My boyfriend doesn’t know I’m trans

[SadieBlake]

 Jen you know the guy better than we do and maybe by text is the right way, for most people in person is going to be better received.

Absolutely do it in a safe (public) place and if there's someone you're out with, having them nearby at the time could also be a good safety net for you.

You'll get no shade from me for not being out. I'm a woman first and having gotten there via hrt and vaginoplasty is just how I got there. If I we're passable I wouldn't hesitate to be stealthy .. and yes I understand that that means there will be times like this for the people you do choose to open up to.

Best wishes, be safe and please do let us know if you're ok, how it went.

[Jessica]

Jen, I think this is very well done. 

Thanks for your replies ladies. I appreciate all of your opinions and advice. I have drafted out a text message which I will send when I feel the time is right. Do you think this sounds ok? I've tried to avoid using the trans/man/boy words so hopefully it softens the blow a bit and doesn't sound too harsh. Any advice or input would also be appreciated!

"There's something I wanted to talk to you about.

To put it bluntly, since I was born, I knew from my very first thoughts that I was different. When my mum was having me there was a chromosome imbalance, so my brain developed one way and my body developed in another way. So I had surgery when I was younger to fix it. I'm a woman in every way, shape and form and that's it. I had a rough start at life, but I fixed it and moved on and I'm past all that now.

I wanted to tell you this sooner, but everything just went so quickly and I got caught up in the moment because I really liked you. I didn't wanna ruin anything and was scared that it might.

I also wanted to get to know you better before telling you to see if I thought this would go anywhere and I hope you can appreciate my reasons for that and also appreciate how hard it is for me to tell you something so personal. I'm a very private person and for me to open up to anyone about this takes a lot. I hope this doesn't change anything. And I hope your only reaction to this is to wanna give me a cuddle, cos I could really do with one now!"

[KimOct]

Hi Jen - Just my two cents since you asked for opinions.  I think overall it was very good, and explains your feelings and how you got here very well.

I understand your reluctance to use very many words like (trans/man/boy)  that's not who you are and you don't want to dwell on that - it's fair.

I would suggest at least one sentence that is pretty blunt just saying 'it'.  In my reading of it I could see how some people wouldn't fully understand the point.  It may be a little too subtle.  Just make sure he understands what it is you are trying to clear up.

Only my best wishes for you and I hope this goes great. 

[Astxl]

tell us what happened

[SusanL]

I know it will be hard for you to tell him but you do need to be truthful to him as well. It isn't good to be lying to him because he maybe more upset that you have lied. just my 2 cents work. Hope it works out though to!!! Hugs!!! Susan L 

[Lacy]

Hi Jen - Just my two cents since you asked for opinions.  I think overall it was very good, and explains your feelings and how you got here very well.

I understand your reluctance to use very many words like (trans/man/boy)  that's not who you are and you don't want to dwell on that - it's fair.

I would suggest at least one sentence that is pretty blunt just saying 'it'.  In my reading of it I could see how some people wouldn't fully understand the point.  It may be a little too subtle.  Just make sure he understands what it is you are trying to clear up.

Only my best wishes for you and I hope this goes great. 

Welcome Jen!

I am sorry that you are finding yourself in a very difficult situation. I understand all the feelings you have expressed. Telling EVERYONE that your trans isn't necessary. It is a private matter and not everyone needs to know about it.

You have expressed that you feel like you should have told your boyfriend sooner that you are trans. So I won't pile anything on that! It is what it is, and there is no need to dwell on it. It is part of the past. Recognizing it and letting him know you regret it is important, but don't beat yourself up too hard about it.

Personally I do not enjoy receiving any serious via text. It is void of emotion and can be a bit of a shock. More so than hearing something face to face.
The choice is yours obviously. If you tell him in person or follow up on the text you wrote, definitely follow the other ladies advice and do it somewhere public and/or with a supportive person. Your safety is what's most important.

On the text you wrote. I think you did a good job overall. I agree with Kim that it could be unclear to him what you actually are talking about without a direct statement about being trans or not being born cisgender. If that isn't fully understood by him his mind could go many places and that concern could cause more issues.

I also recommend that if you use texting to break the news, make sure you don't use any improper grammar or abbreviations. This deserves to be taken as seriously by him as possibly.
I'm sure you feel vulnerable right now and you should know that you have our support!

Happy thoughts and good luck girl!
Lacy

[JenJx]

Thanks for your replies

After speaking to a few girls and friends about this (and a few sleepless nights) I've decided to hold off on telling him just yet. We have had some issues over my job that he doesn't approve of and wants me to leave, so in the long run I'm thinking it might not work out anyway if this continues to be an issue.

He's been away on vacation this week and I pick him up from the airport tomorrow, so I'm gonna see how things go over the next few days before deciding what I will do.

In relation to the text message, I just know myself if I left it to tell him in person I know when the time came I just wouldn't say it, I'd get lost in the moment and the fear of his reaction or ruining the day would completely put me off doing it (cowardly I know, but it's just something I find so hard to talk about). If I done it over text I know once I've pressed send its done and it's worded exactly how I would want it to be.

I get what some of you have said about being vague about the trans thing, but I just feel like it kind of softens the blow, and by his follow up questions etc obviously I would go in to more detail.

I've had a lovely direct message from somebody on here too but it doesn't let me reply (this it's because I've not posted so much) but I will keep you updated how things go!

[TonyaW]

Only thing I can add to what everyone else is saying is that to be sure he hears it from you. If there's any way he could reasonably find out in some other way,  you need to tell him as soon as you can.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[ForeverLacey]

My personal opinion on not telling other's before engaging in intimacy is selfish, stupid and plain dangerous. I understand how people feel about their past but I also feel that the other person has a right to know. I feel it's not only fair but it's the moral thing to do. How are we as a community to gain trust and fairness when acts like this are one of the many things society fears from us? I'd say at this point you tell him by text for your own safety. It's that or not tell him at all and risk the news getting out another way.

[JenJx]

My personal opinion on not telling other's before engaging in intimacy is selfish, stupid and plain dangerous. I understand how people feel about their past but I also feel that the other person has a right to know. I feel it's not only fair but it's the moral thing to do. How are we as a community to gain trust and fairness when acts like this are one of the many things society fears from us? I'd say at this point you tell him by text for your own safety. It's that or not tell him at all and risk the news getting out another way.

I think your post is a little judgemental. Fortunately, in my world I am far past trans issues. I live my life as a female first and TS almost last. Being TS isn't something that crosses my mind when I meet new people, romantic or otherwise. I live my life the same as any other female, as I have fought damn hard for that right. As far as I'm concerned, telling a guy my medical history is privileged information which is relayed as and when I see that person is deserving of it.

I understand why people think telling your T should be done before sex, but when you're dating somebody and getting close, things just happen without you even thinking about that, which is what has happened in this case.

[Astxl]

I think your post is a little judgemental. Fortunately, in my world I am far past trans issues. I live my life as a female first and TS almost last. Being TS isn't something that crosses my mind when I meet new people, romantic or otherwise. I live my life the same as any other female, as I have fought damn hard for that right. As far as I'm concerned, telling a guy my medical history is privileged information which is relayed as and when I see that person is deserving of it.

I understand why people think telling your T should be done before sex, but when you're dating somebody and getting close, things just happen without you even thinking about that, which is what has happened in this case.

You couldn't say it better, you have my full support because I think just like you.

[Alanna1990]

I have a different opinion, if you're post OP you shouldn't tell anybody you are trans, when I finally get my post op surgery nobody will ever know what I am

[Mendi]

I always tell, due to safety reasons. Too many ts women have lost their lives in the situation, where the other person starts to think you are trans.

I´ve met some men, who obviously are completely unaware that I am trans and that makes me very uncomfortable. Even when they should know, I can tell from the way they say things etc etc, that they don´t consider me as a ts and that is uncomfortable feeling to realize, that what happens if he finds out from some clues that are left no matter how many times you go under the knife.

But...this is the etarnal discussion here 

Everybody decides for themselves, but it´s good to also say the otherside of the fence....security versus it´s none of your business...

[KimOct]

I think my opinion falls somewhere between Jen's and Lacey's.

Two disclosures about me regarding my opinion. 
1.  I see few things in life in black and white rather shades of gray.  There are two sides to ALMOST every story.
2.  I have only had an orchie and don't pass all the time.

That said - I understand how Jen got into this situation.  It's not just about this topic.  We all get into situations in life we did not necessarily intend.  Then our fears of the bad things that might happen cloud our judgment.  We didn't start with bad intentions - it just happened.  And then we make bad choices.

But as Lacey said - it's the moral thing to do.  I agree very strongly with this.

As someone that is not able to be stealth I can imagine the desire to be stealth and I think in most situations that is certainly reasonable.  But intimacy ??  I think that is wrong.

I don't care how big a transphobe bigot someone is - I may think they are a jerk - but they have the right to be a jerk.

If they don't want to love us or have sex with us that is their right.

Jen I do feel for you and I know you did not intend this but now you are in a position you should do the right thing.

IMO you are rationalizing why not to do something that you do not want to do.

I am sorry to tell you something you don't want to hear but it is true.

Still wishing you happiness and above all safety.

[SadieBlake]

Kim, it's true for you perhaps, I'm sorry, I don't see where you get to call out true for others. I also disagree that transphobia is ok in any form, just as I have issues with people who objectify trans women, seeking us out for sexual kinks.

Whatever sex may be about, healthy relationships are usually principally about emotionality, love etc. That in turn ideally transcends gender expression .. granted that's not universal either.

And it honestly saddens me to find trans women who've had to break a.lot of societal molds to be who we are then turn and tell someone else how to be trans. I know it's not changing soon, however I can not agree with it. Please see below for my thoughts on how this works (something I've expressed umpteen times before on Susan's)

Back to the OP

Jen, when you first wrote, I had my doubts on your eventual acceptance, there were some small tells that made me wonder. Your recent post about some of his responses to unrelated stuff somewhat cements that for me and I agree that this relationship may not pass the bar of being worth disclosing at all :-(. Obviously I have some hope for that (incurable romantic here!).

My flip side says that some romances are best shot lived, even the ones that truly feel they want to be more (and I just went through a heartbreak like I haven't felt in a long time. The goddess seems to be demanding I learn acceptance :-/

Where I come down on disclosure is a bit theoretical. If we stipulate that if you're going to be even a little bit stealth and if that's okay in life (and I think most people at least agree on that ... I know some who don't). Then there has to be a judgment call somewhere as to when you disclose and there are risks either way I'm not going to enumerate them they're pretty obvious. Too early and you disclose to someone who you may not have had time to establish sufficient trust they may then out you to your entire community to late and yes you may lose some or all trust.

Also for the record while we are very good at talking about the horror stories and the people who get injured. However there's also quite a few women have come on here and talked about telling a lover fairly late in the game that they were trans and finding that they were fully accepted and maybe even more accepted than they have expected no recriminations no problems.

The fact is that are risks to being trans the risks to being in relationship while being trans and there's no fundamental way around that how we manage those risks are personal choices.

[Devlyn]

I am reminded of the posts I've read here about people talking in their sleep in their male voice. The ways we can be outed, or out ourselves, are numerous.






EDIT:   male voice, not mail voice. 

[JenJx]

Kim, it's true for you perhaps, I'm sorry, I don't see where you get to call out true for others. I also disagree that transphobia is ok in any form, just as I have issues with people who objectify trans women, seeking us out for sexual kinks.

Whatever sex may be about, healthy relationships are usually principally about emotionality, love etc. That in turn ideally transcends gender expression .. granted that's not universal either.

And it honestly saddens me to find trans women who've had to break a.lot of societal molds to be who we are then turn and tell someone else how to be trans. I know it's not changing soon, however I can not agree with it. Please see below for my thoughts on how this works (something I've expressed umpteen times before on Susan's)

Back to the OP

Jen, when you first wrote, I had my doubts on your eventual acceptance, there were some small tells that made me wonder. Your recent post about some of his responses to unrelated stuff somewhat cements that for me and I agree that this relationship may not pass the bar of being worth disclosing at all :-(. Obviously I have some hope for that (incurable romantic here!).

My flip side says that some romances are best shot lived, even the ones that truly feel they want to be more (and I just went through a heartbreak like I haven't felt in a long time. The goddess seems to be demanding I learn acceptance :-/

Where I come down on disclosure is a bit theoretical. If we stipulate that if you're going to be even a little bit stealth and if that's okay in life (and I think most people at least agree on that ... I know some who don't). Then there has to be a judgment call somewhere as to when you disclose and there are risks either way I'm not going to enumerate them they're pretty obvious. Too early and you disclose to someone who you may not have had time to establish sufficient trust they may then out you to your entire community to late and yes you may lose some or all trust.

Also for the record while we are very good at talking about the horror stories and the people who get injured. However there's also quite a few women have come on here and talked about telling a lover fairly late in the game that they were trans and finding that they were fully accepted and maybe even more accepted than they have expected no recriminations no problems.

The fact is that are risks to being trans the risks to being in relationship while being trans and there's no fundamental way around that how we manage those risks are personal choices.

Sadie, you are right in that I am still uncertain of the longevity of this relationship as there are other issues that we still haven't managed to figure out (my job being one of them). I think this is one of the reasons why I'm holding back on telling him.

The guy does live fairly close to me (around 15 minutes away) and there are people in my area who know of my past as I live close to where I grew up. After looking through Facebook friends we don't seem to have any mutual connections, but I know that there is still a possibility of other ways of him finding out elsewhere. This is one of the reasons why I am inclined to tell him, so that it comes from me and not anybody else - I do fully agree with that.

After not seeing him for a week it has kind of opened my eyes to the pros and cons of telling him and the relationship in general. So, I am going to pick him up from the airport tonight and spend the rest of the weekend with him. Maybe doing this will give me some clarity of our potential future and what my next steps will be.

[KimOct]

Kim, it's true for you perhaps, I'm sorry, I don't see where you get to call out true for others. I also disagree that transphobia is ok in any form, just as I have issues with people who objectify trans women, seeking us out for sexual kinks.

Whatever sex may be about, healthy relationships are usually principally about emotionality, love etc. That in turn ideally transcends gender expression .. granted that's not universal either.

And it honestly saddens me to find trans women who've had to break a.lot of societal molds to be who we are then turn and tell someone else how to be trans. I know it's not changing soon, however I can not agree with it. Please see below for my thoughts on how this works (something I've expressed umpteen times before on Susan's)

Back to the OP

Jen, when you first wrote, I had my doubts on your eventual acceptance, there were some small tells that made me wonder. Your recent post about some of his responses to unrelated stuff somewhat cements that for me and I agree that this relationship may not pass the bar of being worth disclosing at all :-(. Obviously I have some hope for that (incurable romantic here!).

My flip side says that some romances are best shot lived, even the ones that truly feel they want to be more (and I just went through a heartbreak like I haven't felt in a long time. The goddess seems to be demanding I learn acceptance :-/

Where I come down on disclosure is a bit theoretical. If we stipulate that if you're going to be even a little bit stealth and if that's okay in life (and I think most people at least agree on that ... I know some who don't). Then there has to be a judgment call somewhere as to when you disclose and there are risks either way I'm not going to enumerate them they're pretty obvious. Too early and you disclose to someone who you may not have had time to establish sufficient trust they may then out you to your entire community to late and yes you may lose some or all trust.

Also for the record while we are very good at talking about the horror stories and the people who get injured. However there's also quite a few women have come on here and talked about telling a lover fairly late in the game that they were trans and finding that they were fully accepted and maybe even more accepted than they have expected no recriminations no problems.

The fact is that are risks to being trans the risks to being in relationship while being trans and there's no fundamental way around that how we manage those risks are personal choices.

Sadie -

1. I don't think I am calling out Jen.  I think I was balanced in understanding that she had no bad intentions.

2.  I am not discussing 'how to be trans'.  I am talking about honesty.

3.  I am not in any way justifying transphobia.  Rather I am saying that anyone has the right to their opinions and choices regardless of how stupid, hateful or crappy they may be.

Matter of fact here is the exact quote from my post that you claim to be justifying transphobia which obviously I am not.  I don't care how big a transphobe bigot someone is - I may think they are a jerk - but they have the right to be a jerk.

If they don't want to love us or have sex with us that is their right to make that choice no matter how close minded it may be - no one should be having sex under false pretenses or keeping information intentionally that would cause their partner to decide against it.  Wouldn't you want the same decency?

Nobody should be with someone that has given the impression that they are something that they are not whether it be by omission or lying.  In Jen's case it was certainly omission and not lying.

The situation Jen is faced with is not entirely about being trans it is about being honest.

If she chooses to end the relationship for other reasons then she should end it and if it is truly over then any additional explanation is moot.

Sadie in your first sentence response to me you state that you don't see where I get to call out what is true for others. I think the entire point here is that Jen is not telling him something that may impact the relationship.  I can see nothing else other than it is not true.

Jen - I am in no way saying that you are a bad person - or are not being 'trans - correctly'.  Also I have sympathy for your position.  I have made choices I regretted.  We all have.  None of us is perfect.  I simply gave my opinion that I thought Lacey was being a little too tough and yet you were not dealing with the situation.

At the end of the day Jen the decision is of course yours and no one else's.  I assume that posters here want honest opinions and that was my intention. 

I continue to wish you well regardless of how you decide to handle this.

[JenJx]

Sadie -

1. I don't think I am calling out Jen.  I think I was balanced in understanding that she had no bad intentions.

2.  I am not discussing 'how to be trans'.  I am talking about honesty.

3.  I am not in any way justifying transphobia.  Rather I am saying that anyone has the right to their opinions and choices regardless of how stupid, hateful or crappy they may be.  Nobody should be with someone that has given the impression that they are something that they are not whether it be by omission or lying.  In Jen's case it was certainly omission and not lying.

The situation Jen is faced with is not entirely about being trans it is about being honest.

If she chooses to end the relationship for other reasons then she should end it and if it is truly over then any additional explanation is moot.

Sadie in your first sentence response to me you state that you don't see where I get to call out what is true for others. I think the entire point here is that Jen is not telling him something that may impact the relationship.  I can see nothing else other than it is not true.

Jen - I am in no way saying that you are a bad person - or are not being 'trans - correctly'.  Also I have sympathy for your position.  I have made choices I regretted.  We all have.  None of us is perfect.  I simply gave my opinion that I thought Lacey was being a little too tough and yet you were not dealing with the situation.

At the end of the day Jen the decision is of course yours and no one else's.  I assume that posters here want honest opinions and that was my intention. 

I continue to wish you well regardless of how you decide to handle this.

Thanks Kim, I do appreciate that you are giving an opinion (which is a fair one) and parts of what you say I do agree with completely. This isn't the first time I've been in a situation like this, and probably won't be the last.

All I want in life is to be treated the same as any other girl, and to have to offload such a huge "secret" to someone you like, which can be detrimental to the future of that relationship, is so soul destroying and makes me feel absolutely awful not only for me but for the other person to have to hear it.

I understand you said you don't "pass" and some of the other comments similar to yours were of a similar opinion to you (in that they state they don't pass). And I think it comes down to exactly that - if you don't pass, you don't actually know what it's like to be in this situation - it's a horrible one. And it's not about being dishonest, it's just about living life, I don't see what I do as being dishonest, otherwise we would all be dishonest every day in everything we done living our lives.

Before I transitioned I used to always say I would tell dates etc and had a VERY strong opinion on that, but after transition and realising I could just date as any other girl, my views changed and slipping in to the female role (rather than the transgender one) just came so naturally. 

Sometimes I wish that I didn't pass, that way my truth would be known to everyone up front and the fear of disclosing and ultimately rejection from a lover wouldn't exist - but hey, we are all dealt different cards in life and we just have to play them as best we can.

I do appreciate views from all different angles and from people from all different walks of life.

[KimOct]

Hi Jen and thanks for taking a reasonable view of what I am saying as was also my intention toward you.  I think you explain your situation in an understandable way and in your response above you are both acknowledging the issue and yet make it understandable.

I like your candor.  I am big on that.  You seem to understand your feelings and also the issue.

I feel good that you understand the point I was making and yet you do a good job of explaining your feelings and how you got here.

I really do wish you well and long term happiness.