Need help explaining something

[TonyaW]

I need help putting in to words why I would want full depth without an interest in penatrive sex.

I have a surgery consult appointment in 8 weeks.  I'm leaning towards the shallow procedure for a few reasons, one of them a lack of sexual interest in men.  I've not totally ruled out full depth, I'd like to make that decision after or during the consult.

That led to an accusation of wanting to have sex with men, otherwise why would I want full depth.  I really couldn'tfind the words to explain it other than being "more normal" , which doesn't really say what I mean.

  Anyone have any better way to put it?

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[Faith]

I can't help you with the words, I agree with the sentiment though.

If the day should ever come (unlikely) I would want full. It's likelihood of use is even lower than getting the procedure in the first place. Why, hmm, for me I think it's:

I've felt 'fake' for a long time. I'm transitioning and still feel 'fake' a lot of times. Why would I get a cosmetic only procedure and still feel 'fake' or 'incomplete'?

I have nothing against those that choose otherwise, this is simply my personal views on it .. for me.

[sarah1972]

Not sure I have any good advice since the conversation with my wife did go a little different.

When we started discussing surgery options, I did lay out the three options. She was actually the one encouraging me to do full depth surgery over zero depth.

Her argument was that I have gone through so many steps to become a woman that I should get what brings me closest to a born female. She also said that she is worried I might regret any other solution.

I have no intention to have penetrative sex either, but I do have to admit a certain degree of curiosity creeping in after I had set my surgery date . I know, especially the last part is not helpful.

48 days till V day for me...

Hugs,

Sarah

[Denise]

I went full depth for a number of reasons but I think it boils down to three reasons.

1. Feelings: I'll feel more complete and without it I might feel like I was missing something.

2. Just once: I have no plans on having intercourse with a guy, but you never know.  I'm told "ya gotta try it once!"

3. New partner: a new female partner may like to use fingers or toys.


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[TonyaW]

I have no desire for penatrive sex from a male or female. My understanding is there is an inch or two so some finger play is possible .

I'm willing to trade the full depth for no pre-op electrolysis, no dilation, and potentially quicker recovery. Were full depth available to me with those options though, I would take it. 

I'm looking for better words to explain why since sex is not a factor.


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[Sophiaprincess2019]

Tonya, question for you sweetie: your lack of interest in penetrative sex with men or women, do you forsee that changing in your future?

Sophia

[Colleen_definitely]

An easy one is "because it's as close as I can get to what should have been there in the first place"


I wouldn't totally discount the possibility of penetration ever, those rabbit style toys are uuuuuuh-mazing.


But on the flip side, the cosmetic one is way less of a hassle.

[TonyaW]

Tonya, question for you sweetie: your lack of interest in penetrative sex with men or women, do you forsee that changing in your future?

Sophia

Been 2 years HRT and still definitely not seeing an interest in men sexually and I see no reason that would change.

If it was something wife wanted,  I'd be open to exploring toys. She has not given me any indication that she does and I feel no need to.

An easy one is "because it's as close as I can get to what should have been there in the first place"


I wouldn't totally discount the possibility of penetration ever, those rabbit style toys are uuuuuuh-mazing.


But on the flip side, the cosmetic one is way less of a hassle.

Not sure that works any better than "more normal", but more accurate I think.

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[Sophiaprincess2019]

  I've not totally ruled out full depth, I'd like to make that decision after or during the consult.

That led to an accusation of wanting to have sex with men, otherwise why would I want full depth.

Generally speaking, our sexual activities are not one gets "accused of" barring illegal sexual practices or deviancy. It's okay to have sex with whomever you choose, men, women or both. Depending on your target audience, I'd use the first sentence about making your decision after or during the consult, in plain language. In this case I believe your answer lies in the question my dear!

Sophia

[SarahWithin]

I can't help you with the words, I agree with the sentiment though.

If the day should ever come (unlikely) I would want full. It's likelihood of use is even lower than getting the procedure in the first place. Why, hmm, for me I think it's:

I've felt 'fake' for a long time. I'm transitioning and still feel 'fake' a lot of times. Why would I get a cosmetic only procedure and still feel 'fake' or 'incomplete'?

I have nothing against those that choose otherwise, this is simply my personal views on it .. for me.

What you do with your body is your business, no one else's. You don't owe anyone an explanation unless it's someone with whom you want to share your precious treasures.


Hugs x 2,
Sarah From Chitown
[emoji257]

[Devlyn]

I got the idea that she's talking about her (non-penised) partner. In my opinion, it is indeed your partner's business who you're having sex with. 

[TonyaW]

Generally speaking, our sexual activities are not one gets "accused of" barring illegal sexual practices or deviancy. It's okay to have sex with whomever you choose, men, women or both. Depending on your target audience, I'd use the first sentence about making your decision after or during the consult, in plain language. In this case I believe your answer lies in the question my dear!

Sophia

What you do with your body is your business, no one else's. You don't owe anyone an explanation unless it's someone with whom you want to share your precious treasures.


Hugs x 2,
Sarah From Chitown
[emoji257]

I got the idea that she's talking about her (non-penised) partner. In my opinion, it is indeed your partner's business who you're having sex with. 

What you do with your body is your business, no one else's. You don't owe anyone an explanation unless it's someone with whom you want to share your precious treasures.


Hugs x 2,
Sarah From Chitown
[emoji257]

I got the idea that she's talking about her (non-penised) partner. In my opinion, it is indeed your partner's business who you're having sex with. 

Devlyn would be correct.

I do not wish to share my precious treasures with anyone but her.

Which is what makes it an accusation.

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[Devlyn]

Devlyn would be correct.

I do not wish to share my precious treasures with anyone but her.

Which is what makes it an accusation.

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From here it sounds like one of her concerns. She may be worried you'll stray because she doesn't have the equipment to use your new equipment. In the interest of open and honest communication, let her know that you can't help feeling accused. Talk about this. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[LizK]

I too struggled with an explanation but in the end I had to realise that for me this is a one time deal..If I choose zero depth and at a later time desired to have depth I could not afford to have further surgery(if it's possible).

With full depth I can maintain it if I want too, but I don't have too.

It is for very personally complicated reasons I choose full depth. I don't think I can adequately explain them in public. Happy to pm if you want.

Dilation and recovery does not seem to have been overly difficult. The complications I had , would not have changed if I had zero depth.

Liz




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[SarahWithin]

I too struggled with an explanation but in the end I had to realise that for me this is a one time deal..If I choose zero depth and at a later time desired to have depth I could not afford to have further surgery(if it's possible).

With full depth I can maintain it if I want too, but I don't have too.

It is for very personally complicated reasons I choose full depth. I don't think I can adequately explain them in public. Happy to pm if you want.

Dilation and recovery does not seem to have been overly difficult. The complications I had , would not have changed if I had zero depth.

Liz




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You're aware of the ramifications of either choice, and it sounds like you have s SO to whom you want to give your treasures. If you choose depth and show her that you're each other's, she should feel better. While you share your decision with your SO, you don't owe anyone else any explanations. I hope your journey is full of love and joy.


Hugs x 2,
Sarah From Chitown
[emoji257]

[TonyaW]

Thanks for all the replies. 

My wife's biggest fear from the beginning about my transition, despite my assurances, is that I'll need to try out my new equipment, at least partly because she's not interested in it.  It doesn't calm her fears when she reads posts about attractions changing after HRT or surgery.

I'm 2 years on HRT now, still with no desire to be with a man, and I don't see any reason surgery would change that.



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[josie76]

I'm not sure I have any words of help for your situation. Your partner is reacting out of fear of you wanting someone else. That is something only you and her can deal with together.

However it is your body. You need to know that you will be happy with your choice. If you have doubts about this now then you will likely be regretful later. Regret can easily turn into resentment of your partner. The decision you make now should be considered permanent. Yes you may be able to have another surgery later but cost, insurance coverage, and extra future pain are all considerations for a second surgery.

Secondly, be completely honest with yourself. I know that although I do not find men visually attractive, when in the heat of sexual excitement I do feel the desire for penetration. This is a common instinctual drive completely separate from visual sexual attraction. If you have ever felt this then do not pretend you don't just for your partner's current fears. Be honest with yourself and with her. Toys can fulfill this desire so don't make yourself half happy in your one trip around this rock. Let her know if you need full depth to be a complete woman.

I wish you the best with your partner. 

[TonyaW]

I can honestly say that I have not felt a desire to be penetrated at any time during sex, which is one factor in my leaning towards the shallow procedure.

Maybe I need to ask different questions.

Anyone get shallow and regret not going full for reasons not related to sexuality?

Anyone get full that does not want to and has not been penetrated sexually?

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[Dorit]

I too struggled with this very issue and in the end decided for shallow depth.  I am 11 weeks post op.   I certainly have zero regrets at this early point.  I do not feel in the least bit "artificial."  As I shared in another post, I recently found myself naked with other women in a pool changing room and felt completely whole and accepted.  The depth of my vagina never crossed my mind!

I have a lifetime female partner, so penetrative sex is irrelevant.   However, she is 10 years older than me and has some aging issues.   Who can tell the future, someday I might be interested in a man?  Actually, for most GG's, the best sex is clitoral organism and not vaginal.  I have a clitoris.

So even though I have been spared the worst complications from a full depth procedure, I have had minor complications and a very challenging recovery.   GRS is a difficult surgery, regardless of the depth.  I am spared the need to dilate, I have to be devoted to the care of my SO at this stage in her life.  I hope this helps, but please be at peace with whatever you decide.   You will need all your psychological strength for recovery.

 

[LizK]

I can honestly say that I have not felt a desire to be penetrated at any time during sex, which is one factor in my leaning towards the shallow procedure.

Maybe I need to ask different questions.

Anyone get shallow and regret not going full for reasons not related to sexuality?

Anyone get full that does not want to and has not been penetrated sexually?

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@TonyaW
Hi Tonya

I don't know if you have seen this article but when I read it the other day I thought of this thread and you.

https://www.mtfsurgery.net/vulvoplasty.htm?fbclid=IwAR3ntU3VkoiD1aevmx5XMZO6fKoSINJqaGUAti48uC5yeCXsblFLok3P40o

LizK

I personally found it very interesting