How do I stop cross dressing?

[jameswhiteshine]

Hi Everyone,

                       I am a biological male who identifies as a woman, however, I still present as a male. In order for me to present and pass as a male, I have been growing out my facial hair as well. I don't have any issues presenting as a male when I have some facial hair but whenever I lose it, I step into the androgynous territory and look femme without any makeup. I am in my early 20s and I am just trying to postpone my transition even though I badly want to do that. I need to establish myself in the job market and hopefully get a permanent resident status in my country of residence before I eventually transition. The problem here is I cross-dress everyday in private and I can't just help it. Not to mention the dysphoria that hits back hard when I go back to presenting as a male. Is there a way to stop this? The last time I did this and went to self-denial, it only came back with more intensity.

- Jimmy

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Everyone,

                       I am a biological male who identifies as a woman, however, I still present as a male. In order for me to present and pass as a male, I have been growing out my facial hair as well. I don't have any issues presenting as a male when I have some facial hair but whenever I lose it, I step into the androgynous territory and look femme without any makeup. I am in my early 20s and I am just trying to postpone my transition even though I badly want to do that. I need to establish myself in the job market and hopefully get a permanent resident status in my country of residence before I eventually transition. The problem here is I cross-dress everyday in private and I can't just help it. Not to mention the dysphoria that hits back hard when I go back to presenting as a male. Is there a way to stop this? The last time I did this and went to self-denial, it only came back with more intensity.

- Jimmy

Hi Jimmy,

Fighting the inner woman head on will only make her stronger. You must find a way to live with her.  In 2017- for 12 months- I gave HRT away and tried to snap out of the dysphoria/transgender mindset.
It all came back with greater intensity. I found the key to not being consumed with it all is.
1. Maintain health & fitness.
2. Control or eliminate drinking or any drugs.
3.Have people or a friend you can talk to when needed. Total secrecy increases dysphoria.
4.Accept you have a feminine side.
5. Use the girl expression/dressing in a structured way to release the pent up angst(dysphoria).
6.Prescribed androgen blocker/estrogen can help if other methods arent enough.

How fast does your beard grow? Clean shaven and presenting female can be reversed by not shaving for 2 days and having manicured stubble.

You may already have plans to live as a woman in the future. Use that goal as a structured way to cope.

I know the inner woman can be relentless at times!

King regards, Kirsten.



Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

Hi Everyone,

                       I am a biological male who identifies as a woman, however, I still present as a male. In order for me to present and pass as a male, I have been growing out my facial hair as well. I don't have any issues presenting as a male when I have some facial hair but whenever I lose it, I step into the androgynous territory and look femme without any makeup. I am in my early 20s and I am just trying to postpone my transition even though I badly want to do that. I need to establish myself in the job market and hopefully get a permanent resident status in my country of residence before I eventually transition. The problem here is I cross-dress everyday in private and I can't just help it. Not to mention the dysphoria that hits back hard when I go back to presenting as a male. Is there a way to stop this? The last time I did this and went to self-denial, it only came back with more intensity.

- Jimmy

@jameswhiteshine
Dear Jimmy:
Here is my opinion about what you stated.  What you are describing is what a lot of transitioners go through as they start in their journey. 
You have the option to continue as you are doing or to start your MTF transitioning by seeing a gender therapist and a doctor to get started on HRT hormones, or if you desire you can stop cross-dressing if that is something you must do.
These decisions are yours to make alone.   A therapist and/or a gender therapist can help you to work through all of the issues that you brought up.

Again, this is all just my opinion...  seeing a gender therapist may be the best next move you could make.
Best wishes to you......
Danielle

[Janes Groove]

How do I stop cross dressing?

Well that's the million dollar question isn't it?  If you or anybody else knows the answer I'd be interested in hearing it. 

After 60 years of living I have yet to discover it.  One thing people try is to purge all their female clothes.  As you have discovered that doesn't work too good. I've have my share of purging only to start again.   I suspect the reason is because I'm a girl.

But I have had some success in managing it.   That  came thru acceptance and ultimately transition.

[Jessica]

Hi Everyone,

                       I am a biological male who identifies as a woman, however, I still present as a male. In order for me to present and pass as a male, I have been growing out my facial hair as well. I don't have any issues presenting as a male when I have some facial hair but whenever I lose it, I step into the androgynous territory and look femme without any makeup. I am in my early 20s and I am just trying to postpone my transition even though I badly want to do that. I need to establish myself in the job market and hopefully get a permanent resident status in my country of residence before I eventually transition. The problem here is I cross-dress everyday in private and I can't just help it. Not to mention the dysphoria that hits back hard when I go back to presenting as a male. Is there a way to stop this? The last time I did this and went to self-denial, it only came back with more intensity.

- Jimmy

One thought I have is due to the fact that even when you don't try to look feminine, you do, especially after shaving and you appear androgynous.  That is how you look now....Rock that. 
Present male all the same if you need to achieve what you need, but be able to be going in the direction that you appear to be headed. 
Are you able to get medical assistance where you are before you get the job market and residency issues solved?  If you do might I suggest seeking a gender therapist that can help you address the many thoughts you may have.  If you find you truly need to transition, it's always better when you are young like yourself.  Medications can halt many of the masculine traits that through time become pronounced and permanent without surgery.

As for your question....
I need to present male in my typical life.  The only male clothes I wear are my shoes...it's a size thing.  You can find women's clothes that look and feel good on you without blatantly being out of the male persona you need to be.
I save the dresses and the more frilly things when I am able to go out and about with friends, or in your case it would be in private.
That alone may be all you need at this time.

Good luck!  Jessica

[Lexi B]

Sounds ridiculous, but sometimes female clothes under male clothes makes all the difference in the world for me when I need to feel feminine. Especially panties and a bra (not that i need one)

Lol, now if I get in a car crash and they cut my clothes off, my "coming out" problem is solved too. It's a win-win.   

[jameswhiteshine]

Hi Jimmy,

Fighting the inner woman head on will only make her stronger. You must find a way to live with her.  In 2017- for 12 months- I gave HRT away and tried to snap out of the dysphoria/transgender mindset.
It all came back with greater intensity. I found the key to not being consumed with it all is.
1. Maintain health & fitness.
2. Control or eliminate drinking or any drugs.
3.Have people or a friend you can talk to when needed. Total secrecy increases dysphoria.
4.Accept you have a feminine side.
5. Use the girl expression/dressing in a structured way to release the pent up angst(dysphoria).
6.Prescribed androgen blocker/estrogen can help if other methods arent enough.

How fast does your beard grow? Clean shaven and presenting female can be reversed by not shaving for 2 days and having manicured stubble.

You may already have plans to live as a woman in the future. Use that goal as a structured way to cope.

I know the inner woman can be relentlss at times!

King regards, Kirsten.



Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I really need to get myself back in shape. I recently gained 20 pounds (in just 45 days) and I guess it's because of stress eating. I don't have a drinking or drug issue as I don't tend to go more than a couple of drinks a week. No one knows my feminine side yet. I remember telling my parents that I am infertile (possibly due to a chromosomal anomaly) and it literally broke the hell loose. I can only imagine how they would react if they were to know that I am trans. I would not say I came into terms with my feminine side completely. There's still some work left to do. I really tried to live life as a male but every single time I do that, I get hit by dysphoria pretty badly. I wouldn't say I am gender non-binary as I absolutely hate short hair and facial hair. I avoid looking at the mirror when I have facial hair! That should explain everything. I don't experience any pleasure from my male parts either. In the other hand, I am not 100% femme as well. I am kinda close to a tomboy than an effeminate man or a very feminine female. Fun fact: My estrogen levels are already in the range of young females but my testosterone levels are quite high as well. Two things that scream male in my face are my prominent nose and close eyebrows. I guess that's what makes me look androgynous instead of feminine when I get rid of my facial hair. My lips are prominent, my eyes are almond shaped, and my hairline is low with no male pattern baldness. I just feel my testosterone levels are just making me dysphoric.
My facial hair does not grow very fast, I need at least a week to get the stubble look. I do get a bit of beard shadow after a day and a half but you wouldn't notice until you look very close. That's because of my beige skin/black hair combination. I have always wondered if I passed because I knew I would judge myself well, so I did some random video chat (I regret that now) and no one clocked me. They all thought I was a ciswoman until I revealed myself to be a trans woman. I know I look feminine naturally which a lot of trans women would absolutely kill for but I am just ruining it by pretending to be someone else. I just hope my looks don't change drastically in the upcoming years as I strongly feel I should come out once I am independent and strong. I read somewhere that Canada is refusing PR applications on the basis of health conditions, I think being transgender would hurt my prospects. That is the number one reason why I still hold on to my male persona. I am a full-time student and I am extremely good in my field of study and this is the only thing that's moving me forward. My college is LGBTQ+ space and they even grant bursaries to LGBTQ+ students every year but if I come out now (I really want to), it would be like shooting myself in the foot as my chances of getting permanent residence after my graduation will be close to zero. If I could hold on for another 3 years (It's gonna feel like a lifetime), I might be in a better position. I am 22 now which I think is a perfect age for HRT but thinking about it only makes me feel hurt. I could share all these with my friends (some of them belong to the LGBTQ+ community) but I am too shy to do that. I ask myself everyday "Is this the worst thing that could happen to a person? People are homeless and Children die everyday from preventable diseases, and Do you really think your problem is worse than others?" and after that, I just feel ashamed. I forgot to disclose this earlier but chromosomal anomaly is known for causing Leukemia. So, I could get it anytime and who knows? I may not even live until my 40th birthday. That also reminds me Life is short but I am just in a tricky situation which can't be helped. The only positive thing is I am not in a relationship, so no strings attached! If I get a chance to sacrifice my life to save other lives, I would do it in a heart beat and that would be a great end to my miserable life.

[jameswhiteshine]

@jameswhiteshine
Dear Jimmy:
Here is my opinion about what you stated.  What you are describing is what a lot of transitioners go through as they start in their journey. 
You have the option to continue as you are doing or to start your MTF transitioning by seeing a gender therapist and a doctor to get started on HRT hormones, or if you desire you can stop cross-dressing if that is something you must do.
These decisions are yours to make alone.   A therapist and/or a gender therapist can help you to work through all of the issues that you brought up.

Again, this is all just my opinion...  seeing a gender therapist may be the best next move you could make.
Best wishes to you......
Danielle

I agree! That could be the best possible move I could make but once I get diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, my chances of getting permanent residence will be close to zero. I don't know why but the healthcare system here assumes that every trans woman undergoes SRS and it's funded by the provinces (good thing for people who are already PRs and citizens) but a terrible thing for those who aspire to become PRs (permanent residents) as it will be used against them at the time of application. So, it's a shame that I can't get the help I need because of a glitch in the system

[jameswhiteshine]

Well that's the million dollar question isn't it?  If you or anybody else knows the answer I'd be interested in hearing it. 

After 60 years of living I have yet to discover it.  One thing people try is to purge all their female clothes.  As you have discovered that doesn't work too good. I've have my share of purging only to start again.   I suspect the reason is because I'm a girl.

But I have had some success in managing it.   That  came thru acceptance and ultimately transition.

I did purge my female clothes back in 2012 when I was living away from my family and guess what? It only came back stronger. I can't really believe it's been 7 years since then. All I know is that I am fighting a losing battle.

[jameswhiteshine]

One thought I have is due to the fact that even when you don't try to look feminine, you do, especially after shaving and you appear androgynous.  That is how you look now....Rock that. 
Present male all the same if you need to achieve what you need, but be able to be going in the direction that you appear to be headed. 
Are you able to get medical assistance where you are before you get the job market and residency issues solved?  If you do might I suggest seeking a gender therapist that can help you address the many thoughts you may have.  If you find you truly need to transition, it's always better when you are young like yourself.  Medications can halt many of the masculine traits that through time become pronounced and permanent without surgery.

As for your question....
I need to present male in my typical life.  The only male clothes I wear are my shoes...it's a size thing.  You can find women's clothes that look and feel good on you without blatantly being out of the male persona you need to be.
I save the dresses and the more frilly things when I am able to go out and about with friends, or in your case it would be in private.
That alone may be all you need at this time.

Good luck!  Jessica

I can't really seek any help before I have my residency issues sorted out because once I get formally diagnosed with GID or even if I sought counselling for this, I would have to disclose it in my permanent residency application as it will be in their system. Not doing so will be misrepresentation and that will just result in a ban from the country and disclosing it means they will use it against me at the time of ITA (Invitation to Apply). They will reject the application by stating that I would be a burden in the Universal Healthcare System.

[jameswhiteshine]

Sounds ridiculous, but sometimes female clothes under male clothes makes all the difference in the world for me when I need to feel feminine. Especially panties and a bra (not that i need one)

Lol, now if I get in a car crash and they cut my clothes off, my "coming out" problem is solved too. It's a win-win.   

I used to do it until I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Luckily, I was not wearing bra on that particular day. To me, it is not about feeling feminine because I feel feminine all the time and I just don't know how to stop it for the time being.

[LizK]

Hi Jimmy

I hear you loud and clear....I can remember being asked to wait as I had told my wife I wanted to transition when I was in my mid 30's. I was quietly going crazy and had drunk myself into a chronic illness that left me in pain 24/7. This in itself kept things at bay for awhile but it always came back stronger.

She asked if I could wait till the kids were older. So I tried....I grew a moustache. This made it very difficult for me to get any relief from cross dressing. The only issue is that I found myself pulling out the hairs with my teeth so I ended up with a very patchy moustache that looked odd. In the end I would become desperate and shave it off and regrow it a few days later after cross dressing for a few days. This pattern slowed  down and I eventually became  depressed and from there things spiralled down to my eventual crisis.

Trying to manage this is very difficult but the things that helped me were keeping busy/distracted and actually planning my cross dressing out. If I had a firm date that I knew I could get relief I could hang on till then. I would look forward to these "dressing" events and they helped me when I was feeling particularly dysphoric as I would use visualisation to help me. I wasn't able to keep it under wraps for long but long enough for my kids to get to 20 and 21. I paid a price for this...it took its toll on my psychologically and physically. I did underdress for awhile and this also helped but the fear of getting caught eventually stopped me.

I hope you can manage it for the time you need too.

Liz



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[Janes Groove]

I get it.  You fear that your PR application status will be effected by transition and also your status as a student. 

It would probably be smart to talk to an attorney recommended by the LGBT community who specializes in foreign born PR seekers.  They would be able to advise you as to the things you need to be doing right now to protect your PR application status and your discussions with them would be protected under attorney/client privilege.

[jameswhiteshine]

Hi Jimmy

I hear you loud and clear....I can remember being asked to wait as I had told my wife I wanted to transition when I was in my mid 30's. I was quietly going crazy and had drunk myself into a chronic illness that left me in pain 24/7. This in itself kept things at bay for awhile but it always came back stronger.

She asked if I could wait till the kids were older. So I tried....I grew a moustache. This made it very difficult for me to get any relief from cross dressing. The only issue is that I found myself pulling out the hairs with my teeth so I ended up with a very patchy moustache that looked odd. In the end I would become desperate and shave it off and regrow it a few days later after cross dressing for a few days. This pattern slowed  down and I eventually became  depressed and from there things spiralled down to my eventual crisis.

Trying to manage this is very difficult but the things that helped me were keeping busy/distracted and actually planning my cross dressing out. If I had a firm date that I knew I could get relief I could hang on till then. I would look forward to these "dressing" events and they helped me when I was feeling particularly dysphoric as I would use visualisation to help me. I wasn't able to keep it under wraps for long but long enough for my kids to get to 20 and 21. I paid a price for this...it took its toll on my psychologically and physically. I did underdress for awhile and this also helped but the fear of getting caught eventually stopped me.

I hope you can manage it for the time you need too.

Liz



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thanks for sharing, Liz. It means a lot and I appreciate it. I can only imagine the amount of pain you would have had to endure before you can eventually be yourself. I did something similar when I used to live with my family, they pressurized me to keep my moustache which by the way is nothing more than very fine black facial hair. It looked ugly on me and made me want to put the double edge razor over my carotid artery to end the misery. Now that I don't live with them, I'm free to get the closest shave that I can get and I don't know what it is but it just makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I still hate that I see a tiny bit of shadow because of the contrast created by the combination of my skin color and hair color. I am thinking of getting laser but I am not too sure if I would be an ideal candidate as my skin is type 3 ish in Fitzpatrick scale. Since my facial hair is very fine, I don't think I would really need electrolysis. I have never had any drinking issues but it seems like I am binge eating nowadays because of the stress and dysphoria. I guess I should take an action before it's too late.

With Love,
Jimmy

[jameswhiteshine]

I get it.  You fear that your PR application status will be effected by transition and also your status as a student. 

It would probably be smart to talk to an attorney recommended by the LGBT community who specializes in foreign born PR seekers.  They would be able to advise you as to the things you need to be doing right now to protect your PR application status and your discussions with them would be protected under attorney/client privilege.

Thank you for the advice, Janes. It sounds like a great idea. The only issue is I am still a student and I hardly make my ends meet. So, I think I won't be able to do this until I get my first full-time job which is probably a couple of months away from now. I am thinking of talking to my college counselors. As far as I understand, they keep your information confidential as long as it does not involve breaking the law and they can't make a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria without referring me to a therapist. This process could take a while here and I might be able to get a legal opinion before that. Depending upon the legal opinion, I have to make the right decision. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable talking to people about my feelings. I don't know if it's internal transphobia  or shame but I just don't feel like talking about it to anyone including the counselors even I know that it will be confidential. The reason why I so feel comfortable sharing all these info here is because of the anonymity. I hate to sound like a coward but if anyone went through a phase similar to what I am going through now, your input will be much appreciated. I feel like I have a lot at stake and one wrong move could screw up everything.