Hi trans folks, how have you been doing?
I will try to be brief with what I have to say. I still don't know if I am binary transgender person, in this case, a MtF person, but I have always been feminine and into women's clothes and things. So... due to my body dysphoria (because balding and face appearance) I decided to fight against the Testosterone in my body to stop it from masculizing myself a little bit (I've always had a sweet face that was never masculine, but I really wanted to feminize it more without fully transitioning, so I decided to go into HRT using anti-androgens medicines.
I know that self-medicating is risky but I am a poor person and there are no doctors where I live experienced with transgender issues. I looked for at least three and all of them said no to me, so I got really discouraged by the doctors and decided to do it myself because time was passing and I was feeling really down when looking at the mirror.
I started taking <dosage removed> spironolactone and <dosage removed> finasteride five months ago, then I changed the dosage of spironolactone a few times, (changing it according to my mind because sometimes I felt really depressed). Two months ago I started to feel sensitiveness on my left breast, and then it turned to a brief pain one month ago. I started noticing that my left-breast was the only one that was developing and then things started to get really terrible. My dysphoria got really worse (now I can't even sleep and I ended up finding myself binging cigarettes to manage the anxiety and feeling of unbeloging to myself.
I was really happy before that because I saw softening of skin and my face got little traces of feminization which I loved, besided that, my body hair started to fall out and my morning erections stopped and I felt so amazed by that, I was feeling really really happy, but now... I feel like I am an aberration because I don't want to have one side of enlarged breast and nothing on the other. It hasn't fully developed yet, there is a lump inside and I see that it is a little bit more designed that the other one so I decided quitting spironolactone for few months and see if the lump inside it disappears. But I can only cry about that, if my right breast went through the same proccess, I would feel really complete and I would be able to manage it until the changes I wanted to see happenning took place and then I could quit it for a while.
But now I feel really terrible because I don't want to quit the medication, but I don't want to be the "man" with one-sided breast, it is killing me and I am really thinking of suicide. I don't want to have big woman's boobs on me, not yet, maybe I am not prepared for that, a small enlargement on BOTH breasts would be perfect to handle, but not one...
And when I looked for it on Google it said that 5%/10% of men see gynno happens to only one side of the breast and I feel like I am the unfortunate ones to be facing this issue.
I really need help because I feel hopeless, I wish I could continue with it as my body hair fell out amazingly, and my face was a little bit more feminine and soft, wearing make up felt so good these days, and now I am feeling like a piece of sh!t. I wanna die. If I stop the medication can my left breast come back to normal? And what I can do to keep my testosterone levels at low without risking my appearance? I don't wanna look like an aberration, I wanna look normal. I was also thinking of quitting anti-androgen and investing in estrogen-only to see if my right breast develops a little.
Having my testosterone back would completely kill my vibe and my dysphoria would come back. I am only 24 years old, skinny femboy and it would not look good the way it is. Please, help me, none of my friends understand me, and my family is not supportive at all (one of the reasons why I don't go fully on HRT).
I apologize if I don't make myself clear, my English is not my first language.
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