Having a rough day

[Lexi B]

 I don't know what's wrong with me today.

I started happily scrolling through before and after transition photos of different people today. It amazes me how great so many look! The happiness on their pretty faces said it all.

But now I'm really down. I can't help wonder where my life would be I'd had the courage to embrace who I am a long, long time ago.

My life is, for the most part, pretty good. I'm married to a great lady whom I consider my best friend. And I have two awesome sons. But they would never understand this. Everything I've done in my life is so masculine - military, college sports, being a firefighter and a cop. But I've been hiding one of the biggest parts of me.

I guess I always hoped 'Lexi' would just go away when I got married and started real adulting. Stupid, huh. But there just weren't the resources available 20 years ago.

And these days I feel... stuck. I don't want to hurt my family. I love them all so much. My wife isn't just my best friend, she also one of my few friends. I can't do this without her, but she is ULTRA conservative and likely won't be ok with a transition. Furthermore, Amy cousin is trans (FtM). I saw how my parents reacted. 🙁

Over the years I've struggled with anxiety and my police job came with the benefit of lifelong PTSD. So, the anxiety I'm feeling today isn't new. But this trigger is.

I don't mean to ramble. I'm just trying to talk myself down at the moment and need a "it'll be okay." I don't really want to cry sitting here at work

[LizK]

I guess I always hoped 'Lexi' would just go away when I got married and started real adulting. Stupid, huh. But there just weren't the resources available 20 years ago.

And these days I feel... stuck. I don't want to hurt my family. I love them all so much. My wife isn't just my best friend, she also one of my few friends. I can't do this without her, but she is ULTRA conservative and likely won't be ok with a transition. Furthermore, Amy cousin is trans (FtM). I saw how my parents reacted. 🙁

......

Hi Lexi

I think many of us have been down that road...get married have a few kids that will just "sort me out". I felt the same way and took the same path so I get what you mean.

When you are feeling this way it can be hard to see where to go...maybe get some therapy to help you see where you need to go.

I remember hoping that puberty would make it all go away...nope....then it was maybe if I drink enough of this stuff it will all go away...Nope...distracting myself helped in the short term

I hope you can find some peace around this....it can really bring you down badly.

Liz

[Lexi B]

 Thank you Liz! I'm sure the things that are troubling me are common amongst other trans people. My cousin was smart - he began his transition from female to male at age 18, before he committed to a life as a wife or mother. I truly admire him and wish I'd had his courage at such a young age.

I think you're right about therapy. Heck, just the things I've seen from 25 years as a cop would suggest therapy is a good idea. (Side note: sometimes I feel like my ultra masculine career paths are an attempt to further flee from Lexi) I'm just not sure where to turn or who to consult. And I'm still in the national guard, so idk what impact therapy would have on my military career.

I'm a mess. :/

[LizK]

Thank you Liz! I'm sure the things that are troubling me are common amongst other trans people. My cousin was smart - he began his transition from female to male at age 18, before he committed to a life as a wife or mother. I truly admire him and wish I'd had his courage at such a young age.

I think you're right about therapy. Heck, just the things I've seen from 25 years as a cop would suggest therapy is a good idea. (Side note: sometimes I feel like my ultra masculine career paths are an attempt to further flee from Lexi) I'm just not sure where to turn or who to consult. And I'm still in the national guard, so idk what impact therapy would have on my military career.

I'm a mess. :/

@Lexi B

Hi Lexi

Motorcycles were my thing....the bigger and the faster the better. I think your comment

(Side note: sometimes I feel like my ultra masculine career paths are an attempt to further flee from Lexi)

is very insightful. We all have our ways of coping and not all of them healthy. I drank myself into a chronic illness trying to mask by GD and general unhappiness with my life. This can be a very big deal if left to fester on its own. I hope you can find your way forward. have you considered a low dose HRT or antiandrogen and see if that helps? It doesn't always but some have found it useful.

Liz

[Lexi B]

Liz-

I totally understand with motorcycles. I spent a lot of time on the myself, from dirt bikes to Harleys. And after my first major psychological trauma as a cop (details painful and not worth reliving at the moment) I too, went head first into the bottle and coupled it with a ton of self destructive behavior. But I pulled out of that nose dive after a few years. Slowed my drinking to what it is today - special occasions and usually only a couple of beers.

And I met her. My best friend. My wife. The lady who makes me want to be a better person. I'm so weary from living this lie. I want her in on this, but the risk of her leaving is unbearable.

HRT might be a good idea.  During a recent physical I had my testosterone levels tested  It was 798. Before I got those results I had to stop taking a workout supplement with  T booster. It was making me angry. I was hoping more T would push Lexi away. (Lol as you can see, Lexi is quite resilient and determined. I love her and hate her for that)

[LizK]

I had really low T and my last ditch effort before I sought therapy to finally deal with Liz was to have Testosterone injections....that is about as close as my wife has ever come to divorcing me....I hated everyone and my GD went through the roof. I hated every second of every day and the poor souls around ne got to pay for that...I committed to three months and eventually made it through two before I refused to have anymore...it was a horrible experience...

[Lexi B]

Wow!! So your injected T made your GD worse. Up until now, I would've thought the opposite to be true - that low T would exacerbate dysphoria.

Well, 798 is pretty high. If I recall correctly, the scoring went to 800.

I'm gonna find a therapist. Maybe consider AA and/or HRT. Seems like the only down side is it doesn't work to address my anxiety. Well, and maybe boobs I'm not yet ready for. Lol

[Kirsteneklund7]

I also tried T to cure myself- had the opposite effect. Maintaining a female hormone profile is good for peace of mind and a stable serene self.

Being with a woman did cure me for a long time from wanting to BE a woman.
My wife rocks - even though she dislkes me dressing as a woman.

I still love women and my wife. I have 2 sons who I take shooting and fishing. They are 10 and 9 years old and drive the 4x4 and drive the boat for me.

They have seen me in dresses and makeup many times. They know I have a feminine side yet they like to be young men.

By the grace of god let this >-bleeped-<fight work out !

Yours truly, Kirsten.

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[Lexi B]

I also tried T to cure myself- had the opposite effect. Maintaining a female hormone profile is good for peace of mind and a stable serene self.

Being with a woman did cure me for a long time from wanting to BE a woman.
My wife rocks - even though she dislkes me dressing as a woman.

I still love women and my wife. I have 2 sons who I take shooting and fishing. They are 10 and 9 years old and drive the 4x4 and drive the boat for me.

They have seen me in dresses and makeup many times. They know I have a feminine side yet they like to be young men.

By the grace of god let this >-bleeped-<fight work out !

Yours truly, Kirsten.

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Wow Kirsten!! It's awesome you have such a relationship with you wife and sons. Actually, your  situation sounds a lot like mine but my sons are a bit older- both teenagers. We are the outdoorsy types too- fishing, shooting, and I coached both their football and baseball teams.

In the last few months I'm been dropping hints to my wife - allowing her to see my feminine side. Things like shaving my body. Moisturizing. Leggings around the house "because the are comfortable." This morning I joked about wearing her underwear for "support in the gym."  I could take a direct approach, but I think it would be like crashing a plane. I prefer a more slow, controlled approach - like an emergency landing.

How did you let your wife into your life as Kirsten?

[Faith]

There is a lot in your post (op) that I can relate to, I'll stick to forum browsing. YES! Some (most?) of my worst triggers are right here on Susan's. I avoid most threads with a quick 'mark as read', I simply cannot view them. After some time, in weak moments, I'll open some again. I want to see how some whose posts I recognize are doing. It reminds me severely why I stay out of the threads.

It's not the people and not their progress. I am happy and thrilled for each and every one. No. My issue is with myself and my own perception of self. Their recounting(s) and their photos dig deep into me to find my darkness and bring it to the front. I am not trying to alienate people here. I'd love to here from them. I just cannot read their postings most days.

When I do manage to read, I have to close the topic without replying. I cannot keep it open in front of me .. time to move on. So, I continue to avoid. It is not them, it is me. Some day, maybe, I'll be happy enough with myself to share in their joy without having my world end for a day, or 2, or 3, ...

I have a very supportive family, all of my issues are within me.

[Devlyn]

Hi Lexi! I'd just crash that plane, but we're all different. 

I see that you're a veteran, why don't you stop by our veterans thread, Roll Call!

Hugs, Devlyn

[TonyaW]

I had really low T and my last ditch effort before I sought therapy to finally deal with Liz was to have Testosterone injections....that is about as close as my wife has ever come to divorcing me....I hated everyone and my GD went through the roof. I hated every second of every day and the poor souls around ne got to pay for that...I committed to three months and eventually made it through two before I refused to have anymore...it was a horrible experience...

Wow!! So your injected T made your GD worse. Up until now, I would've thought the opposite to be true - that low T would exacerbate dysphoria.

Well, 798 is pretty high. If I recall correctly, the scoring went to 800.

I'm gonna find a therapist. Maybe consider AA and/or HRT. Seems like the only down side is it doesn't work to address my anxiety. Well, and maybe boobs I'm not yet ready for. Lol

Wow!! So your injected T made your GD worse. Up until now, I would've thought the opposite to be true - that low T would exacerbate dysphoria.

Well, 798 is pretty high. If I recall correctly, the scoring went to 800.

I'm gonna find a therapist. Maybe consider AA and/or HRT. Seems like the only down side is it doesn't work to address my anxiety. Well, and maybe boobs I'm not yet ready for. Lol

Not surprising to me that higher T caused dysphoria. I believe testosterone to be toxic to a female brain.

My levels weren't low so didn't get a prescription, but I tried an herbal testosterone supplement in my last ditch effort to push the desire to be female down for ever. Lasted about 2 months then came back as bad as ever. That's also when I sought out a therapist to help me figure it out.


I had wondered about being trans but something always made me think i was not. Eventually I came to the realization that all the things I thought of a "guy stuff" that I liked to do, it was possible to do as female and no reason I couldn't. Golf probably my biggest thing.

I also realized that the reason I wanted to be a girl my whole life was because I am one. Once knowing that I had to try transitioning. I know some here are able to choose a different path and not transition, but that was not me.

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[Kirsteneklund7]

Wow Kirsten!! It's awesome you have such a relationship with you wife and sons. Actually, your  situation sounds a lot like mine but my sons are a bit older- both teenagers. We are the outdoorsy types too- fishing, shooting, and I coached both their football and baseball teams.

In the last few months I'm been dropping hints to my wife - allowing her to see my feminine side. Things like shaving my body. Moisturizing. Leggings around the house "because the are comfortable." This morning I joked about wearing her underwear for "support in the gym."  I could take a direct approach, but I think it would be like crashing a plane. I prefer a more slow, controlled approach - like an emergency landing.

How did you let your wife into your life as Kirsten?

At the start I tried asking my wife about dressing now and then as a woman - she didnt answer and kept changing the subject. I bought some dresses online, some female friends passed on old skirts, I visited op-shops, I outright bought bras and womens clothes over the counter. Shopping for Kirsten is  a nerve wracking experience!
I introduced clothes bit by bit at home. First a sarong after a swim in the pool. Then womens tops, then t-shirt dress, then casual dress or maxidress, then makeup - THEN DOMESTIC ARGUMENT then toned things down.
After work I dress in a top & skirt most days.
My wife doesnt like to call me Kirsten.
She only uses my male name even en femme. She doesnt really like it when I am presenting too feminine.
Not a perfect scenario but I am surviving.

Best wishes and luck with your female self!

Kirsten.[emoji140][emoji151][emoji168][emoji147][emoji156]

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[Iztaccihuatl]

In the last few months I'm been dropping hints to my wife - allowing her to see my feminine side. Things like shaving my body. Moisturizing. Leggings around the house "because the are comfortable." This morning I joked about wearing her underwear for "support in the gym."  I could take a direct approach, but I think it would be like crashing a plane. I prefer a more slow, controlled approach - like an emergency landing.

I tried the exact same approach, i.e. letting my hair and nails grow out, full body shave, lotions, wearing rings,... My wife figured that something[\i] was up,  it didn't reach the right conclusions. Later when I came out to her as trans I learned that she was thinking I was gay or bisexual, but being trans just never crossed her mind.



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[Lexi B]

I tried the exact same approach, i.e. letting my hair and nails grow out, full body shave, lotions, wearing rings,... My wife figured that something[\i] was up,  it didn't reach the right conclusions. Later when I came out to her as trans I learned that she was thinking I was gay or bisexual, but being trans just never crossed her mind.

Honestly, I'd be ok with that conclusion in the short term. She's so ultra conservative— like Laura Ingram. If she'd accept me as gay or bi, trans wouldn't be an issue, I don't think.



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[Lexi B]

 
Not a perfect scenario but I am surviving.

Best wishes and luck with your female self!

Kirsten.[emoji140][emoji151][emoji168][emoji147][emoji156]

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Kirsten – I don't think any of our scenarios are perfect. But you seem determined and she clearly loves you. I'm happy for you. I hope she can adjust and find her peace with it

[Lexi B]

.


I had wondered about being trans but something always made me think i wasn't.


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I know the feeling. I don't know that I would call it denial, as much as I would say I had no exposure to trans people and didn't understand my feelings.

There was always so many things about me that were so masculine, that I thought being a trans girl was impossible. And then I read Kristen Beck's book "Warrior Princess." She was boy and as a Navy SEAL before transitioning. So many similarities ...

[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten – I don't think any of our scenarios are perfect. But you seem determined and she clearly loves you. I'm happy for you. I hope she can adjust and find her peace with it

Thank you so much Lexi.

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