Quote from: Davina13 on April 24, 2019, 03:51:31 AM
Hi Everyone,
I am married with 2 kids and love them dearly. Other than my therapist and others on chat groups, nobody close to me knows i am transgender. I have never come out. I have tried to transition twice and failed. i have been on HRT for a month and stopped, then started again 6 months later for 4 months. I thought if i got going and things changed i would be forced to come out. At 4 months i had such surprising breast growth that was becoming very noticeable, that i got scared and stopped. Another month and i would be out right now. I am still carrying excess breast tissue from that time, but no one has noticed.
The strange thing is my wife keeps mentioning how she liked me more when i was more feminine. The other day she mentioned it again and that sparked my feelings again to want to transition again and go back onto hormones. I know i can't keep going backwards and forwards. I need to find a solution. But can't seem to. I have tried so hard to try and forget being transgender and focus on being a father and husband, but that's not working. I keep wanting to transition again.
The feeling of being on hormones was one of the best times of my life. I have NEVER been so focused and determined with anything i was doing. I loved the peace and levelness that it brought to my mind. I really miss that.
Love
Davina
Davina, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I have started and stopped HRT a few times, only to stop around four months also because my body seems very eager to grow breasts. My wife also found me easier to live with on HRT, my moods and thoughts are so much more stable on HRT. I, too, have tried several times force myself to just suppress all of the feelings and anguish of dysphoria and by sheer willpower to focus all of my energy on being a husband and father. Only to experience a major emotional crash after six months or so.
Gender dysphoria is a nasty foe, and it often seems like it doesn't fight fair. Through all of my struggles with it, it always seems so unfair to me. I feel guilty a lot. I think to myself that my wife and kids don't deserve to have to experience the turmoil of my problems.
Sometimes I think they would be better off if I just transition and get it over with so I can be stable and content. Then I think that the path to get there may be too overwhelming for them and the kids will be damaged by the process and the ridicule they might receive from their peers.
I also worry about my wife, and what the future would be like for her. Her social circle is her church friends. Nobody from church knows anything about my struggle with gender dysphoria, nor that I have been treating it off and on with HRT. If that were to be known I am sure we would be asked to leave and not return. Being transgender is not accepted in our church.
Such is the type of struggle we experience. I know that transitioning would greatly ease my pain, but always in my mind is the doubt of whether it would be worth it for the family as a whole.