Relaxing and intercourse

[Emjay]

Hi,

I've not been on in a really long time, but I now have questions....... 

So I'm about 14 months post op.  My wife and I have found a boyfriend (super cool), basically it's an arrangement that everyone is comfortable with to fill a need that everyone wants.  So far it's working out great!

In a nutshell though, it's my first time with a man.   While it was an amazing experience, I had trouble relaxing which put a damper on the whole PIV experience. 

I'm using the biggest dilator in my kit so I think I'm in a place physically where it's possible but not mentally.   How do you just relax and let it happen?! 

Something else I'd never even considered is that sex for me up to this point in my life has been from a different perspective completely.   That was a completely unexpected revelation (and a real bummer in retrospect).  I realize that my whole outlook needs to change, thinking about it I think it already has but actually *doing* it is a different story for me.....

It's only been my first try so far so I'm sure next time the first time jitters will be gone but I have lingering questions/concerns.....

Sorry if this is all TMI, I'd just really like some input from the community if possible....

Thanks and I'll try to be more active on here again!

[Mendi]

The more you do it, the more you relax, and the more you enjoy it 

That´s at least my experience. I can relate to the fact, that at first I was really nervous and probably not that relaxed. I was afraid, that something will get broken 

But now, I know that nothing will get broken and I can enjoy it and be relaxed.

[Emjay]

Thanks Mendi,

I think that's definitely true.....  just lots of practice.  He told me before he left that we would work on it, not to worry and we'll get there.   He was really super patient and sweet about the whole thing.   He knew it was my first time and all.

Strangely I wasn't worried about damaging anything, I was more worried about not being terrible at it!  (Which made me actually terrible at it)

Maybe it was a case of my wanting to do everything all at once and I need to concentrate on just enjoying the moment.  I really did have a lot built up in my mind before it happened.

[NatalieRene]

Thanks Mendi,

I think that's definitely true.....  just lots of practice.  He told me before he left that we would work on it, not to worry and we'll get there.   He was really super patient and sweet about the whole thing.   He knew it was my first time and all.

Strangely I wasn't worried about damaging anything, I was more worried about not being terrible at it!  (Which made me actually terrible at it)

Maybe it was a case of my wanting to do everything all at once and I need to concentrate on just enjoying the moment.  I really did have a lot built up in my mind before it happened.

It sounds like you where thinking about it a little too much. What I have found helps when I started was to explore myself and see what felt good. Eventually the mechanics work themselves out naturally.

Practice will eliminate performance anxiety.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Emjay, welcome back. Could you do me a big favor? Could you not disappear and maybe update us on your progress. I think of the situation you are in.  I don't know if I will get there, but I am interested in how it works out for you. Please! Oh, where are my manners? I'm Moni. Happy to meet you!

[Emjay]

Hi Emjay, welcome back. Could you do me a big favor? Could you not disappear and maybe update us on your progress. I think of the situation you are in.  I don't know if I will get there, but I am interested in how it works out for you. Please! Oh, where are my manners? I'm Moni. Happy to meet you!

Hi Moni, I'm happy to meet you too! 

I see a lot of familiar faces here but also a lot of new ones too.   I'm glad to see this site is still thriving, it has been an invaluable resource for me over the years.

I'm happy to share anything regarding my own transition/ surgery/ experience if it'll help and am looking forward to it! 

Tbh, 4 months ago I never would have even dreamt about trying this with a man or anyone else.   I've been in physical therapy and it's really helped me.   I was stuck in a dilation routine that was going nowhere until then and had no idea how to fix it.   My therapist has been amazing and made all the difference in the world.   I highly recommend it to everyone feeling the same way I was.

I never actually intended to disappear from here, life just got in the way.   I took a break just before surgery to concentrate on myself because I felt like I really needed it.   Then got caught up in starting a business, working toward a career change (still in process but moving along), and being a mommy to an amazing little boy (he's a toddler now, I had forgotten how much time and energy they require from my first son 22 years ago lol)

Things are overall good though, and I'm glad to be back on here.   😊

[HappyMoni]

Hi Emjay,
   Lol you may have started to disappear around the time I started to be on here more. It sounds like you have an amazing, but busy life. Congratulations! My youngest is about to turn 30.
   You say you were stuck in a dilation routine going nowhere and the physical therapist helped with that? Are you eluding to a depth problem? I am post op as well. Not sure if I will ever get the chance to be with a man, but my interest seems to have turned in that direction. Surprise!!! Nothing is ever simple, right?
   I am glad you are back. This place has gotten me through a lot. I have texted and met some wonderful people through this site. I still enjoy speaking to others. If I can occasionally help someone, well, that is always pretty cool! Got to admit you have my curiosity about both how the therapist helped you and how things work out with your experience with a guy. (If you want to share.)
   Thanks for answering. 
Moni

[Emjay]

Hi Emjay,
   Lol you may have started to disappear around the time I started to be on here more. It sounds like you have an amazing, but busy life. Congratulations! My youngest is about to turn 30.
   You say you were stuck in a dilation routine going nowhere and the physical therapist helped with that? Are you eluding to a depth problem? I am post op as well. Not sure if I will ever get the chance to be with a man, but my interest seems to have turned in that direction. Surprise!!! Nothing is ever simple, right?
   I am glad you are back. This place has gotten me through a lot. I have texted and met some wonderful people through this site. I still enjoy speaking to others. If I can occasionally help someone, well, that is always pretty cool! Got to admit you have my curiosity about both how the therapist helped you and how things work out with your experience with a guy. (If you want to share.)
   Thanks for answering. 
Moni

Hi Moni,

I do have a *crazy* busy life, especially right now.   Being in another sort of transition (career change, working both currently) eats up most of my time, our little one gets pretty much all the rest lol.

After gcs, I was moving along, healing well....  Things were progressing as they should, then over the summer something happened, no idea what triggered it and neither does my surgeon, but everything swelled up super tight and I had a bout with some granulation tissue.  Before that happened, I could cover all but two of the dots on my second largest dilator.  Afterward, I had to drop to the smallest one, could only cover really one dot and it was raku painful to get even that....  By last fall I was back up to the second smallest one, covering two dots, and the granulation was taken care of but things were stalled out.   I wasn't progressing any further.   My surgeon recommended pt to try and break me through.   When I met her, she examined me and found that from whatever happened, all of my stitch sites had turned into hard scars.   She promised we could get depth back and keep moving forward to larger dilators.   I was skeptical because I thought there was just no way BUT.....  she definitely knows way more than I......

It was a lot of stretching, massage to break up scar tissue, and pushing my limits (which I thought I was doing but after working with her I realized I had been babying myself the whole time).  Currently I've gotten almost all of my depth back (one dot left to go) and am using the largest dilator I was given and am ordering the next one up in size!

You are right about interests changing.   I never thought about being with a man before, ....like ever......  As time has gone on though, I notice their smell and how good it is.....  I catch myself checking them out, interests do change for sure.....  My wife is still my wife and best friend in the whole world, we are still so much in love with each other but she misses being with a man and.......  well I'm kind of into them now too so it seemed a good time to find someone.   

It was an amazing experience, even with my substandard performance.  I realized that I need to completely rethink how I approach sex now.   I'm not in that role, it belongs to someone else now.   Where things used to be intense, I HAVE to relax and let him lead.   At least for now..... 

I definitely have lots of things to work on before the next time.   I can't wait for it though, it was so. Freaking. Much. Fun!

If there is anything specific you want to know feel free to ask and I'll answer as best I can.   All I can really say is that it felt 100% natural to do and I really enjoyed it!

[TheRitz]

>-bleeped-<, even dilating makes me feel uneasy sometimes.  Having some large wango dango smashing up haphazardly in what my mind still and will most likely for the near future see as a painy surgical site just makes me feel phantom pains.

Of course its all in your mind, my experiences with anal (TLDR: I tried it, and hated it for many reasons) have kind of colored my idea of how vaginal is going to feel which is of course a lie but the mind does a great job of making like comparisons without your darn spank en permission.  The mind is a powerful tool, forcing it to create a good filing cabinet for sex is easy as giving it good experiences before upgrading to something more intimidating.  Just time consuming.  I don't suggest going full bore unless you are ready because then you're gonna clamp out of nervousness and its gonna be bad.  Clamped muscles could result in a painful experience and perhaps one that results in some blood which will just leave a bad experience to give you more tepidation.

I havnt had the experience yet, but that is just some logic behind the madness.  I envy those that can conquer some of their fears without even making it obvious they had any in the first place.

[pretty pauline]

Thanks Mendi,

I think that's definitely true.....  just lots of practice.  He told me before he left that we would work on it, not to worry and we'll get there.   He was really super patient and sweet about the whole thing.   He knew it was my first time and all.

Strangely I wasn't worried about damaging anything, I was more worried about not being terrible at it!  (Which made me actually terrible at it)

Maybe it was a case of my wanting to do everything all at once and I need to concentrate on just enjoying the moment.  I really did have a lot built up in my mind before it happened.

Sounds like you were over anxious, I went through the same experience my very first time with a man, a patient, caring and understanding guy does help, I was actually worried his weapon would do damage and asked him to be gentle with me, which he was, very surreal anxious experience having sex with a man as a woman for the first time, but it will and does work out, just totally relax, lie back and take it like woman, and let him be in control, we get to know what's enjoyable, I love the closeness and affectionate cuddle, I'm now married to a wonderful man, if I'm not in the mood he'll give me a kiss and cuddle, he knows I sometimes get anxious, but his gentleness always relaxes me and it's a winner for both of us, good times ahead for you with that guy, he wants it to work out and it will, best of luck.

[Emerald24]

my partner was interested in experimenting with a man whilst staying with me but unfortunately that is something i cant wrap my head around for us, even if i were to join in, the concept is too much for me so we agreed to shelve the idea until i am ready to discuss it with the real possibility that i will never want to do it or talk about it and she is fine with that. having said that she only told me she was trans a few months ago so anything could happen in the future but right now we are trying to find what is best and most comfortable for both of us.

to try to help her we got a few toys that allow me to penetrate her and it seems to be the way to go for us, its quite fun and has to be a bit light-hearted as you figure out how to do it but she is really happy with how it makes her feel and i'm enjoying getting to see it from the perspective she has always known. is it possible you and your wife could purchase a strap on or double ended toy so your wife can help you get used to being the receiver if she is interested in that? of course this all depends on you both being open to the idea but perhaps with your wife you would feel more comfortable as you will both be inexperienced and can have fun exploring something new together as training for the real deal with him? unless you have already tried this approach before? please let me know if you want any advice on the subject, I'm no expert but i can advise on what little i have learned so far.

if that's not for you then the only thing i can say is that i have had the same feeling when it comes to sex for the first time. am i any good? is he enjoying it? should i offer to get on top.... now I'm on top what on earth do i do? you worry you are trying to look sexy but actually look like a potato doing a weird pose, you dont know what to say, "should i say something naughty? no probably not.... maybe?" i think do what comes natural and ask what he likes to get some ideas, ask him to tell you if he finds something you do weird and get him to give you feedback when something you do is great.

best of luck to you

[HappyMoni]

my partner was interested in experimenting with a man whilst staying with me but unfortunately that is something i cant wrap my head around for us, even if i were to join in, the concept is too much for me so we agreed to shelve the idea until i am ready to discuss it with the real possibility that i will never want to do it or talk about it and she is fine with that. having said that she only told me she was trans a few months ago so anything could happen in the future but right now we are trying to find what is best and most comfortable for both of us.

to try to help her we got a few toys that allow me to penetrate her and it seems to be the way to go for us, its quite fun and has to be a bit light-hearted as you figure out how to do it but she is really happy with how it makes her feel and i'm enjoying getting to see it from the perspective she has always known. is it possible you and your wife could purchase a strap on or double ended toy so your wife can help you get used to being the receiver if she is interested in that? of course this all depends on you both being open to the idea but perhaps with your wife you would feel more comfortable as you will both be inexperienced and can have fun exploring something new together as training for the real deal with him? unless you have already tried this approach before? please let me know if you want any advice on the subject, I'm no expert but i can advise on what little i have learned so far.

if that's not for you then the only thing i can say is that i have had the same feeling when it comes to sex for the first time. am i any good? is he enjoying it? should i offer to get on top.... now I'm on top what on earth do i do? you worry you are trying to look sexy but actually look like a potato doing a weird pose, you dont know what to say, "should i say something naughty? no probably not.... maybe?" i think do what comes natural and ask what he likes to get some ideas, ask him to tell you if he finds something you do weird and get him to give you feedback when something you do is great.

best of luck to you

It's ironic that probably the sexiest think we can do is show confidence and yet with all the doubts and uncertainty it is the hardest thing to do. Emerald, I am in your partner's type of situation. I want no one but my partner as a life partner, but I don't want to miss out on sex with a man. I have zero guilt about being trans. I have tremendous guilt with these thoughts though. A strap on for me is nowhere close to what I need. I hope it is in your case. I have been totally up front with my partner, but don't know if anything will ever come of it. It is more complicated than this but it boils down to what I described.

[ForeverLacey]

The only thing that I can think of that will successfully relax you for penetration are "Poppers". Outside of that, practice, practice, and practice more sex! Once your muscles down there become acclimated to penetration, and your partner becomes familiar with the insertion angles, sex will become more natural. 

[HappyMoni]

The only thing that I can think of that will successfully relax you for penetration are "Poppers". Outside of that, practice, practice, and practice more sex! Once your muscles down there become acclimated to penetration, and your partner becomes familiar with the insertion angles, sex will become more natural.

Sounds like the best homework EVER!