Mom of a trans daughter, how can I support her?

[Jilian]

Hi all, I'm new here. I've been reading posts and learning but wanted to say hi and introduce myself. I'm the mom of a 16 year old trans daughter. She just came out as trans 2 weeks ago. Before that she was my very feminine, makeup wearing gay son. I've long suspected she was meant to be a girl. When she was 3 she told me "God made a mistake and gave me a penis, I'm a grill (girl)" so I never held her to gender norms. I bought her a cape and she turned it around, slapped a belt on and said "look, a dress!" So this is no surprise. I've assured her that I love the spirit within her and that whatever her outside body looks like is ok with me. But she's struggling very much. Her anxiety is through the roof. She can barely function some days. She's at the point where living as a boy is destroying her but she's afraid.

She was just hospitalized for a week to start medication and get help for her depression and anxiety. We have a therapist (who is gay and works mostly with LGBT teens) and we're in Boston so we're on the waitlist with children's hospital GEMS program for hormone blockers. Her grandma is taking her clothes shopping today for some new stuff.

How can I best support her? I'm afraid for her. I want people to see her for the beautiful spirit she is, not just as the trans person, you know? I fear people will want to harm her. I also fear jumping into the transition too soon because she's still young. Will she regret any of it? Am I negligent to start her on hormones? I'm open to any and all advice.

Also? You all are inspiring and beautiful. I'm in awe of your strength after reading your stories. You all give me hope for my girl ❤️

[Chloe]

Kinda in *shock* right now , , , watch the new Netflix movie "Girl", I was impressed despite terrible ending (which in real life didn't happen) and then . . .

Read this thread - perhaps talk/connect with a kindred trans mother?

I am a parent who's also "trans", have known for 40 years, and am realizing not all of us "survive it"? I added you to my "buddy/watch" list don't wanna see THAT happen again!

Cheers for you! Sounds like your doing all the right things already!

[HappyMoni]

Dear Jilian,
   Hi welcome to Susan's Place. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things correctly. Thank you for your accepting attitude and the love you are showing. I look back at my own desperation and think of what was important to me to know. I really needed to know that a good outcome was possible. Being trans and not being yourself is like carrying a ten thousand pound weight around with you. With your daughter being so young, I would say present her a glimpse of a future where she can see her being herself, being happy and surrounded by supportive people. It is so important that she has hope to achieve a happy future. Yes, she will go through some things, but they are doable. I know you have your fears as a parent. I am a parent as well. Show her you believe in her and her future. Don't have your face be one of all your fears. I think it is incredibly unlikely that she will do a right turn from what she is telling you now. (I'm no doctor.)
   I would urge you to keep talking to us here. It is a safe place and there is a collective wisdom that comes from experience. Speaking as someone who doubted it was possible for me to face this, I have transitioned and am incredibly happy because of it. Oh, my name is Moni, short for Monica. If I can ever do anything to help, I would be happy to do so. Hugs to you, Mom. Hi to your daughter.

I think the Girl movie shows how powerful the drive to be yourself is, but the ending is disturbing in my opinion. It might do more to heighten anxiety than help, when first starting to understand this. My thought.

[Linde]

Hi Jillian, as a parent I can tell you that the best support you can give your child is lots of love and understanding.  In our family it is me who is trans, my son is as cis as they come.  But he is a great support for me.   
We all need loved ones who support us, and make sure that we are not out there alone.  For any trans person, no matter what age, the outside world is challenging and tries to ridicule us whenever they can.  At that point nothing can replace a loving, understanding parent (for me this is my son).

Continue to be a loving and understanding parent to your new daughter, and help her to thrive and become the most beautiful and happiest person in the world!
She is so wonderful young, and has her entire life as a female in front of her, I really envy her for this!
I like many here, tried to live a very long time as a man, and were miserable for doing so.  I am finally a happy woman now!

Your daughter has the chance to be this happy person for her entire life, help her with lots of love and understanding to be able to do this!

I wish the two of you lots of luck!
Linde

[V M]

Hi Jilian 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

I think it's great that you support her like you do

How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[F_P_M]

you keep being the best momma you can be.

she'll need that support, and make sure she knows she can talk to you about everything. Every doubt, every niggling thought because doubt? it's suuuuper common in this journey and really normal.

The fact she has a supportive family is really going to make things a lot easier, but realistically, it'll always be rough.
She has an advantage that she's going into this with people on her side and young, unlike some of us who lived shadow lives well into adulthood.

You aren't negligant at all, you're listening to your child. It is her body and her life and the best you can do as a parent is support them through that as safely and with as much love as possible.

I hope her transition goes well and she goes on to be happy and confident and comfortable in her flesh and her life.

[Jilian]

Thank you all. I really like the idea of getting her some trans role models to look up to. We listened to Janet Mock on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday podcast the other day and that was nice for both of us. She follows someone named Gigi Gorgeous that has transitioned too. And I binge-listened to all of the "How to be a girl" podcast done by mom of a trans daughter. My nephew is trans too - he came out when he was 7! He's 9 now. So my sister is very plugged in with our local trans support groups. I'll be attending our local PFLAG for transgender parents soon - they also have a group for the kids to get together that I'll encourage my daughter to attend. My sister has taken her son to meet Jazz and attends lots of group events so we'll join in for the next one too. She recommended we watch this season of "I am Jazz" because Jazz is candid about the surgeries she's been through. My daughter is extremely interested in the surgeries and wants to know more so I've been trying to learn and share info. She thought that to be trans she had to have the full gender reassignment surgery (is that the correct term? Apologies if it is not) and I've assured her that she does not if she doesn't want to. She can still be 100% female without having any surgery. I think that was a relief, but she does have a great hate for anything that feels male to her.

I can see that each time she transitions a little more (first it was "no more haircuts" and then "I'm gonna transition my clothes" and "no more body hair" and "makeup every day") she seems to feel less burdened. A few weeks ago she wasn't sleeping or eating (she lost 13 lbs and she's already very thin) and was having constant panic attacks and couldn't attend her classes at school. I thought we were gonna lose her, she was in such bad shape and hurting so much. But she's seeming more and more comfortable each time she owns the fact that she is a girl. She's working up the courage to go to school with her new clothes. I'll meet with the school on Monday and let them know - our school is pretty excellent and was always accepting and protective when she was a gay boy - so I expect acceptance for her coming out as a female. There is one other trans girl at her school currently too.

One part that has been very hard for her is that her father (my ex husband) is a Jehovah's Witness and is very unaccepting of anything related to being gay or tans. We've been divorced since she was 2 and I remarried when she was 5. Her stepdad is extremely accepting as is all of our family. But not having her father's acceptance (and it goes further than that - he shames her and tries really hard to get her to be straight) is really, really hard on her. For that reason, she hasn't told him that she's trans. She doesn't want to because she fears he will block her from being allowed to go through the GEMS program and start blockers. I fear that too, but I assured her that I'll do what I need to do to make it happen. Lucky for us, her father lives 3.5 hours away and they rarely see each other in person. So hiding it won't be too difficult.

Sorry for the novel, it is so refreshing to be around others who understand. Some people just don't get it, you know? And my sister's son is FTM so the transition is different, and he hasn't hit puberty yet so he hasn't entered the world of blockers or hormones or surgeries.   

[AnneK]

Hi Jillian

I'm glad to see parents like you around.  When I was your daughter's age, I was terrified someone would find out I was "different".  I did everything I could to keep others from finding out.  I initially started out by trying on my sister's tights and later stockings.  After I moved out on my own, I started buying my own things and my ex liked to see me in stockings or pantyhose.  I later on started full cross dressing.  All this time, I tried to keep things secret, except from a select few.  However, in the past few years I accepted I am trans and recently started HRT.  My life would have been completely different, if I had the support you are providing your daughter.  I have no idea how my mother would have reacted, as I was too scared to tell her.  Keep up the good work, your daughter will appreciate it.

[krobinson103]

As someone who knew something had to change at 13 which was 31 years ago and tried to meet the 'expectation' of society for almost 30 years I have to applaud your support of your daughter. Spending most of your life pretending is a crushing weight, and, leads to complications later (spouse, job, etc) which makes it harder. Transitioning at 16 will be challenging but also a great opportunity.

Its not something to fear, but something to celebrate. She will need your support as its a real roller coaster ride! I'll echo the comments above. Susan's has many resources and a vast collective experience that can only help your family come to terms with the changes ahead. I'd like to suggest you read my little poem at the bottom of this message and look at the positives of this process and there are many!

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Jillian.  Welcome.

Congratulations on being a loving, supportive parent.  It sounds to me like you are doing everything right.

I also fear jumping into the transition too soon because she's still young. Will she regret any of it? Am I negligent to start her on hormones?

Your daughter has shown a consistent pattern of gender identity for most of her life.  That is not a "phase".  It is highly unlikely that she will regret transitioning. 

It would be really beneficial to her to start her on androgen blockers as soon as possible, to prevent any further effects of male puberty.  Medical professionals are divided on whether to prescribe replacement hormones under age 18.  Most will wait until the person is 18 before starting hormones, but some will start them as early as 16.  That is something you should talk over with your daughter's doctor.

[Jilian]

Krobinson, thanks for the perspective, you are right! I'm happy that she can live her truth from this point forward.

I know you're right KathyLauren. This has been a consistent pattern. I have two other children who have never questioned their gender so I know it's not just a phase that kids go through.

We aren't due to be seen with Gems until August. I don't know that we can get blockers before then. But we're on their waitlist for cancellations. I'd like to get her started sooner rather than later. I wonder if a pediatrician would prescribe a blocker?

[RetroTS]

Hi all, I'm new here. I've been reading posts and learning but wanted to say hi and introduce myself. I'm the mom of a 16 year old trans daughter. She just came out as trans 2 weeks ago. Before that she was my very feminine, makeup wearing gay son. I've long suspected she was meant to be a girl. When she was 3 she told me "God made a mistake and gave me a penis, I'm a grill (girl)" so I never held her to gender norms. I bought her a cape and she turned it around, slapped a belt on and said "look, a dress!" So this is no surprise. I've assured her that I love the spirit within her and that whatever her outside body looks like is ok with me. But she's struggling very much. Her anxiety is through the roof. She can barely function some days. She's at the point where living as a boy is destroying her but she's afraid.

She was just hospitalized for a week to start medication and get help for her depression and anxiety. We have a therapist (who is gay and works mostly with LGBT teens) and we're in Boston so we're on the waitlist with children's hospital GEMS program for hormone blockers. Her grandma is taking her clothes shopping today for some new stuff.

How can I best support her? I'm afraid for her. I want people to see her for the beautiful spirit she is, not just as the trans person, you know? I fear people will want to harm her. I also fear jumping into the transition too soon because she's still young. Will she regret any of it? Am I negligent to start her on hormones? I'm open to any and all advice.

Also? You all are inspiring and beautiful. I'm in awe of your strength after reading your stories. You all give me hope for my girl ❤️

Jilian,

Let your daughter be your daughter. Be there to hug her and love her when she has a bad day. Let her know that you love her, unconditionally. Tell her that she is beautiful. Do girl things with her (mani's, pedi's, shopping, etc). The fact that you reached out to us tells me that you are a class "A" Super Mom who is in tune with your child. This isn't easy for the both of you, but you got this. Simply be a Mom to your Daughter

There are going to be lots of ups and downs, setbacks, false starts, tears from both of you, and she may be on the receiving end of discrimination. Hug her, love her, embrace who she is, and most importantly be proud of her. If she is up for it, find an accepting martial arts dojo to teach her self defense. It will do wonders for her self confidence. It did wonders for me.

Try to find a support group in your area if possible. You will find that we are an awful lot of fun to be around ;-)

But most importantly Jilian, remember to be a Mom. You two will be just fine!

[Nightfall]

You are not being negligent, at 12 you may have been premature for anything other than blockers but not now. I have been there, at that age and younger, sometimes it feels like you can't breathe, you can't function and only one thing matters.

From what you have said you are doing all of the right things. You can't protect her from this as hard as that may be to accept. It can be hard or not, you just don't know but I think you do know that it can't be avoided. Monitor her mental health as much as you can, that age is hard for everyone and trans is like a nuclear bomb on top of that.

It's, I don't know. You made me cry. I have no idea what my life would have been like if one person in my life had been like you. I am so glad that your daughter will never have to experience anything like my life. Thank you.

[Jilian]

Nightfall, big hugs to you! I'm sorry that you didn't have the support you needed. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. You're brave for embracing your truth despite not having the support that you deserved. You're a warrior ❤️

[Nightfall]

  Hugs!

[AnneK]

Nightfall, big hugs to you! I'm sorry that you didn't have the support you needed. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. You're brave for embracing your truth despite not having the support that you deserved. You're a warrior ❤️

Back when I was her age, if a kid came out as trans or gay, they'd likely be taken to a shrink to be "cured".  Fortunately, those days are largely gone and many of today's kids have parents like you, who encourage them to lead their life.

[Anne Blake]

Hello Jilian,

I can't tell you how much joy your coming to Susan's in search of ways to support your daughter has given me. You have actually brought me to tears!

There have been many very good suggestions on how to support your daughter, the best being to just love your daughter, hold her close and give her totally unconditional support and love. The mani and pedi idea. sounds great as well.

You do well worrying for her, both her and your journeys will be difficult and for a young one, almost impossible to handle alone. Together you can create a story that will be cherished by our entire community!

So, please stay around, read, ask, listen and share your progresses. And love on that girl as if her life depended upon it. Thank you for being the mom that so many of us wished we had growing up!

Tia Anne

[Quinn]

Its wonderful that you are supportive of her , i would like to mention the show "I am Jazz"
If you do not know about it already it is about a teenage Trans girl and her journey with struggles and achievements during her transition. Unlike a lot of the shows that are actors portraying roles. This show is real time about Jazz Jennings and her family.
On the show there are many transgendered teenagers, these are all real people and their stories

You may wnat watch this with her and it could also help You with some of your questions would probably be answered or you would at least know what questions to ask , Jazz parents and siblings also talk about their roles and feelings during the transition, this is about real life as she is going thru it

I believe there is 3 seasons now

Have to warn you thou its addicting Lol

lots of hugs and understanding

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You are doing about everything that can be done at this point. Transgender treatment isn't something that can be done in 48 hours but takes a few years to accomplish. The surgery may take up to a year when you include the followup but the social adjustments can take even longer. Your daughter has spent years learning the male role so adjusting to the feminine isn't going to happen overnight.

There is a good deal more available today than when I transitioned. Blockers are relatively new and in the past, medical treatment wasn't started until a person was 18. A few people were able to socially transition if they had understanding parents but that was rare. Compared to the past, you have made great progress and in as little as a year or two I am sure you will see many changes.

One thing your daughter might consider is visiting this web site. People of all ages are welcome and we watch over our younger members so they are protected from harm.

[Jilian]

Thanks, I'll certainly let her know about this website. She's already super feminine- always has been so that makes things easier. She's also an amazing artist and makeup artist so she's got the makeup down pat. She went thrifting with her grandma yesterday and came home with a whole new wardrobe, I'm teaching her about bras and how to flatter her shape to give the illusion of feminine curves. I also had to give her the talk about dressing too provocatively and getting unwanted male attention. I like the idea of a self defense class.

She told me yesterday that she wants to be a feminist and show the world that women can achieve great things. I'm really proud of her. I, myself am a woman working in a male dominated-field (accounting) and I work hard to clear a spot for women in the upper level and empower them to advance their careers. I'd love to see her do the same, especially for LGBT women.

She's doing very well today. She loves her new clothes and came out to her younger brother and sister at dinner last night. She said she'd like us all to start using female pronouns and we agreed and told her she was very brave to tell us all. She's considering coming out to her cousins tomorrow at Easter. That should go very well too as one of her cousins is trans (FTM). Monday I meet with her school and she gave me her blessing to tell them and work out the bathroom and locker room logistics.

Oh! And I ordered her a rose gold wig. She is SO EXCITED. I'll see if she'll let me post a pic of her when she tries it on. She's so beautiful, wait til you all see her!