A few disclaimers before I start:
-Trigger Warning: discussion of rejection of trans people who don't pass
-I'm not trying to villainize anyone who has done things mentioned in this post, I'm just trying to provide support for anyone who has struggled with the idea of "passing".
-Lastly, I will be speaking in terms of trans women, because that's what I am, and that's the community I'm familiar with, but I imagine that all of this will apply equally to trans men.
Let's take a second to look at the term "Passing". What are we trying to pass as? Well that's an easy one, cis women. Why are we trying to pass? That's a little more difficult, and I'm sure that everyone has their own reasons, but I'll try to tackle some of the main ones.
-Reason 1: For safety, and so society will treat us better. I don't think anyone who has been perceived both as a trans woman and a cis woman would doubt that at least generally, society treats cis women better. Passing can buy you into that cis privilege, which can take a lot of weight off of your back on a day to day basis. Also, there are also some situations where being cis is just safer. If a trans women gets cat-called in the street while being mistaken for a cis woman, if the cat-caller realizes she's trans that can put her in serious danger.
-Reponse: This is a completely valid reason to try to pass. I know that I've been in situations where I'm scared so I talk a little higher and let my hair down, but I don't know of any trans women who have this as their only reason for wanting to pass, including myself.
-Reason 2: So people will see us as women. Even if someone uses your real name, and calls you by she/her pronouns, that doesn't necessarily mean they see you as a "real" woman. If you pass, however, people will have to actively put in effort to not see you as what you as a woman.
-Response: This may be true, but by doing this aren't we letting cis people believe that passing (or at least trying to), is the only way for us to truly be women? And by doing this we're not challenging their ideas of gender, so in reality the only people who we're only winning acceptance for are the trans people who pass.
-Reason 3: Because it makes us feel like valid, it makes us feel like we're actually women.
-Response: This is the reason that I'm most worried about, so let's start to unpack that idea.
Why does passing make us feel valid? Well let's go back to the start and ask again, what are we passing as? Cis women. So, passing as cis women makes us feel valid.
If passing as cis women is the only way for us to feel valid and like we're actually women, that means that we think, or at least feel like, cis women are more woman that trans women are. This is very hypocritical when we're the ones chanting the phrase "Trans women are real women!".
We're ashamed that we're trans, and we try to distance ourselves from that identity as much as possible, at least in terms of our appearance. If that wasn't the case why would it feel so bad when we look in the mirror and realize that we don't pass, that we look like trans women?
This was the attitude in the early days of the gay rights movement as well. The general idea was, "Yes I'm gay, and I'm going to have to accept it, but in reality I would rather just be straight". And look at where we are now, we teach every newly out gay person that even though it may be hard, it can be amazing to be gay, and you can, and should take ownership of that identity, and show the world that you're gay instead of acting like just another straight person. Imagine if we applied that mindset to trans people, and passing.
Ok so, you may be saying, "So what, we want to look like cis women, where's the harm in that?" Well, there wouldn't be any harm if all of the trans women in the world trying desperately to pass all got there by their own accord, but they didn't, they got there because society at large, and especially other trans women, tell them that they need to.
If you doubt that, just look at the ways that we treat passing. I know that I've been guilty of thinking less of a trans woman because she doesn't pass. I know that I sometimes still am guilty of that. Even if I recognize that I shouldn't think less of them, it's so ingrained in my brain that it's hard to stop. This isn't only confined to me, and don't try to deny it because you all know exactly what I'm talking about. Sometimes we go as far as mocking trans women who don't pass, or who perform femininity in a way not seen as normal, even though I know for a fact that every one of us has been in that place.
We also talk about passing as if it's some great end goal that every trans woman needs to aspire to, and even if we claim to support all trans woman regardless of appearance, the attitude is very much still there within the community.
I know that this attitude caused me great pain when I was early in transition and still bought into it, and I've seen it hurt every other trans woman who I know. I felt like passing was something that I needed to do, and every second that I didn't it hurt. Whenever I saw myself, I could only see a man, because I was never trained by the community to be able to accept trans women who don't pass.
This may seem like a small complaint, but for me, and I know for other people, this was one of the main reasons why transitioning made me hate myself so much.
It isn't hopeless though. Over time I started to realize that these ways of thinking were hurting me, so I slowly forced myself to stop. I learned to love myself, and know that I'm valid without seeing a cis woman in the mirror. In fact, now I intentionally talk in my deeper natural voice just to remind myself (and everyone around me) that yes I'm trans, and yes it's ok to be proud of that.
We'll never win acceptance for everyone until we can proudly show the world all of the trans women who don't subscribe to the norms. So to every trans woman out there who can't pass, or who doesn't pass, or who just doesn't want to fit your mold, know that you're beautiful just as you are, and you don't need to live up to someone else's idea of what it means to be you.
