Madison's Transition

[Monica]

You know, I've been there. Even recently. Loneliness is toxic, and it really digs at what and who you are sometimes. People are social animals, we need companionship. And if you're going through issues with natural hormones (whether you realize that's the issue or not) it can make you want to just crawl out of your skin and die.

For me, suicidal thoughts were a normal thing as a teenager. I think I liked some of the reaction I got from people by bringing it up. The shock and horror of it. The reassurances felt good, sometimes. But, I think other times, I was dead serious. I really did think it out. Scenarios down to the time of day, and how much property damage it would cause. I had this exercise I would do, where I wrote out suicide letters every so often addressed to the people I liked or thought about occasionally. Girls I might have had a thing for, or been with at one point in time, mainly. The occasional mentor.

But you know, talking about it really helps. Telling people how I fellt, and finding my safe spaces. Places I could go without risking the judgement of others. Sometimes, this was with or around other kids that were feeling the same way I was. There's something to be said for having people you can be miserable with. As long as you're all miserable together.

I was into cutting and burning for a while. I still do it sometimes, when I'm feeling totally stressed out and overwhelmed. Not advocating it, just sayin'.

I don't want to tell you it gets better, because that's a stupid cliche, and everybody says it. It's like the first thing that people who aren't really serious tell you when they don't really care. But it does. All you gotta do is keep communicating. Get it all out. If nothing else, it gives you time to reflect, which is positive. Nobody here is going to judge you.

[Madison2002]

@Swanson I won't comment one way or the other. I do like to embrace nihilism, but the warmth I get from my family every time I fall back down keeps me carrying on somehow...

@Sophia thanks for sharing your experience. Im going to keep popping the HRT pills and see what happens...

@Monica thanks. I'm going to get some sleep and I'll try venting some more tomorrow.

[Janes Groove]

That's not nice.

What's nice got to do with it?  You're feeling suicidal and drugging.  That combination doesn't end well.  You need help.  Not enabling.
I say this from experience.  I tried to kill myself in 1984 when I was EXACTLY where you are now.

[Monica]

We've all been there. I don't think there's anyone here that hasn't. Sort of comes with the territory. People cope in different ways. You survived, she'll be fine. But it is a sensitive topic.

[Kylo]

I've never had any goals in life, aside from wanting to be pretty, and attractive to others. I feel like my sexual market value will be depleted by then, even if I can passably transition.

There is more to life than being eye candy for others. It's up to you to find out what that is though. Try new things and see if you can find enjoyment in them. Sometimes you don't know what really fires you up until you encounter it. So try things. 

However the idea that suicide is an inevitability is not a new or horrifying concept to me. I've always felt I could survive anything except if someday my conscience decides it's had enough. This is because I have a "me vs the world" mentality and life has always felt a battleground. I'll never give in to "other people" or to what "life" throws at me. I'm here out of biological autonomy and/or spite for how irritating life has been. But I have no defenses if I decide someday I'm my own enemy.

Or if I decide one day I'm bored of living. Which might happen. I get the feeling when it happens I will know and nothing will stop it. It doesn't upset me though. I'm not here for much other than to experience a few more things before it's time to go, and to see if I can learn a few more things or see things from other perspectives. Or experience a few ambitions happen. I think there's only so far a person can go on their own before they need others to enrich their life. I think I pretty much know all about myself, unless there's some new depths of personal torment life has to show me.   

[Alice (nym)]

I am coming to this late... sorry.

As a teenager, I always thought that I would not live to reach 30. I was already to go when I was 17/18... wrote my note, passed it to a former friend, was all set for ending it that night on my way home from work. But a complete stranger intervened, she expressed that she was concerned for me and invited me to join her group of friends if I was feeling lonely. She saved me life.

Now I am in my 40s. Life hasn't been easy but it has given me some wonderful experiences. I still fight depression on a daily basis. I'm not suicidal because I know there are people in the world who care about me, even if they don't show it always. I went to my local trans group last October and it was one of the best things to happen in my life. Once more, a group of complete strangers showing me compassion and caring about me. A group of people who have since become dear friends and who understand exactly where I am now in my life.

I don't have any money to buy clothes, a wig, or make up... I barely have enough to put a roof over my head and pay for food... but nobody judges me for presenting male. They understand. It takes me time to buy things, but eventually I got myself an outfit together of sorts... it means wearing the same clothes every Tuesday night but again, nobody judges.

It is a wonderful space to spend 2 hours chatting and most of the time nothing to do with trans issues. But when you need information or support, they are there to give it. However, it is just lovely to meet up with friends and have a chat.

And yes, for a while, I had internal transphobia to cope with... you don't spend 40+ years hiding from the world and suddenly feel comfortable being open about being trans. It took me a while to be comfortable being seen in public with members of the group and I beat myself up a lot about that. I've never felt being so ashamed of myself. But nobody judges... most of them have had to deal with the same fears. Now I am fine and being at the group and visiting the group weekly helped me overcome that internal transphobia and helped me become more comfortable about myself and being with my people, my friends. It takes time but you get there in the end.

So what I am trying to say in a very long winded way (because that's who I am, why say a few words when you can write a novel?)... is get yourself to your local trans meeting. Hopefully you will find a bunch of wonderful people like I did. A group of people that I'm proud to call friends. But give it time... these things don't happen over night. The first meeting you will likely be sitting in a corner trying to hide... I've heard that most groups (mine included) will have people who will come to you and help you feel more comfortable and accepted while giving you your space to assess what is happening.

It will help you socialise with people, give you a support network, and give you some friends so that you don't feel lonely all the time.

The other thing I can't recommend enough, is take up hiking for a hobby. Start off small, just go for a one mile walk every day as part of an exercise regime... you will have to force yourself to do it. After a month, double it to two miles. Then start doing 5 miles once a week. After 3 months, get yourself some decent footwear and a backpack, it doesn't have to be expensive... you can add gear as you go... the important thing is to get outdoors and walking. Start small and build your way up. After a year, try and get out once a week for a whole day. Once you've built up the fitness, you don't need to go every day. Honestly, you will feel the benefits. It is better than any drug they give you.

But in the meanwhile, if you ever need to chat to someone, you can pm me here. I am more than happy to be your friend but I would urge you to find your local trans group and attend meetings. It will take time to get to know people, but you will. One last thing, there will be people there who you are first don't like much and it will appear that they don't like you either... give it time... you will be surprised. Remember you have walls up protecting you, and so do some of the people at the group... eventually those walls will come down and friends will be made.

love and hugs
Alice 🐰

[Madison2002]

Can a mod please change the title of this thread to something more uplifting please? Like "Madison's Transition".

Suicide doesn't feel like an inevitability anymore. The apathy sort of gave way to bittersweet sadness. Estrogen has made me emotionally needy lately, especially with the knowledge that I'll be graduating college in a few months. I used to be completely content doing solitary activities, but now I feel the need to spend all of my time with my grandparents and friends and bond with them. I get lonely now, which never really happened before. All the emotions are real :' )

But yeah, this is my journal entry for today.

[Dena]

Ask and you get retitled 

[Madison2002]

Mkay, well I wasn't expecting for my boobs to get this big this fast. Now I have an existential crisis every night when I choke down these green things...

[Swanson777]

Oh I love your post. I can relate to so much of it. I'm also constantly suicidal. But after some attempts I've discovered that suicide is a really, really hard thing to actually pull off. The body wants to live. You want to live. I want to live, every cell of our corporeal tangible body-essence simply wants to live.

It doesn't care about money, status, or power, it wants to live simply for the sake of being alive.

With that in mind... money, status, social media status, or power doesn't have any influence on the fact that regardless of my self-loathing and my shame, at the end of the day, my body wants a good workout, a good meal, and enough stimulation so that I ought to go to sleep peacefully and see another day.

When I simplify things to food-money-shelter, it becomes much easier.

I always remember that I could always commit suicide, I have what I need to do it but there's no rush. If I can embrace a surreal form of femininity and fall in love with what I see in the mirror, than why not go through with it, completely, even to an extreme, before  I embrace my death? Suicidal feelings can open all sorts of new doors,

So just like you, I am suicidal but I realize that there is so much fun to be had and and so much entertainment in the world, so why rush it? Just take it slow and enjoy my radical embrace of femininity, and see where it takes me, for better or for worse. I could always kill myself eventually but there's no need to instantaneously jump to that conclusion, you dig what I'm saying???

[Madison2002]

Yuss, you are absolutely right about your cells screaming to live. Those bastards! They have it so easy, just sitting around  dividin' n' whatnot. Why can't I just be conscious of some random striated muscle cell in my left arm or something? All I'd have to do then is expand n' contract a lil bit. Sure, there's some glycolysis, Kreb's cycle crap to deal with, but for the most part I could just chill out and homeostase all day, and let the big bitch upstairs keep her gender dysphoria crap.