How/when did you know you were transgender

[Jeal]

So I've always known since I was 2 years old that I was transgender (even if I didn't have a name for it)... but I've always struggled to suppress it and keep it hidden. Now I am struggling on what to do about it. My doubts are not about who I am, but what to do about it. I need to learn not to worry about what other people think of me and start worrying about myself but that is easier to say than do when you've kept it hidden for so long. It is very difficult.

Alice,

I understand the suppression/repression, as I am intimately familiar with it.  You amaze me in that you have come to terms with it despite the hostility of your environment.  I live in a very progressive part of the country, and although my parents are toxic, they at least are accepting of my gender identity and transition, and it is still really hard for me!

It's corny, but I have to constantly remind myself that baby steps are fine, and that it is most important that I am moving forward, however slowly.

13-24 was my worst time as well.  I became almost completely emotionally numb after that point so life was easier, but flat and grey.

This was the kind of artwork I was making a year ago before starting to come out:


That was then, this is now


COLOR

[Linde]

Alice,


That was then, this is now


COLOR

I like both pieces!  I am always impressed when I see artwork, because I am as artsy as a dead rock!  I can't sing, I can't draw, I can't play an instrument, I am just a simple klutz!

But I enjoy art!

[Alice (nym)]

Oh wow, Jeal... that's really impressive. I used to draw in my teens but most of it wasn't original, just copying other people's work. I wrote a lot of really bad poetry.

I wrote this one when I was 17... one of many very similar and sometimes very long poems.

Prisoner of Life

I sit alone in a darkness that only my soul can see.
Gazing out into the still of the night,
My heart reaches out to touch you.
But you're not there for me.

No moon shines on this world, my world.
No stars in the sky, and no wind blows through the air.
There are no sounds, no sight, no feelings.
Just a deep sad lonely void.

And as I gaze out into your world,
My heart breaks and my pride lies shattered.
Tears roll softly down my cheeks,
Falling into an abyss of never ending sorrow.

The muffled breathing breaks the silence.
As I weep softly in this prison I've created.
Trapped in this room with nowhere to go.
Allowed nowhere, in fear of my life.

Am I resulted in staring out on the world,
Through the asylum of my soul?
My depression lives on with no hope of dying.
I dream of you night and day... [you = my female soul]

When you talk to me, I become transformed,
A phoenix from the ashes, a tree from winter.
I dance with joy that spreads and engulfs all.
My soul burns and the life flows through me.

Yet, I have to return, like the phoenix,
like the tree,
For I'm a prisoner of life, with no escape, and no death.

My poems never improved much... I wrote this one just two years ago...

The will to be free

How can we believe what we see, when watching the world on a tv screen
A letter box view told through camera angles represents only an editor's dream
People's imagination gathering dust in books sitting on shelves
But trapped in language how can we possibly seek to express ourselves

Violence errupts but only witnessed on the media's worthless pages of ink
Telling a fable but unworthy of Aesop, a political meaning we are led to think
To consider reality is absurb, nothing can be there what we see or hear, only what we create
Our ears interpret vibrations and our eyes reflect light but our mind is what governs our fate

What we acknowledge as true is different for everyone and yet we refer to it as the same
We are affraid to be ourselves and we're easily led, those who believe otherwise we label insane
Attaching meaning to words in making our judgement we worship the noun at the expense of the verb
Our political conscious governs what we thought we heard adding untold meaning to this or that word

The unintelligible rantings of those who think themselves sane shouting out their abusive hate
'Everyone is wrong but we know best', delude themselves that they can live their lives free of fate
But its not those who question the reality of their lives that should be considered among the mad
Rather the world we are conned into knowing when revealed leaves us feeling that we've all been had

And we sit blind in our selfishness believing the lies of those who preach we belong to a nation
How can we possibly be part of the collective when we have yet to find individual realisation
Hooked in these chains of conformity, herded by the social and our own discursive limitation
We tear at our flesh trying to break free but unaware of the bonds in our constructed imitation

Caught in the web of consumerism and industrial capitalism, to ourselves we are a slave
But the spinning spider is not the corporate giant nor society but our inability to be brave
It is impossible to demonstrate or find freedom in this world and there are no words to be said
Escaping the life we have created in our own minds can only be realised by becoming brain dead

Ahh... but reading other people's poems is boring as hell... so please forgive my indulgence. It is lovely to see your art so full of colour. Perhaps my poems will move away from dying inside when I finally realise my true self.

[Finding Lauren]

I should be craving sex with her, why did I just yearn for her?  Why would I destroy my life for this girl? 
I still wish we could trade bodies

Jeal,

Craving girls sometimes more than desiring to have sex with them is a new angle.  I may have felt that at times.  I also liked to extend the petting phase, not to get too serious.
My TG crisis happened entirely within my marriage, and that marriage somehow (lots of work) it survived.  We are even stronger now, unbelievably.
Making progress is the only thing that keeps me sane too.  That and now sharing with more people here.



Lauren

[Finding Lauren]

Hi Alice

Wow you took me back to my bullied years (grades 7 & .  I remember the panic, torment and fear.  I had a gang against me.  I cannot imagine facing that treatment for as long as you have.
I broke out of the cycle by facing them.  Ken the short evil manipulator was the leader, and directed a lot of my torment by his stronger gang members.  I decided to chase him down, no matter which gang member was after me.  It took 5 times, and a particularly fun capture of him alone, with a big black sharpie pertinent marker, before he backed the whole gang off. 
Many fights came to me outside that, but I was lucky to be strong enough, and fast enough to win every time.  My rage came out after the first couple of swings at me.  I hated fighting, but the bullying cycle would start over if I wasn't seen to be the winner.  My softer/confused personality attracted trouble, and well you took me back to that dark place.
One time my brother came running to my rescue.  That was priceless for the soul.
I wish we could be there to stand up for you girl.


Bruised, but not beaten,

Lauren

PS. I became so much more talkative and happy with everyone , after I came out secretly to my wife.  It let so much internal pressure off.

[Finding Lauren]

Hi again Jeal,

The before and after artwork is so expressive, and so good.  Both give me familiar TG feelings. 
The creativity I wrote of that comes with a TG mind is clear. 
TG may be weird to deal with, but it's also weirdly a gift.
Can I ask, would you press the classic magic button if you could be cis and normal, but have less creativity, IQ and appreciation of feminine things?  I couldn't lose that much.

A hug for the artist,

Lauren

[Jeal]

Hi again Jeal,

The before and after artwork is so expressive, and so good.  Both give me familiar TG feelings. 
The creativity I wrote of that comes with a TG mind is clear. 
TG may be weird to deal with, but it's also weirdly a gift.
Can I ask, would you press the classic magic button if you could be cis and normal, but have less creativity, IQ and appreciation of feminine things?  I couldn't lose that much.

A hug for the artist,

Lauren

Thank you for your kind words

Yes, my experiences, my life, has given me a depth and self awareness that I cherish and am grateful for. That said, I would DEFINITELY take the trade. My heart longs for that far more than it does to be an artist or creative. However, I am so glad I have those gifts because I would probably have become a serious drug addict or killed myself to cope without them.

My cup is half full, but I wouldn't mind a full glass

[Jeal]

Oh wow, Jeal... that's really impressive. I used to draw in my teens but most of it wasn't original, just copying other people's work. I wrote a lot of really bad poetry.

I wrote this one when I was 17... one of many very similar and sometimes very long poems.



My poems never improved much... I wrote this one just two years ago...

Ahh... but reading other people's poems is boring as hell... so please forgive my indulgence. It is lovely to see your art so full of colour. Perhaps my poems will move away from dying inside when I finally realise my true self.

Never be ashamed of your art; it is your voice and your truth, and people who seek truth and honesty will always appreciate it.  I rather thought your second one would go well as a rap; que Run DMC! In all serious, you deal with themes that are all too relevant to me; I feel it.

I used to draw a picture in High School of a crying girl banging on the walls of a glass jar.  In November I painted this:


The love letter was me venting to my parents.  Lots of issues there :/

[LizK]

Never be ashamed of your art; it is your voice and your truth, and people who seek truth and honesty will always appreciate it.  I rather thought your second one would go well as a rap; que Run DMC!

I used to draw a picture in High School of a crying girl banging on the walls of a glass jar.  In November I painted this:


The love letter was me venting to my parents.  Lots of issues there :/

Hi Jeal

I love that drawing...I kinda feel that way myself

LizK

[Alice (nym)]

Another awesome picture Jeal. I really like that one.

[Finding Lauren]

Thank you for your kind words

Yes, my experiences, my life, has given me a depth and self awareness that I cherish and am grateful for. That said, I would DEFINITELY take the trade. My heart longs for that far more than it does to be an artist or creative.

Hey Jeal,

You mean you would hit the magic button to be a cis girl, and miss creativity/IQ etc right?  You don't mean you would hit the button to be a cis guy with lower creativity/IQ I assume?
The series of magic button test questions begin easy (push to be a girl forever), but it becomes meaningful when the question is to be a cis guy, at peace with his identity ... especially when for me I read into it then the loss of greater creativity (plus IQ, plus better taste, plus the sports distractions and insensitivity) that I saw and believe now from another article.  That choice is frustrating, but teaches you self appreciation in a flash.
Let's have fun with our strengths together, and take baby steps as we can to change our weaker/unfulfilling aspects.
The strength I developed defeating my bullies helped me in many ways.  I cannot believe i had the courage to take the steps in self exploration and transformation I have, and that gang of bullies helped make that possible.


Your friend,

Lauren

[OliverR.]

Never be ashamed of your art; it is your voice and your truth, and people who seek truth and honesty will always appreciate it.  I rather thought your second one would go well as a rap; que Run DMC! In all serious, you deal with themes that are all too relevant to me; I feel it.

I used to draw a picture in High School of a crying girl banging on the walls of a glass jar.  In November I painted this:


The love letter was me venting to my parents.  Lots of issues there :/

Wow, that's a very emotional and beautiful drawing. You're a really good artist, love the use of the color pink in this one.

[Jeal]

You mean you would hit the magic button to be a cis girl, and miss creativity/IQ etc right?  You don't mean you would hit the button to be a cis guy with lower creativity/IQ I assume?

The strength I developed defeating my bullies helped me in many ways.  I cannot believe i had the courage to take the steps in self exploration and transformation I have, and that gang of bullies helped make that possible.

I love the question - I enjoy these sort of mental gymnastics, and you are so correct.  I want the fairy godmother Cinderella experience TYVM.  I would definitely stick with my lot in life than hit the 'man' button.  No clue why, it is just a visceral no brainer.

I think what you are alluding to in your second point is what I would describe as 'post traumatic growth'.  My struggles have made me who I am, and they've left some marks, but I want to heal from them, not erase them.  I've grown stronger because of facing and overcoming them. They have made and are making me  more fully embodied, understanding and compassionate as a human being. I think in every other aspect of my life I would not hit the 'magic button'.  Whether it be with my failing marriage, my parents, PTSD, bullying etc etc.  I'll take a chance on the 'girl' button though should it ever present itself =P

On a side note, one should get a medal when they finish electrolysis.  Just sayin'.  Darn my high pain sensitivity

[Jeal]

Wow, that's a very emotional and beautiful drawing. You're a really good artist, love the use of the color pink in this one.

Thank you - I've always had a thing for rose hues (my mother was always violently anti-feminine so I can't bring myself to use the word 'pink')

[krobinson103]

I love the question - I enjoy these sort of mental gymnastics, and you are so correct.  I want the fairy godmother Cinderella experience TYVM.  I would definitely stick with my lot in life than hit the 'man' button.  No clue why, it is just a visceral no brainer.

I think what you are alluding to in your second point is what I would describe as 'post traumatic growth'.  My struggles have made me who I am, and they've left some marks, but I want to heal from them, not erase them.  I've grown stronger because of facing and overcoming them. They have made and are making me  more fully embodied, understanding and compassionate as a human being. I think in every other aspect of my life I would not hit the 'magic button'.  Whether it be with my failing marriage, my parents, PTSD, bullying etc etc.  I'll take a chance on the 'girl' button though should it ever present itself =P

On a side note, one should get a medal when they finish electrolysis.  Just sayin'.  Darn my high pain sensitivity

Yes laser early hrt was MUCH less painful!

[Finding Lauren]

Hey Jeal,

I love the insights you and the other girl's bring.  It was David Byrne that wrote a song with the lines "The sweetest flowers grow around the out house.  That's why God spreads the ->-bleeped-<- around."  Your tuff experiences and Alice's made reminded me of that pearl.
I got a crazy idea for a girl button.  A labeled cute pink "girl" button would come in the mail with a USB plug.  Maybe it could have a plain "boy" button also.  It could have a few lines and some cute music each day, or a fun suggestion.  If it begin with a survey, then it could tease you with a "na" or a "you're too cute" response to the boy button, and a giggle plus a knowing cute response to the girl button.  With a program behind it, there is no knowing how much of a cute companion it could almost be.  I was in R&D for a while, and I guess I have always had crazy ideas.  It's crazy, but I would like one if the voice was just right and the responses were creative (even open source).
Oh yah, did electrolysis just torment you, or did you find your inner girl getting a thrill in the mirror?  I shave as much of my body as I can stay stealth with, but ... yah but!



Lauren

[Jeal]

Oh yah, did electrolysis just torment you, or did you find your inner girl getting a thrill in the mirror?  I shave as much of my body as I can stay stealth with, but ... yah but!

Hi Lauren,

I LOVE the results, I HATE the pain.  After an hour I am super shaky.  I hate the hair more than the pain though, so onward we go.