Not woman enough?

[KimOct]

I am primarily on this site to pay it forward to those that helped me early in my transition.  I offer support, advice, opinions and sometimes ask tough questions to help people move forward in accepting themselves and overcoming fear.

Right now I am the one in need of help.  Recently I have been discussing the upcoming topic with my therapist and she told me 'you are at the showdown'.  I knew exactly what she meant.  This is my final step in truly accepting this life and who I am.

I am at peace with being transgender, living openly, finding courage and basically just living my life.  This last piece is bugging me and I decided to open up my most painful feelings both for help for myself and maybe it will help others.
I figure that if I tell Emma that her story is helping others and to keep sharing then I should practice what I preach.

So here's the thing.  I know mentally and emotionally I am a woman.  Legally and on paper I am a woman in every way.  But I still have the body and face of a guy.  And it sucks.

I have no more testosterone than any woman due to my orchiectomy but my face is mostly the same, I have very small breasts, I am still 6'2" with broad shoulders, big hands - you get the idea.

I think about sexuality.  I have not touched anyone sexually since before my transition.  My sex drive has diminished but not disappeared. Men have become more attractive but I still look at women more but I can't imagine having sex with either gender.  I don't want to be dominant with a woman but I am not feminine enough for any man.  And I miss the intimacy the hugging, kissing, cuddling.

I am a TRANSwoman and I look and feel like it.  Breast augmentation, FFS and vaginoplasty are doubtful for me.  I have a damaged heart and my finances have collapsed.  I haven't entirely ruled out those procedures but at best I am probably looking at a zero depth vaginoplasty and maybe a nose job.

As usual I digress.  The point is my body is the body of a TRANSwoman and it makes me sad.  Both romantically and for having my body match my mind.

So yep I don't have everything figured out.  Never said I did.  I do have it figured out how to live openly and authentically but I don't have it figured out how to live with ME.

[Dena]

When I look at your avatar, I see a woman. It takes a long time before you stop seeing your old self in the mirror and others will see the woman long before you do. It took me several years before I stopped seeing the male all the time but I will still occasionally look at the mirror and wonder if I am passing. The one thing that is reassuring is simple things like a man holding the door for me when I am just as capable of handling the door or being addressed as ma'am even in jeans and a top.

As for height, when I transitioned, my 6'2 was tall and I towered over most everybody. Lately I have noticed more younger women my height meaning I stand out less in a crowd.

The important thing isn't any of the above but is instead your attitude. If you know you're a woman and you have every right to be where you are and do what you're doing, everybody will accept you as a woman and you will stop thinking about your past. I remember my past but I am now myself. I am no longer transgender, I just am me.

[Linde]

Now, come on, you are living in Minnesowta, you are a tough broad just being able to live there.  I gave up and threw in the towel, you are still hanging in!

I don't feel that your face looks very masculine, I have seen many natal women, who look way more masculine you do (the Lake Wobegan thing).
I am 6', which meas not muh shorter than you, and I lie to wear heels, and they make me to be as tall as you.  I run into enough women around here, who are as tall or taller than I (considering we have a lot of Latinas here!!).
You have similar sexual "problems " as I do, I, too miss the most the skin contact and the hugging, preferably with a woman.  I pretty much resigned to the fact that this may not become reality, but you are way younger than I, and have a real good chance to meet somebody who wants to be with you!
There is lot's of stuff you can do to get bigger boobs (how are your female family members, you will be about a number less than they are), but, as reported here, you can get those girls rather big with pumping.  Pumps seem to be rather inexpensive.  There are massage techniques that help breast growth (the main thing is to get as much blood flow to the babies as possible, blood brings nutrients, ad they let the boobs grow).
You can do a lot for your beasts without having to get surgery!

I am also not 100% sure, if I will have bottom surgery, i am retired and on a fixed income.  I have not many chances to pump that up, and I might jut be happy with my orchi!

But the major thing is that I am a woman, and nobody needs to look into my pants to see what I have down there!

I don't know what else to write, but please get off, of those stupid thoughts and be that strong Minnesota woman again!
You need to help Paul, Babe the Blue OX cannot do this all alone!

Hugs
Linde

[Complete]

I think asking the difficult questions is an absolute must when it comes to  the kind of major life changes involved  in transition. No doubt you gave what you are doing grave consideration. Surely youu had a plan. So my question to you is, what was your end goal. Where / how did you envision the end of your transition?
Please forgive me for not offering platitudes. I honestly don't believe that is what you seek from this post.

[KimOct]

I think asking the difficult questions is an absolute must when it comes to  the kind of major life changes involved  in transition. No doubt you gave what you are doing grave consideration. Surely youu had a plan. So my question to you is, what was your end goal. Where / how did you envision the end of your transition?
Please forgive me for not offering platitudes. I honestly don't believe that is what you seek from this post.

I planned on full FFS and vaginoplasty.  I was in a lawsuit against the pharmaceutical company that caused my cancer and was awarded $143,000.  I ended up with less than $30,000 of it.  There were a lot of hands in the pie from attorneys to insurance companies and others.  You could obviously ask OK what about the $30,000.  I used to make more than double what I make now and fell on hard times.  I don't want to go into further details about my finances but I wanted to answer the question honestly.  Also my health issues have made additional surgeries more of an issue.

So why did I go ahead and transition.  Because I decided I have this one life and I am not going to spend it hiding and I wanted to live as the real me.

[KimOct]

Now, come on, you are living in Minnesowta, you are a tough broad just being able to live there.  I gave up and threw in the towel, you are still hanging in!

I don't feel that your face looks very masculine, I have seen many natal women, who look way more masculine you do (the Lake Wobegan thing).
I am 6', which meas not muh shorter than you, and I lie to wear heels, and they make me to be as tall as you.  I run into enough women around here, who are as tall or taller than I (considering we have a lot of Latinas here!!).
You have similar sexual "problems " as I do, I, too miss the most the skin contact and the hugging, preferably with a woman.  I pretty much resigned to the fact that this may not become reality, but you are way younger than I, and have a real good chance to meet somebody who wants to be with you!
There is lot's of stuff you can do to get bigger boobs (how are your female family members, you will be about a number less than they are), but, as reported here, you can get those girls rather big with pumping.  Pumps seem to be rather inexpensive.  There are massage techniques that help breast growth (the main thing is to get as much blood flow to the babies as possible, blood brings nutrients, ad they let the boobs grow).
You can do a lot for your beasts without having to get surgery!

I am also not 100% sure, if I will have bottom surgery, i am retired and on a fixed income.  I have not many chances to pump that up, and I might jut be happy with my orchi!

But the major thing is that I am a woman, and nobody needs to look into my pants to see what I have down there!

I don't know what else to write, but please get off, of those stupid thoughts and be that strong Minnesota woman again!
You need to help Paul, Babe the Blue OX cannot do this all alone!

Hugs
Linde

Thanks Linde I really didn't need to post this thread, I will get through this too but it is what I am feeling.  I thought I was being a hypocrite telling Emma that she should keep posting her thoughts and feelings to help both herself and others so I thought I should walk the talk and do the same. 

I am interested in hearing others experiences with these feelings, their advice and sure a couple compliments wouldn't hurt but that's not the goal of this - I could go to other threads for that.

[Complete]

Thank you for your candor. I have to agree with Dena. Your avatar reveals the face of a woman. In your own head you are a woman. Attitude is important as it builds confidence. They go hand in hand. The good news is, you will always be you☺

[KimOct]

Thanks for the compliments Ann and I won't chase any away    but the point of the topic is how I and others feel about ourselves and how to improve our perspective. 

As far as not realizing for 60 years well yeah I realized it but believe me I didn't live it.  Nobody even remotely suspected.  I was good at playing the role.  I was attracted to women, did not act effeminately and knew how to be all the guys buddy.  I had a really good job managing Fortune 500 accounts and you have to be able to get people to like you to do that kind of work.  I was great at fitting in.  But I had a secret.... a big one.

Well it's not a secret anymore I am a 58 year old openly transgender woman.  So much for blending in.  Now I have to learn how to be OK with my mind and my body.  At least I lucked out on my hair - that's the one physical thing I have going for me and my eyes I am told, other than that eh not so much.  My avatar pic is legit not touched up but is about the best pic I have.  I get down too sometimes.
Thanks

[Sienna Grace]

Hi Kim

It seems to me the issues, fears and doubts you raise, seem to be those that most of us hold. I don't know for certain what goes on in the mind of other people but most of them seem to revolve around the idea of what women look like - mine included.

My decision to live authentically comes, quite as it does for many of us, at massive cost. Like you my fear revolves around the prospect of forever lacking human physical intimacy. But fear is not real. Fear is a product of overthinking. I try really hard - largely unsuccessfully - to avoid the overthinking fear trap.

We all have highs and lows. On my bad days I see an ugly man, on good days a reasonably attractive woman I'm hoping for 50.1% good anything extra is a bonus.

Sienna

PS: you look female to me. Xx

[Emma1017]

It's funny Kim. 

I was literally grilling myself this morning for the 1,000,000th time asking why I felt it was so critical that I present as a female,  followed by whether I was ready to do it the rest of my life, followed by the ever damaging "will I pass?".

I read Sienna's' post saying the same thing.

Kim I am the amateur in the group but I will agree with everyone else, you look great.

I have never met anyone who liked their body.  We are doubly cursed. 

I read your added frustration of your health and your finances.  I have been giving professional financial advice for 35 years so, finally I can share some of my expertise instead of emotions.

Here's is how I recommend, based on finances and your health, I would prioritize the options I see without really knowing you enough (forgive my presumptions):

     1.  You know we can't change our body shape which means our fashion choices can help.  Make sure you are
          making the right choices for your body.  Spend some money on a professional stylist.

     2.  Spend some money on great makeup and make up advice.  Spend on accentuating your natural beauty.  Have a
          day of beauty.  Go to a spa.

     3.  Find a specific facial surgery that will make you feel better.  It would be great if you could have all the FFS done
          at the same time but because of cost and health reasons, pick the most important feature for you and save up
          for it.  FFS on the installment plan.

I hope I haven't been insulting.  You have been there for me.


Warm regards,

Emma

[April_TO]

First of all, your post resonates so much with me. I also want to echo what everyone have said in this post, you are a woman. I know it is hard for us to see past of who we were before. But trust me when I tell you, you have to accept and love who you are now before you can see her


Dreams do come true, Kim! Fast forward to 5 years, I just gave my $3 K down payment for my Hip and Butt Augmentation. Breast Augmentation is not too far in my horizon.

The only reason why I am sharing this with you is because If I can do it so can you!. I understand that your situation right now is telling you that you can't. But it can only start once you believe it is possible.

I want to quote Henry Ford "Whether you think you can or you can't, either way you are right"

Hugs! We believe in you xo

[Complete]

I think Sienna Grace has a point, even if I do not agree with it. Too many people seem to be overly concerned with their looks.  Of course you could argue that "most  women" are so overly concerned,  but again,  I would disagree. As an older woman,  who was in fact  once young, l can tell you that my looks,  (how l am seen by others), is far down my list of importance. Personally,  I believe this is a result of self confidence gained over decades of living my life authentically. For those of you who are just now starting out,  (say the first five years post srs) you will find that as time passes, you will become less concerned with your 'presentation'.
IMHO, the only way to change,  alter or improve your perspective,  is to change  your POV. You need to change where you are.

[Emma1017]

Hi Complete:

I am an older person at 63 years of age and I agree, as you mature, versus aging, you begin to appreciate inner beauty, you accept you are never going to be 25 again and looks are not as important.

I also have an advantage (I hope forever) that I have a 44 year relationship so I never have the additional pain that Kim describes regarding intimate relationships (my thread has dwelt on a different pain that it has caused).

I just started HRT at 63 years of age.  I have never gotten to be a women, young or old, yet.  I agree with others who have said that starting HRT is like going through puberty again, which means I will be hung up on how I look for a while.

I love one of the treads asking if people like wearing a bra and the one response, similar to yours, was once the novelty wears off so does the thrill.  I have heard my wife ask me why I want to be a woman, telling me that its not much fun.  Make up isn't fun for her and many feminine elements that I have spent a lifetime desiring, is boring to her.

You are right, over time presentation will become increasingly less important.

I look forward to that day because it means I have been a woman long enough.   

Best regards,

Emma

[Zoey421]

Hi Kim, I appreciated the support you gave me from the first day I came to this site. I am only 3 months into my journey and I'm not sure what I can say that will be helpful. What I have learned, from you and others, is to love yourself. You are emotionally, mentally, and legally a woman. Your avatar says the same. There are many cis women who over 6 feet tall with larger features. Does that make them any less female? NO!! Does having smaller breasts make you less of a woman? NO!!

Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Do these things by accepting you inward and outward appearances.

I understand the need for an emotional connection with another person, male or female (female in my case). I lived in a loveless marriage for nearly a decade, devoid of contact, sexual relations, and emotional support. I don't think to be a transwoman has to lead to a lonely life devoid of comfort and contact with others. Maybe it is a coincidence these feelings became stronger after your transition. While you have transitioned successfully perhaps you need to examine the underlying "why" you believe you are not a sexual person as much as you would like.

This is hard work, maybe harder than transitioning, because we are fighting an external world that tells us how to love our selves, what we should look, how we should behave and for a transwoman these are confounding messages. How are we, as transwomen, supposed to behave in a sexual relationship? Will someone love us?

I can tell you are a strong woman, a loving, caring, and supportive woman who helps others to navigate a path you traveled. But, your path is still before you, reaching into the distance.

We are here to support you as you supported us.

Love all of yourself, Kim. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. You will work through this and come out stronger.

Hugs Zoey xoxoxo

[KimOct]

Zoey I can't think of a person that I have met that came into this experience more mentally prepared than you did.  You have amazing insight for someone so early in this journey.

Being intelligent and insightful in general does not always prepare someone for this path because this path is so different than most in life. 

Thank you for sharing.

[Zoey421]

Zoey I can't think of a person that I have met that came into this experience more mentally prepared than you did.  You have amazing insight for someone so early in this journey.

Being intelligent and insightful in general does not always prepare someone for this path because this path is so different than most in life. 

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you, Kim. It has been 13 years since my major depressive episode and i have built many tools to manage my mental health.

The most important tool is understanding my perspective of situations. I know I don't pass, I look like a man in women's clothes (although today the FedEx driver asked my name because I think she thought I was someone else besides me ... maybe Bruce's girlfriend  ... i can only hope).

But, and this is important to me, I know this is me, how I want to look, and I feel 100% better. People will judge me and I can't control that. I love myself more today than 3 months ago.

Continue to be kind, continue to be true to yourself and people will forget you are a transwoman and rather a woman who is being kind and generous.

You will find a soul mate ... let serendipity guide you.

We are here to support you as you have supported us.

Many hugs, Zoey  xoxoxo

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

[tgirlamg]

Kim!!!

My Precious Little Sister....

I saw this shortly after you posted and wanted to let my thoughts for you... coalesce a bit because I KNOW that you know.. I could probably expound on the subject to the point that my typing fingers would wear down to the bone...

I started to type a couple times today and there is just too much rattling around in there because, you are speaking to that one big hurdle that must be faced... and cleared, with the proper perspective...if one wishes to make a success of this thing we call transition... I will keep trying to condense what I want to say so it is shorter than a Tolstoy novel but, in the mean time...feel free to call me on the phone... this is big stuff... this is important stuff... that effects us all and our abililityto move forward in a positive way...


and Yes!!!... I believe perspective and self acceptance are at the heart of the methodologyfor clearing this hurdle!!! And... YES!!! I believe you will find True Love in your lifetime... My husband told me... If God made a woman like me... He made a man who would Love her


Hugs and Love!

A🙋‍♀️💕🌻

[Zoey421]

I believe you will find True Love in your lifetime... My husband told me... If God made a woman like me... He made a man who would Love her.

I am crying ...

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

[KimOct]

Ashley I almost typed his name in this note oops TMI    What he said was about the sweetest thing I ever heard. My eyes are moist. 

Yeah lets get on the phone Tues or Wed.  The reason I replied here rather than text you is that I wanted to show other people new to this site that yes you make real friends here.  Is there time enough in the day for us to all know each other off the forum?  Obviously not but sometimes you just make a connection here whether you are the helper or the helpee.
( I am such an idiot  )  Helpee LOL

Ashley I mentioned in another posting that my therapist told me I am at the 'showdown".  I think you are both right.
As always thanks !!!!! 
Talk to you in a day or two. 

[tgirlamg]

Ashley I almost typed his name in this note oops TMI    What he said was about the sweetest thing I ever heard. My eyes are moist. 

Yeah lets get on the phone Tues or Wed.  The reason I replied here rather than text you is that I wanted to show other people new to this site that yes you make real friends here.  Is there time enough in the day for us to all know each other off the forum?  Obviously not but sometimes you just make a connection here whether you are the helper or the helpee.
( I am such an idiot  )  Helpee LOL

Ashley I mentioned in another posting that my therapist told me I am at the 'showdown".  I think you are both right.
As always thanks !!!!! 
Talk to you in a day or two.

I will be here!!! Talk to ya soon Sis!!!

A❤️🌻🙋‍♀️