Another night down the rabbit hole...

[JimenaCurious]

Well life in your early fifties, so the world would have you believe, is mortgage freedom, empty nests and the lure of playing off sctratch in the golf club.

So why am I STILL surfing trans sites? Why am I stil trying to work out who I am?

I've a happy marriage, two 'sorted' kids - now young adults, and things are good... but my mental wellbeing? Well, it seems to ebb and flow. So what? You may ask - don't we all? Well, I'm sure many on this site will recognise the ebb and flow intune with the purchase and purge of femme attire. The feeling that being me, isn't being male.

I've seen my sexuality squeezed through the mangle of 'kink' as I've fallen into fetish rituals - the quick fix. The notion that 'if someone forces me, it's not my fault' desires of certain femdom websites. They all leave guilt beyond what I'm prepared to accept.

So here I am - basket full of the next wave of outfits. Click and collect simpliticy. Then more guilt, then more purchases...

And what about the people around me who love me? My wife - of 30+ years? I came out as a cross dresser to her years ago. Then 'Chrissy' got selfish. My wife put her foot down and 'Chrissy' was locked firmly back in the closset - but not before both of us had explored and enjoyed some nights out. But that was then.

Chrissy now haunts me.

Selfishness sees me off into a chiffon sunset of self obsession.

Loyalty holds me in my relationship - keeping my manhood floating just above the surface.

It's exhausting.

Mental termoil.

Luckily, being a bit mentally unhinged is currently vogue - so I talk about feeling 'down'. People assume the pressure of work, or family or general 'stuff'. Non would suspect my desire for a 40C bust and hairless body.

It's exhausting.

I had my chest waxed once. I told my wife it was curiosity. She saw through it. I sobbed into her shoulder. She understood, but wants me - her 'hubby'. Not a wife or girlfriend.

So here I am. Basket full of click and collect - hovering over the 'buy it now' button.

Another fix for a 'can't face the truth' gender junky.

It's exhausting.

[V M]

Hi Jimena 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Unfortunately it doesn't get any better with time and tends to get worst. We have member in their 60's and 70's who are in their transition verifying what I am telling you. As you may have noticed, on this site we don't insist you take a certain path. Some people join and continue to avoid a transition. Other find HRT is sufficient to avoid the rest of the transition while the remainder do what they wish they would have done years ago. Whatever you decide, we are here to help you find your place.