Hi, I'm Fade. I found Susan's Place probably over two years ago at this point and been reading when I can, but never created an account until this point. I'm an MTF teen, pre-HRT, and basically pre-everything except a few elements of social transition. I'm just starting to come out of the closet by telling more of my family and openly being myself.
I've been confused and questioning my gender ever since about age 5 or so, but still went ahead and did the traditional boy things, keeping my true feelings bottled up inside. I got bullied in school when I was 10 and 11 a lot, and that was a dark time for me where it was the first time I felt truly hopeless and alone. My parents split up a couple years after that.
I came out to my divorced parents October 2017, it being a painful experience. While I was going for a walk late at night, I told my father over a phone call in complete tears that I was unhappy with my gender. At first I thought he understood even in his complete lack of words. I came out to my Mom the next day or so. While she didn't understand what I was going through and didn't like it, she still promised me her unconditional love. After that, my relationship with my Dad went rock bottom and it hasn't moved too much. He's said hurtful things to me and has hit me on occasion, but that, luckily, has not happened for a couple months now. And since I live with him half the time, my dad is still trying to get me to be his idealized masculine son. On the other hand, my mom and I have had rocky times over the years, but she let's me be myself at most times.
I've been going to therapy (mostly for depression, but I'm trying to address gender dysphoria too) for a little over a year now. As I've said, I'm starting to make something of a slow social transition, so I wear makeup and girly things whenever I can. In the end, I'm looking for help, support, and solidarity from people on this site. Love you all.
--Fade
