I want to transition, but can seem to follow through with it - even if i want it

[Davina13]

Hi Everyone,

I am married with 2 kids and love them dearly. Other than my therapist and others on chat groups, nobody close to me knows i am transgender. I have never come out. I have tried to transition twice and failed. i have been on HRT for a month and stopped, then started again 6 months later for 4 months. I thought if i got going and things changed i would be forced to come out. At 4 months i had such surprising breast growth that was becoming very noticeable, that i got scared and stopped. Another month and i would be out right now. I am still carrying excess breast tissue from that time, but no one has noticed.

The strange thing is my wife keeps mentioning how she liked me more when i was more feminine. The other day she mentioned it again and that sparked my feelings again to want to transition again and go back onto hormones. I know i can't keep going backwards and forwards. I need to find a solution. But can't seem to. I have tried so hard to try and forget being transgender and focus on being a father and husband, but that's not working. I keep wanting to transition again.

The feeling of being on hormones was one of the best times of my life. I have NEVER been so focused and determined with anything i was doing. I loved the peace and levelness that it brought to my mind. I really miss that.

Love
Davina

[Quinn]

You really need to figure out what is holding you back. It is ok to give yourself permission to be Happy.
Transition can be selfish but because it is strictly for you, and you are programmed to think of your family first.
you half to give your self permission to be selfish in this one thing.

Again, you have the right to be Happy!

Its sound to me like your wife is aware of what you have been going thru and is trying to let you know she is giving you her permission or at least she enjoys spending time with the more feminine you.


Maybe it is  time to talk to her a little bit about how your feeling, just sharing your feeling can be powerful. Maybe you can bring her to one of your therapy sessions and they can help. Again this doesn't mean you have to transition.
It just means you are opening up a little more and may be surprised what is there. Only you can decide if that is right.

One of hardest things for me in all of this has always been "Keeping the secret" for decades. Everytime that I take another step, come out to another person this overwhelming pressure that has been on me for my whole life lifts off me a little bit more, I can breath just a little easier. This pressure that I felt I never really knew how heavy it was until I started truelly transitioning and weight lift off. Transition is a process and takes time . For me I started therapy at 50
started HRT at 51 just turned 53 yesterday. My progress is slower than some faster than others. But my transition is my own no one elses. It on my timeline and I can go as far as I want. I gave myself permission to be happy and to be selfish in this one aspect of my life.

When I started this , every thought I had about it was based on fear. When I would talk to my therapist and she would ask me if questions about certain aspects like coming out to people, going out in public on and on. All my answers to her were always the worse care scenario, never once did I answer her with a possibility that the outcome could be positive. It was always the worse case negative reaction that I expected.
She told me that I have a doomsday complex when it comes to this. I had to work really hard to believe that maybe just maybe that people reactions would be positive and that world would not end by my coming out or proceeding.

Guess what, she was right . I have moved farther than I thought I ever would when I first sat down on her couch. I have yet to ever have any worse case. Most people don't really care at all they have their own life to worry about. Have had a few doctors that raised an eyebrow or two but you know what , who cares.

I think maybe you should start thinking about the positives that transitioning for whatever that means to you can have on your life. You only have to go as far as you want . there is not a step by step rule book

Hope something that I said may help you along the way

Hugs

[Gabriel_C]

Are you seeing a therapist? Because a good therapist could help you find out what's holding you back.

[Davina13]

Hi Quin,

Thanks so much for your reply to my predicament. Firstly, i can say that i know exactly what holds me back, its my family. Otherwise i am pretty sure that i would have transitioned by now. If i can get my head around this, then i could move on with transition.

Gabriel_C mentioned that i should see a therapist about this. Well, i have been seeing one for the past 2 years up until 6 months ago. My therapist was very clear to me from the start, in her belief that i should transition. That's why she said i should move onto HRT. She said to me very clearly that in her opinion, i was 100% transgender. She feels its important for my mental well being that i transition, because i cant fight this for the rest of my life.

Perhaps i should approach the question of femininity with my wife in a subtle way, to gauge her opinion and her thoughts.

But i am so pleased that you think i am not being selfish wanting to transition. I always felt that way. But perhaps if i realised i wasnt being selfish then it would also make it a bit easier.

i do get very depressed by my lack of transition. The pull to live as a woman is so storng in me. Thats why i cant defeat it. I some how have to find the inner strength to do this. How i am not so sure after all these years. yet i know it must be done.

Thank you for listening and replying.

Davina

[Bea1968]

Many of us start and stop.  We have doubts or other life circumstances that make transition troubling or challenging.  You are far from alone.  Many share a similar story.  I started HRT three years ago and stopped after six months.  Two weeks ago I started spiro again and hope to start estridol soon.  I may stop again, I may not but you and I both know that the dysphoria isn't going away.  We all deal with it as best we can within the constraints of the world around us.  I have two sons and coming out to them is such a scary thought.  I work in manufacturing where people like me are accepted at certain levels but not middle management or above.  That scares me.

I feel strongly that I must move forward. 

It is funny that you mention your wife liking certain aspects of your femininity.  Mine liked that I was emotional, nurturing, that I liked snuggling but was surprised at the idea I wanted to transition.  She has come a long way in understanding and accepting but still stumbles sometimes just like I do and you as well. 

I wish you the best of luck,

Bea

[Davina13]

Hi Bea,

Thanks so much fr your comment. I always think that i am the only one in this boat and why can others do it and not me. But you right. I will more than likely start hrt again in the coming weeks or months. If i go further than i did last time, i am certain i will be outed. But sometimes i think thats ok, because then i have no choices but to get on with my transition. Besides, that, as i said previously, i believe the estrogen and the blockers were good for me in many ways.

[Bea1968]

I plan to postpone coming out publicly as long as possible. I'm 50, a little heavy so sporting some "man-boobs" is not uncommon or unexpected and I will write such changes off as that if questions arise.  It ain't nobody's business what's under my clothes but mine and my wife's. 

[JudiBlueEyes]

Hi Davina,

The strange thing is my wife keeps mentioning how she liked me more when i was more feminine. The other day she mentioned it again...

Maybe you need to speak up when she says this, asking what she means.  You don't say that she was aware when you tried to transition earlier but maybe she figured it out. 

You are not being selfish by wanting to life authentically.  Once you address this permanently your depression should decrease. 

[Randi]

Social transition and HRT/Boobs aren't necessarily linked. 

I've been on HRT for 10 years, and still present male/androgynous. No one has ever asked me: "Hey Mister, why do you have such big boobs?".

No man is going admit he's staring my boobs, Women seem to notice and are a bit more friendly because of my shape.

I think some younger people perceive that am FTM. (I was assigned male at birth).

You don't have to follow any particular process.  You don't have to "come out". HRT is incredibly effective at resolving gender dysphoria.  If that happens for you, don't feel obligated to do anything more.

[Maid Marion]

The feeling of being on hormones was one of the best times of my life. I have NEVER been so focused and determined with anything i was doing. I loved the peace and levelness that it brought to my mind. I really miss that.

I'm sure your wife wants you go back there again.

I've been growing my hair out.  It is now down to my collarbone.  If anything, people are more comfortable with my appearance than before.  Maybe its because I'm more comfortable with how I present, and they sense that.

[BlueJaye]

Hi Everyone,

I am married with 2 kids and love them dearly. Other than my therapist and others on chat groups, nobody close to me knows i am transgender. I have never come out. I have tried to transition twice and failed. i have been on HRT for a month and stopped, then started again 6 months later for 4 months. I thought if i got going and things changed i would be forced to come out. At 4 months i had such surprising breast growth that was becoming very noticeable, that i got scared and stopped. Another month and i would be out right now. I am still carrying excess breast tissue from that time, but no one has noticed.

The strange thing is my wife keeps mentioning how she liked me more when i was more feminine. The other day she mentioned it again and that sparked my feelings again to want to transition again and go back onto hormones. I know i can't keep going backwards and forwards. I need to find a solution. But can't seem to. I have tried so hard to try and forget being transgender and focus on being a father and husband, but that's not working. I keep wanting to transition again.

The feeling of being on hormones was one of the best times of my life. I have NEVER been so focused and determined with anything i was doing. I loved the peace and levelness that it brought to my mind. I really miss that.

Love
Davina

Davina, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I have started and stopped HRT a few times, only to stop around four months also because my body seems very eager to grow breasts. My wife also found me easier to live with on HRT, my moods and thoughts are so much more stable on HRT. I, too, have tried several times force myself to just suppress all of the feelings and anguish of dysphoria and by sheer willpower to focus all of my energy on being a husband and father. Only to experience a major emotional crash after six months or so.

Gender dysphoria is a nasty foe, and it often seems like it doesn't fight fair. Through all of my struggles with it, it always seems so unfair to me. I feel guilty a lot. I think to myself that my wife and kids don't deserve to have to experience the turmoil of my problems.

Sometimes I think they would be better off if I just transition and get it over with so I can be stable and content. Then I think that the path to get there may be too overwhelming for them and the kids will be damaged by the process and the ridicule they might receive from their peers.

I also worry about my wife, and what the future would be like for her. Her social circle is her church friends. Nobody from church knows anything about my struggle with gender dysphoria, nor that I have been treating it off and on with HRT. If that were to be known I am sure we would be asked to leave and not return. Being transgender is not accepted in our church.

Such is the type of struggle we experience. I know that transitioning would greatly ease my pain, but always in my mind is the doubt of whether it would be worth it for the family as a whole.

[Susannah]

I know things changed over last 5 years for you, but this post sounds just like me.  I felt so comfortable while I was on hrt.  I miss it and want to go back.  Yet I am hesitant. 

[D'Amalie]

Make the transition slowly.  You don't have to throw in peoples faces, just live your life.  Like I told my son some 15 years ago.  He said, "Pop, you wearing a bra?"  My reply was simply, "Since when have you worried about my choice of underwear, son?  I am who I am right?"  He shrugged and went on with his life.

My wife too appreciates the calmer, softer nature of me.  We are partners and my femminine expression is part of me.  I have not looked back.  I wear what I like.  At my age its more about comfort than gender expression.  All my kids know and accept and I'm careful not to embarrass them, but I'd do that anyway.

Hang in there, Susannah.  I don't think its healthy to start and stop.  Intermittent hormone shifts are partly to blame for the health problems that cost me someone dear.   Find a trans experienced Dr.

[Sarah B]

Hi D'Amalie

Thank you for telling this story you had me rolling around on the floor laughing my head off

Make the transition slowly.  You don't have to throw in peoples faces, just live your life.  Like I told my son some 15 years ago.  He said, "Pop, you wearing a bra?"  My reply was simply, "Since when have you worried about my choice of underwear, son?  I am who I am right?"  He shrugged and went on with his life.

Still laughing. What a scream

My wife too appreciates the calmer, softer nature of me.  We are partners and my femminine expression is part of me.  I have not looked back.  I wear what I like.  At my age its more about comfort than gender expression.  All my kids know and accept and I'm careful not to embarrass them, but I'd do that anyway.

That's your job as a parent, to embarrass your kids.  I know about wearing what I want, when I want.  I have worn, evening wear, dinner and cocktail dresses, work and casual clothes, beach wear and tracky dack clothes when at university.  The freedom to wear clothes, knows no bounds,

Hang in there, Susannah.  I don't think its health to start and stop.  Intermittent hormone shifts are partly to blame for the health problems that cost me someone dear.  Find a trans experienced Dr.

This is what you need to do Susannah.  Take care where ever you are.

Best wishes
Sarah B

[D'Amalie]

By the by, stretchy size 20S Jeans at Torrids.  The best!  Size 3 cotton spaghetti strap camis in colors, vary by season!  Over my bras. Perfect anti nipple show devices    I like my nipples make no mistake, just don't need to show them to the world. 

Mom would be proud, my wife surely is.

[Sarah B]

Hi D'Amalie

Please don't get me started on lingerie.  Girls best friend!   .  I going before I get embarrassed and hot under collar.

Oh Hunneeeee.......

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

[BlueJaye]

Davina, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I have started and stopped HRT a few times, only to stop around four months also because my body seems very eager to grow breasts. My wife also found me easier to live with on HRT, my moods and thoughts are so much more stable on HRT. I, too, have tried several times force myself to just suppress all of the feelings and anguish of dysphoria and by sheer willpower to focus all of my energy on being a husband and father. Only to experience a major emotional crash after six months or so.

Gender dysphoria is a nasty foe, and it often seems like it doesn't fight fair. Through all of my struggles with it, it always seems so unfair to me. I feel guilty a lot. I think to myself that my wife and kids don't deserve to have to experience the turmoil of my problems.

Sometimes I think they would be better off if I just transition and get it over with so I can be stable and content. Then I think that the path to get there may be too overwhelming for them and the kids will be damaged by the process and the ridicule they might receive from their peers.

I also worry about my wife, and what the future would be like for her. Her social circle is her church friends. Nobody from church knows anything about my struggle with gender dysphoria, nor that I have been treating it off and on with HRT. If that were to be known I am sure we would be asked to leave and not return. Being transgender is not accepted in our church.

Such is the type of struggle we experience. I know that transitioning would greatly ease my pain, but always in my mind is the doubt of whether it would be worth it for the family as a whole.

Here I am, five years later. Right after I posted this, I went back on HRT and stayed on it. It was a rough road as far as the marriage went, but we're still together and finally doing better now than we ever did pre-transition.

[BlueJaye]

I know things changed over last 5 years for you, but this post sounds just like me.  I felt so comfortable while I was on hrt.  I miss it and want to go back.  Yet I am hesitant. 

Spoiler: I went back on HRT right after I posted that and stayed on it. I have been living full time as Katie since January 2021. Never regretted it for a second, even during the hard times.