Don't connect with trans women who prefer an "alternative" lifestyle...

[sarahc]

So I'm having a hard time connecting with other trans women...and I think it's because a lot of trans women, particularly those in the couple of support groups I have been do, enjoy being part of the "alternative" lifestyle. And I'm happy for them! Go for it!

But that's just not my own personality. I am a bit more of a traditionalist and prefer being really boring and blending in. And so when I meet other trans folks who more prefer an alternative lifestyle, we really don't have anything in common besides being trans. It's really like we're from two different worlds.

I actually bond well with straight women who share my interests and personality tendencies, but since I haven't physically transitioned, it's too early to say whether I'll be accepted by them after I go full-time. (I sure hope so!). I really haven't found a trans women that I can connect with, which has been a bummer.

Anyone else feel the same? That you don't click with most of the other trans women you meet in real life?

[KarynMcD]

I actually bond well with straight women who share my interests and personality tendencies, but since I haven't physically transitioned, it's too early to say whether I'll be accepted by them after I go full-time. (I sure hope so!). I really haven't found a trans women that I can connect with, which has been a bummer.

If you get along well with CIS women now, you'll probably gte along just fine with them afterwards. The relationship will change as they start accepting you as a women though.

I'm not friends with any TG women, not that I don't want to be, but they just aren't in my circles.

[krobinson103]

I get on with most people and since I don't care about blending in (though I can do so easily) it makes no difference to me. I just like people who are compatible. That being said, while I am active in promoting trans rights etc I wouldn't go around waving a trans flag every day...

[nadia1971]

I understand, actually.  I loathe sticking out in a crowd, and if I could just blend in and have no one notice me, I'd be incredibly happy.  This might be a bit of "the grass is greener" for me because I have about zero chance of that happening when I transition.  I'm 6'5" and most people find me startlingly tall as a man.  As a woman?  I can't even imagine, yet.  If cis ladies enjoy your company now, they'll probably still enjoy your company during and after your transition.  Build solid friendships now and you'll have less hump to get over later.

[CarlyMcx]

I understand this completely.  I have little in common with most other trans women I know, simply because they live in a different world than I do. 

I socialize far better with cis women in my field, and since coming fully out a little over a year ago I've acquired a slew of besties, just about all of whom work in my field or related fields.  We understand each other because we live in the same world.

[Josie_L]

Great topic, and like others here have already said.. just have no connection with other trans women at all.
Not necessarily due to their 'alternative' lifestyle but found that most tend to follow rather than be their
individual self, and that holds no interest for me. x 

[CynthiaAnn]

Interesting topic, I get along with most people, however being trans is not the basis for a relationship or friendship IMHO. It can be a catalyst to bring people together to let's say for a "support meeting" or similar, but beyond that it takes other topics or areas of interest.

Having said that I have created friendships with other women that "happened to be trans" that share common interests with me, such as hiking, biking, or music.

So taking that idea here to the forums, I like to communicate with others in "hobby" or special interest topics here. I like to create friendships based on other common interests, and if they happen to be trans, that's great.

Trans is simply a slice of humanity, as diverse as ever...

Cynthia

[KathyLauren]

being trans is not the basis for a relationship or friendship IMHO. It can be a catalyst to bring people together to let's say for a "support meeting" or similar, but beyond that it takes other topics or areas of interest.

I agree with this.  I do not have a lot in common with the other trans folks in the support group.  They live in a different world than I do.  There is a group of us that live within reasonable driving distance of each other that get together from time to time to socialize, but all we have in common is being ourselves out in public.

I have more in common with many cis women than with trans women.  Being trans is only one part of who I am.  Obviously, as long as I am transitioning, it is a huge part of my self-image, but that is not enough by itself to be a basis for friendship.  I have other "real world" interests, and these are my main sources of interest and interaction.

[KristySims]

I am curious to what you mean by an 'alternative' lifestyle. I only have a couple of Transgender friends and although we have almost a 20 year age gap, their situation is very similar to mine, I could only dream of being young and becoming who I am when I could have enjoyed my 20's as a woman. Other than the fact they like to go out on the weekends to some of the local LGBTQ clubs, they are pretty much like me... they live pretty normal and just want to blend into the background.  Like the other posts, I defiantly click with other Cis women but considering .3% of the population is Trans I don't really have that many Trans friends.

[pamelatransuk]

I agree with Karyn. I have always felt better in women's company than men's. I am 14 months HRT and will be publicly transitioning in Summer. I believe that I will continue to enjoy women's company and that if or after they accept me as a woman, the friendship would be enhanced.

As a separate matter, I know a few transitioning transwomen and friendships may materialise with some of them but if so, that they are trans is only one factor and not a deciding factor. Friendships develop due to circumstances and common interests and being trans is just one example of so many potential common interests.

Hugs

Pamela

[Devlyn]

I am curious to what you mean by an 'alternative' lifestyle....

Ditto. The O/P's post comes across as.... intolerance, and a trans person who doesn't like other trans people often indicates a lack of self acceptance, and/or internalised transphobia. Also, if by alternative you mean gay or lesbian sex, you've chosen a poor site to express disdain for it. We welcome all here.

[Karen_A]

Many years ago (19ish IIRC) I was on a Post-op only mailing list that had over 100 members... and for awhile it was a very good resource... until it self destructed over lifestyle issues. IIRC it was not primarily about stealth or out (there were some at both extremes there) but problems over other "lifestyle" issues...

Being TS and even being post-op does not make us all the same...

One can be "conservative"or traditional in some ways but be liberal politically as well as the other way around or any combination...While we have some experiences in common, who we are can be as different as between any two people.

I fully understand wanting to live a "normal" life and been seen and treated as any other woman...

While i may be mistaken, I would be surprised if that is not what the majority of us wanted started out (i know it was for me)... But not all of us can get there no matter how much we want it, and for some it ultimately does not fit with how they se themselves and who they are (being TS means our socialization and development is different from those not TS and can shape who some become and how they see themselves)

If things turn out that one can blend in well enough it means potentially one has a very different life than one who can't after.

For myself I very much wanted to be a normal woman and always did... but for number of reasons (the physical not being the least of which) I could not get there. I am not and never will be happy about that...

In my early years I met a lot of people in the community ... but over time I drifted apart from them and for many years my only real contact has been on-line

I could relate emotionally to those that wanted to blend in, but those that could lives became too different... and I could not relate emotionally to those who lives centered around being TS... So I drifted way from the 3D community.

I want to be clear there were could people that I liked and respected in at both ends ... but our lives were just too dissimilar for the long term.

- karen

[Karen_A]

Ditto. The O/P's post comes across as.... intolerance, and a trans person who doesn't like other trans people often indicates a lack of self acceptance, and/or internalised transphobia.

It can go both ways...

It seem to me some might see your post as intolerant of those that who they are leads them to want to assimilate as much as possible.

Who someone is comfortable with, is who they are comfortable with. How they want to live their lives is how they want live THEIR lives... and that goes for those who want live in the community and those that don't... both are equally valid.

- Karen

[Kylo]

Ditto. The O/P's post comes across as.... intolerance, and a trans person who doesn't like other trans people often indicates a lack of self acceptance, and/or internalised transphobia. Also, if by alternative you mean gay or lesbian sex, you've chosen a poor site to express disdain for it. We welcome all here.

I detect no disdain in the OP's post for anybody. I do however detect some disdain, judgement and a keenness to find something in it offensive in yours.

[GingerVicki]

There are many non-binary people who I do not get along with. I do not believe that it is because they are non-binary, but we just do not have things in common with each other.

I will say that with the people who I've met they expect things of me that I do not do. Be girly is an example of something that I really am not as per their opinion. I like my boots, sneakers, jeans, and t-shirts. I do not do traditional female hair, nails, or dress.

I am me and if people do not like me for me then I move on.

[KristySims]

Well I still am not exactly sure what you mean by 'alternative' lifestyle... my mind is all over the place. Perhaps you just haven't met anyone that simply shares your interests and/or support. I don't think I would give up on not making Transgender friends... at the end of the day people are people... some you click with and others you don't. For me I just want to blend in with the world and it not be about my gender whatsoever. 

[Rachel]

Hi, I am alive in part to the love, acceptance and understanding from community. There were quite a few woman that did not make it and I think of them at times.

I drifted from community as my transition progressed and I blended better. Maybe it was because I no longer feel different. I have seen every lifestyle there is and shared friendship will everyone that would be my friend. I have had girls cry when they shared with me their hardships. I think we love those that love us back. Yet I drifted apart.

[Nightfall]

It doesn't seem uncommon. People want different things out of transition, it may not always be possible to find a group that fits our own path. It doesn't need to be a bad thing, for me it was so much better when I gave up on being part of the community and started to just be one of the girls. It is much more comfortable. The only sucky part is the in between. When you haven't yet developed the girl feel that it takes to fit into the group, guy groups are not really working for you or them and you don't fit into the community. It does get better, like the rest of transition it usually takes some time. Those groups are really good for some and I think they are great to give people a place they can be themselves. If they aren't for some, well after being out with the girls a few times you will probably never miss those events or groups.

Personally, I love going to Pride. I don't have to belong, just take along a friend that can enjoy it as much as I do. To be honest I love to go to a drag show occasionally and Pride is the biggest around here. I also have been to a few lgbt clubs now and they were fantastic though I have had people say that other clubs were nowhere near as good. Guys aren't hitting on me witch is great and my boyfriend doesn't give me the twenty questions when I get home. Girls are not nearly as bad when it comes to trying to pick you up, not even the more persistent ones. It is so funny having a tiny girl grab my hand and try to coax me onto the dance floor and me a half a foot taller am the girly one! It is almost a shame sometimes about some of the men though, I have never seen a larger collection of gorgeous men in my life. Dance with your friends and maybe some other girls, certainly if you are into girls, I know some of my friends have gone home with other women.

The point is, if it feels helpful or comfortable having those groups can be really good, if not then there are many other options. You don't have to part of anything lgbt at all if you don't want to, there is nothing wrong with that. If you get along with cis women now you will probably get along just as well after.

[JamesG]

While we all wait for @sarahc to elaborate on what she meant....

I kind of understand what she means (If I understand her right, lol).  When I first realized I was gender dysphoric, I started casting about, mostly online, for others like me or friends.  Because I was also kinda in the "lifestyle" of swinging and playing, basically sexually confused and venting my male libido, this meant clubs and personals sites,  and a lot of the trans folk that you find there are those that are what I'll call "fetishists", either people wayyyyy down the rabbit-hole of sexual experience, or actually men (mentally) who cross dress for the sexual taboo.  Along with quite a few that were just plain nuts to put it bluntly.  All the friendships and relationships I had with other, notionally "trans" people were superficial and centered around sexual gratification.

When HRT started its magic of giving me a more female sex drive and lower... impulsivity(?) this really lost any appeal to me, and I completely dropped out of "the scene".  I'm now married and all of our friends are just as married and boring as me.  lol. The few trans people I still keep in touch with are all online and we only keep sporadic contact.

[Lady Sarah]

For me, living in a rural area gives me the blessing of not having to deal with people that enjoy sticking out like a sore thumb. Sure, most folk have their quirks, but much of the flamboyancy i have seen in San Francisco is pleasantly absent.