Looking for support- Unsure about my gender?

[Peachie_Cola]

Hello everyone, my name.is Jay and I'm 22 years old.

Ever since I was 16, I've ID-d as nonbinary. I had no clue what it was, I just remember feeling incredibly bad about the body I was in. It caused me so much distress; not being able to fit into one neat slot. It's funny though, the way I learned about genders outside the binary.

I found an in-character help blog that used homestuck characters as the blog's theme. I was in the height of my Homestuck fandom days, and decided that I would ask this anonymous person why I felt like neither a boy or a girl. They told me I was probably agender and that gender was a whole spectrum. That there, as silly as it was, was life changing! I researched to my heart's content and found others like me. What an incredible feeling!

Here recently though, I've been having more trouble with my gender. I started to ID with mostly masculine things and feelings, daydreaming about being a boy, but I'm not sure if that makes me trans.

Here's where it gets tricky: Daydreaming and dysphoria have been an on and off thing ever since I've confronted my feelings on gender (which was fairly recently), but it's not a constant thing. I still correct people in online games when they call me a boy and tell them I'm a girl (partially to spite them abt getting their butts kicked by a chick, partially out of habit) and it doesn't feel horribly wrong. Weird? Yes. I still draw myself as a girl, or rather, the girl I wish tp be. Blatantly feminine, happy in my body. That brings me to another point: My hair. It's long, down past my shoylders. And I know that men can have long hair, but I'm sure I'd feel happier with short hair. Perhaps I'm holding out because I'm hoping that forcing myself into a female-shaped box will alleviate these feelings I'm having. Maybe I'm putting too much stock into my appearance bc that's where I believe my worth comes from (ew, I know, but it takes a long time to unlearn). Maybe I'm just scared of wasting all the time I took to grow my hair back out.

If I was trans, wouldn't I have known by now? I have had my moments of trying to pass as a guy and not realizing it in my youth (and being shamed for it, so I shut that idea right down), but I'm not sure if that's "enough"

It also doesn't help that it's very likely that I'm autistic and have a crap sense of self/can't self-reflect to save my life. I really have no clue who I am.

So to make it short:
-I've ID-d as nb since I was 16
-Recently I've confronted my feelings on my gender and have been unhappy
-Sometimes I'll feel very dysphoric and like I'm in the wrong body
-But I still tell people I'm a girl and try to shove myself in a female-shaped box in hopes that it'll make me feel better
-ID-ing as genderfluid doesn't feel accurate anymore, but neither does anything that comes to mind

Has anyone gone through something similar? Am I just being dramatic?

[Northern Star Girl]

@Peachie_Cola 
Dear Jay:
    I am happy to see that you have come to the Susan's Place Forums and that you have submitted your first posting and that you signed up as a member of Susan's Place. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things.

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@Peachie_Cola
Oh, and another thing Jay...
Please plan to find your way to the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can pursue answers to your questions.

[Maid Marion]

I can identify with not fitting into any box.  I have a very feminine body despite being AMAB.  5'3"  with a an hourglass figure.  I can wear tight pants with no muffin top. I've come to realize that I can not only wear edgy clothes and look good in them, it bothers people less than when I wore ill fitting boy clothes that were two sizes larger. I guess it makes sense, as the edgy outfit allows people to quickly place where I am in society.

[Peachie_Cola]

That does make sense, but it doesn't quite solve the problem of not knowing what exactly is going on with gender stuff. Idk why it has to be so complicated for me to figure out, I should just be able to know who I am and how I feel.

I at least know people can relate though, which is nice

[LunaLeigh]

Hello everyone, my name.is Jay and I'm 22 years old.

Ever since I was 16, I've ID-d as nonbinary. I had no clue what it was, I just remember feeling incredibly bad about the body I was in. It caused me so much distress; not being able to fit into one neat slot. It's funny though, the way I learned about genders outside the binary.

I found an in-character help blog that used homestuck characters as the blog's theme. I was in the height of my Homestuck fandom days, and decided that I would ask this anonymous person why I felt like neither a boy or a girl. They told me I was probably agender and that gender was a whole spectrum. That there, as silly as it was, was life changing! I researched to my heart's content and found others like me. What an incredible feeling!

Here recently though, I've been having more trouble with my gender. I started to ID with mostly masculine things and feelings, daydreaming about being a boy, but I'm not sure if that makes me trans.

Here's where it gets tricky: Daydreaming and dysphoria have been an on and off thing ever since I've confronted my feelings on gender (which was fairly recently), but it's not a constant thing. I still correct people in online games when they call me a boy and tell them I'm a girl (partially to spite them abt getting their butts kicked by a chick, partially out of habit) and it doesn't feel horribly wrong. Weird? Yes. I still draw myself as a girl, or rather, the girl I wish tp be. Blatantly feminine, happy in my body. That brings me to another point: My hair. It's long, down past my shoylders. And I know that men can have long hair, but I'm sure I'd feel happier with short hair. Perhaps I'm holding out because I'm hoping that forcing myself into a female-shaped box will alleviate these feelings I'm having. Maybe I'm putting too much stock into my appearance bc that's where I believe my worth comes from (ew, I know, but it takes a long time to unlearn). Maybe I'm just scared of wasting all the time I took to grow my hair back out.

If I was trans, wouldn't I have known by now? I have had my moments of trying to pass as a guy and not realizing it in my youth (and being shamed for it, so I shut that idea right down), but I'm not sure if that's "enough"

It also doesn't help that it's very likely that I'm autistic and have a crap sense of self/can't self-reflect to save my life. I really have no clue who I am.

So to make it short:
-I've ID-d as nb since I was 16
-Recently I've confronted my feelings on my gender and have been unhappy
-Sometimes I'll feel very dysphoric and like I'm in the wrong body
-But I still tell people I'm a girl and try to shove myself in a female-shaped box in hopes that it'll make me feel better
-ID-ing as genderfluid doesn't feel accurate anymore, but neither does anything that comes to mind

Has anyone gone through something similar? Am I just being dramatic?

I don't think you're just being dramatic. It sounds like you have some real exploration to do. Do you talk to a therapist? That could help

Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

[Peachie_Cola]

I don't think you're just being dramatic. It sounds like you have some real exploration to do. Do you talk to a therapist? That could help

Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

I have, but I've only seen her once so far. She doesn't advertise that she has experience with lgbt issues, but I also don't believe that she's against it? Idk if it's her field, but I suppose it would be rude for me to assume. She did seem kinda fixated on my dysphoria when I brought it up

[Maid Marion]

You brought up autism.  This can create dysphoria on its own in at least two ways.  You may have "sensitivity issues" in which lights are too bright, sounds are too loud, and stores just too much.  Poor social skills can create a serious need for a better IRL social network.

So, if you have both autism and gender issues, who knows what else might be going on?  A therapist may help explore possible issues.

[Peachie_Cola]

You brought up autism.  This can create dysphoria on its own in at least two ways.  You may have "sensitivity issues" in which lights are too bright, sounds are too loud, and stores just too much.  Poor social skills can create a serious need for a better IRL social network.

So, if you have both autism and gender issues, who knows what else might be going on?  A therapist may help explore possible issues.

Hmm that's a good point. I guess I worry that my gender issues might be invalidated on the basis that I could be autistic. I've read that afab women who are autistic often experience gender dysphoria due to not fitting in with their peers. It wasn't put quite like that, but my memory sorta sucks.

I'll be seeing her again this Monday. I guess I'm a little worried about bringing this up tbh. I'm able to get my thoughts across easier via text than talking, so that's another roadblock.

I'm not trying to prevent getting help, just sorta musing. It DOES need to be brought up with her one way or another

[Maid Marion]

My opinion  is that it isn't a good idea to transition if you have difficulty socializing, as it is even harder to socialize if you are transgender.

[Peachie_Cola]

Social anxiety just tends to do that. I don't have much of a desire to socialize anyways. Not that it matters bc I don't particularly want to transition atm. It's not even a thing that's on my mind. One step at a time

[Peachie_Cola]

A couple of friends have told me I should explore myself, but how can I do that when I'm lost in the woods with no map?

I grew up in the south, so despite being Not Cis for 6 years and running, this is all really new to me. Nobody teaches you about this. Nobody talks about this. Where I'm from, being bisexual was some sort of revolutionary concept (not poking fun at bi ppl, it was just outlandish to ppl in that small town, which is dumb)

[Maid Marion]

To add to the confusion gender is separate from sexuality, which is who you are attracted to.


Call Me Maybe


Who are you attracted to?

The guy is supposed to be really hot but doesn't nothing for me.

[Peachie_Cola]

I know what my sexuality is and I understand that it's different. I was just using an example

[Peachie_Cola]

Sexuality has nothing to do with what I'm asking about.
I'm starting to get frustrated (not at anyone in particular) that nobody can seem to relate to this feeling or offer advice. I hope I don't sound entitled, I've just been trying to work through this by myself for years and am finally deciding to reach out and it just seems pointless.

I suppose I'll just have to face this alone.

[amandam]

There are people here that can relate. Have some patience. I too am "seemingly" non-binary. I have to get to work, but look for some of my threads. You'll see me struggling with this also.

[Peachie_Cola]

For whatever reason, I can't view your page.
My problem isn't struggling with being nb, it's something totally different and I don't know how to label it. If I can put a name to the face, then I can go about making changes to make myself happy.

But I don't know what this is. I don't know what I'm feeling. This is new and a bit scary and I just want to find some sort of light in the dark.

[Maid Marion]

Yeah, it sucks to be different.  But, I've always known that, so I never had any illusion about being "normal."

But, I've realized that in today's world, if you have a good figure, you should flaunt it and be friendly to people.
Went to Home Depot and a guy asked me about my car.  And a lady smiled at me as she was getting out of her car as I was walking to the parking lot.  Got ma'amed at the service center.  Everyone was friendly and I got everything done.

[Peachie_Cola]

Flaunting my figure is the exact opposite of helpful. The problem is dysphoria, so why would I show off parts of me that make me feel wrong?

Not to be a jerk, but everything you've suggested has either been irrelevant to my problem or just seriously unhelpful and ended up causing me more distress. I'm locking this thread now.