit different to the crowd and you know what? Thats ok!

[krobinson103]

I've had this happen three times, twice with the same friend, and one close call. While my girlfriend was pregnant one of the only things she could keep down was fountain soda. Driving home one night, she stopped at a gas station and asked me to run inside. I'd completely forgotten that one of my friends worked there, until I walked up to the counter to pay. He didn't seem to catch on, and we chatted for what seemed like forever as I waited for the card reader to finish. Saw him in guy mode the next week with no comments. Happened again a month or so later.

The other incident I bumped into a friend of a friend who'd I'd talked with a few times, enough for him to recognise me, or so he thought. He did a double take and said, "sorry, I thought you were someone else."
"Oh, I get that a lot, dont worry," and I hurried to a different aisle.

So in my experience as well, people may not recognise you.

Been there. People I used to attend church with when I was with the mother of my kids run stores in the main street. These days they can look right at me and not have a clue who I am. I've had my kids Teachers look right through me before I reminded them I am indeed the person they were looking for!

[Iztaccihuatl]

I've made my peace with standing out. I'll never blend in anyway. I know I 'pass' so most of the noticing is just that... I look a bit different to the crowd and you know what? Thats ok!

Please don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with my height per se. I am actually proud of all my 6'6" and never had an issue (except when buying clothes or sitting in an airplane). It is just that at this moment when I cautiously try to spread my feminine wings I prefer to go unnoticed.

In my dreams and fantasy world I am a super tall and confident woman with a charming smile who is not afraid of putting on heels despite her height. But I have to realize that my current status quo is that others probably see me as a guy in a dress (although when looking in the mirror I don't see it that way, but I am admittedly also a bit biased on this topic...)


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[Iztaccihuatl]

First of all, I love your approach of figuring out where you fit on the trans spectrum by going out and getting real life experience. I went to a different city for my electrolysis and first exploits in presenting female to avoid my story getting out before I was ready. I luckily was not seen by anyone. If I had, I would have talked to them and asked for them to hold that information. With my coming out I wanted to control the way I presented the information about my transition.
I have a story about how you think folks perceive you and how it can be totally wrong. It happened yesterday. I went to a Bob Evans, sat down facing the kitchen. I usually am not clocked in public (as far as I can tell) but I looked at this guy looking my way from the kitchen. He bent down some to get a clear look and  he was smiling, kind of giggling. I thought this was some kind of idiot who thought me being trans was a joke. So we leave the restaurant and I tell my partner. She then says, "I guess you didn't see the guy behind you?" It turns out there was a roughly 70 year old man with a Mohawk with bright blue hair sitting right behind me. Point of the story? Ya never can tell what is in people's minds. When I first came out I thought everyone was staring at me. I decided to wear dark sunglasses to hide my eyes so I could see other people's eyes. It turns out, people weren't staring at me, they were just going about their lives just like before.

Yeah, it would really be great if we could read other people's minds (only their opinions about ourselves, I don't want to get into their other emotional baggage, I've got enough of that for my own)...


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[Iztaccihuatl]

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all you ladies who have answered on this thread and shared their amazing stories, I loved reading them all!

Some stories shared here mention that others didn't recognize you when en femme. I assume that this was mostly due to the use of wigs, that drastically change the appearance of the face. I for my part never found a wig that fit well (large head circumference) and was reasonably priced and I also feel hot and start to sweat pretty soon when wearing a wig. For that reason I have let my hair grow out, therefore the only difference (except for makeup where I try not to over-do it) is that en homme I wear it in a ponytail while en femme I wear it open. So, this also contributes to my insecurities and fear of getting recognized easily.

Love,

HM


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[AnneK]

Some stories shared here mention that others didn't recognize you when en femme. I assume that this was mostly due to the use of wigs, that drastically change the appearance of the face.

I was wearing a wig on those occasions I wasn't recognized.

Incidentally, this afternoon at the local mall, I noticed a cross-dresser, with his/her girlfriend or sister.  The only clue was the 5 o'clock shadow.  Either that, or she was a CIS woman desperately in need of laser or electrolysis.   

[krobinson103]

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all you ladies who have answered on this thread and shared their amazing stories, I loved reading them all!

Some stories shared here mention that others didn't recognize you when en femme. I assume that this was mostly due to the use of wigs, that drastically change the appearance of the face. I for my part never found a wig that fit well (large head circumference) and was reasonably priced and I also feel hot and start to sweat pretty soon when wearing a wig. For that reason I have let my hair grow out, therefore the only difference (except for makeup where I try not to over-do it) is that en homme I wear it in a ponytail while en femme I wear it open. So, this also contributes to my insecurities and fear of getting recognized easily.

Love,

HM


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Never used a wig, all due to hormones and presentation...

[AoifeB]

No wig, just some lipstick and clothing