What do I do.... I need help.... u_u

[Strivexwolf]

Gosh I don't know where to begin, so I guess I will dive in, and be as blunt as possible.

I have had thoughts of having female parts, and what it would be like call such what you want, but for me I confess I enjoy these daydreams.

I have tried to self harm my genitals the first time I attempted to do so was when I was 17, I didn't like the way my genitalia made me feel. I did not like how puberty had changed me one bit, so I rubber banded them for 2 hours.
I have done this multiple times throughout the years it gets to painful at 2 hours though and I always end up freaking out and taking the bands off.... u_u

My point is the reason I have done these things is because I hate feeling horny all the time feeling like I must jerk this flesh, or be upset all day. Also I just want to feel normal and I don't feel normal I hate it.

When I was 21 I tried taking bovine ovaries, basically I tried to safely medicate. I wanted so bad to feel more woman like, fit in with how I felt without being constantly unsettled by my male hormones.
Anyways I learned that such was infective, and my girlfriend at the time told my father, and my father mocked me.

I felt so ashamed, I still do, however I hate feeling masculine, I hate feeling oily skinned, I want soft beautiful skin, and it's not just that, I thinner beautiful arms, and a blossomed natural leg form, but Most of all I want to be have breasts and not having them I feel incomplete.
It's not easy to explain, I just feel like I am missing something in my body, and in my head. I don't feel like a man even though I was born such. I wish I was just born female this is all so confusing, and overwhelming at times.

I am married now, and 24 to this said girlfriend. I so want to express myself, but at the same time I don't want to lose her. I love her so much, and it hurts. It hurts that she would have considered being lesbian with her friend who died of cancer, but she could not stay if I became a woman.

I am at the point where I am truly considering coming out to a mental practitioner, and keeping her in the dark for as long as possible I keep thinking if I do it this way maybe she will stay.

"What do y'all think?"

What should I do I truly want a feminine body, and mind, I claw at my face till it bleeds because I hate the way my skin feels the same with my back, even rip what hair growing on my back that I can.
I mean it just doesn't feel the way I feel. My body doesn't feel like it's mine I really don't know how to explain it in with words, I disgust myself it's fair to say.
Please help me. I really want to move forward, but am I hoping for too much is what I am asking wishful thinking....


1. Please let me know how Hrt Was for you please?
2. And Most importantly what should I do?
3. Should I Confess All This To My Mental Practitioner?
4. And Most Importantly What Would A Professional Say To This??
(I have intense Anxiety about this, and I really need support to do this for myself.)

5. Please Help Me What do I Do? 6. What Happens after coming out to a practitioner like this? u_u

[jess2179]

I think the main advice you need to hear is yes to number 3. Talk to a professional for real it sounds like your dealing with some hard stuff and that's what they are for! Your not gonna figure this out all in one huge step or action or thought. Take things little by little and experiment. Keep going if it feels right stop if it doesn't but put shame aside. But please don't hurt yourself! Besides your gonna need those parts to get good srs one day if that's what you want anyways [emoji23]


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[Stephanie Vaughan]

Gosh I don't know where to begin, so I guess I will dive in, and be as blunt as possible.

I have had thoughts of having female parts, and what it would be like call such what you want, but for me I confess I enjoy these daydreams.

I have tried to self harm my genitals the first time I attempted to do so was when I was 17, I didn't like the way my genitalia made me feel. I did not like how puberty had changed me one bit, so I rubber banded them for 2 hours.
I have done this multiple times throughout the years it gets to painful at 2 hours though and I always end up freaking out and taking the bands off.... u_u

My point is the reason I have done these things is because I hate feeling horny all the time feeling like I must jerk this flesh, or be upset all day. Also I just want to feel normal and I don't feel normal I hate it.

When I was 21 I tried taking bovine ovaries, basically I tried to safely medicate. I wanted so bad to feel more woman like, fit in with how I felt without being constantly unsettled by my male hormones.
Anyways I learned that such was infective, and my girlfriend at the time told my father, and my father mocked me.

I felt so ashamed, I still do, however I hate feeling masculine, I hate feeling oily skinned, I want soft beautiful skin, and it's not just that, I thinner beautiful arms, and a blossomed natural leg form, but Most of all I want to be have breasts and not having them I feel incomplete.
It's not easy to explain, I just feel like I am missing something in my body, and in my head. I don't feel like a man even though I was born such. I wish I was just born female this is all so confusing, and overwhelming at times.

I am married now, and 24 to this said girlfriend. I so want to express myself, but at the same time I don't want to lose her. I love her so much, and it hurts. It hurts that she would have considered being lesbian with her friend who died of cancer, but she could not stay if I became a woman.

I am at the point where I am truly considering coming out to a mental practitioner, and keeping her in the dark for as long as possible I keep thinking if I do it this way maybe she will stay.

"What do y'all think?"

What should I do I truly want a feminine body, and mind, I claw at my face till it bleeds because I hate the way my skin feels the same with my back, even rip what hair growing on my back that I can.
I mean it just doesn't feel the way I feel. My body doesn't feel like it's mine I really don't know how to explain it in with words, I disgust myself it's fair to say.
Please help me. I really want to move forward, but am I hoping for too much is what I am asking wishful thinking....


1. Please let me know how Hrt Was for you please?
2. And Most importantly what should I do?
3. Should I Confess All This To My Mental Practitioner?
4. And Most Importantly What Would A Professional Say To This??
(I have intense Anxiety about this, and I really need support to do this for myself.)

5. Please Help Me What do I Do? 6. What Happens after coming out to a practitioner like this? u_u

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[Strivexwolf]

Thank you it isn't easy least for me it is. I feel kind alone in this which is why I reached out to this website for advice. I'm scared of being shunned, I just want to be myself, and lately it just feels impossible.... u_u 

[jess2179]

Thank you it isn't easy least for me it is. I feel kind alone in this which is why I reached out to this website for advice. I'm scared of being shunned, I just want to be myself, and lately it just feels impossible.... u_u 

You can do it I believe in ya we are all a lot stronger than we realize [emoji3590]


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[Stephanie Vaughan]

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Hi
Why torture yourself every day wishing you were someone else? It gets you no where. I should know, i did it for 40 years, hating my body, wishing i could go to sleep and wake up a girl. Eventually i got to the stage where it was either do something about or end my life. Thankfully my partner of 4 years could see how close to the end i was and said she would support me as i was her best friend but she didn't know what it would do to our relationship.
I went to my specialist who had been treating me for irrational hormone levels (i was producing my own oestrogen from somewhere which they couldn't figure out, i was also accused of self inflicting which I wasn't) i told him i wanted to change sides, I couldn't think of any other way too tell him. He said he would help me and sent me to a psychiatrist who after a few grilling gave me my letter of recommendation for surgery. That was almost two years ago and I'm still not finished but happier than I ever thought possible. My advice to you is to go for it, true friends will support you and help you. Don't worry about what people might or might not say just follow your heart. You are obviously not happy in your current form so do something about it, be the person you want to be, life is too short!
Stephanie x


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[Strivexwolf]

The big thing I am scared of is telling the mental practitioner everything, do you think that they would hospitalize me if I told them all this?


That is What terrifies me most, and is what is holding me back from spilling the beans I so badly want to spill so I can blossom.... 

[Kirsteneklund7]

Gosh I don't know where to begin, so I guess I will dive in, and be as blunt as possible.

I have had thoughts of having female parts, and what it would be like call such what you want, but for me I confess I enjoy these daydreams.

I have tried to self harm my genitals the first time I attempted to do so was when I was 17, I didn't like the way my genitalia made me feel. I did not like how puberty had changed me one bit, so I rubber banded them for 2 hours.
I have done this multiple times throughout the years it gets to painful at 2 hours though and I always end up freaking out and taking the bands off.... u_u

My point is the reason I have done these things is because I hate feeling horny all the time feeling like I must jerk this flesh, or be upset all day. Also I just want to feel normal and I don't feel normal I hate it.

When I was 21 I tried taking bovine ovaries, basically I tried to safely medicate. I wanted so bad to feel more woman like, fit in with how I felt without being constantly unsettled by my male hormones.
Anyways I learned that such was infective, and my girlfriend at the time told my father, and my father mocked me.

I felt so ashamed, I still do, however I hate feeling masculine, I hate feeling oily skinned, I want soft beautiful skin, and it's not just that, I thinner beautiful arms, and a blossomed natural leg form, but Most of all I want to be have breasts and not having them I feel incomplete.
It's not easy to explain, I just feel like I am missing something in my body, and in my head. I don't feel like a man even though I was born such. I wish I was just born female this is all so confusing, and overwhelming at times.

I am married now, and 24 to this said girlfriend. I so want to express myself, but at the same time I don't want to lose her. I love her so much, and it hurts. It hurts that she would have considered being lesbian with her friend who died of cancer, but she could not stay if I became a woman.

I am at the point where I am truly considering coming out to a mental practitioner, and keeping her in the dark for as long as possible I keep thinking if I do it this way maybe she will stay.

"What do y'all think?"

What should I do I truly want a feminine body, and mind, I claw at my face till it bleeds because I hate the way my skin feels the same with my back, even rip what hair growing on my back that I can.
I mean it just doesn't feel the way I feel. My body doesn't feel like it's mine I really don't know how to explain it in with words, I disgust myself it's fair to say.
Please help me. I really want to move forward, but am I hoping for too much is what I am asking wishful thinking....


1. Please let me know how Hrt Was for you please?
2. And Most importantly what should I do?
3. Should I Confess All This To My Mental Practitioner?
4. And Most Importantly What Would A Professional Say To This??
(I have intense Anxiety about this, and I really need support to do this for myself.)

5. Please Help Me What do I Do? 6. What Happens after coming out to a practitioner like this? u_u

I have experienced similar in the past. The answers for me came from discussing the self harm with a gender psychologist and getting on prescribed HRT.

It was easy to get an appointment with a psychologist and the HRT brought very rapid relief. Self harm is now years in the past.

Dressing and expressing the inner woman reduces anxiety as well.

I havent transitioned MTF and yet the major issues are already solved.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[LaRae]

The big thing I am scared of is telling the mental practitioner everything, do you think that they would hospitalize me if I told them all this?


That is What terrifies me most, and is what is holding me back from spilling the beans I so badly want to spill so I can blossom.... 

In today's day & age that is unlikely. I do understand the fear, though.


More likely the practitioner will be able to direct you to resources you can use, either local or online, and (if they're any kind of good) if they don't know much about your situation, they'll either learn, or direct you to someone who does.

Speaking to a therapist is one of the major avenues to getting HRT. That, or find a clinic that prescribes them, like Planned Parenthood (what I used).

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Strivexwolf!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

We have all felt the fear of disclosing, the fear of being mocked, the fear of rejection.  I let the fear hold me back until I was in my 60s, even though I felt much as you do for all that time.

Definitely tell your mental health practitioner.  She is not going to lock you up.  She may not have the expertise to deal with gender issues herself, but she will certainly have the contacts to refer you to someone who is qualified.

Gender therapy is a recognized field of specialization within the mental health professions.  There are international standards for how to diagnose and treat gender dysphoria.

The sooner you talk about what is going on for you, the sooner you will be able to get the right help.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

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[KristySims]

The big thing I am scared of is telling the mental practitioner everything, do you think that they would hospitalize me if I told them all this?


That is What terrifies me most, and is what is holding me back from spilling the beans I so badly want to spill so I can blossom.... 

Honey, if you are in active harm to yourself you have to seek help immediately, however it sounds like these feelings are coming and going. Speaking from some experience with the clinical mental health side of things, the only time you would ever be considered to immediate hospitalization would be if you were at the time either a threat to yourself (Active suicidal ideas or that you were going to harm yourself) These are acute cases and it is important to help anyone that has these feelings. It also requires a LOT for any doctor to force you to do anything. Again this is only in the cases you are actively in a situation that could harm you or others.  Disclosing these things will not get you hospitalized, so please make an appointment and just talk to someone. There are a LOT of transgender therapists that can help YOU figure YOU out however you fall on the gender spectrum.  And please know that there isn't always an all or none. Gender or these feelings can fall anywhere and a therapist can help you find this with you.  Please don't hurt yourself.

[Strivexwolf]

I told my practitioner today, what I told all of you! She is going to help me find a therapist here comfortable talking about such!! In the meantime though I have an appointment on May 7th at 3:20 to talk about my feelings!! I felt so exposed about this, but I'm so happy that I spoke up it went better then I expected I'm so excited! Thank you everyone!! n_n,

What should I do next when I go see the therapist though?!?! u_u, oof. That's going to be nerving as well.... Ugh. Least I have two weeks to prepare myself.

What should be expected when I talk to a therapist about such??
What was it like for you all...? 

[Amie June]

I told my practitioner today, what I told all of you! She is going to help me find a therapist here comfortable talking about such!! In the meantime though I have an appointment on May 7th at 3:20 to talk about my feelings!! I felt so exposed about this, but I'm so happy that I spoke up it went better then I expected I'm so excited! Thank you everyone!! n_n,

What should I do next when I go see the therapist though?!?! u_u, oof. That's going to be nerving as well.... Ugh. Least I have two weeks to prepare myself.

What should be expected when I talk to a therapist about such??
What was it like for you all...? 

I am so happy you found the courage to reach out to someone, a real person who can hear your voice and story! You deserve a big hug for this The therapist will probably ask what brought you into therapy. Then you can start with giving small details about yourself and your life until you feel safe. Hopefully you will feel comfortable with the person and can share more and more information. At some point you can mention that you have gender issues. Then slowly share what feels safe in the moment. Soon, if the person is a good fit for you, you will share more and more and more. Good luck ... I hope it's wonderful journey for you

Amie

[Kirsteneklund7]

I told my practitioner today, what I told all of you! She is going to help me find a therapist here comfortable talking about such!! In the meantime though I have an appointment on May 7th at 3:20 to talk about my feelings!! I felt so exposed about this, but I'm so happy that I spoke up it went better then I expected I'm so excited! Thank you everyone!! n_n,

What should I do next when I go see the therapist though?!?! u_u, oof. That's going to be nerving as well.... Ugh. Least I have two weeks to prepare myself.

What should be expected when I talk to a therapist about such??
What was it like for you all...? 

Take notes with you. I had a notebook with the key issues written down. I also had a list of questions.

You may have to outright request HRT if that is the preffered option.

I found the HRT highly effective.

Good luck, Kirsten.

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[CindyLouFromCO]

Take notes with you. I had a notebook with the key issues written down. I also had a list of questions.

You may have to outright request HRT if that is the preffered option.

I found the HRT highly effective.

Good luck, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Yes!  A notebook!  I always forgot mine and always regretted it.

[Strivexwolf]

You can do that? You can outright ask a therapist for Hrt?
How would I go about that? I really want to be on Hrt.... u_u

So what do I say to the therapist?
Like what words would I use to ask this therapist?
I Just want them to understand I'm serious about this, and I'm not having doubts. It's so hard to convince people how you feel at least for me it is....
How do I go about this?   

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on coming out to your current counsellor.

When I first went to a gender therapist, she asked me what I was there for.  I just told her straight out that I was pretty sure I was transgender, and what I wanted was a hormone readiness assessment.

She asked me about my experiences of dysphoria.  She asked about cross-dressing in my past.  Some of the questions were a bit embarassing to answer, but it is important to answer truthfully.  The only way she could help me was if she knew what was really going on for me.

The entire hormone readiness assessment took three hours, spread over two sessions.  After the first hour, she told me that I would have no problem getting my hormone readiness letter.  The rest of the time was spent on the informed consent portion of the process.  She had me read information about what hormones could do, both beneficial and harmful, and about what results I could expect and when.  Then I signed the forms, and got my letter.

In some cases, the process is more involved.  If you need help deciding what you really want, the therapist is the one to help you figure it out.  And if there are other mental health issues, the therapist will likely take more time to assess them, to ensure that they will not adversely affect your judgement.

Good luck!

[Strivexwolf]

Congratulations on coming out to your current counsellor.

When I first went to a gender therapist, she asked me what I was there for.  I just told her straight out that I was pretty sure I was transgender, and what I wanted was a hormone readiness assessment.

She asked me about my experiences of dysphoria.  She asked about cross-dressing in my past.  Some of the questions were a bit embarassing to answer, but it is important to answer truthfully.  The only way she could help me was if she knew what was really going on for me.

The entire hormone readiness assessment took three hours, spread over two sessions.  After the first hour, she told me that I would have no problem getting my hormone readiness letter.  The rest of the time was spent on the informed consent portion of the process.  She had me read information about what hormones could do, both beneficial and harmful, and about what results I could expect and when.  Then I signed the forms, and got my letter.

In some cases, the process is more involved.  If you need help deciding what you really want, the therapist is the one to help you figure it out.  And if there are other mental health issues, the therapist will likely take more time to assess them, to ensure that they will not adversely affect your judgement.

Good luck!

So this hormone Readiness Assessment Is how you get a letter, and this letter is how you get hormones? Who would I give the letter back to my mental practitioner?

I just want to make sure I understand everything before I move forward I don want to be in the spotlight, and not prepared.

I googled what a hormone readiness assessment looks like, and I do not understand the questions that a therapist may ask, could you please help me to better understand these questions, I don't want to misunderstand these questions, and be denied that is what scares me most! 


Is there anyway to talk to you more about such on this site, or elsewhere with you please?? 

[KimOct]

You can do that? You can outright ask a therapist for Hrt?
How would I go about that? I really want to be on Hrt.... u_u

So what do I say to the therapist?
Like what words would I use to ask this therapist?
I Just want them to understand I'm serious about this, and I'm not having doubts. It's so hard to convince people how you feel at least for me it is....
How do I go about this?   

My mother used to tell me a simple phrase, 'this too shall pass"  sounds really simple right?  Of course life is much harder than that but it is also true.  Please don't give up hope.  If you take care of yourself you can and will come out the other side of this feeling much better.

Don't over think going to the therapist and planning out exactly what you will say and ask.  It will happen more naturally than you expect.  The suggestion of writing down your thoughts and feelings and bringing them with you is a good one.  Definitely do that.

One session is not going to fix everything.  It takes time but you probably will have hope again very quickly.

People care about you.  We do.

[Strivexwolf]

My mother used to tell me a simple phrase, 'this too shall pass"  sounds really simple right?  Of course life is much harder than that but it is also true.  Please don't give up hope.  If you take care of yourself you can and will come out the other side of this feeling much better.

Don't over think going to the therapist and planning out exactly what you will say and ask.  It will happen more naturally than you expect.  The suggestion of writing down your thoughts and feelings and bringing them with you is a good one.  Definitely do that.

One session is not going to fix everything.  It takes time but you probably will have hope again very quickly.

People care about you.  We do.

Thank you, so much for your kind words, It's true I do feel hopeless and it's mostly because I don't like feeling masculine it sickens me....
I just want to be me, and I'm not.

That's why it's important to always be prepared it's what I like most being prepared, and this is exciting for me....