These last three weeks have been interesting, a little scary, intense, intimate...
[a little background: She and I were friends for years, became friends with benefits, and over the last few years have evolved into.... Well, the other day we agreed that "lovers" was a pretty good label. We get together about once a week, more when our crazy schedules allow.]
About a month ago, she "joked" that she had considered putting on a dress before I came over. My response was something to the effect of "you do you". I'd always known she had a thing for women's clothing, and honestly, I found the idea hot. I spent the next week excitedly wondering "will she or won't she?" She did not disappoint.
She left the door unlocked for me. She was dancing around in this cute little black dress, makeup, and nail polish that I recognized as her favorite shade of pink. She was a sight to behold, but what really grabbed me was how happy she seemed, how much more relaxed than usual. Initially, she was anxious about how I might react, but my reaction took even me by surprise, and we had an amazing evening.
Later that week, she sent a selfie from work, makeup, women's shirt, HUGE smile. And a nametag.
What do you when you love them, but don't like their chosen name? I wish that were the worst of things I'm afraid to tell her.
The worst, actually, is how I feel like a clumsy >-bleeped-<. I'm afraid that she'll think I'm fetishizing or objectifying her. I do realize that sounds a little rediculous, considering our relationship was pretty much based on sex in the first place, but I can't shake it. I'm pretty good at following her lead (and she, mine), and we've really not found much in the way of sexual incompatibility, even in the last three weeks. So why do I feel like >-bleeped-< for being just as attracted and turned on by her as ever??? (ok, maybe a little more, I mean, my gods, she's so much more confident and comfortable in her own skin!)
She's been leaning on me a bit for clothing advice, though she's actually more versed in fashion than I am. I'm afraid of making her look like a fool.
I'm only a little afraid of losing her. Truly, I just want her to be happy and free, whether she keeps me around or not.
I'm terrified for her. Even in our liberal enclave, I know the hatred, the descrimination that exists out there. I worry about getting the phone call that some violent >-bleeped-< has put her in the hospital, or worse.
For her part, it's pretty obvious she loves me, and trusts me more than most. She's shown me such appreciation for.... Whatever it is I've been doing these last few weeks.
I promise I'm not totally clueless, from growing up with an awesome transgender neighbour to my many LGBTQ+ friends over the years, to my own struggles with my gender identity and sexual orientation. But this is the first intimate relationship I've been with someone so early in transition.
And I feel like an >-bleeped-<, because it really shouldn't be all that different than with any other friend, right?
