Hello Everyone,
I've been on this forum before, but due to some of the stuff that's happened since I honestly couldn't even stomach getting back on my old account, even if I had remembered the log in information.
I'm back on the forum mostly to just trying to figure out who I am and have a support network in doing so...and for some reason, I always take advice better from strangers than friends and family.
Long story short, (or as short as I can make it)...I was born female...I went through a lot of "phases" where I dressed almost exclusively male, and even had friends refer to me by he/him and whatever male name I'd chose to play around with at the time.
It wasn't until I kept having these "phases" that I realized maybe they weren't phases and actually decided to see a therapist. I got a letter and got on T. I was SO happy on the T and male presenting, like the T did WONDERS for me...my confidence, my overall demeanor, it balanced my hormones in a way I didn't think was possible, and even allowed me to stop taking medication for anxiety and depression. My work place was VERY accommodating and awesome about it too, and my family wasn't UNsupportive, but they were having a REALLY hard time adjusting.
Well.....I had a MAJOR freak out and started doubting myself, just as I'd done in all my "phases" before I panicked and started to crave being feminine again. I started thinking about all the stuff I'd never have, like a child from my own womb, and the "mother/daughter" relationship I've spent my entire life in with my best friend...who is my mother...In addition my blood pressure was through the roof for someone my age, and I had pretty much lost any hope of ever being able to get top and bottom surgeries....(Not to mention I went from 150lbs to almost 200lbs before I found an intense calorie burning hobby.)
I stopped the T, and I was too ashamed to tell my work place I was stopping my transition so I tried to find another job. Skipping over all THAT craziness.... because OOF...that's going to make this long story even longer.
Anyway, I am now back in my backwards, small, Podunk, redneck, bible belt, RED, home town, and I'm having the urges to be masculine again, and it's literally like my brain is fighting itself...It's like my brains like "Kinda wanna be a pretty boy...but like what if we wanna be a pretty girl? But like what if we were a guy??" Like it's tug of war for gender dominance.
So I finally accepted I'm neutral or bi-gender or non-conforming...IDK what it actually falls under, but it's like that also isn't good enough for me?
I have NO problem with people who are genuinely happy without conforming to one gender, but the idea of being that way myself just gets my anxiety going off the rails.
I have very little money, no insurance, and no access to doctors or therapists or psychiatrists right now...and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes all over again. Let alone I could NEVER do it this hick town...I've noticed a lot of transgender people are living here now, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT put myself in that position of ridicule down here, I cannot handle it. Which leaves me a lot of time to find myself for the time being, but it doesn't make it any less stressful or important to me.
So...in conclusion...I'm here to just kinda read other peoples stuff and maybe get some advice here and there. I know only I can truly know and decide things for myself, but I'm feeling really alone and scared, and on top of everything else going on in my life my gender is the last thing I need to be stressing about.
So yeah...Hi!
Just call me "C" for now I guess, and they/them type pronouns for now...I'm just literally in chaos...hence my user name. In case anyone was worried. I am not here to cause chaos...I am just chaos on my own.
